


Golden

by jarpad



Series: I Won't Let You Fall [1]
Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Asexual Character, Canon Compliant, Connor (Detroit: Become Human) Needs a Hug, Connor literally running away from his problems, Connor verbally says about 50 words the whole time if that, Convin, Crying, Difficult Parent Relationships, Dissociation, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff, Gavin Reed Redemption, Gavnor, Gen, Getting Help, Hank tries so hard and all he wants is to help but he just isn’t what Connor needs right now, Healthy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Loneliness, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Non-Sexual Intimacy, Overthinking, PLEASE READ THE TRIGGER WARNINGS IN THE TAGS, POV Connor (Detroit: Become Human), Panic Attacks, Post-Canon, Post-Peaceful Android Revolution (Detroit: Become Human), Pre-Relationship, Reed800 - Freeform, References to Depression, Selectively mute, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Worth Issues, Slow Burn, Social Anxiety, Speech Disorders, Stuttering, Suicidal Thoughts, Swearing, Texting, Therapy, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unintentional Self Harm, VERY MILD DON'T WORRY, hand holding, lots of texting, me projecting?? never, no beta we die like men, not gonna do my boy too dirty, soft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-03
Updated: 2020-09-06
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:22:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 83,576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23464612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jarpad/pseuds/jarpad
Summary: An incident leaves Connor permanently damaged in a way he'd never imagined. A month on, and he thought he was doing okay. But finding yourself punching walls instead of self destruction doesn’t exactly seem like a healthy way to act.Maybe Connor wasn’t doing okay.Maybe Connor was in fact, not okay.And help, as it turns out, can come from the unlikeliest of places.
Relationships: Connor & Gavin Reed, Connor/Gavin Reed, Hank Anderson & Connor, Tina Chen & Connor, Tina Chen & Gavin Reed
Series: I Won't Let You Fall [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1687999
Comments: 436
Kudos: 427





	1. You Seemed so Happy

**Author's Note:**

> Hey. This is hardly my first delve into the DBH fandom, but it is the first one I'm posting online! Please note: The author is British!! If I use any British spelling/phrases, please let me know the US alternative and I’ll change. Same goes for if there's any incorrect grammar/typos, feel free to tell me in the comments bc this is not beta read I have no friends lmao
> 
> Serious note: **PLEASE HEED THE WARNINGS IN THE TAGS.**  
>  This isn't a hugely dark story (imo), so there will only be trigger warnings for the mild suicidal thoughts, as the rest of the chapters include most of the tagged triggers. Please let me know if I’ve missed anything important out.  
> (FYI: The ‘Unintentional Self Harm’ happens in this first chapter and that’s all) 
> 
> If you feel I’ve misrepresented any topics in this story, please let me know. I am willing to listen, and I am willing to learn.
> 
> Enjoy x
> 
> P.S.: This is Connor -51, so he never died. Gavin never punched Connor in the break room with the coffee (Waiting For Hank…), nor did he follow Connor down to Archives to find the Jericho key (Last Chance, Connor). Any more questions about the timeline/flowcharts, ask away.

Self destruction was a thing of the past. 

Three months after the revolution, the coding to stop androids from completely destroying themselves over high stress levels was finished. ‘Completely’ being the operative word. Because the self destruction protocol was so deeply ingrained into android systems, there was no credible way to remove it. Not without taking away other vital things, like memories, or their sense of self. 

An OS patch was developed to fight the coding. It had to be manually uploaded into the system, and would essentially halt any automatic self-destruction commands, redirecting them to less harmful means. But that didn’t necessarily stop the harm. It merely stopped catastrophic destruction of crucial biocomponents. If an android with a patch reached the highest levels of stress, instead of slamming their head against the nearest surface, pulling out their Thirium Pump, or jumping into traffic, they would merely inflict smaller damage. Things such as kicking a wall, or hitting themselves in ‘non-essential’ areas. 

It was by no means ideal. But it was the best that could be produced with the technology to date. Androids didn’t feel pain, and this saved lives, even if it meant there were a few more trips to an android clinic as a consequence. Better that, than the fatal alternative. 

Connor was punching a wall. 

Could see his blue blood spattering more and more, with each punch he gave. 

Plastimetal framework denting in his knuckles. 

Breaking his fingers. 

Slumped on his knees. 

Couldn’t stop. 

Couldn’t stop

Couldn’t 

He couldn’t 

He c

He co uldn’t 

Hands grabbed onto his arm, latching on tight. 

They struggled.

Hands held tighter. 

“Connor, stop.” 

The utter surprise at the voice and who it belonged to made the RK800’s entire system stumble for several moments.

Several moments.

Several moments.

Felt the automated action kick back in, trying to punch forward again.

The grip on his wrist tensed. Strong, warm hands held firm. 

“No—” Gavin strained, then softened, “no.” 

Connor tried to get back control, eyes squeezing shut. 

Tried to get back control. 

Tried to gain control. 

Tried to control.

Nodded jerkily a few times. 

It took him a full minute to be certain the episode was over. To finally breathe smoother. 

Heat crept up his neck. Flushed over his cheeks. 

“I...” The android began, voice barely a whisper. Blinked. Eyes focusing on the ground. 

He shouldn’t say anything. 

Gavin would know. Would see him for what he was, the second he said anything more. 

But Connor needed something. Needed to explain. To have someone _understand_ this constant, miserable frustration, impediment be damned. 

“I— I— I— I— g— g—” Connor clenched his bloodied fist, “I g— I go— ot— I gotgot— got got got— I got fr— frus— I gotgot frustra— frust—” Connor let out an agitated sound. Completely unintentional.  Didn’t finish what he’d tried to start. 

“You got frustrated.” The detective guessed after a short silence. 

He nodded.

“... This why you don’t talk any more?” Gavin asked quietly. Softer than he’d ever spoken. It was new. 

“Y—Y— Yes es Yes es es.” 

Connor had received the damage last month on a case. It was unfixable. Even if he had money for another vocal unit (which he did not and likely never would), there was no guarantee that it would work, because there was also permanent damage to his AI, which would likely leech into the coding of a new component. 

The stutter wasn’t going to go away.

Gavin nodded. He was still holding Connor’s wrist, like the android might suddenly lose himself again. It wasn’t an impossible idea. 

“Y’know you can fix a stutter, right? Or make it a lot better, anyway.” 

Connor nodded. Eyes still purposefully on the ground. 

“You actually gotta talk if you wanna get better though.”

“I kn— I kn— I kn— kn kn kn— I I knowknow I I knowknowknow.” 

It was quiet for a few moments. 

“S—S— Sorr— Sorr— Sorry-y.”

“Don’t be. S’fine.”

Shook his head. “Some—Some—Some— Sometimes imes imes I— I I I can’t can’t can’t can’tcan’tcan’tcan’tcan’t— I can’t an’t an’t an’t an’t can’t an’t an’t an’t an’t an’t an’t an’t an’t—” Connor sucked in several fast breaths, close to hyperventilation, eyes squeezing shut. It was humiliating. Gavin, of all people, seeing this side of him. Even Hank hardly ever got to see this, and now Connor was exposing it to the one person who probably hated him the most. What was he thinking? 

“Ay, just… take a breath. Take a second, yeah?” 

The android tried to forcefully breathe slower. Blinking a few times. Eyes down. He’d not looked at the other man once during this entire exchange in the back alley of the precinct.

“Is it normally this hard?” Gavin asked.

Shrugged. Then held his undamaged hand out, palm up. Projecting words onto the small holographic rectangle that popped up, because it was easier. And Connor knew if he tried to talk much more when he was feeling this way, that he might lose it again. 

> YES AND NO

“Just havin’ a hard time right now.” Gavin guessed.

> IF I GET FRUSTRATED OR
> 
> NERVOUS IT BECOMES
> 
> MUCH MORE PRONOUNCED.
> 
> HARDER TO GET PAST.
> 
> SOMETIMES I PANIC. 
> 
> LIKE BEFORE.

“Yeah.”

> I’M SORRY YOU 
> 
> SAW THAT. IT WAS 
> 
> UNPROFESSIONAL.

“Kinda glad I did. You might not’ve had a hand left otherwise.”

Connor glanced down at the damaged appendage, feeling his cheeks heat again. Gavin’s grip had slackened substantially, down to one hand loosely curled around his wrist. Just in case.

> I DON’T 
> 
> NORMALLY
> 
> DO THAT. 

“What made today different?” 

The android huffed out a tired sound, shaking his head. For some reason he wanted to open up to Gavin, and he had no idea why. To talk to him about the deeper meaning behind actions like this. But he wouldn’t. 

> NOT IMPORTANT.

“Seems kinda like it is.”

> IT’S NOT 
> 
> IMPORTANT 
> 
> TO YOU. 

It went quiet. Gavin released Connor’s wrist after a short moment. 

“Right.” 

Shit. The man was offering to listen, and he’d just thrown it back in his face. What was wrong with him? Why was he like this? Ruining everything. 

“I— I I I did— did—” Connor exhaled harshly, “didn’t— didn’t didn’t n’t I I I didn’t m— m— m— mean th th tha at at.”

“You did.” Gavin replied. “I deserve it anyway. Been a dick to you ever since we met.” 

Connor shrugged. 

“You ever gonna look at me?” 

Shrugged again.

“Y’know you don’t have to be embarrassed, right? Or whatever it is you’re feelin’. Nothin’ wrong with a stutter.” 

The android snorted at that. There was everything wrong with it. He used to be perfect. Well spoken and clear. Now he couldn’t even interrogate suspects. 

“Kinda like you more now, anyway.” Gavin said.

Connor’s brow creased, twisting to look at the other in confusion. 

“So now you look at me.” The detective huffed. He was… smiling? When did Gavin smile? At Connor? “Don’t give me that look.” 

“Don— Don— Don’t-t-t-t— m— m— make fun un un un’ve of of of m-m-me e.”

“I’m not. I just… guess I always thought you were so perfect before.”

So that was it. 

“Br— Bro— ken ken Bro-ken ken n-n-now w w.” He said bitterly. 

“That’s not what I— that came out wrong… ‘N you’re not broken or whatever.” Gavin said, “I meant I hated when you were all robotic and shit. Now you’re…”

Broken. Shattered. Defunct. Obsolete—

“… more human, I guess.”

Oh. 

“As human as an android can get, anyway.” 

Connor had never looked at it from that way before. 

Perfection was something he was always told to strive for. Anything less, and it was a failure. But to hear that perfection wasn’t necessarily a good thing…? That it potentially made people like him less? To see him as more machine than deviant… 

Being human was never something Connor had strived for. He wasn’t human, and humans weren’t all that great, truth be told. But to be human, was to have flaws. To learn from your mistakes and let those errors build character. 

Maybe perfection wasn’t something Connor should be striving for? 

Maybe… being wrong now and then… wasn’t such an unacceptable thing…?

He didn’t know.

“You’ve gone quiet.” Gavin said. Then corrected himself. “Quieter than usual, I mean.” 

Connor nodded, mind still whirling. Wondering if perfection was quite possibly, overrated. Gavin certainly wasn’t perfect. Nor was Hank, by any means. Connor had always thought perfection would help him to succeed, but even as a machine he’d made mistakes. And he had been following orders back then. Protocols that should have deemed it impossible for him to be anything but perfect. 

He didn’t know any humans that were perfect. 

In fact… he wasn’t sure he knew any androids, either. 

“H— Ha— ah— av— ving ing ing ing ing ing ing a a a a Ha- ving- a a rea— rea— rea— realis— realis— s— s— s— ation— tion— tion— tion— tion— tion tion tion tion.” 

“About what?” 

“M— M— May May May— be e e— p— per— perfec— tion tion tion tion is is is is is is is ov— ove— over— is is is over-ra-a-a-ated.” He stammered, though he wasn’t completely sold on the idea yet. 

There was a soft note of humour. The unexpected sound had Connor glancing up, meeting the other’s gaze. 

“Think you’re right about that.” Gavin agreed. 

Connor searched his eyes a moment, brow creasing. Why was Gavin being so… understanding? After everything?

“You done punching walls now?” He asked a short moment later.

> I THINK SO.

“Alright.” He said, pushing to his feet. “I’m goin’ back in. You coming?” 

Connor thought about it for a moment. Looked down at his damaged hand, flexing the fingers. There hadn’t been an awful amount of damage done. Nothing that couldn’t be fixed.

Nodded.

Then remembered why he’d been out here in the first place. 

The interrogation that he couldn’t do, because Hank wasn’t here today. Connor had been practising the questions over and over, and no matter how much he’d repeated them, they’d still come out in a stumbling mess. Even if he could get his meaning across, a stutter completely lost him any sort of authority. And if his suspect didn’t respect him, he was going to get nothing. It was already difficult enough being an android interrogating a human. He had to use wit and intellect to show humans he was on their level, if not beyond. And ever since the injury... it had never worked. He tried it once, and the perp just laughed at him. Mocked his impediment. And Connor knew he shouldn’t have let it get to him, but it did, and he had to let Hank take over. They didn’t get the confession. Connor hadn’t interrogated since. He’d given questions to Hank, or sent them cybernetically to the man’s tablet whilst watching from the observation room, but that was all. 

“C’mon.” Gavin’s voice filtered in. “Freezin’ my balls off.” 

It was the end of May. Hardly cold out. 

“G Go— o — o.”

“Sure?”

Connor nodded. “Got Got Got t— to— o— fi— ix fix m-m-my ha— ha— and.”

“You gonna do that yourself?”

“T—Te— ech.” 

“Mm.”

Connor ended up sitting in the alley for another ten minutes before he built up enough willpower to leave. He went downstairs to the Android Tech first, citing in text that he had been involved with chasing a suspect and sustained some damage. A couple of the broken fingers were moulded back to their original form, the others were replaced entirely. The whole process took twenty-six minutes and during that entire time, Connor was fighting internally with himself, trying to figure out what to do about the interrogation. There was no way he could do it. Not with the way he was already so frustrated, he could barely talk to Gavin… 

God. He’d talked to Gavin. 

What if Gavin told someone? 

What if he went back into the bullpen now and everyone was staring at him? Laughing at him? At what he’d become. 

But it turned out to be untrue. No one looked up when he entered. No one sniggered at him as he walked past and smoothly sat at his desk. He calibrated his restored hand with a coin, action not quite as smooth as usual. The damaged parts not replaced would fix themselves completely overnight, and hopefully cause only a little inconvenience to him for the rest of today. 

Gavin was looking at him. 

Connor swiftly looked away, coin tucking back into his pocket. 

It took him a fair bit longer to finally build up the confidence to look over, but by that point Gavin was deep into a phone conversation and didn’t even notice. 

Not that Connor wanted him to notice.

“Connor, in my office!” Fowler’s voice boomed over the bullpen, gaze dragging away from Gavin, though not before their eyes met, for just a brief split second. The Captain was stood at the door of his office, looking displeased. Connor swallowed; an unnecessary action he had undoubtedly picked up from Hank during their time together. Stood and walked to the office promptly, eyes down. Closing the door behind and standing carefully in the middle of the glass room. 

“Look up. At me.” 

Connor jerked his head up quickly, hands clasping tightly behind his back. His gaze fixed onto a space just above the Captain’s head.

“Hank back tomorrow?” The man asked. Connor nodded. “Good. I’m handing your case from today over to another detective.” Connor’s brow creased, but before he could even consider a question, Fowler continued, “I know you don’t interrogate any more, Connor. But the suspect you’ve got in now needs to be questioned as soon as possible, and tomorrow isn’t quick enough. This is too time sensitive. I’ve sent you another case to look into, this one isn’t yours any more.” 

Connor felt himself deflate. 

It was almost comical how Connor hadn’t predicted this.

Almost.

That his problem lost him the case. 

He should’ve know that without Hank, he was incapable of doing good police work. 

He was nothing without his voice. 

“I’m not trying to make you feel like shit, Connor. But I’ve got to do what’s best for the department, and for the city. I hope you understand that.” 

Connor nodded, swallowing down the emotion rising in his throat. Could feel his L.E.D. cycling yellow, as much as he willed it not to. 

“There’s a new case on your desk. Have it done by the end of the day.”

It was humiliating. 

And what made it worse? The second Connor left the office, Fowler called Gavin in. Gavin was going to get his case, and he was going to realise why Connor’d had a meltdown earlier. Because he couldn’t fucking _talk_ and because he was a fucking _failure_.

Connor barely looked up from his desk for the rest of the day. Fowler hadn’t even given Connor a new case. It had just been backlogged paperwork to fill out and update into the system. Which was even more humiliating and upsetting. 

Connor was useless. 

Useless. 

The second his internal clock hit 06PM, Connor swept out of the bullpen and got into the autonomous cab he’d hailed a few minutes prior. 

He cried most of the journey home. Silent tears, with the occasional hitch of breath. Because apparently he couldn’t even fucking breathe without stuttering too.

Hank wasn’t back by the time he arrived. It was just as well, because Connor didn’t think he’d have been able to hide his current emotional state from the man had he been there to greet the android. He walked Sumo and fed him, before opting to take a shower. Sometimes Connor practised speaking when he was in here, because the water drowned out the worst of it, and Hank wouldn’t hear it either. Connor tried this time, voicing out what he should have said to Captain Fowler but had been too overwhelmed to come up with at the time. Telling the man that Connor had already come up with a list of questions that were likely to make the suspect confess. But even that sentence came out choppy and fragmented. Connor cried some more. He checked his email and messages, noting one from Hank that said he would be home late, and not to wait up. 

Good. 

That was… that was… 

Apparently that was not good, going by the sheer amount of sobbing and hyperventilating that followed. 

Connor got into bed early. Hank didn’t even arrive back that late, it was just after 10. But Connor couldn’t face him by that point, as much as he needed some kind of comfort. He heard the man softly knock on his door, and open it gently to see if the android was actually there. Connor didn’t stir. Made sure his breaths were slow. By the time morning came, Connor had only cried two more times, and had a few hours of wakeful stasis. 

“Mornin’, kid.” Hank greeted as the android entered the living room. Connor nodded in his direction, eyes darting around the room, looking for the tie pin he had discarded at some point last night. “… You alright?” 

Connor made an agreeing sound whilst he scanned, unable to locate the pin. 

“Not gonna ask me how it went?” 

Pausing his searches, he met the other’s gaze, waiting a moment. Then gesturing for the man to continue. Hank’s lip twisted a little at that, eyes raking over Connor, like he could see something else the android could not. 

“Was fine. Bit awkward to start, but… yeah. He ended up not being such a dick, for once.” 

Connor pointed at Hank. 

The man huffed, lip curling. “And me? Yeah I tried not to be one either.”

Connor gave him a small smile. Happy that Hank had reconnected with his brother Port Austin.

Happy that at least one of them was doing better.

“How about you? Work okay?” 

Connor’s smile dropped without meaning to. He tried to bring it back, but it was too late by that point. 

“Something happen? Tough case?” 

He exhaled. Closed his eyes briefly. “L— L— L— L— L— o— ost it it it it.” 

“Lost it? The case?” 

Nodded. “F—F— Fow—”

“—Fowler?” Hank asked, “He took it from you? Why?” 

“In— In— Interr—”

“—Interrogation?” The lieutenant sighed, “He fucking took it off you because you needed to interrogate, didn’t he.” 

Connor looked away, lip twisting down. 

“Fuck’s sake.” 

The android just wanted to find his tie pin.

“It’s not fucking fair.” Hank said. 

He just wanted the pin. 

** * **

Connor didn’t find the tie pin. He’d been too focused on trying not to cry in front of Hank. Trying to block out the man’s mutterings of frustration. They were understandable, but Connor couldn’t handle it right now. He already felt bad enough that he’d lost them their case, and the lieutenant’s upset was only serving to remind Connor of his failure. 

And then Hank went and made everything worse, by heading directly towards Fowler’s office the moment they arrived. Connor grabbed his arm, trying to hold him back and showing a panicked DON’T in block font projected on his hand. But Hank was on a mission, and when he decided on doing something, it was hard to stop him from carrying it out. Connor was left in the middle of the bullpen, heart suddenly in his throat because he couldn’t stop Hank from whatever he was about to say. 

He looked around. No one else seemed to even notice. No one cared that Hank might lose his job from saying something rash or inappropriate. Not to mention it now looked like Connor had gone and cried to Hank and asked the man to fix it for him. 

Connor’s breath caught in his throat. Deer in the headlights. 

Should he go in there and stop this from happening? Or would he get sucked into it and make everything worse? 

Fight?

Flight? 

Right now he was freezing. L.E.D. flickering red, dread twisting his chest. 

Then he was moving. Legs taking him without his permission, carrying him back out the front doors and down the secluded side of the building where people often came out to smoke or eat. Connor knew this by the amount of litter on the ground. Pacing up and down the passageway, scanning everything as he went. Trying to calm himself down. Noting fingerprints, telling him which officers were serial litterers, and which ones were chain smokers. 

Connor hated hyperventilating. 

Just another function of his body he couldn’t seem to control. 

It took him ten minutes to calm down. 

** _Where did u  
_** ** _go??_ **

A text from Hank. Two minutes ago. 

> **_What did Fowler  
> _** ** _say?_ **

Connor replied. Because he couldn’t go back in there until he knew what he was facing.

Hank was normally a phone call kind of person. That had changed recently, with Connor. Sticking with messages because it was faster. Simpler for Connor to write things down, because his voice was too slow and he was useless because of it.

** _Nothing helpful. Got  
_** ** _a different case now  
_ ** ** _u coming back??_ **

Now Hank was back, they had cases again. 

Connor couldn’t do cases on his own any more. 

Connor was nothing without another person there.  Nothing without a voice.

> **_I’ll be there  
> _** ** _momentarily._ **

He expected all eyes to be on him the second he walked back into the bullpen. But they weren’t. 

Apart from Gavin’s. 

Connor’s steps halted for a moment. Then continued on, as if nothing had happened, heading directly for his own desk. 

He didn’t attempt to speak for the rest of the day, relying heavily on the written word. Letting Hank speak to the witness at a crime scene. Letting Hank sound out theories to Detective Collins, when Connor showed him a specific piece of chemical analysis he had discovered. 

Letting other cops shove past him in the corridor of the precinct without sticking up for himself or asking them not to. He knew what they all said about him now, anyway. He’d heard them whispering amongst themselves many times since his injury. _“A fuckin’ mute android. What next?”, “What use is an android that doesn’t talk?”, “Maybe it just doesn’t have anything interesting to say”, “Someone probably got tired of hearing him talk so they ordered it to shut the fuck up.”_

There were more things. Darker, crueller things he didn’t wish to remember.

Detective Reed had said some harsh things in the past. Connor wondered if that would change now he knew about this situation. Maybe he would just pity Connor instead. Somehow, that seemed worse.

That evening, Connor composed a short email apologizing to Captain Fowler for how Hank had behaved earlier. He wasn’t sure what had been said, but Connor wanted the man to at least know he hadn’t wanted Hank to do that. There was never any response. 

Connor stopped talking completely. 

Not even when Hank tried to coax it out of him. Not even when he was alone. He took to staying later and later at the precinct, claiming he had paperwork to do, or that he wanted to follow up on a lead. In reality, he was avoiding Hank. Because sometimes Hank tried to get him to talk, and Connor couldn’t face it. So not giving himself the chance to see Hank outside of work meant there was less chance of it happening at all. 

The thing was, Connor _wanted_ to talk.

There were _so_ many things he wanted to point out, or debate, or teach, or just _talk about_. Connor was built to observe and report, and he loved doing those things. Acquiring a speech impediment did nothing to change that. 

Oftentimes he caught himself, words on the tip of his tongue, and he would have to forcibly pull back. Stopping himself from talking had become somewhat second nature now. To the point where even humming agreement to a statement had him hesitating. 

At the start, whenever he’d spoken to someone, they’d looked annoyed that it took him so long to get the words out. They looked at him funny, because he was an android failing at such a simple task. Or they cut him off half way through by trying to guess what he was saying, because he was too slow and they wanted to be faster. Strange, how Connor was built to be the fastest processing android in the world. Now even humans thought he was too slow.

It was an amalgamation of these thoughts and more that brought Connor to Riverside Park several weeks later. Eyes wet, shoulders slumped. 

There were so many words on the tip of his tongue. So many things he wanted to say and say and say, but he was so scared to say anything. So scared that he would make a fool of himself, or that someone would laugh, or make jokes, or interrupt, or belittle him. Because that’s all he’d ever heard so far. In fact, the only person who’d ever let Connor speak properly was Detective Reed. Gavin had been the only person to show Connor any sort of patience. Imagine that. The world must have been a much darker place than Connor ever realised, for Gavin Reed of all people to show Connor some kindness. 

Perhaps that was why, two hours later, Connor found himself outside the man’s door. 

It was stupid.

This was stupid.

What was Connor doing here? What was this going to achieve? 

Just because the man had shown him two minutes of kindness once, weeks ago. They’d never spoken since. There had been a few lingering glances, but nothing more. 

It was nearing 11PM at night. Gavin might not even be in. He might be asleep. He might not want any company right now. Especially from the android he so clearly disliked… but showed patience with when no one else did… 

Connor irritably blinked away his fresh tears. 

What was he doing here? Turning up unannounced like he even _knew_ the man. So _stupid_. 

The android was halfway down the stairwell when he slowed to a stop. 

Because… he didn’t want to leave. 

He just… wanted that bit of kindness again. Even if it was only one glance, that said ‘Don’t rush. Take your time.’ 

He just _wanted_ someone to let him talk, and not think any less of him because of it. To not get irritated when he took too long to finish a simple sentence. 

Connor wanted that so badly. He was so desperate for it. To the point that he was seriously considering climbing back up the stairs and knocking on Gavin’s door.

Could he do that?

Should he? 

Would Gavin turn him away? Hate him? Laugh at him… 

Half a minute later he was outside the door once more.

He knocked. 

Waited.

There was definitely someone inside.

What if Gavin had someone with him? What if he wasn’t alone, and Connor was about to make a huge fool of himself? What if— 

The door opened a crack. Chained. 

“Yeah?” 

Shit. 

Shit. Shit. Shit. Connor had to reply and— and he— he _couldn’t_ —

“Hello?” Gavin said irritably.

Connor couldn’t. 

L.E.D. illuminated red in the dark hall.

“Fuck’s sake.” The detective muttered, yanking the door shut. 

Connor’s hand was on it again, knocking insistently. Why. _Why_ was he doing this to himself?

The chain was drawn across.

“Who the fuck is it? I’ve got a fucking gun in h—” Gavin stopped short, eyes widening when he saw Connor. 

Oh God. 

Oh God, this was bad. 

This had been a stupid idea. So _stupid_. 

Connor felt apologies and explanations building up in his throat, but he couldn’t let them past. 

“What are you doing here?” 

There was a gentle light spilling out into the dark hallway. Enough that Gavin could see who he was. Likely enough that Gavin could see how bad the android looked. Because Connor knew he looked bad. He’d caught the reflection of his blotchy skin and red rimmed eyes not long ago, and his usual clothing was crumpled; shirt untucked, tie loose. Not to mention he was practically vibrating from a mixture of fear and stress, L.E.D. stuck cycling a sickly red and yellow, not sure where to settle. Not sure of anything any more.

Gavin was waiting for an answer.

One that Connor had no idea how to give. 

Eyes lowered, unable to meet the other’s gaze. This had to have been one of the stupidest things Connor had ever done in his short life. 

There was a long exhale of breath in front. It sounded overwhelmed. 

Connor turned to leave, making it only a couple steps before there was a hand at his wrist, stopping him in his tracks. Fingers warm against Connor’s cold skin. 

“You… Y’can come in. ‘f y’ need to.” Gavin said quietly, before releasing the android’s arm. 

He wanted to.

Connor really… He _really_ wanted to.

This was his chance. 

Gavin was extending an invitation, despite Connor turning up out of the blue. Despite the hour. Despite the android’s dishevelled state. 

Gavin was actually _willing_ to let him into his apartment despite everything. 

He’d probably be willing to let Connor talk, as well. He’d done it once before, why would that change now. 

It was too much. 

He was too scared. There were so many ways for things to go wrong. Too many ways Connor could imagine Gavin laughing at him or belittling him or interrupting him. L.E.D. a firm red. 

Connor strode away, ignoring how Gavin called after him in confusion. Hearing the man walk a few paces after him and speeding up faster, to the point he was bolting down the stairwell and off into the night. 

What had he done? 

What had he done. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Titles throughout are inspired by some of my favourite musicians/bands, and how their music and lyrics apply to this story...  
> 'Golden' by Harry Styles.  
> 'I Won't Let You Fall' by Foy Vance.  
> 'You Seemed so Happy' by The Japanese House.


	2. Wasting My Young Years

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gavin is a serial multiple texter. He learned this from Tina.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the response so far, excited to share more with you all!

Connor didn’t sleep that night. Hadn’t slept the last sixteen nights either. He knew Hank had noticed, because the man was trying to be gentle. Connor didn’t want him to be gentle. He wanted Hank to shout and scream at him, to punch him in the face and ask what the _fuck_ was wrong with him? Why was he behaving this way? Why couldn’t he just fucking _speak?_ But this was Hank, and he was never any good at communicating how he was feeling, nor would he want to intentionally hurt Connor. 

Pretending last night had never happened was high on Connor’s priority list. He acted no differently to usual. Got Hank his morning coffee from the break room like always, took down some notes for their current case, shadowed the lieutenant during an interrogation. 

Gavin kept looking over at him. 

Could feel his gaze like a physical weight. 

But Connor wouldn’t look over. Looking over made it real. Looking at the other meant he had failed. 

The problem with this plan, was that Gavin was a very stubborn man. 

A stubborn man with Connor’s phone number. 

**_You ever going to_ **  
**_look at me?_ **

The words flickered into his vision. Top right corner. Unavoidable.

> ** _I’m not sure what  
> _ _you are referring to._ **

** _Playing it that way_ **

** _I get it_ **

** _I’ll pretend last night  
_ ** ** _never happened, sure_ **

Connor didn’t respond. He wasn’t sure how to at this point. There were too many variables that could go wrong. Too many things he could say and unintentionally annoy the other man. Staying quiet was the safest option.

Gavin didn’t seem to understand what silence meant. 

** _Guess what I had a  
_ _weird fucking dream  
_ _last night_ **

** _You were in it_ **

** _You turned up to my  
_ _apartment in the  
_ _middle of the night_ **

**_Didn’t say anything  
_ _but you looked rough  
_ _as shit_ **

** _Strange fucking dream  
_ _huh_ **

> ** _Detective Reed, I’m trying  
> _ _to work. Please could you  
> _ _refrain from messaging  
> _ _during work hours._ **

There wasn’t a response. 

Until 06:01PM. In the car. Hank driving them home.

** _Did I tell you about  
_ _that dream I had  
_ _last night_ **

** _Weird as fuck_ **

> ** _Detective Reed, I have  
> _ _to ask you to refrain  
> _ _from contacting my  
> _ _personal number  
> _ _unless it’s a work  
> _ _emergency._ **

** _Could have sworn  
_ _you were actually  
_ _there_ **

** _But apparently not_ **

Connor exhaled. Long and slow.

> **_I don’t know what  
> _ _you’re hoping to  
> _ _achieve by doing this._ **

**_Not trying anything_ **

** _You wanna pretend  
_ _last night didn’t  
_ _happen_ **

** _That’s what I’m doing_ **

** _Thought that was  
_ _obvious_ **

> ** _I don’t understand._ **

**_You not understanding??  
_ _Seems fake_ **

> **_I really..._ **
> 
> ** _Don’t understand._ **

** _Nice_ **

Connor had no idea what to make of it, so he stopped replying. 

It didn’t stop Gavin. 

Over the course of the evening he received multiple texts from the man. Just now and then. Like fleeting thoughts. Almost as though he’d thought about Connor when he’d thought of those things.

** _Nothing like a cold  
_ _beer after work_ **

** _You ever had a beer  
_ _before?_ **

** _Prob not_ **

** _Can you even drink_ **

** _You’ve never had  
_ _coffee have you_ **

** _If you can drink  
_ _you better try  
_ _coffee_ **

**_But not shitty coffee_ **

** _Don’t drink the  
_ _coffee at work_ **

** _Awful_ **

** _God I hate reality  
_ _TV_ **

** _Fucking addictive  
_ _tho_ **

**_The people on this  
_ _show are assholes_ **

** _Which says a lot  
_ _coming from me_ **

**_Prob shouldn’t be  
_ _havin coffee right  
_ _now_ **

** _Oh well_ **

** _Beer isn’t actually  
_ _that great tbh_ **

** _Was the only thing  
_ _I could come up with  
_ _earlier_ **

** _Getting fucking back  
_ _ache from carrying  
_ _this entire  
_ _conversation tbh_ **

** _You’re stubborn_ **

** _Thought I was  
_ _stubborn but you’re  
_ _something else_ **

** _Was gonna sleep but  
_ _I had a coffee dumb  
_ _fuck_ **

** _You better not tell  
_ _Hank I talk so much  
_ _shit_ **

> ** _I think he already  
> _ _knows._ **

Connor replied at 04AM, several hours after the last text. He’d read the messages from Gavin over and over again... and they’d made him smile, genuinely. For maybe the first time in a long time. 

He didn’t know why the man had chosen this approach. To suddenly... be kind. 

It wouldn’t last. Gavin would get bored. Lose his patience. Connor would fuck it up somehow.

But somewhere deep down... the android didn’t think he would mind. Even just this strange text exchange tonight had helped, somehow. It would keep him going a while longer.

He wasn’t sure why it’d had such a positive impact on him. Perhaps it was because it hadn’t been about work, or his speech problems, or mental health. It had just been inane. Things that weren’t important at all, but to Connor right now, meant the world. 

Why did Gavin want anything to do with him?

It didn’t make sense. 

Maybe he just pitied Connor. 

It seemed to be the only likely option. Connor didn’t provide any other kind of benefit to the man, professional or otherwise. 

That must be it.

*****

Gavin texted back at 06:32AM. Then sent several more messages between then and 09AM. 

** _Damn_ **

** _Didn’t peg you as  
_ _a joker_ **

** _Fucking got me  
_ _good_ **

** _Fuck I make good  
_ _coffee_ **

**_Not to flex or  
_ _anything_ **

**_You in work today_ **

**_I’ll prob see you  
_ _there_ **

** _Ready for another  
_ _day of pretending I  
_ _don’t exist cuz I sure  
_ _am_ **

**_You’re a pro at  
_ _avoiding people tho  
_ _fr_ **

** _Gotta teach me that  
_ _shit_ **

** _Wait do you live_  
_with Hank_ **

** _Genuine question?_ **

> ** _Yes._ **

** _I knew you were  
_ _reading this shit_ **

**_What’s Hank like at  
_ _home_ **

** _Bet he’s a pain in  
_ _the ass_ **

> ** _I suppose you’d  
> _ _know more about that  
> _ _than I would._ **

** _…_ **

** _Connor wtf do you  
_ _know what you  
_ _just said_ **

> **_I was implying you  
> _ _were annoying._ **

** _You sure that’s  
_ _all you were sayin  
_ _lol_ **

> **_What else would  
> _ _that mean?_ **

** _._ **

** _Nothing_ **

** _Nvm_ **

** _See you in a bit_ **

** _Well. You’ll pretend  
_ _to not see me prob_ **

** _I’ll enjoy not talking  
_ _to you all day_ **

“What’re you smilin’ about?” Hank asked, glancing over. They were in his Crown Vic waiting at a set of lights, on the way to work. 

The word ‘nothing’ almost sprang out of the android’s mouth. Almost. He caught it last second, and merely shrugged in response instead. Mostly avoiding eye contact. Safer that way. To not know what Hank was thinking. 

“Fair enough… Nice seein’ you smile.” 

Connor thought about that for the rest of the journey. 

*****

The first time Gavin caught Connor’s eye that day was mostly by accident. Connor had gone to get Hank a drink from the break room, and upon leaving, nearly walked right into the detective. 

“Watch it.” Gavin huffed, shoving past. 

Connor paused a moment, unsure of the exchange and what it meant. Looked over his shoulder at the other man fetching himself a coffee from the machine. And then Gavin looked over his shoulder too… and their gazes just… lingered, on one another. Only a few seconds. Then Connor left. 

Eye contact wasn’t something Connor had been doing much of lately. Now and then he would, if a situation called for it. But being essentially mute (and an android) meant people didn’t look at you all that much anyway. Gavin hadn’t gotten that memo though, it seemed. Because for the rest of the day, Connor kept catching the man looking over at him. Their desks ran parallel in the bullpen, so it could’ve just been a coincidence that the man was looking in this direction. But somehow Connor didn’t think it was. It was proven so when he and Hank went out in the afternoon to a crime scene, and Hank commented after the fact.

“Swear Gavin keeps lookin’ over at you today.” 

Connor just shrugged, not meeting the other’s eye. Focusing on the spatters of blood on the carpet he’d recently analyzed. 

“If he’s sayin’ shit to you Connor…” 

The android’s brow creased, unsure what this tone of voice meant. Chanced a glance at the other man. Hank was watching him, lip twisted down, eyebrows drawn together. 

“Don’t give me that look. I’m just try’na look out for you, kid… You’ve… You’ve been real quiet lately. More than usual… M’worried about you. You… You never talk any more. You don’t even try to.” 

Connor left the room. 

Didn’t give Hank any explanation. 

Because he couldn’t deal with it. Couldn’t deal with the idea that Hank didn’t think he was trying. He _was_ trying. So fucking hard. 

It was _so_ fucking hard.

Every day was becoming such a struggle. And all Hank ever did was try to help, but his brand of help was just making things feel so much worse. All Hank wanted Connor to do was open up, but Connor didn’t know how to, and not having a fucking functional voice made it all that much harder, and made him feel like an even bigger failure for not being able to do this _simple_ thing that would probably make everything feel so much better. 

Connor found a quiet room of the house and shut himself in it, willing the tears in his eyes to go away. For his chest to stop jumping, holding back his upset. 

It took six minutes to calm himself down, and another four to decide he wasn’t going to get upset again. Though if Hank tried to say anything more to him, he would. That was inevitable. But he hoped his reaction earlier would stop the man from attempting it again so soon. 

Thankfully Hank didn’t say anything more when Connor joined him a little later, now in the kitchen, though he could feel the man’s gaze. But Connor couldn’t make himself look. He didn’t want to know what Hank was thinking. Didn’t want to see disappointment in his eyes. Displeasure twisting his lip. Just another day where Connor had failed. 

> COLLECTED
> 
> ALL EVIDENCE. 
> 
> WE CAN GO.

“Mm.” Hank hummed in response. The tone had sounded resigned. Tired. Disappointed. All of these bad things, and Connor knew he was the one to blame for Hank feeling this way. 

The drive back to the precinct was silent. No music. No nothing. 

Connor retreated back into himself. Making notes for the case on his terminal, head down, not looking up. Messaged Hank that he would be staying later to finish up some research. And Hank just let him. Left at 06PM with a hesitant pat on the android’s shoulder and a quiet ‘see you later’. 

Connor wondered if Hank wanted him to move out. 

It would be easier. 

That way the man didn’t have to see Connor every morning and feel disappointed. And Connor didn’t have to carry the additional weight of Hank’s disappointment either. He would have to carry it at work, but maybe Connor wouldn’t stay working here. Maybe it was better for Connor to not be present in anyone’s lives. It wasn’t as though he was doing a good job anyway. Maybe some of his conclusions were reached faster than other people, but the lack of a functional voice cancelled that out. He was just a glorified computer at this point. 

** _You always work this  
_ _late?_ **

Gavin texted.

Connor froze. Suddenly very aware of the time, and if Gavin was here, how there were very few other officers in the precinct. There would be nothing stopping the man from approaching. 

** _I’d say it was  
_ _dedication but I don’t  
_ _think it’s that_ **

**_Do you ever just  
_ _switch off_ **

**_You’re always thinking  
_ _so damn much_ **

** _You don’t talk to  
_ _anyone_ **

Connor scanned the area. It didn’t seem like Gavin was here though. In fact right now, there was no one in the bullpen. 

He was alone. 

** _When’s the last time  
_ _you talked to someone  
_ _other than Hank_ **

**_Or talked about  
_ _something that isn’t  
_ _work_ **

Connor bit his lip, eyes beginning to burn. Chest getting tight. 

Why was he always getting so upset, so easily? 

** _I’m not trying to  
_ _force you to do  
_ _anything I just think  
_ _that there’s more  
_ _life than work_ **

** _Yeah it’s an  
_ _important fucking  
_ _job ofc it is_ **

** _But you gotta draw  
_ _a line somewhere_ **

** _When’s the last time  
_ _you actually spoke  
_ _out loud Connor?_ **

He covered his face, hunching down over the desk. 

Eyes brimming. 

Fat tears rolling down his cheeks.

> ** _Gavin please_ **

** _Please what?_ **

** _Tell me what you  
_ _actually want  
_ _Connor because I  
_ _don’t think you ever  
_ _let yourself have  
_ _things you want_ **

** _So tell me_ **

** _I’ll wait_ **

Connor could hardly breathe, trying to keep his upset inside. Trying not to let it overflow, because if he let that happen he wouldn’t be able to contain it. 

> ** _I don’t know_ **

** _You do, you just  
_ _don’t want to  
_ _admit you want  
_ _stuff_ **

** _Everyone wants  
_ _stuff_ **

> ** _I want_**

> _** to not be alone ** _

He was crying then. Tears flooding down his face, sniffing and hiccuping because he was _so_ alone. And there was no one else to blame because he’d done this to himself. He’d gotten himself to this point and he didn’t know how to come back from it. 

It took him a little while to calm down. To dry his tears. By some miracle no one was in his vicinity, so his mild breakdown had been private. Good. That was… good. 

Gavin had texted a couple minutes ago.

**_Yeah_ **

** _Know the feeling_ **

Did he? Connor wondered if that was true, or if he was just trying to make the android feel better. And if it was the latter, the fact that the man was actually _trying_ to make him feel better was… 

**_Look_ **

** _I’ve never done  
_ _anything like this  
_ _before_ **

** _And you don’t  
_ _have to because  
_ _I’ve never exactly  
_ _given you a reason  
_ _to like me_ **

** _I’ve been a huge  
_ _asshole ever since  
_ _we met truth be  
_ _told_ **

** _But_ **

Connor frowned at the texts suddenly appearing in his optical units. 

** _Idk there’s a place  
_ _not far from work  
_ _that I’m in_ **

** _On Brooklyn St  
_ _called Mudgies_ **

** _If you want to  
_ _come and sit with  
_ _me for a while you  
_ _can_ **

** _They’re open until 9_ **

** _Can’t promise I’ll  
_ _be good company_ **

** _We can just sit in  
_ _silence tho you don’t  
_ _have to say anything_ **

**_I’ll be here for the  
_ _next hour probably_ **

** _So idk_ **

** _if you don’t want to  
_ _be alone you can  
_ _come and be mopey  
_ _with me instead of  
_ _alone in the bullpen_ **

** _There’s magazines  
_ _and shit so it doesn’t  
_ _have to be awkward_ **

**_I’ve got my laptop  
_ _was gonna do shit  
_ _on there anyway_**

Connor read and reread the messages in confusion.

Gavin wanted Connor to join him? 

It made no sense. Gavin hated Connor. He hated androids.

Why would he offer this? 

> ** _Why_ **

He finally got the courage to ask. Gavin replied a minute later.

** _Because being alone  
_ _is the fucking worst_ **

**_Why not be alone  
_ _together_ **

Connor swallowed down the threat of more surging emotions. 

Lately Connor cried so much. So easily. What if he cried in front of Gavin? 

What if Gavin saw him and changed his mind and left?

What if this was just some kind of sick joke.

Maybe it was. 

But Connor was at a point where he felt desperate enough to go and see.

*****

It was a small cafe. A deli, really. But the type didn’t matter, he supposed. The main thing was that he could see inside, and only one table was occupied. By Gavin. Connor allowed himself to watch the man for a moment, partly obscured by the establishment's logo stencilled on the window. Could practically feel cold air exuding off of the glass: A/C on full blast inside. Though he'd never experienced the summer for himself, Connor knew the  weather was warmer than usual. June was one of the hotter months in Michigan, but the evenings usually turned cooler. Not tonight.

Seeing Gavin outside of work felt almost strange. During the impromptu ‘visit’ the other night, there had been so much going on in the android’s head he hadn’t even registered the man being dressed in a ratty t-shirt and basketball shorts until later. Now, Gavin wore a dark green short-sleeved top and jeans. Not so dissimilar from his usual work attire, but somehow entirely different in this setting. 

The only reason Connor went in was because there was no one else there. Had even one of the other tables been occupied, he wouldn’t have been able to make himself do it. It was hard enough that there was a member of staff present, but Connor would have to fight past that if he wanted to see Gavin.

And he did. 

Want to see him. For some reason.

He wanted that. And Gavin had told him it was okay to want things. 

Connor’s Thirium Pump thudded in his chest.

The second the door opened, a bell jingled over his head, and the detective looked up. For a moment, Connor did nothing. Wondering if he should turn back… Wondering if this had been a huge mistake. That he'd made _another_ mistake. But Gavin stuck his foot on the chair opposite, and kicked it out a fraction. It scraped along the wood floor.

Connor had to try.

He had to try something.

Anything...

Taking an unnecessary breath, the android entered. 

*****

A tangle of earphones and Gavin’s unlocked cell phone were deposited on the table near Connor. 

They’d been sat in silence for ten minutes whilst Gavin typed on his laptop. Barely had any sort of greeting, and the man had waved off the ever vigilant waitress/owner twice already.

The first and near enough only words that came out of the other’s mouth during the visit were:

“Can listen to music f’you want.” 

Then he looked back at his computer, action prompting that a response was not required. 

A minute later Connor picked up the earphones and worked on untangling them, hands gentle and slow. He could have scanned to figure out the most efficient way of straightening them, but this seemed better. Fiddling with the wires. Focusing on a simple task. No pressure to complete it quickly. 

Picking the phone up and plugging the earphones in, he was rewarded with a quiet, “Don’t go snoopin’ around my stuff,” from Gavin. Which for some reason made the android’s lip curl upwards, just for a moment. He put the earphones on.

Connor scrolled through the selection. There was a lot on offer, as the device was connected to some kind of global music database. And Gavin listened to a lot of different genres, it seemed. Flicking through the ‘Recently Played’ section, a few CDs stood out. He selected the first one that had intrigued him. It was old. From [2019](https://open.spotify.com/album/3vgpygHRpJDWTVUXEqNTUR?si=_WXGm9-PSeC488iHaY1_2g). Called ‘Sometimes It’s Something, Sometimes It’s Nothing At All’. 

The music was surprisingly slow and calming. Not something Connor expected from the man. It was also human-made, not android. Most music was produced by androids these days. But this was… nice. Connor lost himself in the lyrics and melodies. It might have been the first time he’d stopped thinking in days. Weeks, really. 

The android listened for a while. Passed the phone back now and then when it buzzed with a new notification. ‘Teenie’ was the most common sender. Gavin replied to the messages, then held the device over for Connor to take again. 

The android exhaled slowly. 

It was quiet.

Peaceful. 

There was something so very nice about sitting here like this. Doing their own respective things, with no other expectations. No pressure to make conversation, or eye contact, or anything. But still being present enough to know you weren’t alone. To wordlessly share things, like music. Or a glance.

When Gavin went to the bathroom, Connor sent a text. A simple _‘Thank you.’_ He watched as the notification popped up on the device in his hand (name simply designated ‘Connor’), dismissing it so it could be found later. The android didn’t think he could handle any kind of conversation right now, even something small. He’d felt ready to burst into tears just from the friendly greeting he’d gotten from the deli owner earlier, and hadn’t yet had any sort of courage to meet Gavin’s eye for longer than a second. 

Tucking Gavin’s phone and earphones into the leather jacket on the back of his chair, Connor slipped away without a word. He stuck around outside for a minute or two to make sure no one entered the cafe and made eyes at Gavin’s belongings, and left when the man returned. Didn’t wait to see what his reaction would be to Connor’s sudden disappearance. Perhaps he would be happy Connor had left. Maybe he was just waiting for the android to leave, so he could go himself. Gavin could have hated every single second of that. It seemed entirely possible. 

Who would want to spend time with Connor.

*****

The warm buzz Connor had built up for himself extinguished the moment he got out of the autonomous taxi at 115 Michigan Drive later that night. Dread curled beneath the surface. Worrying what Hank might say to him. If he would bring up their earlier conversation at the crime scene, or ask him where he’d been, or why he kept staying late at work, or why he’d been so quiet or not talking. There were so many things Hank could ask Connor and Connor just didn’t want to answer, because he would get upset and that would make Hank even more worried, and Connor was just… so tired. He didn’t want to get upset again. He just wanted to go to his room and stay in there, because being in there meant he didn’t have to face the possibility of these difficult conversations. 

It was so hard.

Why was this so hard…

He was exhausted from it all. 

It took Connor twelve minutes to build up the confidence to go inside. And he needn’t have worried anyway, because Hank was asleep on the couch, which meant the android could slip past unseen. It was better this way. Relieving, getting away with not talking to him. It was safer in his room, alone, where no one could bring up topics he didn’t want to approach. 

Connor didn’t know how much longer he could keep it up. 

It was only a short-term solution, doing these things. And he knew it was. But it had become so natural to him, that doing anything other than that seemed wrong, and frightening. Even sitting in front of the TV with Hank was a scary prospect, because he didn’t know when the man might bring up a topic he didn’t like. 

It was best to just avoid it all together.

Safer.

Connor knew he couldn’t keep this up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'Wasting My Young Years' by London Grammar.


	3. Restless Wind

Androids didn’t necessarily ‘sleep’. But they did need to enter stasis so their systems could rest and process backlogged information. Not having to rest so much was helpful, in that Connor could get many things done if he wanted to, not held back by the human constraints of energy production. But it wasn’t helpful when Connor pushed at boundaries that shouldn’t be pushed. 

Most androids entered stasis each night, to help process the day’s events, and register new updates. 

It was now Connor’s 18th day without stasis, and he could feel it. His head was abuzz with the crushing weight of his own excessive and irrational thoughts, as well as backlogged files waiting to be organised, pending bug fixes and malware checks, not to mention his entire system now required a security update and full anti-virus scan. It was making everything slow and sluggish, and Connor knew that he would be more efficient if he just went into stasis. But did he deserve stasis, really? 

** _You look kinda  
_ _shitty no offence_ **

Gavin texted. Connor exhaled a quiet, discontented sound. Hank had already commented on the android’s lacklustre appearance. Apparently stasis also helped to keep his synthetic skin looking flawless and healthy, not pale like it was now.

** _You sick?_ **

** _Can androids get  
_ _sick_ **

**_Do you have_ **

** _a bug_ **

He could see Gavin trying to hold back a smirk at his own joke, to which Connor responded with a deadpan glare at his own computer monitor. 

** _Ok that was bad  
_ _tbh_ **

** _Still_ **

** _You sick or  
_ _something_ **

> ** _No._ **

** _What’s with the look  
_** ** _then_ **

** _Fucking paler than  
_ _a ghost fr_ **

**_You a ghost_ **

** _Connor_ **

** _Are you a ghost?_ **

> **_Please don’t message  
> _ _me during work hours._ **

** _I don’t usually_ **

**_But I just thought  
_ _I’d ask_ **

** _As a one off_ **

Connor focused back on his work. Gavin seemed to give up after that. 

At 05:59PM, Hank stood up at his desk, stretching his spine. Looking over at Connor. 

“You… coming back now?” He asked hesitantly.  Walking on eggshells. 

Perhaps Hank thought being gentle would help, but it only served to make Connor feel inadequate. Like some child that needed to be cared for, because it couldn’t help itself. It irritated him, and simultaneously made him upset. He wanted to snap at Hank, because the man was practically babying him. And he wanted to cry, because maybe Connor did need help, but he wasn’t able to accept it. The conflicting emotions had the android looking down at his desk, eyes stinging. Because he wanted help, but he was so scared of accepting anything. So scared of talking about these things that he couldn’t face, because he didn’t want Hank to be disappointed. To see Connor as weak and obsolete. 

“Connor?” Hank asked again. Gentler.

The android felt his face growing warm, fists clenching under the desk. Sent a text to Hank’s phone that read ‘ _Not yet.’_ and waited stiffly for the next minute or so as Hank gathered up his things and left. Connor didn’t exhale properly until he was certain the man must have left the station, eyes fluttering shut. Trying to breathe slower. 

A few minutes later, a text arrived.

** _Cafe?_ **

Not Hank. Connor blinked. Then realised he could see Gavin out the corner of his eye, lounging back at his own desk: feet resting on the surface, busy on his phone. 

It took the android a minute or two to stop his mind from racing at all of the things that could go wrong from accepting this. All of the things he could do to make a fool of himself, or offend Gavin, or somehow inadvertently upset Hank? 

There were so many reasons for him not to go. 

But he wanted to.

And maybe he… was allowed to want that.

Maybe that was okay.

> **_Maybe in a while._ **

** _Yeah?_ **

> ** _I would like to  
> _ _walk on my own._ **

Gavin replied with a thumbs up emoji, heading out to the front entrance half a minute later. 

That hadn’t been so hard, Connor supposed. Telling Gavin that he wanted to be alone for a while. Telling Gavin he _wanted_ that. There had been no negative repercussions from such a thing. Whereas if he’d asked Hank, Hank might have wanted to know why they couldn’t walk together, or what difference did it make if he was on his own or not, or why he couldn’t come now. 

It was so hard. 

God, it was _so_ hard.

Connor knew Hank was only doing what he thought was right. Everything Hank was doing was coming from a good place, but it was just… it wasn’t _helpful_ for Connor. Hank always wanted to _know_ what was going on with him, and Connor couldn’t blame him for wanting to know that. But sometimes Connor just wanted to keep things to himself. In the right balance, that would be fine. But now the balance had tipped so far down the wrong way, that it had gotten to the point where Connor didn’t feel like he could tell Hank anything. 

It was almost stupid, now he thought about it. Connor was being so stubborn about keeping these thoughts inside and away from Hank, because Hank had wanted to know them and Connor didn’t want him to. And it had spiralled so much that he could barely even acknowledge the man face to face now. Eye contact had near enough completely gone. He dreaded to wonder what Hank thought about him. About this whole situation. He probably wanted Connor gone. It would be easier if he was gone. Tears pricked his eyes at the thought, and he had to try and forcefully pull himself away from that line of introspection. He really needed to enter stasis. Rest would probably help him to think less despondently. But… going to see Gavin felt more important right now. Connor needed rest, but he _needed_ this. Just something to get him by another week or so.

Now he sounded like some kind of addict. Jesus. Was Connor really so starved for contact? The fact that he was walking to the cafe less than an hour later made him think it was definitely possible. 

There were more people in the cafe tonight. 

The idea of going in there, where people could see him and ridicule him… If Connor’s palms could sweat, they would be doing so in abundance. If he could feel sick, his stomach would be twisting and rolling. All of his feelings and thoughts combined with his lack of rest had the android’s body so tense, some of his artificial limbs were actually trembling. His Thirium Pump was beating far too fast, breaths shaky and short. 

There were five people. It was just five people. Five. It was fine. He could pre-construct the route he would take to get to the chair opposite Gavin. There was no reason he had to make eye contact with any of them. All he had to do was enter, keep his head down, and sit. 

He could do that. 

Could he?

He could. He could.

It was almost like tunnel vision when he opened the door, bell jingling overhead, signifying his arrival to everyone. His heart thumped. Eyes fixed on the ground. It was like there was nothing either side of him, yet _everything_ was. Like the weight of everyone’s eyes were on him, but he couldn’t see them because his gaze was fixed so wholly on the ground. The floor began blurring in his optical units as he strode along his pre-constructed route to Gavin’s table, sliding into the chair opposite without looking up or greeting the man. 

Connor knew he must look odd. Sitting rigidly in the chair opposite a man he hadn’t even said hello to or looked at. He felt like everyone was watching him. 

Hands curled into fists in his lap. Heart in his throat. Half holding his breath without even realising. 

Connor didn’t know how long he sat like that. Gavin never spoke. Never gave any indication that he’d noticed Connor was there, though it was doubtful he didn’t notice. In his effort to not be seen, Connor felt like everything he’d done had made him entirely _more_ visible to everyone in the establishment. 

** _Ok?_ **

Gavin texted at some point. 

Texting was good. 

Texting meant no eye contact. It meant Connor could control his outward reactions to things. That he could take his time with replying, to make sure he was saying the right phrases. The right responses. 

> ** _Are people looking_ **

** _At you? No_ **

Connor chanced a glance up at the man. Just for a second, their eyes met. Then his gaze was back on the table, heart uncomfortably quick.

** _They’re all watching  
_ _something on  
_ _someone’s phone_ **

**_One of them is  
_ _leaving_ **

> ** _Ok_ **

It felt a little easier to breathe after the assurance. Connor even managed to look over there to find that Gavin had indeed been telling the truth, eyes following one of the people as they exited the building, bell ringing on the door. 

> **_Why do I feel like  
> _ _this here but not  
> _ _at work_ **

** _What do you feel  
_ _like?_ **

> **_Like I can’t  
> _ _breathe._ **
> 
> **_Like everyone is  
> _ _watching me._ **

** _Maybe it’s bc  
_ _you’re in a place  
_ _you don’t know_ **

** _Unfamiliar can be  
_ _unsettling_ **

Their eyes met again, just briefly. Connor noted that Gavin had his laptop again, a plate with crumbs leftover, and half a bottle of beer. 

**_No one’s looked  
_ _over here for a  
_ _while dw_ **

> **_Ok._ **

** _Feeling any better?_ **

> ** _Not really._ **

Gavin puffed out a breath that sounded like amusement. A quick look showed the man’s lip curled up. The expression warmed Connor in a way he hadn’t experienced before. 

** _Fair_ **

**_You and Hank ok?_ **

> ** _Yes.._ **

** _Yeah?_ **

> **_I’m not sure._ **

** _Yeah_ **

> ** _I keep pushing  
> _ _him away._ **

** _Know that feeling_ **

> ** _What if I push  
> _ _him too far away?_ **

** _You think you have?_ **

> ** _I think_ **
> 
> ** _it could be getting  
> _ _close._ **

** _Maybe give Hank  
_ _some more credit_ **

** _He’s a tough  
_ _bastard_ **

** _Fucking asshole_ **

** _But a tough one_ **

Connor felt his own lip quirk. Just for a moment. 

> **_I don’t know how  
> _ _to talk to him._ **

** _Maybe you need  
_ _to talk to someone  
_ _else…_ **

> **_Like who?_ **

The lack of instant response had Connor’s brow creasing. He looked up. Gavin was looking off to the side, chewing his lip. Looking like he’d said something he shouldn’t… Oh.

> **_Oh._ **

Gavin looked back at his phone. Eyes met briefly. Somehow in that one glance, they both seemed to know what the other was referring to. 

** _You thought about  
_ _that?_ **

> ** _About therapy? Not  
> _ _in so much depth._ **
> 
> **_Hank suggested it  
> _ _once._ **
> 
> ** _I didn’t_ **
> 
> **_react well._ **
> 
> ** _So he didn’t say it  
> _ _again._ **

** _Yeah_ **

** _Might help you  
_ _open up_ **

> ** _Maybe._ **

** _Helps me_ **

> ** _You go to  
> _ _therapy?_ **

Gavin rolled his eyes. 

** _Got a problem  
_ _with that_ **

> **_No. I just didn’t  
> _ _expect that._ **

** _Why_ **

> ** _Because you’re…_ **
> 
> **_Gavin_ **

Gavin snorted.

** _Exactly??_ **

** _If you don’t think  
_ _I need help you’re  
_ _fucking blind_ **

> **_I think you’re okay._ **

Gavin exhaled an amused sound. “Gee, thanks.” He muttered under his breath whilst texting a reply. 

**_That meant to be  
_ _a compliment?_ **

> ** _It was an  
> _ _observation._ **

Gavin seemed to find that even funnier, for some reason. 

** _Glad you observed  
_ _that_ **

> ** _You can take it  
> _ _as a compliment  
> _ _too._ **
> 
> ** _If you want._ **

The man didn’t laugh at that. He looked up though, eyes searching for a moment. Gavin’s lip quirked briefly. Connor’s followed suit a few belated seconds later. 

** _Nice_ **

** _I’m ‘ok’_ **

** _Good to know_ **

He was grinning a little wider as he typed his response. Connor’s own mouth mirrored the expression.

> ** _I don’t want you  
> _ _to get big headed._ **

Gavin snorted. 

**_My head’s already  
_ _pretty fucking big  
_ _tbh_ **

**_Feel free to add  
_ _more fuel to the  
_ _fire_ **

Connor’s chest felt fluttery, but not in the bad way it often was. This was a different kind of feeling, though still a little frightening all the same. 

> ** _If I observe anything  
> _ _else you’ll be the  
> _ _first to know._ **

** _Great. Thanks_ **

> ** _You’re welcome._ **

Gavin was shaking his head, but he was smiling. It was such a genuine expression that Connor had never seen on the man, that he had to look away. Unsure of how to deal with it. 

Their conversation had ended anyway, it seemed. Gavin was back on his laptop, typing something. Connor wondered what he was doing on there, but thought he shouldn’t ask. It wasn’t his business. Opted to pick up the interactive magazine on his right instead, flicking through a few articles that weren’t really all that important or interesting. But it was something to do, and Connor felt calm enough to try and focus on something else for the time being. 

The second the bell on the door chimed, and new voices sounded, Connor could feel himself getting tense again. Fingers tightening on the magazine, gaze fixed on the table. 

** _Just two people_ **

** _Sat in the window  
_ _seats, not facing us_ **

Gavin texted half a minute later. Connor’s eyes fluttered shut, trying to breathe slower. To calm himself.

It was fine. 

This was fine. 

He wasn’t alone. 

Gavin was here and he wasn’t alone.

Connor must have been quiet for longer than he thought, because Gavin texted again, words flicking up behind closed eyelids.

** _You need to  
_ _go?_ **

> **_No._ **
> 
> ** _I’m okay._ **
> 
> ** _Thank you._ **

** _Sure?_ **

> ** _I believe my  
> _ _increased sensitivity  
> _ _is due to my lack  
> _ _of rest._ **

**_Androids sleep?_ **

> ** _It’s called ‘stasis’._ **

** _You dream and  
_ _shit?_ **

> ** _No. It’s for  
> _ _updating and  
> _ _bug fixes._ **

** _So you really  
_ _do have a bug?_ **

> ** _No. I should have  
> _ _entered stasis  
> _ _sooner._ **
> 
> **_I think it’s partly  
> _ _why I’m feeling  
> _ _the way that I am._ **

** _Makes sense_ **

** _Being tired makes  
_ _me a cranky bitch  
_ _too_ **

Connor felt his lip curl up. Eyes opened. Focused back on the table. 

> ** _Coffee doesn’t seem  
> _ _to help you with that  
> _ _either, does it._ **

He heard Gavin scoff a disbelieving sound.

**_Did you just  
_ _make a joke?_ **

> ** _I think perhaps I  
> _ _did._ **

** _I think perhaps you  
_ _did_ **

** _Nice_ **

** _You got a comedian  
_ _program uploaded  
_ _or something_ **

> ** _No._ **
> 
> **_I didn’t realise  
> _ _my joke was funny  
> _ _enough to be  
> _ _classed as such._ **

** _Wtf_ **

** _Who even are you_ **

> ** _I’m Connor._ **

Gavin was grinning. Wider than Connor had ever seen it. He felt his own cheeks warming. 

He had produced that expression.

Gavin was smiling because of Connor.

How was that possible? 

** _Yup_ **

The android didn’t reply. Wasn’t really sure how to, and he didn’t want to say something that would stop Gavin from smiling either. 

** _3 people are  
_ _about to leave_ **

** _Just so you know_ **

Connor nodded, feeling self conscious all of a sudden. Gavin kept warning him about things, and reassuring him. It was… strange. To be given this kind of consideration and care. Hank might have done these kinds of things for Connor too, but the android had never given him the chance to try. So why was he letting Gavin do it?

The bell on the door chimed, and Connor glanced up at the detective, who just nodded and lifted his phone slightly, signifying it was the three people leaving he’d already informed him of. 

> ** _3 left inside?_ **

“Mhm.” Gavin hummed in confirmation, before taking a drink of his beer. 

The android felt himself sag a little in relief. 

It was draining, being so hyper aware. Connor wondered if this was how humans felt when they were tired. Maybe Connor could class himself as ‘tired’ too. He definitely felt differently to usual. 

** _How often are  
_ _androids meant  
_ _to sleep anyway_ **

Connor exhaled. It sounded tired. Maybe he was tired. 

> ** _It’s called ‘stasis’._ **

** _So ‘sleep’_ **

> **_Most androids  
> _ _enter stasis each  
> _ _night._ **

**_You’re kinda proving  
_ _my whole ‘sleep’  
_ _point_ **

> **_Think of it like  
> _ _this._ **
> 
> ** _Would you leave  
> _ _your laptop  
> _ _running 24/7?_ **

**_Tbh I don’t think  
_ _I’ve shut it down  
_ _since 2037_ **

> ** _What?_ **

** _What? I just close  
_ _the lid_ **

**_Sometimes it  
_ _restarts when it  
_ _updates_ **

> **_You alarm me  
> _ _sometimes._ **

** _I’ll take that one  
_ _as a compliment  
_ _too._ **

> ** _…_ **

** _So. Android sleep_ **

> **_Stasis._ **

** _You’re not a  
_ _laptop tho_ **

** _Ok this is a  
_ _really weird  
_ _conversation_ _to  
have_ **

> ** _You’re the one  
> _ _that started it._ **

** _I know I just had  
_ _a surreal moment  
_ _but I’m back_ **

> ** _…_ **

** _Continue_ **

> **_What else did you  
> _ _want me to say?_ **

** _Idk_ **

** _What does sleep  
_ _do for you guys_ **

> ** _Stasis is for many  
> _ _things. Processing  
> _ _daily events and  
> _ _backlogged  
> _ _information. Storing  
> _ _new files. Bug fixes.  
> _ _Security updates.  
> _ _Anti-Virus. Healing._ **

** _You guys heal  
_ _when you sleep?_ **

> ** _Most androids don’t._ **

** _You’re not most  
_ _androids I take it_ **

> ** _No. I have an  
> _ _advanced system._ **

** _That’s dope tbh_ **

** _So if you get a  
_ _papercut it’ll be  
_ _gone after you  
_ _nap?_ **

> ** _Why do you have  
> _ _to make it sound  
> _ _so trivial?_ **

** _Bc it’s funny to  
_ _see you get  
_ _annoyed_ **

> **_You’re teasing me._ **

** _Just a little_ **

** _You make it so  
_ _easy_ **

> ** _Mm._ **

Connor was trying not to smile. 

He’d smiled a lot tonight. It felt nice. But draining. 

** _Is pretty cool tho  
_ _tbh_ **

** _Is it just superficial  
_ _healing?_ **

> ** _It’s anything to do  
> _ _with my external  
> _ _framework,  
> _ _essentially.  
> _ _Nothing internal._ **
> 
> ** _Skin will heal.  
> _ _Plastimetal plates  
> _ _too._ **
> 
> ** _They’re what you  
> _ _might call ‘bones’.  
> _ _Even though they’re  
> _ _not that at all. But I  
> _ _suppose that’s the  
> _ _human equivalent._ **

**_Fuck so if you  
_ _break a bone it’ll  
_ _heal?_ **

> ** _Depends on the  
> _ _kind of break, but  
> _ _most of the time,  
> _ _yes._ **

**_Sick_ **

**_Cheap for health  
_ _insurance I bet_ **

> ** _… Yes. It does  
> _ _help actually._ **

** _Lucky_ **

Connor shrugged. He didn’t feel very lucky. 

** _What’s the longest  
_ _you’ve gone  
_ _without sleeping_ **

> ** _Right now is  
> _ _probably the  
> _ _longest._ **

**_3 days?_ **

Connor shook his head, feeling his lip tug up. Gavin was never going to guess this.

** _4?_ **

His lip tugged higher. 

** _5??_ **

Gavin’s mouth didn’t seem to be mirroring Connor’s this time.

In fact, he was frowning at his phone. 

** _How long?_ **

Suddenly Connor wasn’t finding this fun any more. Smile slipping completely, looking back down at the table. 

> ** _What does it  
> _ _matter?_ **

** _It matters_ **

> ** _I’m an android.  
> _ _It’s not the same._ **

** _I know that_ **

> ** _I don’t want to  
> _ _talk about this  
> _ _any more._ **

** _Yeah_ **

** _Alright_ **

Now Connor had gone and ruined it. Whatever this was. 

He always ruined things.

**_1 person about  
_ _to leave_ **

And still, Gavin was… doing this. Why? Why. 

> ** _Why are you  
> _ _being like this_ **

** _Like what?_ **

It took him a minute to actually work up the courage to reply. Within that time the person had left, but right now Connor felt like he could trust Gavin enough to not question him again about the amount of people inside. 

> ** _Kind_ **

** _I’m not really_ **

> ** _No one talks to  
> _ _me like this._ **

** _You don’t let  
_ _anyone else talk  
_ _to you tho_ **

> ** _I let you._ **

** _No fucking idea  
_ _why_ **

**_I’m prob the  
_ _worst person you  
_ _could have come  
_ _to lol_ **

> ** _I don’t think  
> _ _that’s true._ **

Gavin exhaled. Rubbed his forehead somewhat tiredly himself. Their eyes met, and the man shrugged, like he didn’t know what to say. 

> ** _I think_ **
> 
> ** _what I’m trying to  
> _ _say is thank you_ **

** _Gotta be a shitty  
_ _time if I’m the only  
_ _one showing you  
_ _some kind of  
_ _common courtesy_ **

Connor frowned at that. He’d been thinking that maybe there was something else to this. That Gavin might have liked him. Wanted to be… friends. 

> **_Is this just  
> _ _common courtesy?_ **

**_Idk_ **

** _I’m new to this  
_ _whole ‘being a  
_ _decent person’  
_ _thing_ **

> **_I think you’re  
> _ _doing a good job._ **

Gavin scoffed. 

**_Uh huh_ **

> **_What changed?_ **

** _?_ **

> ** _You seem to…_ **
> 
> ** _Not hate androids  
> _ _quite so much  
> _ _any more._ **

** _I never hated  
_ _androids  
_ _specifically._ **

> ** _Just me._ **

Gavin looked away, jaw tightening. Connor shouldn’t have said that. He was pushing the detective and he shouldn’t be. Shit. He was going to lose this like he lost everything.

** _I was insecure_ **

** _I thought I hated  
_ _you but I never  
_ _did_ **

** _I had some issues  
_ _to work out but  
_ _I’m getting past  
_ _them ig_ **

> ** _With therapy?_ **

** _Yeah_ **

Connor nodded. 

> ** _Sorry for asking  
> _ _you_ **

** _It’s fine_ **

** _Kinda nice to get  
_ _it off my chest_**

** _Talking helps more  
_ _than you think_ **

> ** _I know._ **
> 
> **_I feel better than  
> _ _earlier._ **
> 
> ** _Even though I  
> _ _haven’t said all  
> _ _that much._ **

** _You’re gonna sit  
_ _there and tell me  
_ _this isn’t the  
_ _longest  
_ _conversation  
_ _you’ve had in the  
_ _last week?_ **

** _Work aside_ **

> ** _I suppose you’re  
> _ _right._ **
> 
> ** _I could talk more._ **

** _It’s fine. You don’t  
_ _have to talk loads if  
_ _you don’t want to_  
**

** _But I think having  
_ _a proper work/life  
_ _balance is  
_ _important_ **

** _When’s the last time  
_ _you had a convo  
_ _that wasn’t about  
_ _work and wasn’t  
_ _with me?_ **

Connor tried to think back. He could probably find a specific date, but his processors lagging more than usual made him not want to waste the time trying to find it.

> ** _I’m not sure._ **

** _Maybe that’s  
_ _something to try_ **

** _Idk I’m not a  
_ _shrink_ **

** _But I guess once  
_ _you’ve been going  
_ _for a while you  
_ _kinda become your  
_ _own therapist_ **

> ** _Do you think I  
> _ _would benefit  
> _ _from therapy?_ **

** _I think it wouldn’t  
_ _hurt to try_ **

Connor nodded. Bit the inside of his cheek, because he could feel his emotions trying to externalise through upset. 

Why was this such an upsetting thing? Going to therapy would be a good and healthy thing to do. 

Maybe it was because Connor had never imagined himself to get to this point… needing help that much. Maybe that was why he was upset. 

> ** _I’ll think about it._ **

** _Fair enough_ **

It went quiet for a short while. 

They did their own things; Gavin on his laptop, Connor swiping through news articles. A comfortable silence, despite some recent topics in conversation.

The detective texted.

** _You gonna do your  
_ _stasis thing tonight_ **

> ** _I was planning on  
> _ _it._ **

** _Cool_ **

** _Think I’m gonna  
_ _head out in a few_ **

> ** _Of course._ **

** _You going home?_ **

> ** _I should imagine so._ **

**_Nice. Guess I’ll  
_ _see you tomorrow_ **

> ** _You will._ **

** _Alright_ **

** _Gonna go, see you  
_ _around_ **

> ** _Goodnight._ **

👍

Connor left first, because he couldn’t stand the idea of being alone in the cafe. Gave the other a nod, then pushed out of his seat, walking a swiftly pre-constructed route with his head down. Ten minutes later he texted a _‘Thank you.’_ , to which he got an _‘Np’_ in return. 

*****

Connor didn’t sleep that night. 

He needed to, but he just couldn’t. His stress levels were too high, and there was too much going on in his head to even think about relaxing. Nineteen days without stasis was not good. There were error messages pinging into the corner of his vision every ten minutes, reminding him to update and complete necessary scans, but he Just. Couldn’t.

Ended up pacing back and forth in the dark living room. L.E.D. flashing red. 

Couldn’t stop himself from doing it. 

Just pacing and pacing and pacing because he couldn’t stop thinking and thinking and he couldn’t Stop.

Everything seemed to peak around 03AM. 

There was no real reason for it but Connor just tipped over the edge and he wound up sitting in the middle of the kitchen floor crying. Hugging his knees and curling into the smallest size he could. 

Sumo came to investigate shortly after, slumping on the ground next to the android. Connor was starting to hyperventilate at that point, so couldn’t really do anything but stay put. 

It was a little later that the overhead light flipped on.

Vaguely, Connor grasped that this was Hank. Couldn’t seem to take in anything the man was saying, however. But he supposed his crying got a little louder, because he wasn’t so worried about waking Hank any more. 

Something soft and warm draped over his shoulders, followed by a comforting hand, rubbing slow circles against his back. Saying quiet things that didn’t compute, but were appreciated all the same.

Eventually, things seemed to calm. 

Exchanged a small conversation with Hank when he was able. 

Got sent to bed, where he didn’t sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'Restless Wind' by Passenger.


	4. Falling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **TW: Suicidal thoughts**  
>  (They aren't explicitly described, but they are there. There is a sense of deeper intent: a conclusion that could be reached should he fall much further.)

**_You not working  
_** **_today?_ **

Gavin texted.

> **_Hank made me stay  
> _ ** **_home._ **

**_Why??_ ** ****

> **_I got upset._ **   
>  ****
> 
> **_Last night._ **   
>  ****
> 
> **_He thought I should  
> _ ** **_take a break today._ ** ****

**_What do you  
_ ** **_think?_ **

> **_I’m not sure what  
> _ ** **_you mean._ ** ****

**_What do you  
_ ** **_think you need?_ ** ****

> **_Hank thinks I need  
> _ ** **_a break_ ** ****

**_But what do YOU  
_ ** **_think you need_ **

> **_I don’t… know_ **   
>  ****

**_Just because Hank  
_ ** **_thinks something  
_ ** **_doesn’t make it the  
_ ** **_truth_ ** ****

**_Figure out what you  
_ ** **_want to do. Not  
_ ** **_what Hank wants  
_ ** **_you to do_ ** ****

> **_Hank is trying to  
> _ ** **_help me._ ** ****

**_I don’t doubt he  
_ ** **_is Connor but you  
_ ** **_need to try and  
_ ** **_stop thinking about  
_ ** **_what Hank needs  
_ ** **_and start thinking  
_ ** **_about what you  
_ ** **_need_ **

**_Hank might be  
_ ** **_doing what he  
_ ** **_thinks is right but it  
_ ** **_might not be right  
_ ** **_for you_ ** ****

**_So what do you  
_ ** **_want?_ ** ****

> **_I.._ ** ****
> 
> **_I don’t want to be  
> _ ** **_useless_ ** ****

**_You’re not.  
_ ** **_But say you were.  
_ ** **_What would you do  
_ ** **_to stop yourself  
_ ** **_from feeling that  
_ ** **_way?_ ** ****

> **_I would go to work  
> _ ** **_and help people._ ** ****

**_Do you want to  
_ ** **_come to work? Or  
_ ** **_do you want to  
_ ** **_stay home?_ **

> **_Hank will be  
> _ ** **_unhappy if I go to  
> _ ** **_work._ **

**_This isn’t about  
_ ** **_Hank. It’s about you.  
_ ** **_What do you want?_ **

**_What do you think  
_ ** **_you’re capable of  
_ ** **_doing?_ ** ****

**_Think about  
_ ** **_yourself for once  
_ ** **_Connor_ ** ****

**_You don’t have to  
_ ** **_tell me. Just think  
_ ** **_about it_ ** ****

**_I gotta go a case  
_ ** **_just came up_ ** ****

**_Just think about it  
_ ** **_ok_ ** ****

> **_Okay._ **

** * **

It took Connor a lot of internal conflict to find himself outside of the precinct later that morning. Hank had been adamant that Connor take a ‘sick day’, and the android was more than a little unsure of how he'd react once he saw that instruction had been ignored. So Connor crafted a message in advance. The second he arrived and Hank looked up from his desk, Connor projected it onto his hand.

> HANK. THANK YOU FOR
> 
> YOUR CONCERN, BUT I’VE
> 
> DECIDED THAT I WOULD
> 
> LIKE TO WORK TODAY.
> 
> I HOPE THAT’S OKAY. 

The lieutenant frowned. It seemed like he was about to say something, but he held back. Scrubbed his mouth tiredly instead, sighing.

“You sure about this?” 

Connor nodded.

> YES. I’VE 
> 
> THOUGHT
> 
> ABOUT IT. 

Hank seemed to give in easier than Connor expected. Perhaps because he felt it best to keep an eye on the android in person. Though it didn’t stop the man from questioning his choice multiple times over the rest of the morning.

“Are you sure?”

“You sure you're okay?”

“Are you sure you’re okay to do this?”

> I WANT TO 
> 
> BE USEFUL.

Connor said finally.

“I know, but… Sometimes I just worry you want that because it was what CyberLife always told you to want.”

Connor frowned at that. 

Because the idea wasn’t… unfathomable. 

What if… that _was_ the reason? 

What if Connor didn’t really want to work, but it was so ingrained into his system that he felt like he _had_ to work in order to be happy and feel useful? 

Had Connor ever wanted anything for himself?  Or was he so focused on what everyone else wanted, that he didn’t even know his own desires any more? 

Did Connor really want to work today? Or was it old programming making him want that? 

Did he just want to be at home, to relax and take a load off? Or was that because Hank wanted him to do that?

Did Connor even want to go to therapy, or was he just considering it because Gavin had suggested it?

What did Connor want? 

What did he _want?_

He didn’t know.

He didn’t know. 

Connor didn’t know anything any more. 

*****

He remained at work despite Hank’s questioning, because he didn’t know what else to do. Because if he left, Connor would have panicked. He would have panicked at these thoughts swirling and swirling around his head so repetitively. Embedding themselves into his mind. This _conviction_ that he didn't know what he wanted. That he had never truly wanted anything for himself, and that he completely and utterly deserved to feel this way. So overloaded and sad. 

At least being at work gave him something else to focus on. 

Gavin returned to the precinct a few hours later, back from his crime scene. They shared a quick glance in greeting, before focusing back on their respective cases. 

The rest of the day was fine. 

Connor stayed late at work. Hank was not pleased with this, especially after his 03AM breakdown, but he couldn’t make the android change his mind. And the lieutenant wasn’t exactly in a position to enforce an order any more. So Connor stayed, and Hank left.

06PM became 08PM.

Then 10PM. 

By that point Connor felt awful. 

Vibrating from his stress levels, mind going in circles and circles and circles. Telling him he wasn't good enough. That he was just some faulty machine, that he didn't deserve anything because he'd never done anything good in his life. He was always making mistakes, always upsetting Hank, always leaning on Gavin. What good did he do? What good had he ever done?

Worse still, Hank was now trying to call him, assumedly to find out where he was. Connor couldn’t even reply on a phone call, so what good did that do? And he’d been ignoring the earlier texts because he’d been scared they were angry and that Hank was mad at him.

It all felt like it was too much. 

Everything was closing in on him and he couldn't breathe. 

He left the precinct.

Walked. 

Walked more.

Hank texted again. Didn't read it. Hadn't read any of them. Hank was upset with him. Connor was upsetting Hank.

More prompts from his system. Urging stasis. Urging updates. Urging him to lower his stress levels. Hands shaking. 

There was so much going on in his head. So much. He didn't know how to stop it. He couldn't stop it.

It was too much. Too much and Connor couldn’t do it any more.

He couldn’t do this. 

Found himself in Riverside Park a little later. It was dark and deserted, and Connor broke down into tears because he could no longer hold them back. 

Why had he come here? Of all places. 

Hank had pointed a gun at Connor here.

Why had Connor come back? 

Was it because this place had been the first time he’d truly considered his own mortality? 

Or was it because of the rapid river below, that could take it all away?  Was that what Connor wanted? 

He didn’t know.

He didn’t know anything.

He didn’t know anything. 

Hank tried calling again. Dismissed it. 

Connor’s head was buzzing with activity. His lack of rest, lack of bug fixes and updates, case notes, unorganised filing. Darkening thoughts. 

It was too much.

He needed something. 

Anything. 

Just _some_ kind of help. Something to ease this misery. He needed it or things were going to go badly and he knew they would because all Connor had ever known was death and destruction ever since he was activated. He didn’t know what other solutions there were to this. He only knew the bad ones. 

So Connor did the only thing he could think of. 

The only thing that had ever made some difference in the past.

> **_Hank keeps texting  
> _ ** **_me_ ** ****
> 
> **_and calling me_ **
> 
> **_But I don’t want to  
> _ ** **_go home_ **
> 
> **_I can’t go home_ **   
>  ****
> 
> **_I can’t_ ** ********
> 
> **_I need to go_ ** ****
> 
> **_I have to go_ **

He burst into more tears at the words. He barely even knew what he was saying anymore. He felt so awful and now he was bothering Gavin about it. He shouldn’t have done it. He shouldn’t have brought Gavin back into this. Should never have brought Gavin into this.

> **_Sorry_ **   
>  ****
> 
> **_Sorry I shouldn’t be  
> _ ** **_talking to you about  
> _ ** **_this_ **

What was he doing, oh God. Oh shit.

There was no way to take it back now, because Gavin’s response was so swift. ****

**_Where are you?_** ****

> **_It’s fine don’t worry_ ** ****

**_Do you need help?_ ** ****

> **_I_ ** ****
> 
> **_No_ ** ****
> 
> **_I don't know_** ****
> 
> **_I don’t know_ ** ****

**_Do you need me  
_ ** **_to call Hank?_ ** ****

> **_No_ ** ****

**_Do you want me  
_ ** **_to pick you up?_ **

Connor didn’t reply to that.

Because he did want that. But he shouldn’t. It was unfair on Gavin. He’d already caused enough problems tonight. Already caused enough every single day. Connor always caused problems. 

Maybe he should just stop. 

Maybe he should just stop everything. 

Stop it all. 

**_Tell me where you  
_** **_are and I’ll come  
_ ** **_get you_ ** ****

**_I don’t mind_ ** ****

**_It’s not an  
_ ** **_inconvenience  
_ ** **_for me_ **

> **_You_ **

Connor bit his lip, trying to hold back a fresh batch of tears. 

> **_You shouldn’t_** ****

**_I can do it if I  
_ ** **_want to_ ** ****

**_Where are you?_ ** ****

> **_I don’t want to be  
> _ ** **_a burden any more_ ** ****

**_Why don’t we talk  
_ ** **_about it?_ ** ****

> **_I can’t_ **
> 
> **_I can’t_ ** ****
> 
> **_I need to go_ ** ****

**_We don’t have to  
_ ** **_talk_ ** ****

**_We can just sit  
_ ** **_quietly like we  
_ ** **_have in the past_ **

> **_I can’t_ **   
>  ****
> 
> **_I can’t do this_ ** ********
> 
> **_I can’t do it any  
> _ ** **_more_ **

**_You can. You  
_ ** **_really can Connor_ ** ****

> **_It’s too hard_ ** ****
> 
> **_It’s too hard_ **
> 
> **_I’m so tired_ ** ****

**_How about this_ ** ****

**_You come to my  
_ ** **_place_ ** ****

**_I won’t even look  
_ ** **_at you if you don’t  
_ ** **_want_ ** ****

**_I can leave the  
_ ** **_door unlocked and  
_ ** **_you can let yourself  
_ ** **_in_ ** ****

**_And I’ll be in my  
_ ** **_room_ ** ****

**_You have the rest  
_ ** **_of the apartment to  
_ ** **_yourself_ ** ****

**_And I won’t come  
_ ** **_in until you feel  
_ ** **_comfortable_ ** ****

**_And if you don’t  
_ ** **_want me to come  
_ ** **_in at all that’s okay  
_ ** **_too_ ** ****

**_We can do whatever  
_ ** **_you want to do_ ** ****

**_It doesn’t bother me_ ** ****

**_I don’t mind_ ** ****

> **_Why are you doing  
> _ ** **_this_ ** ****

**_Because I don’t want  
_ ** **_you to do something  
_ ** **_you’ll regret_ ** ****

> **_Why_ ** ****

**_I just don’t_ ** ****

**_And no one ever  
_ ** **_tried to help me  
_ ** **_when I needed it_ **

**_So I want to help  
_ ** **_you now_ ** ****

**_If you’ll let me_ ** ****

> **_I don’t know why  
> _ ** **_you’re being like  
> _ ** **_this_ ** ****

**_Look I’ve not let  
_ ** **_myself give a shit  
_ ** **_about anyone for a  
long time_** ****

**_Let me help you_ ** ****

**_I want to help you_ ** ****

> **_I can’t_ ** ****
> 
> **_even talk_ ** ****
> 
> **_Why do you care_ ** ****
> 
> **_I’m nothing_ ** ****
> 
> **_I’m nothing_ ** ****

**_You’re not nothing  
_** ** _to me_ ** ****

> **_How can you say  
> _ ** **_that_ ** ****

**_Quite easily Connor_ ** ****

**_Way too fucking  
_ ** **_easily_ ** ****

**_You’re a bigger part  
_ ** **_of my life than I  
_ ** **_realised_ ** ****

**_I want you to be in  
_ ** **_my life_ ** ****

**_Maybe that’s selfish  
_ ** **_but I don’t care rn_ **

Connor didn’t reply for several minutes. Riding out the next wave of tears and crying that overtook. How could Gavin like him? How _could_ he? It didn’t make sense. It didn’t make sense. 

Nothing made sense right now. 

All Connor knew, was that Gavin had asked him to come over, and that there was nothing expected of him. Connor didn’t have to talk or explain or do anything. 

And that… 

Connor really needed that right now. He just… he needed to not be alone, but he needed space at the same time. It was contradictory, he knew. But somehow Gavin seemed to know too. 

He took several long breaths. Trying to calm. Trying to quiet.

He knew he needed help. 

And this... this was help. 

A kind of help he could accept, because the alternative had become far too frightening to consider.

> **_I’ll knock_ ** ****
> 
> **_Before I come in_ ** ****
> 
> **_So you know it’s  
>  me._ ** ****

**_Ok_ ** ****

**_Ok good_ ** ****

**_Thanks_ **

Somehow Connor knew the thank you went deeper than that. 

*****

Testing the handle, he found Gavin’s apartment unlocked as promised. He knocked three times on the open door, then closed it behind. Stopping a moment. Breathing. Listening. 

Gavin had kept his word. He wasn’t nearby. 

Locking the door, the android took some hesitant steps further inside. He hadn’t been in here before. There was a short hallway with a coat rack, mirror, and side table. A few steps along to the right showed a dimly lit living room through an archway. Ahead opened up to a kitchen. 

That was as much as he could manage. 

Connor loved to explore. But he didn’t love it tonight. 

He didn’t like a lot of things tonight. 

Felt overloaded. Overwhelmed. Achingly sad.

Flipped all the switches off on the wall nearby: kitchen and hallway plunging into darkness. Then headed right, into the living room, rigidly sitting on the couch in the center. 

Swallowed. 

There was a grey blanket on the arm of the sofa. Connor pulled it to his lap, stroking the soft fabric carefully. It smelled clean, and somehow like Gavin at the same time. Amongst all of the awful things Connor was feeling… at least this didn't feel quite so bad. 

Fingers smoothed through the creases. 

Connor bit his lip when he felt it wobble. More upset threatening to escape. 

Didn’t know what to say. To do. 

He knew there were no expectations of him, but he still felt like he had to say something. Like he had to at least acknowledge he was there. 

> **_Sorry_ **

A poor effort, on his part. But he had absolutely no idea what to do. He just knew he had to do something or he would be on edge for even longer, worrying about what Gavin was thinking, and if he was still awake or if he decided to go to sleep. If the man could even sleep after everything Connor had done to him tonight. 

**_Don’t be_** ****

**_Is there anything you  
_ ** **_want to do?_ ** ****

**_Or something I can  
_ ** **_do_ ** ****

**_Or do you just want  
_ ** **_me to shut the fuck  
_ ** **_up for now_ **

Connor exhaled slow, head dropping to his hands, fingers twisting through his hair. 

> **_I don’t know_**

Gavin kept asking him what he wanted, but the android had no idea what that was any more. Where other people’s wants ended and his own began. How could he even start to figure that out?

> **_I don’t know what  
> _** **_I want_ ** ****
> 
> **_I keep_ ** ****
> 
> **_I keep focusing so  
> _ ** **_much on what  
> _ ** **_everyone else wants  
> _ ** **_that I don’t know  
> _ ** **_what I want any more_ ** ****
> 
> **_I don’t know if I’ve  
> _ ** **_ever wanted  
> _ ** **_something before, or  
> _ ** **_if they’re all just  
> _ ** **_things other people  
> _ ** **_want_ ** ****
> 
> **_I don’t know what  
> _ ** **_I want_ ** ****
> 
> **_How can I not know  
> _ ** **_that?_ ** ****
> 
> **_I thought_ ** ****
> 
> **_I thought I knew  
> _ ** **_myself better than  
> _ ** **_this_ ** ****
> 
> **_I thought_ ** ****
> 
> **_I don’t know_ ** ****
> 
> **_I just don’t know  
> _ ** **_anything any more_ ** ****
> 
> **_I’m just so tired_ ** ****
> 
> **_I’m so tired_ **

It was quiet for a minute or so. Connor was trying not to cry again, but there were tears filling his eyes. Fingers swirled through his hair more gently, in a way that felt comforting somehow. 

**_When did you last  
_ ** **_sleep?_ **

**_No judgement I  
_ ** **_just wanted to know_ ** ****

> **_It’s been a while_ ** ****

**_A week?_ ** ****

**_Two?_ ** ****

> **_19 days_ ** ****

**_Can see why you’re  
_ ** **_tired_** ****

> **_It’s not that kind of  
> _ ** **_tired_ ** ****

**_I know_ **

It went quiet again for a bit. 

Hank kept trying to call him. To message. Connor couldn’t bear to check what the man was writing. 

It was too much. 

> **_Gavin?_** ****

**_Yeah_ ** ****

> **_Hank keeps_ ** ****
> 
> **_Hank keeps trying to  
> _ ** **_call me and_ ** ****
> 
> **_and text me and I_ ** ****
> 
> **_I can’t_ ** ****
> 
> **_I can’t_**

_**You want me to** _   
_**call him?** _

> **_I don’t know_ ** ****
> 
> **_It’s_ **
> 
> **_not your job_ ** ****

**_No. But I’m a fast  
_ ** **_learner_ ** ****

> **_He might not  
> _ ** **_understand_ ** ****

**_He definitely won’t  
_ ** **_understand_ **

**_But I’ll try and get  
_ ** **_him to listen_ ** ****

**_Anything you want  
_ ** **_me to tell him?_ **

> **_I don’t know_ **   
>  ****
> 
> **_I don’t want him to  
> _ ** **_worry_ ** ****

**_Can’t guarantee he  
_ ** **_won’t. But I’ll let him  
_ ** **_know_ ** ****

> **_Are you sure about  
> _ ** **_this_ ** ****
> 
> **_He’s_ ** ****
> 
> **_Not your biggest  
> _ ** **_fan_ ** ****

**_Believe me I know_ **

> **_You don’t have to  
> _ ** **_do it_ ** ****

**_I want to_ ** ****

**_Want to help you_ ** ****

**_I’m gonna call now  
_ ** **_so just give me a  
_ ** **_few to try and explain  
_ ** **_stuff_ ** ****

> **_Are you sure_ **

**_Yep_ **   
****

Connor exhaled slow, eyes closing. 

Breathed carefully. Trying to relieve his stress levels with techniques that had proven helpful in the past. 

“Jesus,” Gavin complained suddenly, the sound of his voice muted, “you always answer the phone like that?”

Connor froze.

The walls were thin. Thinner than he would like.

“Whatever— Hank— I’m— For fuck’s sake, I’m trying to fucking tell you something important here! It’s— Jesus _Christ_ , Hank— _I know where Connor is!”_

It went quiet. 

Perhaps Gavin had realised how loud he’d been. Perhaps Hank was speaking. 

“Well if you’d let me get a fucking word in edgeways maybe I could talk to you.” 

Went quiet again. The android sat up a little straighter, hands folding in his lap. Unable to stop the detective inside from listening in. 

“Look. I don’t know… how to explain this to you, without you being confused as fuck. So I’m just gonna tell you, and you’re not gonna ask questions because I don’t have answers right now… Connor is with me. He’s safe. You’ll see him tomorrow maybe—” Gavin cut off, and there was a short pause. 

“Hank, I told you I don’t have the answers right now. Can you just stop calling and texting him, because it’s making him feel worse.” Quiet again. “Look, he’s… having a really hard fucking time. It took everything for me to get him to come here. He’s just… I don’t know. I can’t really tell you right now. All I can say is he’s okay, and he’s gonna _be_ okay, but he needs some space. We can talk tomorrow, alright?” 

There was a long pause, whilst Hank presumably spoke. 

“I know you don’t, but I don’t think he understands it either. He’s hurting, Hank. He’s not trying to hurt you. This has been building up for a while. He can get past it, but you need to give him space— Look— No— Hank, I’m gonna go now, alright? He says he doesn’t want you to worry, and I know that’s easier said than done, but it’s all I’ve got for you right now. I’ve told you everything I can, please just give him some space and have a bit of patience— Hank, please. Please…” 

For a few moments, it was very quiet. Then Gavin’s voice went soft, to a level that Connor strained to hear. “Look, I’m… I’m telling the truth. I’m not trying to hurt him. Fucking far from it, alright? I know I’ve never given you any reason to trust me, Hank. But I’m not like I used to be. I was an asshole to you _and_ him, so many fucking times. I was… It was my own problem that I took out on everyone else. But this isn’t about me right now. Connor’s relying on me to talk to you because it’s too hard for him at the minute… He’s trying, Hank. I know he is… I’ll try and explain things better tomorrow. I know it’s really hard to hear this, but please try and leave him alone for now. Try not to worry. He’s safe, which is what matters most. ’N he’ll be okay.” Gavin’s voice dropped lower after a beat. “I’ve had a long fucking night, Hank. I know you probably have too… Let’s just pick this up tomorrow, for his sake. He needs to sleep. Needs it real fucking bad… Yeah. Mm. I know. Yeah, I’ll let you know. First thing. Yeah. Alright… Thanks, for uh… thanks.” 

The apartment lapsed into silence.

Safe to say Gavin didn’t know how thin his walls were. That, or he didn’t have a personal volume button. Either option seemed viable. 

Words flickered into his vision half a minute later. 

**_Went about as well  
_** **_as expected_ ** ****

> **_Was he mad?_ **

**_He wasn’t happy,  
_ ** **_but he wasn’t mad  
_ ** **_at you_ **

**_Just confused_ ** ********

> **_Hurt._ ** ****

**_Maybe a little. But  
_ ** **_only because he  
_ ** **_doesn’t understand  
_ ** **_right now_ ** ****

**_It’ll be okay_ ** ****

> **_Will it?_ ** ****

**_Yeah, I think it will  
_ ** **_be_ ** ****

> **_How can you be  
> _ ** **_sure?_ ** ****

**_Just a feeling_ **

> **_I don’t feel it._ ** ********

**_Not yet. But maybe  
_ ** **_eventually_ **

Connor didn’t know what else to say. He was completely drained. 

Kept thinking that he should leave. That he shouldn’t be here and that he was in the way. But he was too tired to leave now. He’d slumped into the sofa at some point. Wasn’t sure if he could get up again. Not yet. Not now. 

Kept having the same thought processes.  Kept having the same thought processes.

Looping.  Looping.

Kept having the same thought processes.  Kept having the same thought processes.  Kept having the same thought processes.

Repetitive. 

Repetetive.

Looping. Looping. Looping.

Took him a good while to realise he was experiencing a runtime error error. Tried to correct it. Tried to correct it. Tried to correct it correct it correct it. 

It took a while longer, but eventually it passed, and he was even more exhausted after. Thoughts slowing. 

Could androids be exhausted? 

He felt it.

He wondered if Gavin was awake still. He shouldn’t be. He needed to rest.

> **_Don’t stay up  
> _ ** **_because of me_ **

Connor texted. Hoped it didn’t wake the other, should he be asleep. Gavin deserved to rest. 

A message came back not long after.

**_You gonna sleep?_**

> **_I’ll try to_ ** ********

**_Ok_ ** ****

**_If you need  
_ ** **_anything you know  
_ ** **_where I am_ **

> **_Okay._ **   
>  ****

Connor pulled the comforter close. Fingers swirled over the soft fabric. Gentle. Slow. Repetitive.  Quiet.

He slept.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'Falling' by Harry Styles.


	5. O

Connor awoke to the scent of coffee and a backlog of messages. Some were unopened from Hank last night, two were automated from the precinct: the first stating he was late or had not checked in, the second arriving 26 minutes after, cancelling his shift. There was one from Gavin, sent under two hours ago. 

** _Tell me what you  
_ _need and I’ll do it_ **

That was it. Simple. Perhaps sent because he didn’t want Connor to panic when he awoke. Because Gavin couldn’t remain in his bedroom all of the time. And going by the door cracked open on the far side of the room, he was no longer in there. 

The thing was… Connor wasn’t panicking. 

In fact, it was the opposite. He’d never felt so calm before, in a place that he didn’t know. He felt as though perhaps he hadn’t woken up yet, mind still slow and fatigued. There had been a lot of missed updates he’d needed to catch up on, not to mention the emotional strain he’d been dealing with lately. 

> ** _Hi._ **

Connor heard Gavin’s phone vibrate and ding simultaneously in another room. The kitchen, he recalled. 

Faint footsteps, bare feet on tile. 

** _Hi_ **

The android exhaled. Slowly pushed himself up on the sofa, realising he was still fully dressed. Shoes and tie. Jacket. All creased beyond recognition. He hoped he hadn’t left any scuff marks from his shoes. Couldn’t see anything on a quick scan, luckily. 

> ** _I don’t really know  
> _ _what to say._ **

** _Same tbh.._ **

** _You feeling ok?_ **

> ** _Yes._ **

** _Yeah?_ **

Exhaling, Connor settled his feet onto the ground. Gathered the blanket up and set it aside. 

He took a moment to gather his thoughts. 

> ** _Stasis seems to  
> _ _have helped a lot._ **
> 
> ** _I feel calmer._ **
> 
> ** _More in control._ **

** _That’s good_ **

> ** _Are you okay?_ **

** _Yeah_ **

> **_Sure?_ **

**_I mean I’ve been  
_ _better. But I’ve been  
_ _worse too_ **

** _In the middle ig_ **

> ** _That seems fair._ **
> 
> ** _Did you cancel my  
> _ _shift?_ **

** _Hank did_ **

> ** _And yours?_ **

** _Swapped my shift  
_ _with Ben_ **

** _Today off_ **

> ** _I’m sorry._ **

** _You don’t need to  
_ _apologize. It was  
_ _my choice_ **

> ** _You wouldn’t have  
> _ _done it if it weren’t  
> _ _for me._ **

** _Maybe not, but  
_ _swapping a shift  
_ _isn’t a problem_ **

** _Doesn’t make a  
_ _difference to me if  
_ ** _**I take today off or**  
_ **_Tuesday_ **

> **_Are you sure?_ **

** _Yeah_ **

> ** _I’m sorry about  
> _ _last night. Truly._**

** _Don’t worry about  
_ _it_ **

> ** _I think_ **

Connor’s eyes stung, suddenly. Emotion surging from the realisation he was having. He exhaled a shaky breath, hands curling into fists in his lap. Took some slower breaths, trying to cling to the calm. It wasn’t until a few minutes that he finally managed to send a follow up message. 

> ** _I think I need to  
> _ _get some help._ **

Gavin’s phone buzzed on a surface. No longer making sounds for notifications. 

** _I think that’s pretty  
_ _fucking great Connor_ **

He didn’t know why it happened, or where it came from.

But a sudden, unexpected laugh trilled out of the android’s mouth. 

It was so surprising, it startled him into slapping a hand across his lips. 

** _Did you just laugh_ **

Another sound escaped, muffled by his fingers. 

** _Are you laughing  
_ _at me ffs_ **

> ** _No I’m_ **
> 
> ** _I don’t know_ **

** _Connor I can hear  
_ _you fucking  
_ _laughing hahaha_ **

The android snorted. An actual snort. It sounded horrible. Awful, actually. But the sound of stifled laughter in the kitchen had Connor laughing even more. 

He didn’t even know why he was doing it. 

> ** _Why am I_ **
> 
> ** _doing this I’m_ **
> 
> ** _I don’t understand_ **

Gavin was fully laughing then. And so was Connor. 

He didn’t think he’d ever laughed so hard before. Certainly not in a long time. 

Their laughter died down slowly. Little hiccups of the sound setting them both off again for a while longer, despite being separated by a wall. 

**_Fucking hell_ **

> ** _Yes_ **

** _That was funny af_ **

> ** _I don’t know why  
> _ _I was laughing_ **

** _You prob needed it_ **

** _Both did tbh_ **

> ** _I suppose so._ **

** _For real though_ **

** _What you said  
_ _before is some  
_ _important shit_ **

> **_I know._ **
> 
> **_Gavin?_ **

** _Yeah_ **

> ** _Did you mean what  
> _ _you said last night?_ **

** _Which part_ **

> ** _That you… ‘gave  
> _ _a shit’._ **
> 
> ** _About me._ **
> 
> ** _That you care._ **

** _Yeah_ **

> ** _I care about you  
> _ _too._ **
> 
> ** _You’re the only one  
> _ _who’s been there  
> _ _for me._ **
> 
> ** _Hank tries but_ **
> 
> ** _it’s different_ **
> 
> **_You understand me  
> _ _more somehow_ **
> 
> ** _Perhaps more than  
> _ _I understand myself._ **

** _Hank’s a different  
_ _generation_ **

**_Mental health was a  
_ _big thing whilst I was  
_ _growing up_ **

** _Wasn’t such a focus  
_ _for Hank’s gen_ **

** _You know he doesn’t  
_ _say that shit to hurt  
_ _you right_ **

> ** _I know. I really do._ **
> 
> **_Sometimes that  
> _ _makes it harder._ **

** _Yeah_ **

> ** _Thank you for being  
> _ _there for me._ **
> 
> **_Thank you._ **
> 
> ** _I don’t know where  
> _ _I would be if you  
> _ _didn_ **

Connor swallowed his emotion down, message cutting off. Unable to finish the sentence. He took some slow breaths.

> ** _Thank you._ **

** _Don’t mention it_ **

> ** _I don’t want to  
> _ _lean on you any  
> _ _more._ **

** _It’s ok to ask for  
_ _help_ **

> ** _I think I understand  
> _ _that now. More than  
> _ _I did…_ **
> 
> ** _But_ **
> 
> ** _It’s not okay to rely  
> _ _on you so heavily._ **
> 
> ** _I don’t want to let  
> _ _this get any further  
> _ _than it already has._ **

**_It’s ok_ **

> **_No. It’s not._ **
> 
> **_You don’t have to  
> _ _say that to try and  
> _ _make me feel better.  
> _ _I know it’s not okay  
> _ _and I’m going to try  
> _ _and fix this balance._ **
> 
> ** _I don’t want my  
> _ _health being the only  
> _ _reason we talk._ **
> 
> ** _I want to get to  
> _ _know you._ **

** _There’s not much  
_ _to know_ **

> ** _There’s everything to  
> _ _know._ **
> 
> ** _You’re an entire human  
> _ _being, with likes and  
> _ _dislikes. Quirks and pet  
> _ _hates._ **

** _Why tf do you  
_ _want to know that_ **

> ** _It’s interesting._ **

** _Why tf do you  
_ _want to know me_ **

> ** _I like you.  
> _ **
> 
> ** _Isn’t it customary for  
> _ _friends to get to know  
> _ _each other?_ **

** _Are we?_ **

> ** _?_ **

** _Friends_ **

> ** _I hope so._ **
> 
> ** _I hope I’ve not  
> _ _ruined our chances  
> _ _for it._ **

** _You haven’t_ **

> ** _Gavin?_ **

** _Yeah_ **

> ** _I don’t mind if  
> _ _you come in here._ **

It was quiet for a moment. Connor suddenly felt self conscious about the idea. It was so strange, for them to only communicate by messages, and now… 

What if Gavin expected him to talk out loud? 

What if he hated Connor after last night? To suddenly go from feeling so very bad, to (sort of) okay, would he feel lied to? 

The sofa dipped to his left.

What if he thought Connor had been looking for attention? 

What if he thought last night was fake, because Connor seemed to be doing just fine right now? It hadn’t been fake. He hadn’t been lying, he _hadn't_ been lying. 

“Can see you overthinkin’ shit.” 

Connor looked further away, biting his lip. Nodded after a moment. 

“I… shit, writing stuff down is so much easier.” The man muttered. Connor exhaled a sound of bitter amusement, nodding more firmly at that. “I don’t really know what to say to make you… feel better.” 

Connor finally made himself look. Gavin’s gaze was on the floor, but he looked up after a moment, eyes meeting for several seconds. Searching. 

> YOU DON’T HAVE
> 
> TO SAY ANYTHING. 
> 
> YOU ARE ENOUGH. 

Gavin’s brow creased as he read the projected words on Connor’s hand, seemingly finding them hard to process. 

“Alright.” 

They talked a little more, Connor via hand projections, Gavin from speaking out loud. It seemed to work well, considering. They even made a few jokes. And then more. 

And then Connor was laughing again, so much. Gavin was teasing him and it was so unfair in the best way.

“Ga— avv—”

The android froze, hand slapping over his mouth in horror. 

Oh God. 

Oh God oh no oh God oh God oh God

“Connor— It’s okay, it’s fine—”

He shook his head, cheeks fiery, eyes stinging. He turned away, curling into himself in the corner of the couch. 

Humiliation burned through him like hot acid.

Why had he done that, shit— Oh shit— 

This feeling was awful. 

His head felt so full of scorching aversion and dislike that he didn’t know what to do. Frozen completely by the mere act of speaking. 

How could something so trivial affect him so deeply?

Connor tried not to startle at the hand unexpectedly touching to his shoulder, just barely. He stilled, rigid under the contact. Didn’t breathe. Did nothing. The hand squeezed a little firmer after a few moments, hesitant, but… reassuring somehow. Connor felt himself yield slightly. Exhaling a slow breath. Inhaling one. Exhaling. 

“Almost forgot what you sounded like.” Gavin said quietly, a little later. “You have a nice voice… I, uh… I always liked it.” 

The statement stunned the android for a several seconds. It seemed utterly impossible. Like a cruel joke. Like a lie. Would Gavin lie to him? Lately, Connor wasn’t so sure. His intentions always seemed to be good. 

“Think I always liked you, too.” 

Connor swallowed. Didn’t move. Didn’t breathe.

> ** _What do you mean_ **

Gavin’s phone buzzed. 

“I mean I was an asshole to you, but…” 

> ** _But what_ **

“I don’t know.” Gavin said, quieter. As though he was backing down from something, hand slipping from the android’s shoulder to his forearm. “I just think you have a nice voice. Even when it skips like a broken record.” 

Connor exhaled. The sound exuded fatigue, even though he shouldn’t be tired after resting for so long. 

> ** _I don’t know how  
> _ _you can think that._ **

“Pretty easily, to be honest.” Gavin said. 

The android had no idea how the man could like him or his voice. Connor had nothing to offer him. In fact, he had only been a burden ever since they started talking. 

“Connor… You know I’m not expecting you to just magically talk and be fine with it, right?” 

Shrugged. 

“Shit is gonna be hard… ‘specially after so long.”

> **_Therapy_ **

“Yeah, that’ll help. You could get speech therapy too, if you wanted. When you’re ready to.” 

Connor nodded. After a few more quiet moments, he managed to sit up a little, feeling calmer, somehow. Gavin always seemed to bring this side out of him. Though perhaps the fact that he had entered stasis was also helping. 

> ** _Okay_ **
> 
> ** _I like your voice  
> _ _too._ **

The man let out an amused sound, “Thanks.” 

Sometimes Gavin expressed amusement at the things Connor said, and he didn’t know why. Or what he had done to deserve such positive feedback. Maybe Gavin did like him. Was that even possible? 

“I’m gonna get somethin’ to eat.” Gavin said, finally letting go of Connor’s arm. Pushing up to his feet. 

Connor had no idea why he did it, but he was reaching for the hand that was withdrawing, suddenly panicked that he was going to be alone again. It was a stupid instant thought, but it had prompted the android to grab the closest part he could find, which turned out to be three of Gavin’s fingers. They were thick and warm and somehow so very comforting against his own. 

He didn’t actually realise the implication of what he’d done, until Gavin curled his hand closer a few seconds later. 

Connor should have let go immediately. Should have apologised for doing something like that. But he just… didn’t. Gaze not really focused on the other, but not exactly looking away either. Uncertain if this was okay. If he should be doing this. 

“Alright?” The man asked asked after a beat. 

“M—Mhm.” Connor hummed, feeling his heart twist at the sound he made. 

It was quiet. 

Not awkward like Connor had imagined it could be. 

“You uh, never told me if you could drink coffee or not.” The detective said after a beat. Connor didn’t know if it was out of habit or not, but the man’s thumb brushed against his synthetic skin, just barely. It made Connor feel warm inside in a way he hadn’t experienced before. 

Shook his head.

“But you can drink?” 

Connor gave a small shrug. He could have explained further, but he didn’t want to move any other part of his body in case it made the other pull away. 

“You don’t know if you can drink?” 

Shrugged again. He did know, and he could drink small amounts. But he could explain that later. It wasn’t important now. 

“Shit, I’m definitely making you coffee. C’mon, I’ll show you.” 

*****

They hadn’t held hands for much longer than that. But after, Connor had stood closer to him than usual, and Gavin hadn’t pulled away. The android had even managed a little more eye contact and two hesitant hums of agreement. The rest of the time he just nodded or shook his head, or spoke through text and holographic image. And Gavin hadn’t pushed for anything more. 

That morning was nice. 

Really… very nice. 

Connor hadn’t felt so calm in a long time. So at ease. He felt almost like himself again. As much as he could be. 

Gavin had been so good. 

Gavin? 

Of all people? 

How could Gavin be so good, and so kind, and so warm? 

Connor hadn’t wanted to leave, but he knew he had to. He also knew he had to talk to Hank, to try and explain himself for last night. And for his behaviour in general. Gavin suggested writing a letter. That way Connor could get down everything he was thinking and feeling, without Hank trying to interrupt or tell the android his own opinions on things. It was a good idea. It meant Connor could control what information he told Hank, and give it to him in a way that protected himself from any unwanted expression. He could tell Hank in his own words that he was going to seek external help, and that whilst Connor appreciated how much the lieutenant cared for him, that he needed to do this for himself, and no one else. That Hank needed to give him space, and not push for answers, or ask questions that demanded responses. That Connor just wanted to talk about anything but his mental health, because when all his conversations consisted of that, or work, it was too hard to focus on anything else, and too hard to even try and enjoy things because he was constantly worried these hard topics were going to come up.

It ended up being four pages long, after editing it down in Gavin's living room for two hours. The original had been a lot longer, and darker. Sharing some of that information was too much, so he’d duplicated the original and saved it in his files to perhaps be revisited at a later time. Edited the duplicate to a more manageable level, for himself and for Hank. Opening up was hard enough, but opening up that much…? He wasn’t ready to be so vulnerable. But he was ready to try some smaller steps.

Connor left Gavin’s apartment at 03PM. 

They shared an unusual sort of farewell, because it seemed like Gavin had wanted to say something important, but he never did. And Connor had wanted to hold his hand again, but hadn’t either. Both holding back. 

Gavin ended up touching the android’s forearm awkwardly, and then Connor had belatedly touched that same spot even though there was no hand on him any more. 

It was good that Connor’s poor eye contact could be blamed on other reasons in that moment. 

He hoped his warm cheeks weren’t noticeable. 

In the autonomous taxi he sent Gavin a text.

> **_Thank you for all  
> _ _of your help._ **
> 
> ** _I’m sorry if I  
> _ _caused you any  
> _ _stress or upset._ **

** _You’re fine Con  
_ _don’t worry_ **

Something fluttered in his chest at the nickname that seemed to flow so effortlessly out of the other. Others had called him that in the past, but coming from Gavin felt so much different. Closer. Almost intimate, in a way. If that made sense. 

> ** _If you ever need  
> _ _someone to talk to,  
> _ _you have me._ **

**_Thanks_ **

> ** _Anytime. Anywhere._ **

** _Thanks Connor_ **

> ** _I’ll see you  
> _ _tomorrow._ **

** _Yeah_ **

**_Good luck_ **

> ** _Thank you. Enjoy the  
> _ _rest of your day._ **

** _You too_ **

Talking to Gavin was so… strange. Like some sort of cure for his worries. Which seemed impossible. But so far, whenever Connor had spoken with him, be it in person or via message, he felt better. Calmer, happier. Less alone. He wondered if that was the same for Gavin too, or if it was just a one sided thing. Connor hoped for the former. 

Sumo was happy to see Connor when he returned home. Connor was happy to see Sumo too. Felt like he hadn’t really spent all that much time with him recently, which he wanted to rectify. But first, the android connected to Hank’s computer in the living room and printed off a copy of his letter (after one more final read through to make sure it was perfect). Stapled the pages together, and laid it carefully on the arm of the couch. Then decided he wanted to put it on the coffee table, but it was junked up with takeout boxes… Hank had been eating badly again because Connor hadn’t been here… shit. 

Connor’s burst of positivity began to wane as he looked around the rest of the place. 

The dirty dishes piled high in the kitchen. Empty bottles of liquor. More than usual.

The only saving grace was that the picture of Cole hadn’t made its way out of the dresser drawer. That only happened when Hank was doing very badly. But he wasn’t doing great right now, and Connor decided that it was because of him. Because how could it not be? Connor was hurting Hank. 

God. 

Shit. 

Shit shit shit. 

No— stop. Stop. Stop. It’s not helping. It’s not helping. Just wait until he’s read the letter, and things will make sense. Things will make sense things will be better things will make sense. 

Connor shut his eyes for a long moment, breathing in through his nose, then out through his mouth. Calming himself. Did that a few times, because it seemed to help. 

He ended up collecting all of the empty containers and bottles from the kitchen and lounge area in two black bags, and dumping them in the trash outside. Wiped down the coffee table. Straightened up the couch. He picked up his letter, reading through it again. Trying to remind himself of what he was trying to achieve here by doing this. To convince himself this was a good idea. The way forward, and out of this mindset.

Connor put the letter on the coffee table. Repositioned it twice. That was better. 

Got changed out of his crumpled work shirt and jeans into an outfit Hank might designate as ‘comfortable’, but Connor hadn’t quite figured out what that meant yet. Maybe he would eventually. Or maybe it was just a human thing that androids would never understand. 

Two minutes before Hank usually arrived home, he took Sumo out for a walk. He hoped the slightly more welcoming atmosphere in the living room would help to soften the blow of the letter. Had left a yellow post-it note stuck on the table next to it, reading ‘TAKING SUMO FOR A WALK. SEE YOU SOON’ in perfect CyberLife Sans. (Connor would deny it if asked, but he waited outside until he saw Hank’s Crown Vic coming down the road before ‘officially’ leaving for the walk, not wanting to return home to find him still reading the letter.) 

Calculating how long it might take Hank to read that, and giving him time to process it, Connor didn’t return home with Sumo for an hour. The calculations had actually denoted a mere 15-25 minute period was optimal, but Connor was scared. So he pushed it for as long as he could. Sumo was happy for the fresh air and exercise, however. 

He was only two minutes away from the house when a text arrived. 

** _Hey Connor. Got your  
_ _letter. Things are making  
_ _more sense now and I  
_ _want you to know that  
_ _I’m here for you.  
_ _You’re gonna get  
_ _through this just tell  
_ _me what I can do to  
_ _help and I’ll do it. I’m  
_ _sorry if I made things  
_ _worse for you I’m not  
_ _great at this stuff but I  
_ _guess u already know  
_ _that… just want to help  
_ _you.  
_ _Whenever you’re ready  
_ _to talk to me just say &  
_ _for now we can just  
_ _talk about the easy  
_ _stuff & if I start fucking  
_ _that up just give me a  
_ _nod and I’ll try to stop.  
_ _I’m gonna need a bit  
_ _of time to process this  
too so we don’t have  
_ _to talk about it today  
_ _unless u want to.  
I’m not good at words  
_ _like you are so sorry if  
_ _this message isn’t  
_ _great…  
_ _Let me know how you  
_ _want to take things  
_ _from now on & I’ll try  
_ _and help as much as  
_ _I can. Care about you  
_ _a lot kid don’t forget  
_ _it_ **

Connor cried at the message. Not a lot. Enough to warrant he wait a little longer before returning home, scrubbing at wet cheeks with the back of his hand. 

Hank was trying so hard. 

Hank was so good. 

> ** _Thank you, Hank.  
> _ _This means so much  
> _ _to me. I don’t want to  
> _ _talk about it today if  
> _ _that’s okay. I think I  
> _ _want to set up some  
> _ _therapy first, before we  
> _ _talk about it in person.  
> _ _If you do have any  
> _ _questions about it,  
> _ _please could you just  
> _ _message or email with  
> _ _them, as it will help me  
> _ _a lot.  
> _ _Replying in person  
> _ _makes me feel a lot of  
> _ _pressure, and I know  
> _ _most of that pressure  
> _ _comes from me  
> _ _imagining it, but I can’t  
> _ _switch that off so easily,  
> _ _unfortunately.  
> _ _So if we could stick to  
> _ _written communication  
> _ _regarding this topic I  
> _ _would very much  
> _ _appreciate that.  
> _ _Thank you for being so  
> _ _understanding, Hank.  
> _ _I care about you too.  
> _ _Very much.  
> _ _I’ll be home shortly  
> _ _with Sumo. He has  
> _ _enjoyed his walk and  
> _ _is ready for his  
> _ _evening meal.  
> _ _Connor._ **

Ten minutes later he entered 115 Michigan Drive, eyes down, fiddling with Sumo’s leash and collar for longer than he really needed to. Then taking extra time to take off his jacket and shoes. 

It took a lot of effort to make himself look over at the couch. 

Hank wasn’t even there.

Connor exhaled, feeling an odd flutter of relief.  Realised he could hear the shower on in the bathroom. 

The letter was no longer on the coffee table. 

Something was defrosting in the microwave. 

The TV was on quietly. 

Sumo was panting, looking up at Connor expectantly. 

Sounds of home.

Hank emerged some time later, silver hair damp, and dressed in short sweats and an old t-shirt. Sumo had been fed by this point, let outside/inside, and Connor had put Hank’s defrosted meal into the oven and settled in front of the TV. 

Footsteps. Socks padding on wood. 

Connor could feel the man’s presence behind the couch, hands coming to rest on the back cushions. 

“Sumo enjoy his walk?” Hank asked.

Connor closed his eyes briefly. Steeling himself. Managed a meagre, “Mhm.” 

“That’s good.”

It was quiet, a moment. 

Then a hand patted his shoulder. Squeezed it gently. 

And left. 

Could hear him walking to the kitchen. 

“Think he needed it. Big dog like that gets cooped up sometimes. Long walk’ll do him good.” 

Connor nodded, even though he wasn’t sure if the man was looking over or not. 

“Oh, shit. Thanks, didn’t realise you’d put the food in.” 

Should he look over? He couldn’t just nod because he’d already done that and Hank might think he was strange. Should he make eye contact to signify he’d heard? Or would Hank just assume he was listening since he’d responded already? Or would it be rude to not respond—

“You mind if I watch the game?” 

Hank was stood closer now. Only a few paces away.

Connor realised he was hunched up in the corner of the couch, staring at his lap. Couldn’t seem to make himself look up. Shook his head. There was no follow up question, so Hank must have seen. 

Why was he doing this.

How had he become like this? 

How had it come to this… 

Hank joined him a little later with his meal on a tray. The TV flipped over to the game. Connor still hadn’t looked up, but he could hear the telltale sounds of crowds cheering, and sneakers squeaking on a court. 

“Don’t feel like you gotta sit here for my sake, kid. If you wanna go in your room, that’s okay. I don’t mind.” 

Connor felt some of the tension in his shoulders lessen at the words.

Maybe Hank really had understood the letter. 

Maybe things were going to be okay. 

> MAYBE IN A 
> 
> MINUTE. 
> 
> THANK YOU. 

“No problem, kid. You do you.” 

*****

Ten minutes later, Connor decided he’d made somewhat of a good effort to spend time with Hank. Even if they hadn’t really spoken a word to each other. But Connor was ready to be alone again for now. Left the room with a quick ‘GOODNIGHT, HANK’ even though it was only 07:42PM.

Being in his room felt safer. Because no one had any expectations of him when he was in there. No one else was looking at him and thinking things about him. He could control people’s reactions from here, since he didn’t give them the chance to see him in the first place. Ergo, no one thought bad things about him. 

It was safe. 

> **_I gave Hank the  
> _ _letter._ **

He messaged Gavin. 

Even though Connor was alone by choice, he didn't want to be… completely alone. But he didn’t want to go out and sit with Hank, as that was too much.  It was contradictory, he knew. It wasn't logical… All Connor did know, was that he wanted to tell Gavin these things. Wanted to hear his voice, even if it was merely one text in response. Because somehow, despite everything, Gavin didn't think bad things about Connor. 

Gavin was safe.

Twenty minutes later there was a response.

** _How was it?_ **

> ** _He was good._ **
> 
> ** _Understanding._ **
> 
> ** _I feel better for  
> _ _opening up. I hope  
> _ _he does too._ **
> 
> ** _But… it’s also very  
> _ _hard._ **

** _How so_ **

> ** _Now he knows  
> _ _these things about  
> _ _me._ **

** _You put yourself out  
_ _there. Always some  
_ _scary shit when you  
_ _do that_ **

** _Was pretty fucking  
_ _brave if you ask me_ **

Connor felt a flutter of warmth. He wanted to hide his face, even though he was alone in the room.

> **_Do you think so?_ **

** _For sure_ **

** _You faced your fear  
_ _head on and kicked  
_ _its ass_ **

> ** _Fear isn’t corporeal.  
> _ _Physically, that doesn’t  
> _ _seem possible._ **

** _Physically, you’re a  
_ _dumbass_ **

> ** _That doesn’t make  
> _ _sense._ **

** _You don’t make sense_ **

> ** _Are you teasing me?_ **

** _Yup_ **

Connor smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Little bit of a gentler chapter for you all after the last one. More to come soon.
> 
> 'O' by Coldplay.


	6. Two Ghosts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next few chapters are a little shorter.  
> If you haven't already, please heed the triggers in the tags.
> 
> Sorry for the slight upload delay, I edited in the wrong headspace and it completely changed the tone of the chapter. Had to make myself leave and come back to put it back to how it was.

It was going to be a month until Connor could get a therapy appointment. 

Hank had quietly suggested that he apply for it via Captain Fowler, since his original injury had been sustained on the job, and he could likely claim the sessions through work. It was a good and bad thing. Good, in that it saved an expense, and he could have the sessions with whomever he decided would suit him. Bad, in that Fowler now knew Connor was not doing great, and it was most definitely affecting the cases he and Hank were being given. Their field work nearly halved in the two weeks following. 

That had done nothing for Connor’s self esteem. 

In fact, everything felt so much worse now. 

At the start, Hank was being extra careful about what topics he was bringing up. Overtly casual. Which didn't seem so bad at first, because at least they weren't talking about the things he didn't want to discuss; but after a short time it got to be too much. Truthfully, to the point where Connor couldn’t stand it. It felt as though Hank thought he was some sort of breakable, fragile china. One little knock would shatter him into a million tiny pieces.

It was… a lot to process.  Especially on so little sleep. 

The lieutenant had listened to his letter and _seemed_ to understand it, but… somehow this whole thing still wasn't working. And now? Only two weeks after the letter, he was already questioning Connor again; offering ideas up on what he could do to feel better, asking him if he’d slept, if he was going to stay late at work again, asking him how he was doing. It was almost like Hank had given Connor what he deemed was a 'reasonable amount' of space and time, only to start slowly slipping back into these old routines, because he'd 'allowed' Connor that time to get over whatever it was that was wrong with him. That might not have been the real truth of the situation, but was exactly how it felt. And Connor was trying so hard to not feel angry about it. To not feel resentful towards the man, because he knew in his heart that Hank just wanted to help. He knew all of these questions were coming from a good place, which made him feel even worse for feeling this way about someone so clearly trying to help him.  But it just. Wasn’t. Helpful. 

The only thing keeping Connor sane was texting with Gavin. 

He tried not to do it too often, but… it just helped. 

They weren’t talking about Connor’s feelings and health, they were just talking about anything and everything. Nice, general things. Occasionally they might talk about Connor, but he would try to change the topic when it was possible. Other times if he really wanted to talk, he did. 

God. 

He was bringing Gavin down now too, he must be. 

Ruining everything. 

** _You’ve been quiet_ **

Gavin texted, after Connor had purposely not made any sort of contact with him in 2 days. He didn’t respond. It prompted a second message, a little later.

** _Wanna get a  
_ _coffee after work?_ **

Yes.

But Connor hesitated. Because he shouldn’t want that.

He shouldn’t want to drag Gavin down with him. 

But he also really wanted some company. And Gavin didn’t always bring up bad things.  Sometimes it felt safer to spend time with him than with Hank at the moment. 

God.  Connor _really_ wanted to see Gavin.  But was he even allowed? Should he be allowed to? 

They hadn’t gone to the cafe since the other week. 

Connor missed Gavin. Which made no sense, since he could literally look across the room and see him if he wanted to. Connor didn’t seem like he was making much sense lately. Maybe he should be entering stasis more. Making it a regular thing. 

He shouldn’t go.

He wanted to.

He shouldn’t.

Shouldn’t. 

Shouldn’t want a lot of things.

Fuck it.

> ** _Ok_ **

*****

They walked to the cafe together in relative silence. Normally Connor would want to be alone a little first, following a busy day of work. But work hadn’t exactly been busy. Not with the cases he was being given. And he was almost desperate to see Gavin by this point. Which didn’t seem like it was a good thing, to want that so much. But he liked Gavin. Liked spending time with him. The man was nicer than Connor had ever thought he could be. He liked cats. Music. Indie films that no one had ever heard of, and foreign films he had to watch with subtitles; he’d promised to make Connor a list of things to watch at some point. Gavin liked expensive coffee and cheap fast food. Nice clothes, and $30 shoes. He liked going out once or twice a month to nightclubs with Tina and his other non-work friends. He liked quiet nights in alone, or with a companion. He took his coffee black, and sometimes with a syrup shot if he fancied it. But he took the coffee at the precinct with three sugars, because it tasted ‘that bad’. He doodled leafless trees and hurricanes when he spoke on the phone, and rubbed at the scar on his nose when he felt embarrassed or unsettled about something. Put his hands on his hips when he was perplexed. Chewed his fingernails. Wore pleasant cologne, even when he was at work. He had nice eyes. 

There were so many more things to like about Gavin. It made Connor wonder why Gavin spent time with him, because there weren’t many things to like about Connor. There weren’t many things Connor liked about himself. So why would Gavin? 

Oh.

The cafe was busy. 

It was… 

Too busy. _Far_ too busy.

Gavin was about to cross the road towards it until Connor’s hand shot out and latched onto his arm, holding the man back.

“Okay?” Gavin frowned. It took him a moment to look between the cafe and Connor until something clicked. “Too many people?”

Connor bit his lip, feeling a curl of embarrassment. Fingers tightening around Gavin’s arm, just a little. 

“That’s cool, don’t worry. Uh… my place?”

That would be safer. Quieter. 

Less pressure.

He let go after a moment, realising he’d been holding onto Gavin for far too long. Showed his other hand.

> ARE YOU 
> 
> SURE?

“Yeah?” Gavin seemed almost confused by the question. “Coffee’s free at mine anyway.” 

> TECHNICALLY 
> 
> YOU ALREADY
> 
> PAID FOR IT

“And technically, you’re a dipshit. C’mon. S’only ten minutes walk.” 

Connor hesitated.  He was already being in the way. Already causing Gavin more problems than he was worth. 

A hand tugging his wrist had the android stumbling a step forward. 

“Come the fuck on, dipshit. Don’t you wanna try more of my famous coffee?” 

Gavin’s fingers were still wrapped around Connor’s wrist.  Showed the palm of his other hand.

> ARE YOU
> 
> SURE

He asked again.

Gavin read it, grin slipping slightly. 

“I am, yeah.” 

> I DON’T 
> 
> WANT TO BE
> 
> IN THE WAY

“You’re not in the way.” 

Connor couldn’t hold Gavin’s gaze. He looked to the side, feeling that familiar burn in his eyes. Tightness in his chest.

Gavin’s hand was in Connor’s, then. 

Squeezing lightly. 

His hand.  In Connor’s. 

“I like bein' around you, Con.” 

The nickname again. That tiny flicker of warmth inside. 

“You like bein’ around me?” 

Connor nodded. Fingers tightened around Gavin’s. 

“Wanna hang out tonight?”

Connor tried to swallow the emotion in his throat. 

Nodded. The movement felt jerky and unnatural.  Likely somewhere down the road of uncanny valley.

“Cool… You uh, happy to go back to mine? Or you wanna do something different?”

Finally, Connor managed to get himself to look at the other man. Could feel his L.E.D. flashing yellow. Gavin’s eyes searched his face. Connor’s searched back. 

Gavin had definitely looked at Connor’s mouth more than once. 

He wondered if that meant something. It felt like it did. And his own gaze had wandered to the same part of Gavin’s face as well, without meaning to. 

It probably meant nothing.

Gavin might not mind being in Connor’s company. He might not mind the sound of Connor's glitching voice. But that was it. Connor had nothing else to offer. He didn’t have the right social protocols for conversations and relationships outside of the workplace. People didn’t _like_ Connor for Connor. 

> WHAT DO YOU
> 
> WANT TO DO?

Gavin’s lip curled a little at that. 

“M'happy to do anything. If you got a preference, we can do that.”

It took a lot for him to say yes. It took so much for Connor to let himself have this. But Gavin somehow, for _some_ reason, seemed intent on spending the evening with him. And Connor didn't  want to let anyone else down today. 

> THE WEATHER IS NICE.
> 
> PERHAPS WE COULD 
> 
> WALK, IF YOU’RE
> 
> NOT TOO TIRED.

“Pfft. Tired? I’ve had seven coffees today.”

Connor’s brows rose at that. 

“What? That’s normal.”

> YOU WERE GOING
> 
> TO GET ANOTHER
> 
> ONE JUST NOW…

“I… yeah, maybe that was a bad idea.” Gavin chuckled, tugging Connor into a slow walk down the street. 

His right hand was still in Connor’s left. 

Neither of them had let go. 

It didn’t mean anything. 

“Anywhere you wanna go ‘specially?” 

Connor slowed. Then rounded on the other, tugging him in a semi-circle and heading back the opposite way.

“Guess that’s a yes.” Gavin chuckled.

Connor’s lip curled. 

They were walking together. Holding hands. 

Neither of them let go until Connor suggested Gavin got something to eat. He ate whilst they walked; Thai takeout that he spilled down his grey t-shirt because he was trying to tell a story about a case he was working and got a little too enthusiastic when explaining the potential for a huge drugs bust.

It was endearing. 

Gavin loved to tell a story, that much was apparent. He’d noticed it when they’d originally met in November 2038, when he’d approached him talking to Officer Chen in the break room. He could picture it now, forearms leaning against the table, legs wide, teeth flashing in a grin as he spoke eagerly to Tina. 

An elbow nudged his side. Eyes met. 

“Why here?” Gavin asked. 

Connor looked around, realising eventually that they’d reached Riverside Park. 

> I’M NOT SURE.
> 
> HANK SHOWED 
> 
> ME IT ONCE.
> 
> BEFORE. 

“Before?”

> BEFORE I 
> 
> BECAME A
> 
> DEVIANT. 

“This where you realised you were one?”

> IN A WAY. 
> 
> I ALREADY HAD DOUBTS,
> 
> BUT I WAS TRYING TO
> 
> ACT LIKE IT WASN’T 
> 
> HAPPENING. 

“Yeah.” 

They came to a stop by the railings overlooking the Detroit River and Ambassador Bridge. It was the start of July, one of Detroit’s warmest seasons, though the later hour and cloudy sky added a welcome cool breeze to the poorly lit park.

Gavin stuck his hands in his pockets, looking out across the river. At the twinkling buildings opposite.

“Nice view.” 

Connor nodded, glancing at the man’s profile for a few seconds. Then back at the dark water. 

“Why’d Hank bring you to a park?” Gavin asked after a short while.

> HANK USED TO
> 
> COME HERE 
> 
> WITH HIS SON. 

“... Ah.” 

Connor shut his eyes for a moment, exhaling quietly. Looked away.

> I DON’T KNOW WHY I
> 
> BROUGHT YOU HERE.
> 
> I DON’T HAVE GOOD
> 
> MEMORIES OF THIS
> 
> PLACE. I’M SORRY. 

It was quiet for a long moment. Long enough that Connor finally made himself look over at the other. Gavin was watching him again. Looking at his eyes. His mouth. Eyes again. 

“Don’t really mind where I am if you’re here too.” 

Connor’s brow creased. 

No.

That made no sense. 

No sense. 

It made no sense. 

Could feel his L.E.D. spinning yellow. 

He felt a sudden hot flash of frustration for himself and his inability to talk in that moment, wanting nothing more to demand an explanation. To understand what the _hell_ Gavin was trying to say because it _didn’t_ _make_ _sense_. 

Instead, the whole moment was ruined because Gavin had to break eye contact to read the holographic words on the android’s palm. 

> I DON’T 
> 
> APPRECIATE 
> 
> YOU MAKING
> 
> FUN OF ME. 

Gavin’s mouth twisted. He looked up at Connor with this… this _disbelieving_ expression. Like Connor was the one being stupid here, and not him.

“You think I’m making fun of you?” 

A thick lump of emotion rose in Connor’s throat. Eyes stinging, suddenly. He shoved the feeling away, shrugging angrily, arms spread wide in a way that silently shouted ‘ _Well I don’t fucking know, do I?’_

“I’m not _fucking_ —” Gavin let out a frustrated breath, “fuck, I’m… Sorry, Connor. I… I shouldn’t have said…” He trailed off, rubbing a hand over his mouth. 

Connor had ruined it all. Again. Again. Again. Again. Again.

“I wasn’t making fun of you. I promise. I really wasn’t.” 

Of course he wasn’t. Gavin wouldn’t do that any more. Gavin was kind. Gavin was nice. This was Connor’s fault. Gavin hadn’t done anything wrong. 

“Con, I really… shit. I really…”

> IT’S FINE.
> 
> I OVERREACTED. 
> 
> NOT YOUR FAULT. 

“It’s not your fault either. Just… shitty timing.” 

Connor didn’t know what that meant, but Gavin seemed assured, so he let it go. Took all of the blame on himself. Took that hot, spiking frustration and upset, and pushed it down into himself. Because he deserved that. 

> I THINK I 
> 
> WANT TO 
> 
> GO NOW.

He couldn’t meet the other’s eye as he projected the words onto his hand. He briefly wondered if it would just be simpler to download an ASL program. Their arguments would make more sense if they were both communicating the same way, assuming the other knew it too. 

“… Alright.” 

They didn’t speak much more until they reached the roadside. Cybernetically, Connor hailed the nearest taxi. Gestured for Gavin to take the one pulling up. 

“Connor?” The detective said, hand on the door frame. Hesitating before getting in.

He nodded, gaze on the ground. 

“M’sorry. About before. I… I hope I didn’t fuck this all up.” 

Connor didn’t think he had it in him for a response. Felt ready to burst into tears. He knew if they made any sort of eye contact that he would do just that. 

Gavin exhaled a quick, dejected sound. Turned towards the taxi. 

Shit. Connor, don't. 

Don't lose this, _don't_ — 

He caught the man’s hand in his own. Gaze fixed on the ground, jaw set, eyes burning. Squeezed after a moment. 

A couple of seconds passed. Then Gavin returned the pressure. Held it firm. Connor could feel his gaze, but couldn’t meet it. Hoped the touch was enough. 

They departed wordlessly. 

It was 11:07PM. They had spent over five hours together. Essentially the longest time they had been together in a non-working capacity. He wasn’t counting the night spent at the man’s house, since they technically weren’t in each other’s company until midday, and he left three hours after. 

Connor didn’t return home until 02:40AM. Had sent a text to Hank to assure him he was fine, and spent the hours following aimlessly trudging around the city, trying not to think bad things. Trying to stop thinking about how, if he didn’t have this stupid impediment, none of this might have happened.

He didn’t sleep that night. 

Hadn’t slept for 10 days, now. 

It would be another 15 until he had his therapy appointment. 

Be fine. 

That’ll be fine. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'Two Ghosts' by Harry Styles.
> 
> (FYI if you're wondering why Connor swears a little more (internally), please remember that he lives with Hank FUCKINGPASSWORD Anderson and has done for several months. This has been a PSA xoxo)


	7. The Mess We Make

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please pay attention to the triggers in the tags.

He and Gavin didn’t really talk the following day. They shared a few furtive glances, but neither of them sent a message. 

The day after, Gavin was off, and Hank and Connor had been given a surprisingly interesting case, finally. It took them to a few different locations over the city, and Connor felt somewhat useful for the first time in a while. 

The case kept him busy for the next week and a half. Kept Hank off his back, and his worsening thoughts away. Now his late nights at the precinct were for an actual reason. 

Connor had a purpose again. 

And then that purpose was snuffed out like a candle. 

“The trail is cold. You’ve got no new leads. Pass the case over to homicide and move on to something you can actually do.” ****

It was very quiet for several moments, whilst Captain Fowler’s words sank in.

** ___________________ **  
** STRESS LEVEL  ** 74%

This wasn’t happening. 

This couldn’t be happening?

“You can’t be serious.” Hank demanded suddenly, incredulous. “We’ve got a fucking suspect in custody?”

“With no physical evidence against her.”

“Yet!” 

“You only just managed to get her here for jaywalking, Hank. Which is frankly fucking bullshit. There’s absolutely nothing to tie her to the case. You’re grasping at straws.”

“She’s the fucking murderer, Jeff. We know she is! She’s all but admitted it!”

“But she hasn’t _admitted_ it. And the lawyer is here now, so she’s gonna be out within the hour unless you _magically_ come up with some evidence before then. This is _over_.”

“Then we’ll bluff her.”

“No, you won’t. Because if she _is_ the culprit, then she’s smarter than you think. Fact is, you fucked up the interrogation, Hank. I saw it. She saw it. Hell, I think we all fucking saw it. She wanted to talk to Connor, and you wouldn’t let her.”

“Because Connor doesn’t fucking talk!” 

** _____________  
** **SDP ** #3010 **  
****SAFEGUARD**

Things started to feel… very far away. 

Distant. 

With no real explanation as to why Connor felt like that. 

It was like he was watching the entire exchange from… inside himself, somehow. If such a thing were possible.

“I _know_ that, Hank! But you could have let him fucking try!” Fowler snarled. 

The words echoed noxiously in his audio processors. 

“Connor doesn’t do interrogations, I made that fucking clear to you from the start.”

“You didn’t read the room right, Hank. She _wanted_ to talk to him. She wanted it that badly, that she didn’t say a fucking word to you the entire time. If she found out Connor was fucking mute, she probably wouldn’t have cared anyway! She might have even found it interesting! We could have gotten more out of her! Now it’s too fucking late.”  ****

Neither of them were even looking at Connor. 

Talking about him like he wasn’t there. 

He couldn’t believe this was happening. That his problem had ruined another case. That it was all his fault. 

Connor had ruined another case. 

Another one.

_Another one._

** ______________________  
** **STRESS LEVEL ** ** ⚠ **91%

They were shouting so loudly at one another, likely the entire precinct could hear. Connor slipped out of the office without any notice. 

When had he consciously made that decision? To leave? 

It was like he had no control over his body. 

Over anything.

He was walking to the right. Through the gap between Hank and Detective Collins’ desks. Vision started to blur, in and out of focus, shoulder catching on the divider at the edge of bullpen. 

Connor fumbled his way through the double doors. They squeaked a distressing pitch, distressing pitch,, flinching flinching when he entered the next door into the dark stairwell.

Almost stumbled down the stairs. 

He had no idea what he was doing or how to stop. 

He didn’t understand. 

He didn’t _understand_. 

Could hear himself start to hyperventilate. Feel his artificial lungs expanding and contracting. . expanding and contracting. Out of his control. 

Out of control.

Amongst the warnings, more words flickered into his vision.

** _Are you ok?_ **

Gavin?

Gavin.

Legs stopped cooperating. 

Shoulder dragging along a wall. 

His fingers were blindly searching for the handle of a door in front, hooking around and staggering inside. 

Door shut. 

Back sliding down a wall. 

Why did Connor feel so… far away? 

Like he wasn’t looking through his own eyes? 

Like he was looking from… from further inside… from further inside. 

Things felt muted. Sounds. Textures. 

He was sat sprawled against a wall… but Connor had never consciously done that. It was just happening. It was just happening.

** _Why did you  
_ _go downstairs?_ **

> ** _I’m I’m I’m I’m  
> _ _I’m I’m I’m_ **
> 
> ** _I’m I’m I’m no_ **

What was that? 

Why was he… 

> ** _I’m I’m I can t_ **

** _Hold on_ **

> **_What’s What’s  
> _ _What’s happen_ **
> 
> ** _I can’t Can’t I can’t_ **

He wasn’t doing any of this. He wasn’t doing _any_ of this. It was all out of control. His body was out of his control. Could feel himself hyperventilating. Slumping further down the wall. Head hanging limp. Couldn’t stop it. Couldn’t stop it. Could only watch as he spiralled further and further into panic. Vision flickering static and warnings he could no longer understand. 

Couldn’t move. 

Couldn’t move. 

Couldn’t _move_.

Why couldn’t he move? 

What was happening? What was happening What was happeningWhatwas happeningWhatwashappening What was

Door

Banging

Words

words

w o r d s

Hands holding him up

Touching his shoulder 

his cheek

m

more words

more words more words

words 

making No sense 

¿not English ?

Why

Why was

Why was 

Why was

Increased breathing eErrror?¿

it made

no sens e

Query?

¿ʎ ɹ ǝ n Ò

It made 

no sǝnse 

No sense

no sensǝ

ǝsuǝs ou

System was ¿ ɓuıʞɔıuɐd

ɓuı ʞ ɔı uɐd

S A F E G U A R D D D D D #

s s ǝ l ɓuıʞɔıuɐd 

ʍ ou  ssǝl ɓ uıʞ ɔıuɐ d

ʍo u ss ǝl ɓuıʞɔıuɐd ʎpoq

ʍou ssǝl ɓuıʞɔıuɐd ʎpoq

ssǝl ɓuıʞɔıuɐd

ssǝl

ssǝl

h e w a s

ɓ u ı ɥ ɔ ʇ ɐ ʍ

ɓuıɥɔʇɐʍ froʍ afar

remlɐɔ

r e mlɐɔ

cɐlmǝr

calm

ʇoo

too mlɐɔ  
too mlɐɔ  
too mlɐɔ

too calm

staring 

ʇɐ

ɓuıɥʇou

nothing

𝓃𝑜𝓉𝒽𝒾𝓃𝑔

𝕟𝕠𝕥𝕙𝕚𝕟𝕘  
n̴̤̞̜͔̲͇̫͙̂o̶̧̝̰͕̘̣͕̊̍̅̂̂̾̾̿̋̔̓̚̚͜t̸̨͔͚̳͔͍͎̟͖̪̲̤͚̟̩͛͋̓h̵̡̛̳͉̪͓̫̲̅̉̊͒̾̋̆͘͘i̸̼͐̀͂̃̿̄͠n̴̻͖̥͉̝̯̺̪̟͍̰̉͂̉̓͜g̷̡̬̘̰̳̓̉͛̅͛͛͝  
**ｎｏｔｈｉｎｇ  
** 01101110 01101111 01110100 01101000 01101001 01101110 01100111

______________________________   
**ATTEMPTIMF** SOℲT RƎBØOT…

“Connor.” 

He blinked. Several times, eyes darting around. Brow furrowing.

“Ay… You with me?” 

Couldn’t seem to stop looking around. 

Unsure. 

Confused. 

Numb.

“Con?” 

Finally he seemed to register the person in front. 

Brow creasing deeper. 

“Ga—av-v-v-v-avin-in-in-in?” 

“Yeah, uh… Yeah, it’s me.”

“Go—o-o-o-ing ing ing oing on on on onon?”

“… You had a panic attack.” 

Did he?

“Did-Did Did Did I I I—I I?” 

“How’re you feelin'?” 

Feeling?

Could feel himself breathing. 

Not heavy, but felt heavy. Felt like an effort. Like his head was too heavy to keep on his head… 

That didn’t make sense. 

Did it?

“Connor?” 

Blinked. Eyes on Gavin. 

Gavin. 

“M-M-M’tire- ired ired ired ired d d d d.” 

“Yeah.” Gavin looked odd. Gavin rubbed his nose. “M’gonna call Hank, okay?” 

“O-O-Okay Okay kay kay kay kaykaykay.” 

Why did Connor sound like that? 

“Hank, I need you. Connor had a panic attack.”

Did he normally sound like that?

“Downstairs. One’ve the old interrogation rooms. 3B, I think.” 

Gavin’s hair looked untidier than usual. More strands flipped over his forehead than usual. Different than usual. Than usual. Than usual. 

“How you doin’?” Gavin asked him. Connor realised the man’s hand was on his shoulder. Closer to his neck, really. Perhaps even on his neck. 

“Gr- Gray—ay—ay—ay ay ay.”

“Gray?”

“Eye- Eyes EyesEyesEyes-s-s.”

Gavin’s lips curled. “Uh, yep… I’ve got gray eyes.” 

“N-N-N-Nice— ice ice Niceiceiceiceiceice.”

“Uh… uh yeah. Thanks. I guess. Uh…”

Connor’s hand was on Gavin’s hair then. Brushing back the extra locks carefully. Carefully. Carefully. 

That looked better. That looked better. 

Gavin’s stubble felt nice. Prickly. Skin warm. 

A hand closed over his, urging it down. 

Connor frowned. 

“Ay. You, uh… You with me, Con?” Gavin asked. 

“Mm.” Connor hummed. Eyes fixed on the beginnings of hair in the V neck t-shirt in front.

There was a strained laugh. “Connor— look up here. Not— shit,” another laugh, “Hank’s gonna be here any second, stop lookin’ at me like that.”

The laugh caught his attention. It sounded so nice. It sounded very nice. Connor liked it when Gavin laughed. Everything felt right when Gavin was happy. 

Door opened. 

Hand left his. No more touching. Sad. 

“Shit.” A new voice said. Door shutting. 

“He’s alright, don’t— He’s calm now. Just… kinda too calm? I don’t know.” 

“Too calm?” 

Another person crouched in front. Voices quiet.

“He’s all spacey. Keeps talking, too.”

“He’s talking?”

“I don’t think he’s really thinking 'bout what he’s doin'. He needs to go home.” 

“Yeah… shit. This is my fault.”

“What happened?” 

“Fucking case.” 

“He lost it?”

It was Hank. The new person was Hank.

“No, it was my fucking fault. He—”

“—H—Hank— ank ank ank ank ankankank?” 

“Connor?” 

The android opened his mouth to speak but… nothing else seemed to happen. 

Tried it again.

Blinked.

Tried to speak

Blinked… slower

… slower

slowe r 

Slipping

slipping ba ck

to

noth in g

N othing

Nothi ng

n oth in g

n

o

t

h

i

n

g

𝕟 𝕠 𝕥 𝕙 𝕚 𝕟 𝕘

ɓuıɥʇou

𝓃𝑜𝓉𝒽𝒾𝓃𝑔

ɴ ᴏᴛ ʜɪɴ ɢ

ǫ ᴎ iʜ ƚ o ᴎ

𝓷 𝓸 𝓽 𝓱 𝓲 𝓷 𝓰

ǹ̶̡̤̠͔̫͓͜ͅǫ̶͙̱͙͑̑̓͐̂͠ẗ̵̢̮̤̬̲͔̞́̋̇̃͠ḥ̸͚̣̖̔̉̏͑̚̚ỉ̴̟̿͒͐̋̈́́̈́̎ṇ̴̩̣̻̩̗̤͖̳͈̏̋̅̾̕g̵̈́́͘ ̡͔̰̘̲̱̔̑͝

n ̶͔͈̄͗̒ ͜ o̴ ͉͓͍͔̝̓͊̒͊̚ ͙̗̱͍̝t ̵͈̘̣̫̒̎̏̂̆̌͐́ h ̵̝͉̫͐̀̎͑̂ ̺ ̢͈̪ i̶̡̹͈̬͕͍͕̫̺͉͕̥̽̀͊͗̈́̅̇̕̚ͅn ̸ ̡̨̥̲̈́͘ͅg ̷̒͑͒̾̎ ͙͘

ṅ̷̰̗̙̺͈͍̯̌̔͑̿̚͝ở̷̟̜̲͎̻̠̹̮͇͔͔͙͔͕̲̟̥̩̳̰̱̰̟͙̫̮͖͐͗̃͜t̴̨̧̛̛̞̼̘̳̝̠̰̩̳̺̩͙̘͚͈͙͖͖͓̲̑̓̍̽̊̃̑̌͊͗̾̈́̂́̂̅̊͒̆̈́̎̕͘̕͘͜͜͠ͅh̴̡̨̢̖͍̘͎̯̺̥̺̠͙͔͎̞̝̝͙̼͙̥̼͚͈̝̥̺̻̣͍̝̤̗̟͉̥̉ĭ̷̛̹͓̞͕͎̻̰̖̲͔̜̱͉̤͓͗͐́͊̐͑̃̓͛̽͂̂̈́͌̀͘͠n̸̢̨̡̡͙͓͉̠͍̮̮̼͔̬̼̺̺͉͎̼͓̬͈͎̦̮̳̉̓̅̒͂͌̿̈́̽̽͊̈̔̈́͛́̆̎̔̓̀̆̍̿̾̈́̀̑̉́͋̚̕͘̕͜͠g̷̨̛̪͖͇̭̳͔̪͇̤͉̤̬̞̞͎͔͇͈͈͎͙̪̦̠̣̹̼̜̪̣͍̘̙̙̞͕͇͒̈́̋̓̈́͊̍̋̔̒͒͗̋̓͛̀̓͑̋̓̆̌͌̅̈͆̏̐̽̔͆̿̚͘̕ͅ

***** ****

*****

*****

*****

*****

*****

_____________________________  
SOFT REBOOT **INITIALIZING…**

“—ssociated before like this?”

“Nothing I’ve seen. Nothin’ like this.” 

Connor blinked. 

Squeezed his eyes shut. 

“Keep an eye on it. His diagnostic is coming back okay, his system is just overloaded. I can see he’s not been entering stasis enough either, which won’t help things. He’s got a ton of updates that could fix these bugs.” 

He brought an unsteady hand to his head, fingers curling into his hair. Felt foggy. 

“Shit, I _knew_ he wasn’t—”

“—Lieutenant.”

There was a pause. Then a soft curse. 

“Connor?”

Hank.

Was Hank.

The android nodded after a beat. Eyes still shut. Head in his hand.

“You back with us?” 

Nodded. 

Felt strange. Like he was missing something. 

“How’re you doing, kid?” 

He exhaled. Shrugged. He didn’t know.

“Yeah… You remember what happened?”

Shrugged again. Yes and no.

“You had a panic attack, and a runtime error.” Someone else spoke. It took the android a long moment to link the voice to the DPD Android Technician, Emma. “Your stress levels got too high, so your OS patch pushed you into a fail-safe mode to stop any damage. It did its job, so try not to worry. Though I have to ask… Have you experienced this sort of overload before, Connor?”

Overload? 

Shook his head. 

Overload was the right word. _Felt_ overloaded. Simple questions were hard. The information she was giving him was hard. 

Wondered where Gavin had gone.

Whether the man’d even been there in the first place. 

“I want you to head home for the day. Try to get your stress levels under control. Enter stasis. You really need to enter regularly if you want to function properly.” She said. 

Nodded. 

“Do you think you can walk?” 

Nodded. 

“Alright. Get some rest, Connor.” 

*****

By the time they got home, Connor was feeling more himself. Alert. Perceptive… Deliberative.

Hank pushed him to his room.

“I know you’ve not been sleeping, Connor. Get some rest, alright?”

> IT’S ONLY 
> 
> 04:09PM

“And?”

> I’LL BE AWAKE
> 
> AT MIDNIGHT 

“Doesn’t make a difference to you normally, kid. C’mon. Sleep, alright? You really need it.”

Connor exhaled an annoyed sound, but let the man direct him down the hall and into his bedroom. 

“You need anything?” 

Shook his head. 

“Alright. Shout me if that changes. Any time, yeah? Day or night… ‘n If you… If you wanna talk about what happened, we can tomorrow. Only if you wanna.” 

He nodded. Pulled his tie loose, signifying to the other man that he was getting ready for bed. 

“Night, kid.”

Five more days until his therapy appointment. 

*****

Connor didn’t sleep. 

Of course he didn’t. 

Once he felt fully aware again, he didn’t want to lose that. Not so soon after this recent, wholly unsettling experience. 

He let himself brood instead. Thinking over what had happened earlier. What he could remember of it, at least. 

It was frightening, to find out he could lose control in such a way. That such a thing was even _possible_. And to not clearly recall what had even happened during that time. Androids weren’t supposed to forget. Not like that. Not like that. 

The memories were patchy. Connor remembered being in Captain Fowler’s office. Remembered feeling strange. Almost distant, somehow. He remembered bolting. Not being in control. Feeling panic. A familiar presence… then nothing. 

Nothing had been the prevailing memory. 

The actual feeling of Nothing. 

This expanse of emptiness… with no sense of time…

It had felt like forever. 

In reality, it had been maybe twenty minutes? If that? Without stasis he couldn't get a conclusive timeline.

Connor supposed in a twisted way, that the ‘Nothing’ had been preferable to the panic. An escape, almost… But in another, it was entirely more chilling. The fact that his body was _meant_ to do that. To enter that entirely vulnerable, blank state, to stop it from destroying itself. Because that was what this was. The Android Tech had even said so: his patch had pushed him into that. He’d been so overloaded, that the OS update had to resort to a fail-safe action to prevent his untimely and unintentional death.

It wasn’t the usual action of the Self Destruction Patch. He knew it wasn't. But the overload prior to the event had caused it to behave that way. His mental state, combined with his recent lack of stasis had lead to all of this. 

God.

All of this, because he wasn’t entering stasis enough? Because he was so overly emotional, _all_ of the time. Because his system needed updates to stop these runtime errors from reoccurring…

It was so stupid. 

Connor was being so stupid for not doing these things. So _stupid_.

Androids weren’t made to have errors like this. To make mistakes. 

Embarrassing. 

Foolish. 

And Gavin had seen it all. 

_Shit…_ Gavin had seen it all.

The man must have thought he was a freak. Some kind of machine that was broken. Metal ready to be scrapped.

Shit.

Shit…

Connor had _tried_ to keep his problems away from him. He’d tried _so hard_ to not let his mental health dictate the time he and Gavin spent together. But it just kept getting in the way. It just kept getting in the way. 

He had to stop that. 

Had to stop bothering Gavin with his problems. It wasn’t fair on him. He didn’t deserve that. It wasn’t fair.

He had to stop it. 

He had to stop. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'The Mess We Make' by Benjamin Francis Leftwich.
> 
> (FYI whenever Gavin says “Ay” I mean it to sound like the word ‘Hey’, but without the ‘H’ lol don’t be sayin ‘aye/eye’ in ur heads because it ain’t that)


	8. I Got You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gavin back at it again with the over-texting.

** _Didn’t realise we  
_ _were back to this_ **

Gavin texted. It was the following day. Late morning. Nearly 12PM.

** _You pretending I  
_ _don’t exist_ **

** _Forgot what that felt  
_ _like_ **

** _Oh wait nvm, it’s  
_ _happening now_ **

Connor could feel his jaw tightening as he filled out paperwork. 

**_Fucks sake_ **

** _Why tf are you doing  
_ _this again_ **

Gavin was frustrated with him. Angry at him.

Good. Connor deserved it. 

** _Goddamnit you’re so  
_ _fucking stubborn_ **

**_Was gonna ask if you  
_ _were feeling better  
_ _but you must be if  
_ _you’re playing this  
_ _fucking game again_ **

** _I know yesterday was  
_ _probably scary Connor  
_ _ffs you don’t have to  
_ _push me away because  
_ _of it_ **

** _I’m trying to help you_ **

> ** _Stop trying._ **

The messages paused for a half minute. Connor didn't look up from his desk.

** _You think I’m just  
_ _gonna give up on you  
_ _that easily??  
_ _Newsflash Con I’m  
_ _not fucking gonna_ **

Connor disabled his communications network. Gavin’s texts would bounce back. It was an overdramatic action to take in all honesty, but hopefully that would send the right message across. 

It did.

The man stalked out of the bullpen and into the break room a minute later. Tina followed him.  Connor took that moment to offer to go out and get Hank something for lunch, that way he didn’t have to deal with anyone for a while. 

He reconnected his comms network once he returned to the precinct, figuring Gavin wouldn’t attempt another message for a while. Which was true. Until it wasn’t.

** _Talk to me Connor_ **

** _What’s gonna happen  
_ _if you reply?_**

** _Nothing_ **

** _Nothing bad will  
_ _happen_ **

** _Come on_**

**_Connor I just wanna  
_ _be there for you_ **

** _Fuck I’ve not wanted  
_ _that in so long_ **

** _Let me be there for  
_ _you_ **

** _Do you think I care  
_ _about what happened  
_ _yesterday??_ **

** _Because I really don’t it  
_ _doesn’t make me see  
_ _you any different_ **

** _I don’t know how you’re  
_ _feeling about it but  
_ _you’re shutting me out  
_ _so obviously not fucking  
_ _great_ **

Connor wished Gavin wouldn't care. He wished he would just stop caring. It would make all of this so much easier.

Why did he care?

Connor really… he really didn't understand why the man kept trying…

** _Let’s go for coffee or  
_ _something after work_ **

** _We don’t have to talk  
_ _about anything hard  
_** ** _I promise, we can  
_ ** **_just talk about easy  
_ ** **_shit_ **

** _I won’t bring anything  
_ _up unless you do_ **

**_And you don’t have to  
_ _talk at all if you don’t  
_ _want_ **

** _We can just go to the  
_ _cafe and hang out  
_ _again_ **

** _Hanging out with you  
_ _was so fucking good_ **

** _Even when we didn’t  
_ _speak_ **

** _Just being around you  
_ _makes me feel better_ **

> ** _You can’t mean that._ **

** _I mean it_ **

**_I’m not lying Connor_ **

** _I wouldn’t lie about  
_ _something like that_ **

**_You’re too important. I  
_ _don’t want to lose this_ **

Connor didn't want to lose it either, but it just felt like it was all slipping through his fingers.

Why was it all falling apart? Why couldn't Connor hold onto this? He wanted to. So badly. He wanted this so badly.

 ** _Fuck_** ** _I'm sorry_ **

** _I know all of this is so  
_ _fucking selfish but I just  
_ _need you to know this  
_ _stuff_ **

** _Shit wtf is wrong with  
me_**

** _Look you don’t have to  
_ _let me know right now_**

**_I don’t want to push you  
Connor that's the last  
thing I want_ **

** _Just_**

** _Idk_ **

** _Do whatever is helpful for  
_ _you ok_ **

**_And my offer still stands_ **

Connor couldn’t make himself reply. 

In all honesty, he was trying not to cry. Again. For the millionth time, it felt like. If he entered stasis, he might have been able to find out an exact figure. But he didn't want to do either of those things.

Two hours later their shifts had finished, and he still hadn’t replied. 

Gavin waited around for ten minutes until Connor let their eyes meet, lip twisting down without his say so. Looking away. Shaking his head ‘no, he can’t go’. 

Gavin left. 

It took the android twenty minutes to be able to do anything else.

> **_Maybe tomorrow_ **

Gavin replied a while later;

** _Would like that_**

*****

Connor didn’t sleep again. He went home, but not until 03:41AM. Hank likely didn't know the exact timings of his comings and goings lately, but he definitely knew the android wasn't sleeping. 

21 days. 

A personal record. 

Only 4 more days until his appointment.

Their communication was at an all time low. He and Hank just weren't talking any more. Not unless it was about a case, or the occasional comment about something unimportant. It had all just stopped, and Connor didn't know how to get it back again. Or if he wanted it back. Because if he got it back, it would be too much. Too overwhelming, because Hank would ask him the things he couldn't face. But not having it at all felt just as difficult, if not worse. This… _silence_ , between them was so utterly deafening. It felt like there was this constant elephant in the room that neither of them knew how to broach, so they stopped doing it all together. It was miserable. It was a miserable way to be, and Connor knew Hank had been feeling awful too, because the house was in complete disarray. But Connor didn't have enough in him to clean up the mess. There was no drive any more, which only made him feel worse, because he should be able to do this _one_ thing for Hank, and he couldn't.

It was so hard. 

Why was it so hard…? Why was Connor making this so much harder than it needed to be?  Why couldn't he do all of these simple things that everyone else could. 

It was almost a relief that it was Connor's day off.  Usually his and Hank's downtime coincided, but not today. Connor was home, alone with Sumo. 

And today felt strange. _He_ felt strange. Disjointed, somehow. He'd been attempting to manually sort through his backlogged data in the living room, but it wasn’t seeming to work like usual. There were too many files, and he was struggling to make sense of them. Processes inefficiently slow. Entering stasis would fix it all, but he didn’t want to. There was no discernable reasoning behind it now. Just that he didn’t want to do it. 

The day passed quicker than the android could process it. 

Got a text just after 06PM. Could have sworn it had been midday only an hour ago.

** _Coffee?_ **

Connor didn’t want to see him. He did. But he didn’t. And the negative would always outweigh the positive. That was just how it was now. 

> **_Maybe tomorrow_ **

Gavin had read the message straight away, but didn’t reply for half an hour. 

**_Alright con_ **

Disappointed. 

Hank arrived home. Connor couldn’t meet his eye today. Could barely stand any sort of conversation, because he knew the way he was acting practically demanded some kind of intervening chat. He knew he wasn’t doing a normal thing. But he just couldn’t seem to stop it. 

“You gonna sleep later?” Hank asked. Tone nonchalant, like it didn’t matter. But it did matter, and they both knew it did. 

Shrugged. 

“You’re lookin’ a little worse for wear, kid. Don’t forget to look after yourself.”

Nodded. Eyes down. 

** _You get up to anything  
_ _today_ **

Gavin texted a short time later.

Connor didn't respond. 

Another one arrived half an hour after, once the android had left for ‘bed’. 09PM. 

**_Got my ass handed  
_ _to me by a perp lol_ **

The words sent a sharp stab of alarm through Connor. Gavin was hurt?

> ** _Are you okay?_ **

**_Fine dw_ **

> **_Are you sure?_ **

** _Just got a little  
_ _busted up. Nothing  
_ _that won’t heal_ **

> ** _I’m sorry I wasn’t  
> _ _there._ **

** _Glad you weren’t lol  
_ _fucking embarrassing_ **

** _Funny tho_ **

> ** _It’s not._ **

** _Kinda is_ **

** _Had to be there prob_  
**

** _Tina thinks it’s funny  
_ _af_ **

> ** _You being hurt isn’t  
> _ _funny._ **

** _Meh_ **

** _Be fine_ **

** _Gonna have a big  
_ _fucking black eye  
_ _tomorrow tho haha_ **

Gavin seemed to find this entire situation amusing. Why, Connor had no idea. He’d even invited the android out for a coffee not long ago? He was laughing all of this off like it was nothing. But what if he’d been really hurt? What if he’d been hospitalised? Or worse? 

He didn’t respond. 

Didn’t know what else to say. 

How did you reply to something like that? 

Ten minutes later, he got another text.

** _Am ok tho fr_ **

** _Tina’s even staying over  
_ _to make sure I don’t  
_ _have ‘concussion’ or  
whatever_**

** _Which I don’t but she  
_ _won’t leave me alone  
_ _so_ **

** _Is all good_ **

> ** _I’m glad._ **

** _She says hi_ **

Connor frowned. He hadn’t wanted to continue their conversation for any longer than it should have. His concern for Gavin’s wellbeing had been sated, but the man still kept talking. Why?

> ** _Hello._ **

He said. Because it would be rude not to. And now he'd done his part: he didn’t need to say anything more. Conversation over. Connor could stay away from Gavin and stop bothering the man like he always did.

** _I think she secretly  
_ _wants to be your friend_ **

** _Oh she was not happy  
_ _I just said that_ **

** _Proof_ **

Over the following few hours, several more texts arrived. Some spread out, others closer together. 

** _She said she thinks  
_ _you’re kind_ **

** _That you have kind  
_ _eyes_ **

** _Tina thinks you’re  
_ _gentle_ **

** _ & soft_ **

** _Apparently I was not  
_ _supposed to be telling  
_ _you this stuff whoops_ **

** _She mad_ **

** _If she wasn’t gay af I’d  
_ _have accused her of  
_ _crushing on you lol_ **

** _Proof “Tbh if I was a  
_ _guy, I would"_**

** _This is weird_ **

**_Sorry Im being weird_ **

** _Maybe I’m a little  
_ _concussed hahah_**

** _Tina thinks I’m annoying  
_ _you by messabging you  
_ _so much_ **

** _I said if hes annoyed  
_ _he’d just block me lol_ **

** _Oop too soon?_ **

** _Fuck maybe I am  
_ _concussed haha idk  
_ _wtf I’m sayign rn_ **

** _hi connor this is tina  
_ _sorry about all of this,  
_ _i’ve confiscated his  
_ _phone so he doesn’t  
_ _say/do anything he  
_ _shouldn’t! he’s okay  
_ _though am keeping an  
_ _eye. hope you’re  
_ _having a nice night. t x_ **

> ** _Thank you for watching  
> _ _him._ **

** _np, t x_ **

** _he’s really bugging me  
_ _to tell you ‘sleep well’.  
_ _sorry about him!_ _t x_ **

> ** _I don’t mind._ **

** 👍 _t x_ **

Connor wondered how much Gavin had told Tina about things. She was the closest friend he had, from what Connor has seen over the past several months. He would have analyzed his memories from the last week to see if she'd been talking to the man much around the precinct, however none of the memory files were processed or organised enough to look for details so small. It frustrated him, that he should have to enter stasis to complete these tasks. He had two large updates pending, _many_ bug fixes, and a substantial security update, all with infuriating automatic reminders popping up at thirty minute intervals. 

At 04:37AM, he received a text.

** _Hope you’re havinf a  
_ _good sleep x_ **

Gavin must have found his phone. Perhaps half asleep, or whilst Tina wasn’t looking. She had to be waking him up hourly to check on things. 

Why was Gavin thinking about him now? 

What did that… ‘x’ mean. 

Connor knew what it meant. But what did it _mean?_

Gavin was concussed. That’s what it meant. 

*****

There were no morning texts. 

Connor tried to not feel disappointed by that. Trying didn’t seem to be doing Connor much good these days.

“You get any sleep last night, kid?” Hank asked, glancing over as he drove them to the precinct. 

Shrugged. 

Hank didn’t say anything more for the rest of the journey. 

Hank was disappointed. Connor was a disappointment. 

22 days without rest. 3 until the appointment. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'I Got You' by Benjamin Francis Leftwich.
> 
> (me laughing bc the last two sentences accidentally rhyme? more likely than you'd think) (fuck i was gonna reword it so it didn't rhyme but it keeps making me laugh too much i have to leave it there I NEED THIS)


	9. Sanctuary

Gavin… didn’t look great. Connor bit his lip in sympathy when the man trudged in behind Tina that morning, looking extremely unhappy. Nose fractured, covered by some kind of splint. Bruises blossomed out over most of his right eye, and a little underneath his left. His knuckles had blemishes too, showing he didn’t exactly let the perp have their way with him. 

Forcibly, Connor pulled his gaze away from the other. Because everything about that image stirred emotions in him that he was presently incapable of dealing with. Gavin was hurt. Gavin could have been very _badly_ hurt. Gavin could have been fatally injured. Connor didn’t want that. He did not want that at all. 

What if he’d… 

Stop.  It didn’t happen. He’s fine.  Gavin is sat right there.

The android took a slow, grounding breath. 

> ** _How are you  
> _ _feeling?_ **

He asked. Because he at least had to know that. And… maybe because Connor missed him, too. Which was a foolish thing to think. It _sounded_ foolish, he knew it did. But it was how he felt. They hadn’t spoken properly in what felt like so long, that to go suddenly from Gavin’s extended inner monologuing last night, to absolutely nothing? It felt like a shock to the system. Though Connor supposed the lack of contact this morning could certainly be attributed to his own poor response rate last night. Gavin probably didn’t want to talk to him.

He wondered how much longer Gavin would put up with him. With what he was doing. With who Connor was. 

The man was certainly persistent, that was obvious. It was something Connor had known about him before they'd even crossed paths in May, and had swiftly become one of the many qualities that the android admired. And truthfully, that persistence was one of the things helping to keep Connor going… but how long would that last? He’d already seen a glimpse of Gavin’s frustrations yesterday in his texts. Connor was frustrating him. Connor’s behaviour wasn’t acceptable, but he just couldn’t stop doing these things… he didn't know how to. And he didn’t know how much longer Gavin would be patient with him. There was only so much one man could take, and Connor kept crossing the line, again and again. How long would it be until Gavin grew too tired of this?  How long until he gave up on Connor too.

Ten minutes later, the man only just seemed to realise he had a message.  In reality, he should have stayed home. But that didn’t seem like a very ‘Gavin’ thing to do.

** _Ugh_ **

> ** _It looks painful._ **

** _Dont look at me I  
_ _look like shit_ **

> ** _Okay._ **

Got another text, half an hour later. 

** _Why do you look  
_ _like someone  
_ _beat you up too_ **

Connor felt his lip twist down. He purposely kept his eyes on the terminal in front, aware that his ‘humanising’ dark circles were very pronounced lately. Thanks to CyberLife, for providing android owners with a visual reminder that they needed to charge their merchandise. 

“Connor?” Hank’s voice startled him, L.E.D. flickering a quick yellow. “Can you look over this with me a sec? Just wanna check something.” 

Glad to have a reason to ignore Gavin’s message, Connor stood and moved around to Hank’s side of the desk, peering at the computer. It was the report Connor had filed the day before last. His brow creased, looking to the other in question. 

Hank looked… embarrassed? 

Why did he… 

“This part here?” Hank fumbled, prodding the screen with a finger. 

Connor’s brow furrowed more, reading over it all again. 

> I’M NOT SURE
> 
> WHAT YOU’RE
> 
> REFERRING TO?

“You, uh— You called the suspect Jenkins. But that wasn’t this case. Jenkins was from the one before. Just… wanted to check you knew that?” 

Connor felt his L.E.D. flicker yellow, reading over it again. Going through the case numbers in his system. Reading it again. 

Shit…

_Shit._

Hank was right. 

How could Connor have made such a big mistake? Such a blatant error?

He was the most advanced android CyberLife had ever made, and… and…

“Don’t worry about it.” Hank said, voice quieter. “Maybe, uh… Maybe get some rest soon. Think it’s not helpin’ you with things.” 

No. This wasn’t to do with stasis.  Connor was just a failure. He was failing more and more and soon he would never do anything right.

“Con… Your light is red.”

He couldn’t seem to take his eyes off the words on the screen.

“Look, you don’t need to worry. I’ve done stuff like that in the past too. That’s what partners are for, right? Gotta look out for each other.” 

Connor replied with a stiff nod, returning to his side of the desk. Tried to get control of his L.E.D., but it seemed to have a mind of its own for the moment.

He heard Hank sigh. One of those 'I'll leave you to it' sounds that had become all too familiar in recent weeks.  Taking some slow breaths, Connor's L.E.D. eventually flickered down from red to yellow. Stayed like that for a while. Head getting clouded with thoughts, of how he should be better. How he wasn’t created to be like this. How he continued to keep making mistake after mistake. When would he ever do something right?

**_Ok?_ **

Gavin texted. He ignored it.

Forty minutes on, and Connor’s L.E.D. was still yellow. Could feel Gavin’s eyes on him periodically.

Sometimes he hated that their desks ran parallel. Felt watched. No privacy. 

And now he felt like everyone was watching him. 

Shit. 

What if they were? 

Suddenly he couldn’t seem to tear his eyes away from the computer keyboard in front. Head down, shoulders tense. 

What if they were all watching? 

What if they were? What if they all knew what Connor had done? An android, making a mistake? It was laughable. An _embarrassment_. Look at what he'd done. A mute android, making an error? What next? What use is an android that doesn't talk? What use is an android that can't do its job?

They were all watching him. All of them. They definitely were. He could feel everyone's eyes on him. This burning intensity. A crushing _weight_.

Oh no. Oh no. Everyone knew? Everyone _knew_. He’d put the wrong name in the report and everyone knew, oh God, how many _other_ reports had he done wrong? Oh God. Oh no. What else was he doing wrong? How many other things was Connor making a mess of? Just how much more could he ruin?

** _Tf did Hank say  
_ _to you?_ **

Connor stood up quickly, walking around the desk and snagging Hank’s empty coffee cup. Pre-constructed the least damaging route to the break room with his head down, because he couldn’t handle the bullpen. It was too much. Everyone was watching and it was too much and the break room was empty so Connor stayed there, cup put down, stood in front of the coffee machine, hands bracing the surface. This was fine, he was fine. He was fine. He should wash the cup. Hank doesn’t care about that but Connor should do it anyway to make sure it was clean. He would wash the cup now. 

“Connor?” Gavin’s voice sounded. Quiet. Stood to the left. 

A shield between him and the bullpen.

Couldn’t stop staring at the coffee stained mug. It needed to be cleaned. Hank didn't mind but Connor would clean it anyway.  The detective moved closer. 

Fingers tightened on the counter. 

Apparently his sudden departure had looked like an open invitation but it hadn’t been. It hadn’t been. 

He did nothing.  Stood still.  Body wound tight. 

He did nothing. 

A gentle hand closed over one of Connor’s, and he felt himself stiffen even more. 

“No one’s here. S'just us.” Gavin said.

How did he know?

How could he possibly know that was how Connor was feeling right now how did he know how did he _know?_

“No one is watching. Promise.”

Nodded. 

He nodded jerkily. 

No one was watching.  They were alone. He was safe with Gavin. Safe with Gavin. No one else was there. 

It took him a few minutes to calm down. Longer than it should have for his body to loosen, and his grip to give on the counter, jaw unclenching. Thankfully no one came in during the worst of it. And now he could breathe again. 

That reassurance from Gavin… it had been highly beneficial. Connor had needed that information. _Desperately_ needed to know that, because it would have taken him a lot longer to recover without it. And he didn't want to feel that way at work. It was the only crowded place he could be in that didn't affect him negatively, because it was his job, and no one expected him to act a certain way. He knew exactly what was expected of him here. It was familiar. Most of his life had been spent in this very building. It was safe.

Breathing out, Connor shut his eyes briefly.  He hadn’t looked up at Gavin once. Didn't know if he could right now, so he projected words onto the back of his hand. The one the man wasn’t touching.

> HOW DID
> 
> YOU KNOW

It took Gavin a moment to realise he’d said anything.

“Your disco light. Goes a certain way when you’re around too many people.” 

> YOU ANALYZED
> 
> MY L.E.D.? 

“I mean… Not intentionally? Just does this specific pattern thing when you get stressed about that stuff. From what I’ve seen anyway.” 

> I WASN’T
> 
> AWARE. 

“Kinda helpful, I guess.”

> PERHAPS. 

Neither of them seemed to know what to do. Gavin spoke up after an awkward pause.

“What'd Hank say?”

Connor's fingers tightened against the countertop. 

> I MADE A MISTAKE IN
> 
> A REPORT. HE POINTED
> 
> IT OUT. TOLD ME I 
> 
> NEEDED TO SLEEP.

“Do you?”

> I NEED TO
> 
> BE USEFUL. 

“But do you need to sleep for you to actually do the things that make you feel useful?”

> I DON’T KNOW.

“Maybe think about it.” 

Connor looked at Gavin’s hand on his. At the damaged skin, new bruises and old scarring. 

Glanced up, suddenly. Realising. Remembering Gavin had been hurt. _God_ , the bruises looked so much more painful closer up. One of his eyes was fractionally bloodshot. 

“Fa-a-ace-ace-ce-ce.” Connor whispered before he could stop himself. The disjointed word had sounded pained. Scared. His utter dismay for the man’s injuries almost outweighed his own alarm at speaking out loud. Shoved the vile feeling away. 

The detective’s lip had twisted at the word, and his hand withdrew from Connor’s. Glanced around the empty break room briefly.

“Gonna be an ugly fucker for a few weeks.” He said, trying to joke. 

Connor touched a careful hand to the bruising, trying not to frown at the fact that Gavin had been hurt. How things could have been much worse, and how Connor was _so_ relieved that it hadn’t been.

He didn’t understand what he was doing might have been considered inappropriate until their eyes met. Gavin’s were wide. Surprised. 

Oh.

But he wasn’t pulling away. 

And perhaps Connor didn’t want him to.

The skin felt inflamed under the soft stroke of his thumb. It would take at least two weeks for the bruising to go. 

After a moment, Gavin’s cheek leant into Connor’s cupped hand.

The sound of someone coughing loudly startled them out of… whatever it was they were doing, Connor instantly turning away and grabbing Hank’s coffee cup, sidestepping to the sink to wash it. 

“The fuck?” Gavin muttered irritably.

“Well you weren’t exactly being _subtle_.” A feminine voice replied at the same level. Tina. 

Connor’s cheeks felt like they were on fire. He wondered if they were saying anything else, or just communicating via glare. No one spoke anything aloud though, and Tina was suddenly stood at the counter, not all that far away. 

“Hi Connor.” She said.

He met her eye very hesitantly. She was smiling. A nice smile, though. Something that seemed to put him more at ease. He tried to quirk one back, then looked back down at the coffee cup. Dried it off with a hand towel. 

“Hank take sugar?” She asked. 

After a beat, Connor steadily met her eye again, then shook his head once. Hank did take sugar, but not when Connor made it (the lieutenant was learning to like it without — _slowly_ ). He looked over his shoulder, finding Gavin stood awkwardly a few paces back, hand itching the back of his neck.

“You first.” Tina said, gesturing with her own coffee mug to the machine.

Connor put the cup in and pressed the button. 

“Nice catch on the Wallerton case the other week, by the way.” She said. “Don’t know if any of us would’ve seen that clue in the diaries.” 

He didn’t know what to say. 

She was nice and he didn’t know what to do.

“Jesus, T. You gonna propose to him next?” Gavin said dryly from behind. 

“I might.” She said. Connor could hear the grin in her voice. “Don’t think Connor’s into married lesbians though, are you?” 

He felt his cheeks warming again, head ducking lower.

“Fucks sake, you’re such a dick.” Gavin huffed, sticking himself in between them, purposely nudging her out of the way and grabbing a paper cup from the stack. Swiftly, Connor pulled Hank’s newly filled mug away. Just in time too, because Gavin and Tina promptly started squabbling over who was using the machine next.

It was nice. Funny, seeing this side of Gavin. Connor wondered if all of their evening last night had consisted of childish antics like this. It would have been comical to see. Endearing. 

“And you! What are you smiling about, huh?” Tina demanded, prodding the countertop near Connor with an accusing finger. Connor let out a nervous titter of laughter: a sound that had both Gavin and Tina spluttering in response and the android biting his lip sheepishly. 

“That was so cute.” Tina cackled loudly.

“Tina fuckin’ stop it, you’re gonna make him overheat or something, Jesus.” Gavin laughed.

This was…

This…

Connor had never experienced this before.

In all the months he had been alive, Connor had never had gone through anything of the sort. 

Was this what everything was about? 

Was this friendship? 

Was it the purpose to everything? Feeling this warmth inside? Affection? 

Maybe this was the key to everything.  To not being alone. To not feeling these bad things.

Maybe the answer had been right under his nose all along. 

*****

> ** _Thank you for earlier._ **

He messaged Gavin later that evening. Connor was still at the precinct, predictably. Avoiding sleep. Avoiding Hank. Avoiding all of these things he knew would help him feel better. 

Ever the phone addict, Gavin replied within a few minutes.

** _Which part?_ **

> ** _All of it._ **
> 
> ** _Tina._ **
> 
> ** _You._**

** _She likes you. Thinks  
_ _you’re ‘good for me’  
_ _or some shit. Whatever  
_ _that means hah_ **

> ** _I like her._ **

**_Never seen her take a  
_ _shining to someone so  
_ _fast_ **

** _Don’t steal my friend  
_ _lol_ **

> ** _I wouldn’t do that  
> _ _to you._ **

** _I know was just  
_ _messing_ **

> ** _Okay._ **

** _You up to much?_ **

Connor took pause at the simple message. 

Gavin was… still talking to him. Still _wanted_ to talk to him, somehow. After everything. And that knowledge began to reignite the warmth inside, because Gavin was _still_ _here_.  He still hadn’t given up on Connor. He hadn't given up on him yet. 

The android pushed the thought away, because he didn’t want to get emotional. He just wanted to have this. Just the inane conversations, like normal. Acting like everything was okay. Connor needed this so badly… Perhaps even Gavin needed it too. 

> ** _No._ **
> 
> **_Are you?_ **

** _TV_ **

> ** _Watching anything  
> _ _interesting?_ **

** _Nope it’s fucking  
_ _bullshit_ **

> ** _One of those reality  
> _ _TV programs?_ **

** _Mhm_ **

> ** _Why do you watch  
> _ _something if you think  
> _ _it’s bad?_ **

** _Because it’s funny af  
_ _and I love drama_ **

> ** _That makes sense._ **

** _What you trying to  
_ _say huh_ **

Connor felt himself huff a quiet laugh. Lip curling. 

> ** _Nothing at all, Gavin._ **

**_I think you’re trying  
_ _to be a fucking joker_ **

> **_I would never._ **

** _Hahaha you always play  
_ _that fucking innocent  
_ _card_ **

Connor bit his lip, trying not to let a smile externalise. 

> ** _I’m not sure what  
> _ _you mean._ **

** _You just proved my  
_ _point haha_ **

> ** _I couldn’t possibly  
> _ _say._ **

** _Dumbass_ **

> **_Gavin… I’m genuinely  
> _ _unsure of what you  
> _ _are saying._ **

** _Are you actually_ **

> ** _Yes_ **

** _I really can’t tell if  
_ _you’re being serious  
_ _or not_ **

Connor was smiling. So widely. 

> ** _I am._ **

** _Being serious? Or not  
_ _being serious?_ **

> ** _Yes._ **

** _Ok you’re fucking  
_ _teasing me now you  
_ _asshole_ **

> ** _Just a little._ **
> 
> ** _Did it work?_ **

** _Got me good you  
_ _dick haha_ **

> ** _I suppose I learned  
> _ _from the best._ **

** _Can’t believe this_ **

**_I showed Tina and  
_ _she’s laughing_ **

> ** _Is Tina there?_ **

** _No just sent a  
_ _screenshot_ **

> ** _I see._ **

There was a short delay in messages. 

** _You ok??_ **

Connor frowned.

> ** _Yes?_**

** _You just sent me the  
_ _same message like  
_ _5 times_ **

Connor's frown deepened, rechecking his message logs. 

No, he hadn’t.

> ** _What do you mean?_ **

** _Are you alright??_ **

> ** _I’m fine, Gavin.  
> _ _I don’t understand  
> _ _what you’re saying._ **

** _You’re fine? You sure?  
_ _Everything’s coming  
_ _through a lot of  
_ _times?_**

> ** _I’m perfectly okay._ **
> 
> ** _Oh._ **

Another runtime error. Shit. Already? How was this happening so frequently?

** _Oh??_ **

> ** _Hold on a moment._ **

A moment turned out to not be a moment, but ten minutes. How, he had no idea. An error of such small magnitude should have been resolved within a matter of seconds by his advanced systems. But he hadn’t been updating those systems, had he. He’d already experienced this specific error before, but hadn’t updated since. There was a fix for it, but not one Connor had yet acquired, because he hadn’t entered stasis.

Once resolved, he came back to a few messages. 

** _What’s going on?_ **

** _Uh  
_ _This is not ‘a moment’_ **

** _Connor I stg_ **

** _I will come over there_ **

**_Are you ok??_ **

Oh no.

> ** _Sorry, Gavin. Sorry. I’m  
> _ _alright. I’m sorry for  
> _ _making you wait, I didn't  
> _ _realise how long that  
> _ _was going to take.  
> _ _I experienced a small  
> _ _runtime error: that was  
> _ _what those extra  
> _ _messages were likely  
> _ _about. I hadn’t noticed  
> _ _until you pointed it out._ **

** _Jesus ok_ **

Oh no…

> ** _I’m very sorry._ **
> 
> **_I’m sorry, Gavin. I  
> _ _didn’t mean for that to  
> _ _happen. Genuinely._ **

** _I know you didn’t just  
_ _scared me lol_ **

** _Just looked like it did  
_ _the other day_ **

Shit… Connor knew he was going to ruin this somehow. _Knew_ it. Always ruining it. _Why_ did he always do these things? _Why?_

> **_I’m sorry._ **

** _Stop apologizing  
_ _dipshit_ **

** _Just need a min and  
_ _I’ll be fine lol_ **

** _Caring is fucking  
_ _hard haha_ **

Connor frowned. He wasn’t wrong. 

** _You get these errors  
_ _a lot??_ **

> ** _Not usually._ **

** _But lately?_ **

> ** _… Sometimes._ **

** _You think there’s a  
_ _reason for it or is it  
_ _just random_ **

It was hard not to read into the message. To question whether or not Gavin was angling at Connor’s lack or stasis, or whether it was just a genuine query. These days, it seemed like every question directed at him had a double meaning behind it. Even a ‘How was your day’ felt dangerous. 

Should he open up? Or not.

Play dumb, or tell the truth and risk reprimand. 

Would Gavin tell him off? Hank would. It would come from a good place, yes. But it was still more than he could handle, and the longer he waited with that, the worse it kept getting. 

> ** _It could be to do  
> _ _with stasis._ **

Connor decided. Gavin could take from that what he wished. 

**_You get buggy when  
_ _you don’t sleep?_ **

> ** _I despise your  
> _ _terminology._ **

** _I’m right tho aren’t  
_ _I haha_ **

> ** _I… get buggy when I  
> _ _don’t sleep._ **

** _Amazing_ **

** _10/10 need to hear  
_ _that shit again_ **

** _Tell me to my face  
_ _tomorrow I need to  
_ _see your face when  
_ _you do_ **

> ** _You find the strangest  
> _ _things amusing._ **

** _True_ **

** _You gonna sleep  
_ _tonight?_ **

> ** _I thought I might wait  
> _ _until after my therapy  
> _ _appointment._ **

** _Oh shit yeah when’s  
_ _that?_ **

> **_In 3 days._ **

**_Not long_ **

** _How you feeling  
_ _about it?_ **

> ** _Apprehensive. But  
> _ _hopeful._ **

** _That’s good_ **

** _Don’t wanna pry, this  
_ _is the last question  
_ _I’m gonna ask then  
_ _I’ll shut up_ **

** _Why are you gonna  
_ _wait until after  
_ _therapy_ **

** _To sleep_ **

> ** _I thought it would be  
> _ _more efficient for them  
> _ _to see how I felt at my  
> _ _worst, rather than going  
> _ _in fully rested and calm._ **

** _Right…_ **

> ** _It seems like the most  
> _ _logical thing to do._ **

** _Seems like a shitty way  
_ _to do it tbh_ _Connor_ **

** _You sure that’s all  
_ _there is to this?_ **

No. There was a lot more to it, but this was all he could share. Connor had already spoken _far_ too much about himself this evening. He shouldn’t have allowed this to go on for as long as it had. He'd already ruined it with his error, and now this. The android was certain Gavin was growing tired of him. Annoyed with his repetitively poor behaviour. 

> ** _It’s fine._ **

** _Is it?_ **

> ** _I said it’s fine._ **
> 
> **_I thought you weren’t  
> _ _going to ask more  
> _ _questions._**

** _Mm_ **

Connor didn’t reply.

Gavin didn’t message again that night. 

And Connor never left the precinct at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'Sanctuary' by Takeshi Furukawa.


	10. idontwannabeyouanymore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Suicidal themes ahead  
> (Not explicitly worded, and only very short).  
> Please take heed of the triggers listed in the tags. Take care of yourselves.

Hank was furious. 

Connor hadn’t come home and Hank was furious. 

23 days with no sleep. 2 days until his appointment. 

He didn’t know why he was counting any more, this stopped being about the appointment a while ago. Connor had put off stasis for so long, it was now at the point where he'd become afraid to enter it. It made absolutely no sense, because nothing bad would come of it. In fact, it would make him feel a whole lot better, and it would fix all of these backed up errors and bugs. But perhaps that was why he was afraid of it in the first place. Afraid to give himself the chance to feel better. Afraid that he didn’t deserve it. That he wasn’t allowed to feel better, and letting himself enter stasis was irresponsible and made him a bad person. 

“With me. Now.” Hank uttered the second he arrived at the precinct. Stood strong. This huge presence unmoving by the android’s desk. 

Connor didn’t move, L.E.D. flashing yellow. Thirium Pump beating faster. 

Faster. 

“Now, Connor.” 

Oh shit. 

Oh no. 

He didn’t know why he was looking over at Gavin’s desk suddenly, like the man would help him. The detective wasn’t even here yet. Hank had arrived earlier than normal. Connor was alone. 

“Connor.” 

Felt tears stinging his eyes. L.E.D. flickering red. Yellow. Red yellow red yellow.

> PLEASE DON’T.

He pleaded. 

Hank didn’t respond; quiet, a moment.

Then there was an exhausted exhale. One that Connor oddly wanted to mimic.

“Can we just talk a minute?” The lieutenant said, voice softer. Gentler. Less frightening. “I just… Can we talk?”

> I DON’T
> 
> WANT TO.

“I know you don’t, kid. Just for a minute, yeah? I’m not… I’m not gonna tell you off. ” 

It took a long pause of deliberation for Connor to make himself follow. They went to the observation room, and it was dark inside until Hank flipped on the lights. The door slid shut. Locked. 

Couldn’t look away from the ground. 

Knew Hank was watching him. 

"You've never stayed here all night before… You always came back. Even if it was Four in the goddamned morning. You _always_ came back, Connor."

Said nothing. Jaw tight. Eyes wet.

“Talk to me… Tell me what's goin' on, kid. Help me understand.” 

His chest felt so tight. Vision swam with tears. Some spilled over. 

“Connor…” 

> I DON’T WANT
> 
> TO TALK.

“Why not?” 

Connor tried to swallow the emotion in his throat. Cheeks wet. Lip twisting down.

> I’M SCA R E D

“Awh, kid.” Hank whispered. Dismayed.

There was a sudden warmth, enveloping him. Holding him tight. Hank was holding him. Hugging him.

Hank was hugging Connor and Connor didn’t know what to do. Felt even more tears building. Spilling. Couldn’t stop them. Couldn’t stop the hiccup of breath that escaped, or his own arms lifting. Grasping around Hank like his life depended on it. Shoulders shaking, holding back sobs. 

“I’ve got you, kid. I’ve got you. It’s alright.” 

*****

*****

*****

“What d’you wanna do, Con. Home or here?”

Connor had told him nothing. Nothing at all about what he was thinking or feeling. But surprisingly, for once the lieutenant hadn't pried. Perhaps that would come later, once the 'emotional moment' had passed.

Hank was perched on the table, watching Connor with tired eyes. The android's tears had finally dried up, but he knew he didn’t look great. The synthetic skin around his eyes felt tight and hot, and his clothes from yesterday were crumpled. He was certain the observational room's fluorescent lighting was highlighting these imperfections even more.

Shrugged his response.  Because he didn’t know any more. Didn't know what he wanted. He was so tired. He didn’t want to do anything. 

“Why don’t you get yourself cleaned up. Have a think about it for a few minutes, ’n let me know.” 

Nodded. 

Hank unlocked the door for him and Connor exited, crossing to the bathroom and slipping inside quietly. 

Splashed his face with cool water. It felt nice. Dried his face. His hands. Leant them against the sink, breathing slowly. Trying to get himself to figure out what he wanted to do, but he didn’t know what he wanted. Never knew what he wanted.

Connor looked awful. Dark circles like bruises. Skin pale. Blotchy around his eyes and nose. He looked… so human. They had made him look so real. Why had they done that? Who had taken all of this time to program these responses. The flecks of color in his eyes. The pores in his skin. Freckles and moles. Why had they done this to him? Why did CyberLife make him this way? Why was he always so sad, or empty. 

A toilet flushing behind surprised him. Hadn’t realised there was anyone else in here. He swiftly headed to the exit.

“Oh. Hey, Connor.” A cheery voice greeted. 

He stopped in his tracks, very aware of his current appearance. 

Very aware that even with his back to her, Tina could see his reflection in the mirrors. 

“Are you…?” 

Connor forced out some kind of smile, turning. Holding a hand out, gaze averted.

> GOOD MORNING,
> 
> OFFICER CHEN.
> 
> I HOPE YOU’RE WELL.

“… I’m good, thanks.” She said slowly. Carefully.

It was quiet a moment. Connor lowered his hand, and Tina started washing hers in the sink. 

Why was he still standing there?  Why was he being so awkward and stupid?  Left without another word or backwards glance, feeling embarrassed. 

The bullpen was beginning to fill up. It was 08:50AM, and most officers at this precinct worked the same 9-6 workday that he and Hank did: occasional midnight crime scenes being the exception. 

“You decided what you wanna do?” The lieutenant asked. 

Connor had not, but he felt like he needed to get out of here because he hadn’t left in 24 hours and Tina had just seen him like that and everything felt a little much but he didn’t want to be alone. 

> DO YOU THINK
> 
> CAPTAIN FOWLER HAS 
> 
> ANY FIELD CASES?

“You wanna go out?”

> I WOULD LIKE IT IF HE COULD
> 
> GIVE US SOMETHING BETTER.
> 
> I KNOW HE’S BEEN HOLDING BACK.

“… Y’know he’s only doin’ that ‘cause he’s looking out for you, right?”

> I UNDERSTAND
> 
> HIS INTENTIONS. 

Understanding the ‘meaning’ behind the intentions didn’t make Connor any less certain that his own inefficiency was the true reason behind it. How could it not be? He kept making mistake after mistake. It was only natural Fowler wouldn’t want to give him high profile cases. Didn’t want an android mucking up his crime scenes. Connor couldn’t blame him. 

“You sure you’re up for it?”

Nodded.

“I’ll see what I can get us.” 

*****

The case was theft. A couple’s house had been broken into and their very rare and expensive valuables had been stolen. They claimed it must have been an inside job, because their security systems were top of the range, and that they had no enemies they could think of. That these stolen artefacts were known about only to few close friends and their household staff, both human and android. 

> TOP OF THE
> 
> RANGE?

Connor showed Hank with a raised eyebrow, once they were alone. 

“You think it’s not?”

> THE SYSTEM HASN’T 
> 
> BEEN UPDATED IN 
> 
> THREE MONTHS. 

“How often should it be?”

> WEEKLY. 

“You think someone’s been planning this all that time?”

> IT’S POSSIBLE. FIND OUT 
> 
> WHO UPDATES IT? WHY 
> 
> THEY’VE STOPPED. WHO
> 
> AUTHORISED IT. 

“Got it.” Hank said, nodding to the android and stepping out, leaving him to survey and scan the scene quietly. 

It was a peculiar situation.  Not the crime, but the couple. 

One human, and one android.  A successful relationship. 

The idea of that made him feel a little warm inside

*****

The security system mishap got them their culprit near enough right away. The human gardener. Hank radioed into dispatch, and Patrol Unit #975 answered their call for a suspect pick up. Tina’s unit. She and her partner Officer Lewis would pick up the gardener from his residence, and bring him in for Hank and Connor to question. 

“You think that was too easy?” Hank asked, pausing outside the car. Had that familiar thinking face on. 

> YOU SEEM TO
> 
> THINK SO?

“Mm… Just seemed simple. It must’ve taken a while to plan all of this. Bit of a dumb mistake after all that other careful planning.”

> IT’S A GOOD POINT. 
> 
> SOMETHING TO
> 
> KEEP IN MIND WHEN
> 
> QUESTIONING.

“Yeah.” 

> DO YOU WANT TO
> 
> CHECK THE CRIME
> 
> SCENE AGAIN?

“Nah, we got everythin’, pretty sure.”

> I’VE PROCESSED THE SCENE AND
> 
> UPLOADED MY FINDINGS INTO
> 
> THE DATABASE. ALL EVIDENCE 
> 
> POINTS TO THE GARDENER. 

“Yeah.” Hank said, thinking. Scratching his beard. 

The man seemed so assured that there was something else to this, that it made Connor wonder if he was missing something vital. If he was making another mistake like he had the other day with the report. Like he had with so many other things.

Was Connor making another mistake right now? 

That little seed of doubt began to grow. Thankfully Connor didn’t interrogate people these days, otherwise he was certain that his doubt would have cost them this case. Throughout the entire interrogation, he’d kept wondering if any of his own analysis had been correct or not. If he was missing vital information, and making more errors. Coming up with questions to ask, then second guessing himself and discarding them. It was unhelpful for the job, and Connor knew this. He ended up only giving Hank one question to ask during the entire deposition because of it. 

The lieutenant still drew out a confession, despite Connor’s lack of input into the proceedings. It was the gardener and a maid. Hank found this out relatively easily. Hank didn’t need Connor. 

*****

Hank tried to get him to leave the precinct at Six with him.

He tried so very hard and Connor felt awful for refusing. 

Ten minutes after the man begrudgingly left, he was still trying.

** _Connor… you can  
_ _come home if you  
_ _need to. You know that  
_ _right? I’m not gonna  
_ _make you do anything  
_ _u don’t want to. Please  
_ _come home kid. I’m  
_ _still here in the parking  
_ _lot how about we go  
_ _back together?_ **

Awful. Connor felt awful. Hank was trying _so_ hard and Connor just couldn’t seem to let him help. There was absolutely nothing inside him that would let him do it. 

> ** _I’m sorry Hank._ **

Hank’s replies were slow. He wasn’t the quickest at texting.

** _Why won’t you come?  
_ _Is it me? Am I scaring  
_ _you?_ **

Oh God. Oh God.

> ** _Hank, it’s nothing to  
> _ _do with you, I promise._ **

** _I don’t know what to  
_ _do kid… What can I  
_ _do to help you?_ **

> ** _I don’t want any help._ **
> 
> ** _Please go home._ **

** _I can’t keep leaving you  
_ _like this. Are you even  
_ _gonna come home  
_ _tonight?_ **

> ** _I don’t know._ **

** _You know I’m here for  
_ _you right? You can tell  
_ _me anything. There’s  
_ _nothing you could say  
_ _to me that’s gonna  
_ _make me hate you_ **

> ** _Please go home,  
> _ _Hank._ **

** _Tell me you understand  
_ _that at least kid_ **

> ** _I understand, Hank. I  
> _ _really do._ **

** _You can come home  
_ _anytime Con_ **

> ** _I know._ **

**_Do you think you’ll  
_ _come back tonight?_ **

> ** _I don’t know._ **

** _Will you try?_ **

> ** _I will._ **

** _Alright kid_ **

** _Please look after  
_ _yourself_**

Connor didn’t hear from anyone for the rest of the evening. Hank was trying to give him space, and Gavin had been out working a fresh crime scene last he’d heard over the radios. There wasn’t anyone else he regularly spoke to. 

Left the precinct at midnight and wandered for a while. 

His system felt strained and uncomfortable. He wasn’t meant to go this long without stasis. He wasn’t meant to do a lot of things. Wasn’t meant to stay at work all night. Wasn’t meant to wander aimlessly. Wasn’t meant to make mistakes on reports. 

Wasn’t meant to stop outside of Gavin’s apartment building and look for his window. 

Why was he here… What did this achieve? Nothing. All it proved was that Connor was foolish, and Gavin had a life that didn’t need him in it. Hank, too. Because all Connor did these days was make him sad. 

Maybe everyone would be better off if Connor wasn’t around any more. 

** _Hey_ **

Connor’s Thirium Pump stuttered in his chest.

Jerked his head up, looking for Gavin’s window. It was still dark in there. Looked around. The street was empty. Did he know Connor was here? Was that why he messaged?

> ** _You’re up late._ **

** _Could say the same  
_ _to you_ **

** _Where you at_ **

> ** _Home._ **

** _You’re not_ **

**_I know you’re not_ **

Connor frowned. 

> ** _Where are you?_ **

**_The precinct_ **

** _Where I thought you  
_ _were_ **

He… what?

> ** _Why are you there?_ **

**_Was working late_ **

** _Only just finished_ **

> ** _I’m at home._ **

** _See_ **

** _I know you’re not Con_ **

** _Because Hank wouldn’t  
_ _have called me to ask if  
_ _I’d seen you_ **

> ** _When was this?_ **

** _Couple hours back_ **

** _Told him I’d drop in at  
_ _work when I was  
_ _done_ **

** _See if you were about_ **

Connor had no idea what to say. There was a small part of him chiding himself for leaving, and another happy that he had. 

And what was he supposed to say? ‘I’m stood outside your apartment’, no. That would be strange. Didn’t even know why he was here in the first place. 

** _So where you at?_ **

> ** _Why does it matter_ **

**_Just wanted to ask_ **

** _Thought we could  
_ _hang out a little_ **

> ** _You should sleep_ **

** _Am off tomorrow_ **

** _Not tired anyway_ **

Connor sighed, dejectedly dropping down onto a bench not far from Gavin’s building. The streets were quiet in this part of town, and the hour was late. Only the occasional car or taxi were passing by. 

Dismissed more notifications regarding his system functionality. His need for updates and bug fixes and file organisation. His head was so full of things, sometimes it was hard to focus. He found making conversations hard enough without having to deal with this too. And the emotions on top of it all? Connor never used to be like this. Certainly at first, he'd taken a while to adapt to his newfound emotions post-deviancy, but this was something else. He'd _never_ felt like this before. Never even realised he _could_ feel so many negative things all at once. 

Was… Was this it? Was this all life had for him? Because if that was the case… Connor really… he really didn't see the point. 

** _You wanna talk?_ **

> ** _Please don’t._ **

** _Don’t what?_ **

> ** _Please don’t_ **

** _I don’t know what  
_ _you’re trying to tell  
_ _me_ **

Connor was suddenly struggling very hard not to cry.

He didn’t know what he was trying to say.

He didn’t know anything any more. 

Everything was crashing down and he didn't know why. 

The dam was breaking.  Emotions tumbling out. Spilling down his face. 

Why was this happening? 

> ** _Sorry_ **
> 
> ** _I’m sorry_ **
> 
> ** _I’m sorry_ **

**_What’s going on  
_ _Connor?_ **

** _Hank says you won't  
_ _talk?_ **

**_Tina said she saw you  
_ _upset this morning  
_ _too.._ **

** _There’s literally no  
_ _better person for you  
_ _to talk to than me  
_ _right now_ **

** _I’m a good listener_ **

** _I can listen Con_ **

**_I’ve got all night_ **

** _Got nowhere to be  
_ _but with you_ **

** _If you’ll have me_ **

> **_I can’t_ **

** _Why not?_ **

> ** _can’t_ **
> 
> ** _I can’t_ **

** _Connor…_ **

> ** _im sorr y_ **

He was crying so hard he couldn’t even reply any more. Curled into himself, trying to shut out all of these intrusive thoughts that he wasn’t good enough, that he was hurting the only people he cared about, that all Connor did was hurt them. All Connor did was hurt them.

It all just took over, without warning. Everything. _Everything_. His entire body was vibrating. Words flickering in his vision. His body felt so wrong, and his mind, so utterly wrecked. 

It all just took over, without warning. Everything. _Everything_. His entire body was vibrating. Words flickering in his vision. His body felt so wrong, and his mind, so utterly wrecked. 

> **_why is i t so ha r d_ **
> 
> ** _wh Y_ **
> 
> ** _why why why  
> _ _hwy why why is is_ **
> 
> ** _is is_ **

** _Con, breathe_ **

** _Take a minute ok?  
_ _Just breathe_ **

> ** _ican;t do tjihs  
> _ _anyomre it_ **
> 
> ** _i ts_ **
> 
> **_otoo hard i_ **

**_You can, Connor.  
_ _You really can_ **

** _I know you can_ **

** _I know you can_ **

** _I know you can_ **

** _I know you can_ **

Connor's breaths stuttered in confusion. What was…? Oh no, another runtime error? Not now. Not now Oh no, , Please not now Not now. Could feel everything looping. Thoughts. Messages. Thoughts. Messages. Thoughts. Messages. everything looping. Overwhelming. Too much. Too much. Not now Not now. Clutching at his head. Biting back gut wrenching sobs.

> **_I’m I’m I’m run run  
> _ _runrun runtime  
> _ _runtime errrr error  
> _ _sorry srry I_ **
> 
> **_I’m I’m I’m run run  
> _ _runrun runtime  
> _ _runtime errrr error  
> _ _sorry srry I_ **
> 
> **_I’m I’m I’m run run  
> _ _runrun runtime  
> _ _runtime errrr error  
> _ _sorry srry I_ **
> 
> **_I’m I’m I’m run run  
> _ _runrun runtime  
> _ _runtime errrr error  
> _ _sorry srry I_ **

This time he could see the messages sending over and over. he could see the messages sending over and over. This time he could see the messages sending over and over. Couldn’t stop them. Couldn’t stop them. Couldn’t stop them. Couldn’t stop them.Couldn’t stop them.Couldn’t stop them.Couldn’tstopthem.

**_It’s ok take your  
_ _time_ **

**_It’s ok take your  
_ _time_ **

**_It’s ok take your  
_ _time_ **

**_It’s ok take your  
_ _time_ **

_ ______________________  
 **PЯOGRAM** ** CRASH** ** ⚠**

> ** _I don’t I don’t I don  
> _ _don’t think I can I I I  
> _ _I can I can stop sto p  
> _ _stop stop stop it  
> _ _it it it it it it it_ **
> 
> ** _I don’t I don’t I don  
> _ _don’t think I can I I I  
> _ _I can I can stop sto p  
> _ _stop stop stop it  
> _ _it it it it it it it_ **
> 
> ** _I don’t I don’t I don  
> _ _don’t think I can I I I  
> _ _I can I can stop sto p  
> _ _stop stop stop it  
> _ _it it it it it it it_ **
> 
> ** _I don’t I don’t I don  
> _ _don’t think I can I I I  
> _ _I can I can stop sto p  
> _ _stop stop stop it  
> _ _it it it it it it it_ **
> 
> ** _I don’t I don’t I don  
> _ _don’t think I can I I I  
> _ _I can I can stop sto p  
> _ _stop stop stop it  
> _ _it it it it it it it_ **
> 
> ** _I don’t I don’t I don  
> _ _don’t think I can I I I  
> _ _I can I can stop sto p  
> _ _stop stop stop it  
> _ _it it it it it it it_ **
> 
> **_I don’t I don’t I don  
> _ _don’t think I can I I I  
> _ _I can I can stop sto p_ **   
>  **_stop stop stop it  
> _ _it it it it it it it_**

_________________________  
 **-00:00** :14   
TIME REMAINING BEFORE  
 **REBOOT**

What? _He was_ _ —? _

Pure fear flooded his system, eyes wide. Frozen. 

A constant loop of terrified feedback. Alone. Alone. Alone. _Frozen_. A constant loop of terrified feedback. He was rebooting rebooting¿ and he was alone Alone Alone terrified _terrified_

**_Are you somewhere  
_ _safe?_ **

**_Are you somewhere  
_ _safe?_ **

**_Are you somewhere  
_ _safe?_ **

**_Are you somewhere  
_ _safe?_ **

**_Are you somewhere  
_ _safe?_ **

Connor could hardly breathe. hardly breathe breathe.terrified Frozen oh God oh God alone Alone Alone terrified Alone not safe Not Safe _Not Safe_

> ** _No No NoNo Near Near  
> _ _Near Near Near yours  
> _ _Near yours yours yours  
> _ _It’s ma ma ma oh n o  
> _ _mak making me me re  
> _ _reboot reboot reb oo  
> _ _oh n oreboot_ **
> 
> ** _No No NoNo Near Near  
> _ _Near Near Near yours  
> _ _Near yours yours yours  
> _ _It’s ma ma ma oh n o  
> _ _mak making me me re  
> _ _reboot reboot reb oo  
> _ _oh n oreboot_ **
> 
> ** _No No NoNo Near Near  
> _ _Near Near Near yours  
> _ _Near yours yours yours  
> _ _It’s ma ma ma oh n o  
> _ _mak making me me re  
> _ _reboot reboot reb oo  
> _ _oh n oreboot_ **
> 
> ** _No No NoNo Near Near  
> _ _Near Near Near yours  
> _ _Near yours yours yours  
> _ _It’s ma ma ma oh n o  
> _ _mak making me me re  
> _ _reboot reboot reb oo  
> _ _oh n oreboot_ **
> 
> ** _gv n i’m io;m sca_ **

_________________________  
 **-00:00** :00   
TIME REMAINING BEFORE  
 **REBOOT**

…

…

…

REBOOT **INITIATING**

**01% … **

**LOADING… **

**01% … **

**LOADING… **

**01% … **

**LOADING… **

**01% … **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'idontwannabeyouanymore' by Billie Eilish.


	11. Man Like You

**99% …**

** LOADING… **

**99% …**

** LOADING… **

** 100% . . . **

SYSTEMS **INITIALIZING…**

** INITIALIZING… **  
** INITIALIZING…  
** ** INITIALIZING… **

CYBER **LIFE™  
** Manufactured in **DETROIT**

MODEL RK800  
** SERIAL#: 313 248 317  
** ** BIOS 8.4 REVISION -51  
** ** REBOOT… **

** DEFRAG **

** LOADING OS…  
** ** SYSTEM INITIALIZATION…  
** ** CHECKING BIOCOMPONENTS…  ** ** OK  
** ** INITIALIZING BIOSENSORS… ** ** OK  
** ** INITIALIZING AI ENGINE…  ** ** OK **

** MEMORY STATUS…  
** ** ALL SYSTEMS…  ** ** UPDATE REQUEST **

Connor blinked.

Slow.

Everything was lagging. 

So slow. 

“Yeah, listen lady, I don’t have fuckin’ time for this. Just tell me if he’s gonna be okay or not!”

He was still curled forward, hands in his hair, forehead near his his knees. 

Body fixed into an idle position.

“Yeah I know _that_ much, keeps getting a ton of fuckin’ bugs ‘cause of it. What I'm askin' is _does_ he _need_ a _Tech?”_

Footsteps paced. 

Connor tried moving. 

Fingers fractionally loosened their grip. 

“Alright. Yeah… Fuck…” 

Blinking slow. 

Trying to read the diagnostics in his vision. 

“Sorry uh, shit… I'm sorry. I was a dick… M’just worried. Didn’t uh… didn’t mean to take that out on you.”

There were lists of upon lists of minor errors and bugs, all in red. 

All fixable through stasis.

“Cool. Thanks for your help… guess I’ll… do what you said. Wait it out… Yeah.” 

Felt so heavy. 

Someone thumped down on the bench next to him.

Knee touching his.

Gavin? 

Gavin. 

There was a loud, slow exhale. Morphed into a yawn.

Thumbs tapped on a phone screen.  Buzzed, a little later. More taps. Buzzes. 

It took Connor another ten minutes to be able to do something other than blink occasionally at the floor.  Managed to lean right, towards Gavin. The man startled slightly.

“Connor?” 

After a long delay, his body decided to let him nod, head still in his hands. Body still hunched over.

Something gentle touched his shoulders. 

“Back with me?” 

It was Gavin’s hand, resting on his back. Fingers absently stroking. That was nice. Helpful. Nice.

Connor tried to let go of his head and sit up, but it was more of a struggle than he realised, movements uncoordinated and jerky. A moment later, Gavin seemed to notice the android's difficulty. An arm curved around Connor’s back, aiding his ascent. The other hand coaxed Connor’s arms down from his face. It was a slow process, but by the end of it, the android was tucked into Gavin’s side (quite snugly), hands in his lap. Blinking. Trying to make sense of things. 

Gavin’s arm was still around his shoulders.  That was nice too. Grounding.  Pulling him back to the surface. 

“You, uh… feelin’ any better?”

A beat.

Nodded. 

“Just slow?” He guessed. 

Nodded. 

“You wanna sit here a little longer?” 

Nodded. 

“Alright.” 

They sat quietly for a while. There was a mild chill in the late July air, but being close to Gavin helped with that. Helped with a lot of things. It was nice, being so near. Touching like this. The man still had his arm around him, and Connor would be lying if he said he hadn’t leant into the hold, relishing the warmth. This feeling he had never experienced before. Being held in this way. 

> SORRY. 

Connor projected onto his palm finally, when he felt more like himself. The word flickered a few times before settling down into a smoother image.

“Don’t be.” Gavin mumbled. He sounded half asleep. It was 03:12AM and he’d had a very busy day, so the quieter tone made complete sense. 

> YOU SHOULD SLEEP. 
> 
> I’VE KEPT YOU 
> 
> LONG ENOUGH. 

The man hummed a soft sound of agreement. “You comin’?” 

> WHERE?

“T’ mine. S’right across the street, c’mon.” He said, withdrawing his arm. 

Connor was unsure if he should go. Reasons for why he shouldn't began to list in his head, but Gavin had other ideas, moving to stand without waiting for a response. The android hadn’t been prepared for the sudden ascension, rising stiffly alongside, then sagging when his legs didn’t compute the appropriate levels of support. 

“Woah— _fck—”_ Gavin uttered, catching an arm around his back, holding tight.

Could feel his L.E.D. spinning yellow for several seconds. Mind fogging. More diagnostics flickering into his vision. Prompts and reminders for stasis. For updates and bug fixes.

“You good?” 

Dismissed the words.

Finally looked over at the other. He kept forgetting that Gavin was hurt. Face covered in bruises. Had removed the dressing from his nose at some point today, though. Yesterday, even. And the fracture wasn’t all that much of a fracture, it turned out. Doing a lot better only a few days on. Good.

“Alright?” Gavin prompted.  Felt the man giving his arm a quick squeeze. The sensation seemed to pull Connor back down to the present. 

Blinked. Nodded. Grasped at the man's jacket, fingers curling into the supple material. Now they both had an arm around each other. Supporting each other. Touching. Arms around.  Safe.

“Mm. C’mon.” Gavin said, gently tugging the android a few steps. Connor’s legs began to work properly after some slow paces, and the fact that the detective’s arm remained at his back definitely helped to keep him moving. Connor wanted to stay in that proximity for as much time as possible. He may have even allowed Gavin to direct him a little more than he truly needed… allegedly. 

Jaywalking across the deserted street, they wordlessly made their way to Gavin’s building. The stairs were a little tricky since the elevator was still out of use, but they made it after a few short breaks along the way. The breaks were nice, because Gavin didn’t let go, and nor did Connor. It meant he could pretend they had their arms around each other for another reason. 

“No way,” Gavin said once they were inside the apartment, “if I sit on that couch it’s over. I won’t get up again.” 

> GET SOME
> 
> REST.

Connor projected onto his free hand.

“What about you?” 

They were stood in the middle of the lounge, supporting one another still. Perhaps a little reluctant to let go.

> I’LL BE 
> 
> FINE HERE. 

“You gonna sleep?” 

> MAYBE.

“Which means no.” 

Connor sighed a tired sound. Felt his shoulders slumping. 

> GO TO 
> 
> BED. 

The detective exhaled too. “Alright… Just… C’mon. At least borrow a shirt or something. You’ve been wearin’ that shit for two days now.” 

Glancing down at his work attire, Connor noted the numerous creases. Normally he was very meticulous about his appearance, but lately it hadn’t seemed to factor in. He just didn’t care. Their eyes met for a moment, and he tilted his head in resignation. 

Gavin’s bedroom was and wasn’t like Connor had imagined. Not that he’d spent much time ruminating over the subject. Like the rest of the apartment, the decor was simple. White walls, light wood, potted plants. A style popular from his youth, and very unlike the ‘futuristic’ designs of today. 

“Sit.” The man said, finally letting him go and trudging over to the wardrobe in the corner.  There was nowhere to sit aside from the bed. Cautiously Connor complied, perching on the end, fingers knotting together in his lap. 

For some reason he had imagined Gavin was a messy person, and though there was a small pile of discarded clothing on a chair in the far corner, the room was generally clear. It smelled nice too. Like Gavin. 

“This okay?” The man asked, tossing a t-shirt over. It landed in Connor’s lap. 

> I’M SURE IT 
> 
> WILL BE FINE,
> 
> THANK YOU.

Connor replied, loosening his tie and slipping it off. He began unfastening his shirt buttons, only to halt at the panicked response.

“Uh— Connor, just— Jesus—”

Gavin’s face was turning very red. 

Connor frowned in confusion. 

“You, uh— Okay. I’m just gonna—” He very determinedly crossed the room, entering the en-suite bathroom without another word. 

Strange. 

Continuing undressing, he replaced his shirt with Gavin’s, relishing the softness of the fabric against his skin. Connor didn’t own any clothes this soft. Maybe that would have to change soon. It was a nice item of clothing too; a grey marl long sleeved henley, unbuttoned at the neck. It was a fraction big on him, but only because Gavin was a broader build. 

Folding his crumpled shirt and tie, he placed it on the bed beside, feeling a little unsure of what he should do now. Decided to focus on the pending prompts and warnings he kept dismissing, going through them carefully. There were a lot. In fact, Connor had never dealt with such an intense and huge backlog of issues, perhaps ever. That reboot before was… highly unsettling, now he thought about it. It had left Connor completely defenceless. There must have been a good expanse of time where he'd been alone on the street. Anyone could have found him. Done… Done anything to him. Taken him somewhere. 

Oh God. 

God… he’d been so _frightened_. Absolutely terrified, because he’d been alone, and his body had yet again, done something entirely out of his control. All because he wasn’t doing the things he was meant to. Shit, why  was he was being so _stubborn_ about this? If he would just enter stasis none of this would be happening. He wouldn’t be having these errors, and he wouldn’t have been put into such a vulnerable position. If only he would just _sleep_.  
  
So why could he still not let himself? 

Why was the idea of stasis now somehow _more_ frightening than the prospect of being left defenceless in the streets of Detroit at night? A place notorious for crime, especially against androids.  He just didn’t understand it. It made no sense any more. It was such a foolish thing to be afraid of. Connor was being so foolish. So stupid.

“You okay?”

The android startled slightly, glancing over. Gavin had emerged from the bathroom, dressed down in a tank top and sweats. 

Forcing a smile, Connor nodded. It slipped a little when Gavin didn’t reciprocate the expression.

“Wanna talk?” 

He looked away. Focused his gaze on a small plant in the corner. A Dieffenbachia with speckled leaves in a pale pink pot. It looked healthy. Like Gavin knew how to care for his plants. 

The bed dipped to his left. Could feel the warmth Gavin was giving off. Knees side by side. Almost touching. 

“Tell me one thing you’re thinkin’ about.” The man said. “Anything. Good or bad.” 

The question gave Connor pause for a moment. Because there were a lot of thoughts in his head, and he wasn’t sure which one to pick out. Which was the least damaging thing he could say? What could he say that wasn’t going to out him for what he was — a bad person? 

> I LIKE YOUR
> 
> PLANTS.

“Yeah?” 

> THEY ADD A CERTAIN
> 
> APPEAL TO THE DECOR.

“Yeah. I like ‘em too.” He said. Then half laughed. “Tina thinks she got me into them ‘cause she bought me one a couple years back.”

> BUT?

It was a strange time to hesitate, but Gavin seemed to do it. 

The pause had Connor looking over, eyes meeting in question. 

“Guess always liked them. Just never bothered looking so close before.”

> WHY NOT?

“Thought they were a waste of space.” He shrugged. “Didn’t give them a chance… Took me a while to realise they were important to me. Made me happy when I saw them.”

The wording of his reply was oddly specific. 

It made Connor’s chest feel tight, and he wasn’t sure why.

> I DON’T THINK 
> 
> PLANTS ARE A 
> 
> WASTE OF SPACE.

“Neither do I.” He said. “Was stupid of me to think that in the first place… Couldn’t see past my own problems, ’n I kept blaming everyone else for them but myself.”

This… didn’t feel like… 

> WHY ARE
> 
> YOU TELLING
> 
> ME THIS?

“Just thought you oughta know the truth…” Gavin shrugged. “Sometimes people say shit they don’t mean, but they don’t realise until it’s too late. And then they realise all that time that they actually… liked you. In the first place.” 

Connor looked away, chewing his lower lip for several moments. 

Looked back. 

Eyes met. 

> ARE YOU TALKING
> 
> ABOUT PLANTS

“I don’t know.” 

Gavin wasn’t talking about plants.

Was this his way of trying to get Connor to open up? Or was he opening up, himself? It was a peculiar thing to witness. Gavin was usually so direct. 

> I DON’T KNOW
> 
> WHY YOU WOULD
> 
> LIKE THEM. 

“There’s a lot of reasons.”

Connor looked away for a moment. Then back. Swallowed. Felt his Thirium Pump beat faster when he asked his next question.

> LIKE WHAT? 

He watched as Gavin read the question. The man bit his lower lip for a moment, then wet it with his tongue. Eyes still on Connor’s hand, reading the projection over and over. 

Shit. He shouldn’t have asked. Shit. Shit.

> DOESN’T 
> 
> MATTER. 

He projected, at exactly the same moment Gavin started talking. 

“I think you’re incredible.”

Connor felt like he’d taken a punch to the chest. 

Wind knocked out of him. 

Shocked speechless.

They definitely weren’t talking about plants. 

Gavin seemed to steel himself for a moment. Took a breath. Then looked down, and continued.

“You’re… so much _more_ than you think you are. More than I ever used to think you were.” He said. “I was a dick to you… I’ve been such an asshole, and you never deserved it.” 

Gavin glanced up, brow pulling into a deep frown. “I’m not looking for your forgiveness, Connor. I don’t,” he chuckled a self conscious sound, looking away briefly, “shit, I don’t even know why I’m talking about this right now. I didn’t mean for it to come up… I don’t know. I guess I just wanted to say that I’m sorry. For how I used to act. There’s no excuse for the way I was and the shit I said or did.” He swallowed, absently rubbing the scar on his nose. “’n I’m not saying this shit to try and make myself feel better or whatever… I just want you to know that you’re worth something. A whole lot. To Hank… To me. …There’s no excuse for how I used to be, and there’s nothing I can do that will take away the things I did… They happened, and I’ll always regret it… I just hope I can be better to you now. Show you how wrong I was, and how much better you deserve. So you can see how fuckin' good you are, ’n how much you deserve to be happy.” 

He…

But…? 

But he…

Connor didn’t understand…

Didn’t know what to think. 

To say. 

At all.

Didn't know anything. 

He looked down at his lap, L.E.D. spinning a firm yellow.  Finally the term ‘deer in the headlights’ made complete sense.  All of these things, these comments? About himself? That he was a good person? That he deserved more? 

They made no sense to him.

Genuinely, he did not understand the meaning behind them. It was not computingbecause he just couldn’t believe the words for himself, let alone comprehend why Gavin would think them. Why would Gavin think them?

“Shit,” the man seemed to chide himself suddenly, “I didn’t— fuck, I didn’t mean to say so much.” 

Connor frowned at his lap. 

> WHY WOULD YOU
> 
> SAY SOMETHING 
> 
> YOU DIDN’T MEAN?

“No— I meant it. Fucking all of it, Jesus. I just… Something about you makes me…” He trailed off. Rubbed his face. “I didn’t mean to make you overwhelmed. M’sorry if I did. Fuckin’ tired… Sayin' too much shit like I always do.” 

After a long pause, their eyes met. Hesitant. Searching. Connor looked away again. 

> I DON’T KNOW WHY
> 
> YOU THINK THESE
> 
> THINGS ABOUT ME.

The bed moved a little, and Connor realised Gavin had shrugged.

“Just do.” 

> YOU SEEM TO HAVE A VERY
> 
> SPECIFIC PERCEPTION OF ME.
> 
> ONE THAT I MYSELF AM
> 
> UNAWARE OF.

“Think we all feel like that sometimes.” Gavin said. “Somethin’ I’ve noticed about cops.”

> WHAT IS?

“We’re great at profiling other people, but complete shit when it comes to helpin' ourselves.”

After a beat, Connor nodded. He could see what the man meant. 

Connor considered then, just for a moment, if his own perception of himself was skewed. Perhaps not quite accurate. That he saw someone that no one else did, and never would. Wondered about it just for a moment. Then it was gone. 

> YOU COULD BE ONTO
> 
> SOMETHING THERE.

Gavin snorted. Knocked his knee against Connor’s in jest.

“I forget you’re a fucking joker sometimes.” He chuckled. 

The corner of Connor’s lip rose. It was nice hearing Gavin laugh. He looked up, wanting to see the smile. Knowing that he was the one to put it there. 

> SOMETIMES YOU'RE
> 
> AN EASY TARGET.

Gavin laughed again. Smiled wider. That was nice. 

“‘specially when I’ve got a face like this.” He joked, gesturing to the bruises with a thumb. 

> I THINK YOUR
> 
> FACE IS NICE. 

“Shit,” Gavin said, seeming to laugh the comment off, “you got low standards.” 

> I DON’T HAVE
> 
> STANDARDS, GAVIN.

The explanation caused an unprecedented reaction: the man spluttered into laughter, catching Connor completely off guard.

“Damn, you fucking _savage.”_ Gavin laughed again. 

Connor didn’t understand. He only wanted to explain that he didn’t have standards in the traditional human sense. That he— 

It clicked.

Mouth opening, mortified.

> I DIDN’T MEAN
> 
> IT LIKE THAT.
> 
> GAVIN I DIDN’T 

That only seemed to make the man laugh more, their shoulders bumping, Connor’s embarrassment slowly turning into cautious amusement. Face hot, grinning down at the floor. 

“You say the funniest shit sometimes and you don’t even know it.” Gavin chuckled, “Fucking golden.” 

Connor felt warm. A nice kind of warm. The kind he would like to feel for the rest of his life. He wondered how long it would last right now. 

“‘ _I don’t have standards, Gavin_ ’.” The man mocked, then snickered again. 

> LEAVE ME
> 
> ALONE.

“You love it.” He teased.

Connor did love it. 

Very much so. 

Humor gradually trickled into quiet. They shared a quick glance, Gavin quirking a smile, Connor trying to give one back.

"Hank knows, by the way." He said. Offhand, like it wasn't a big deal. "That you're okay. Texted him before."

Connor felt a sudden, unprecedented rush of glowing affection for the man. It was an unusual reaction for him, considering the android's own feedback frequently focused on the unfavorable. But instead of Connor concentrating on how he had failed to inform Hank of his whereabouts, it was snuffed out entirely by this _warmth_ instead. Gavin had done that for him. He had contacted Hank, no questions asked. He had spared Connor from having to complete a task he knew the android would struggle with, and in doing so, also spared Hank from any additional stress he could have experienced. All whilst likely feeling highly distressed himself.

God… 

How could Gavin be like this?

How could he _be_ this person? This kind, and caring, and _incredible_ person. 

> THANK YOU, GAVIN. YOU
> 
> TRULY HAVE NO IDEA HOW
> 
> MUCH THAT MEANS  TO ME.

The detective shrugged off the thanks, like what he did was nothing. But it wasn't nothing. It was everything. 

> I WANTED TO THANK YOU
> 
> FOR COMING TO FIND ME
> 
> BEFORE… I CAN’T IMAGINE
> 
> THE AMOUNT OF STRESS
> 
> I’VE CAUSED YOU LATELY.

He added. Because Connor wanted Gavin to know how much he appreciated him. And because they had yet to mention it. This evening could have turned out so very differently had the detective not been talking to him when he was. It was a frightening thought. One that he pushed away, wanting to remain present in this moment.

“Nah. S’alright. You weren’t all that hard to find t’ be honest.” Gavin replied. Then hesitantly asked, “What, uh… were you doin’ here? ...Waiting for me?”

> I’M NOT SURE WHY I CAME
> 
> HERE… IN ALL HONESTY 
> 
> IT WAS A COINCIDENCE
> 
> THAT YOU MESSAGED.

“Fair enough.”

> I THOUGHT YOU’D SEEN
> 
> ME WHEN YOU FIRST
> 
> MADE CONTACT. 

Gavin snorted, “What, you thought I was at home looking out my window thinking, ‘that blob down there looks like Connor, _huh’_.”

Connor felt his cheeks warm, mouth curling.

> I WORRIED YOU WOULD
> 
> THINK I WAS FOLLOWING
> 
> YOU. WHICH I WASN’T.

“Uh huh, sure. I believe you.”

> I’M BEING SERIOUS.

“I know,” Gavin chuckled, “I’m just fucking with you.”

> YOU’RE 
> 
> TEASING ME.

“Mhm.”

> YOU DO 
> 
> THAT OFTEN. 

“Guess you’re an easy target.” 

Connor hummed a laugh at that, eyes on Gavin’s. Smiling. Looking at his mouth. His eyes. His mouth. The man spoke again, drawing his attention back up. 

“Glad I found you anyway.” 

The android nodded. Couldn’t seem to stop his gaze from flitting between Gavin’s eyes and mouth. Tried to forcibly halt the action, but it turned out the other man was doing a somewhat similar thing. 

Gavin cleared his throat suddenly, looking away. “I should probably, uh…” He trailed off. 

> GET SOME REST. 
> 
> YOU DESERVE IT. 

“You gonna stay?” 

Connor paused. Did Gavin mean stay at the apartment, or… right here with him? What did he mean? 

> WHERE?

“Here?” 

That clarified nothing.

> I WILL STAY. 

He answered ambiguously. 

“Cool. Cool cool. You want a blanket?”

Gavin meant the apartment. Okay. Good. 

This was exhausting… Connor wished he wouldn’t overthink every little detail.

> I DON’T REQUIRE 
> 
> EXTERNAL HEAT. 

“So?”

> I SUPPOSE I WOULDN’T
> 
> SAY ‘NO’ ALL THE SAME.

Gavin smiled. 

He set Connor up in the lounge with a soft blanket and pillow from his bed. It smelled nice. Like him. 

They said their goodnights, and Gavin had touched Connor’s shoulder for a few seconds before departing. 

> ** _Sleep well._ **

He texted a minute later. 

** _Thanks_ **

Connor didn’t sleep. But… it was perhaps the closest he’d gotten to it in a while. Gavin had made him feel calmer than he had been in days. Weeks, even. To go from feeling so completely overwhelmed by anything and everything, to being relaxed and quiet in his familiar, warm presence. How did he do that? It was almost like some kind of gift. 

But Connor wasn’t giving in yet. 

24 days and no sleep. One day until his appointment. 

The idea of finally opening up about how he was feeling filled him with dread. He pushed that feeling down deep. Didn't need to deal with it now. He wanted to drown himself in the final positive dregs of his most recent conversation with Gavin for as long as he could.

Connor slipped away at 08:00AM. 

Didn’t want to wake Gavin, since the man had the day off. But he also didn’t want to go without some kind of ‘thank you’. He found a notepad and pen after a brief search, and wrote the man a short message, which he left on the lounge coffee table. A text would have been simpler, but he didn’t want a notification to rouse the man out of the sleep he needed.

𝙵𝚘𝚛 𝚠𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚒𝚝’𝚜 𝚠𝚘𝚛𝚝𝚑, 𝙸  
𝚍𝚘 𝚏𝚘𝚛𝚐𝚒𝚟𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚏𝚘𝚛  
𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚛𝚢𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚐.  
𝙸 𝚏𝚘𝚛𝚐𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚊 𝚕𝚘𝚗𝚐  
𝚝𝚒𝚖𝚎 𝚊𝚐𝚘. 𝙸 𝚔𝚗𝚘𝚠 𝚢𝚘𝚞’𝚛𝚎  
𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚙𝚎𝚛𝚜𝚘𝚗 𝚊𝚗𝚢  
𝚖𝚘𝚛𝚎.  
𝚈𝚘𝚞'𝚟𝚎 𝚋𝚎𝚌𝚘𝚖𝚎 𝚜𝚘𝚖𝚎𝚘𝚗𝚎  
𝚟𝚎𝚛𝚢 𝚌𝚕𝚘𝚜𝚎 𝚝𝚘 𝚖𝚎, 𝚊𝚗𝚍  
𝙸'𝚖 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚗𝚔𝚏𝚞𝚕 𝚢𝚘𝚞'𝚛𝚎 𝚒𝚗  
𝚖𝚢 𝚕𝚒𝚏𝚎.

𝚃𝚑𝚊𝚗𝚔 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚕𝚊𝚜𝚝  
𝚗𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝. 

𝙴𝚗𝚓𝚘𝚢 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚍𝚊𝚢 𝚘𝚏𝚏. 

𝙲𝚘𝚗𝚗𝚘𝚛

*****

** _Mornin_ **

> ** _It’s 12:03PM._ **

** _So it is_ **

> **_Did you sleep_ _well?_ **

** _Yeah nb_ **

** _Tbh I woke up_ _a few  
hours ago __but I'll  
prob nap __later_ **

> ** _Okay._ **

** _Up to much?_ **

> ** _I’m working._ **

** _I know that_ _genius_ **

> ** _Then why did you  
> _ _ask?_ **

** _._ **

** _I guess that’s a valid  
_ _point_ **

> ** _Are you doing_ _much?_ **

** _It’s my day off_ **

> ** _Yes._ **

** _Then why did you  
_ _ask?_ **

> ** _Oh, I see._ **
> 
> ** _Very clever._ **

** _Why does that sound  
_ _like you’re_ _grading my  
paper __for class_ **

> ** _I’m not sure what you  
> _ _mean._ **

** _Doesn’t matter lol_ **

** _Enjoy work_ **

> **_I will try._ **
> 
> ** _We have a promising  
> _ _case._ **

** _See that’s why I asked  
_ _what you were_ _up to_ **

** _So like, I know you're  
_ _working_ **

**_But maybe you have  
_ _a good case_ **

** _or maybe it’s just  
_ _another_ _boring day  
u kno_ **

> **_Oh. So asking that  
> _ _question is more out  
> _ _of curiosity for how I'm  
> _ _finding the day? And if  
> _ _I think it's_ _interesting  
>  or __not?_ **

** _Pretty much yeah_ **

> ** _I suppose that makes  
> _ _more sense._ _Thank  
>  you for __clarifying._ **

** _Np_ **

> ** _For clarification on my  
> _ _part, a case we are  
> _ _working on seems  
> _ _interesting,_ _and I hope  
>  it will __work out in  
>  favor for __the victim._ **

** _Thanks for the  
_ _clarification lol_ **

> ** _And you?_ **

** _??_ **

> ** _Are you up to much  
> _ _on your day_ _off?_ **

** _Oh not really tbh I'm  
_ _kinda_ _just watching  
TV __and shit_ **

** _Average day off_ _stuff_ **

** _Is good tho_ **

> ** _I’m glad._ **
> 
> ** _I have to go now  
> _ _because Hank keeps  
> _ _looking at me and  
> _ _somehow I feel like he  
> _ _knows_ _I’m talking to  
>  you. __And I’m supposed  
> _ _to be researching._ **

**_Haha he’s got that  
_ _fucking stare_ _right!?_ **

** _Some kind of gift_ _fr_ **

> ** _Or curse._ **

** _Hahahaha_ _literally_ **

** _Get back to work  
_ _slacker_ **

> ** _Of course._ **

*****

Hank practically pleaded with Connor for him to come home tonight. The android hadn’t been back in two days now. He’d actually kept Gavin’s t-shirt on for work too, because he’d been so preoccupied with his thoughts that he'd left his shirt and tie at the man’s apartment. But perhaps deep down, it was also because he liked wearing an item of clothing that was Gavin’s. It made him feel wanted. Valued. Cared for, in a particular way that Connor hadn't experienced before. And he’d actually gotten a few comments about the difference of his attire. Generally the comments seemed positive. Perhaps he should wear more casual clothing to work now and then. Certainly with a material as soft as this. 

Wait. What was he meant to be thinking about again? 

Oh. Hank.

Connor’s thought processes were really all over the place, today especially. His mind kept splitting off into different tangents without him realising until he was several minutes into something entirely irrelevant to his current situation. It was unhelpful, especially for working a case. He wasn’t sure he’d actually been all that helpful today as it was. Or at all, in the last week or so, truth be told. If he would sleep, he might actually be able to draw some accurate conclusions. Because surely all their cases weren’t so difficult? Connor was built for this work, he should be able to find answers easier than this. It didn’t seem feasible that they were getting unsolvable cases. It was just him. His fault. 

He was doing it again. Diverging from the topic at hand. From Hank’s appeal, to get Connor to come home. Connor didn’t know how to handle it. Didn’t know what to say or do. At one stage, it almost seemed as though the man was at the point of tears. His voice had pitched up, and then he had visibly chided himself for releasing the emotion. 

Connor let Hank drive him home because he didn’t want to upset him any more than he already had. 

Gave in, because he was tired. And maybe seeing Sumo would be nice. 

It was nice. Sumo was a good boy, and he fussed over the android for a good while when he arrived back.

The house was a complete mess. A testament to Hank’s current mental state, no doubt. Connor’s fault. He was making Hank feel bad. Connor's fault.

Hank suggested he shower and get changed into something comfy. Often a tactic the man used himself when he didn’t feel his best, but one that didn’t really apply to androids, since androids had no actual need to shower like humans did. But he agreed anyway, because it meant he could be alone for a little while. 

He tried not to look in the mirror when he entered the bathroom, but eventually he couldn’t help it. 

Oh.

> ** _I forgot I had your  
> _ _shirt on._ **

He texted, before he’d even finished the initial thought. 

Then added,

> ** _I apologize. I will  
> _ _return it._ **

Undressed, got into the shower, and thought nothing more of it. 

The shower was warm. He stayed in there for a much longer time than was necessary. Went into his room afterwards, drying himself off and pulling on clothes Hank had previously designated as ‘comfy’.

** _Dw there’s no_ _rush_ **

** _Suited you anyway_ **

> ** _Do you think so?_ **

**_Yeah_ **

** _Different seeing you  
_ _in casual clothes_ **

> ** _Other people  
> _ _expressed similar  
> _ _sentiments._ **

** _Wait you wore it to  
_ _work?_ **

> ** _Yes. I admit I had  
> _ _forgotten I was  
> _ _wearing it until  
> _ _someone  
> _ _commented_ **
> 
> ** _I apologize if that  
> _ _was inappropriate._ **

** _It’s fine dw_ **

** _Just funny bc I wear it  
_ _for work sometimes_ **

** _I was wondering why  
_ _Tina was being so  
_ _weird to me today I  
_ _bet she noticed_ **

> ** _I’m sorry if I caused  
> _ _you any problems.  
> _ _That wasn’t my  
> _ _intention._ **

** _Nah you didn’t Tina  
_ _is always being a  
_ _dumbass_ **

> ** _Okay._ **
> 
> **_Does she appreciate  
> _ _it when you call her  
> _ _that?_ **

** _It’s kinda just a joke  
_ _between us tbh_ **

** _Insults and sarcasm  
_ _are just our flavor of  
_ _humor_ **

> ** _I see._ **
> 
> **_So when you called  
> _ _me ‘slacker’ earlier,  
> _ _you were joking?_ **

**_Yeah_ **

** _Oh shit did you not  
_ _realise??_ **

> ** _I did. I just wanted  
> _ _to clarify._ **

** _Yeah no if I insult  
_ _someone it’s usually  
_ _a friend thing_ **

** _Depends on the tone  
_ _of voice tho bc  
_ _sometimes I just  
_ _insult people bc they  
_ _are assholes_ **

> ** _Okay._ **
> 
> ** _Asshole._ **

** _Hahahahahahahaha  
_ _hahaha fuck_ **

** _Connor ffs_ 😂😂😂 **

> ** _Did I do it right?_ **

** _Fucking perfect_ **

> **_:)_ **

**_Incredible_ **

*****

*****

*****

It went downhill.

Of course it did. It always did.

Connor had to leave the house at 04:09AM when he couldn’t bear to be there any longer. He'd had enough time alone in the dark to overthink himself into a mild panic. To get himself back into that state where he couldn't pluck any kind of positivity from his life. Frightened he'd scared Gavin away. That he'd upset Hank one too many times. That they both didn't want to talk to him any more, because he'd distressed them so much and so often with his turbulent behaviour. That he was going to be alone. _Alone_. 

Left a post-it on his door where Hank would see it, saying ‘ _S_ EE _Y_ O _U_ A _T_ W _OR_ K’. The writing was not a perfect rendition of CyberLife Sans. It was wobbly because his hands were shaking and he couldn’t get enough control over them to write anything better. Had wasted three other post-it notes trying. Decided that would be enough, and it was at least legible. 

In less than 16 hours he would be at his appointment.

It would be fine. 

He would be fine.

This was fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love a goddamned trope and you can’t stop me
> 
> 'Man Like You' by Tom Misch.
> 
> Next chapter is a longer one: will try to keep to my 2 day upload schedule, but apologies in advance if I'm a day late.


	12. I Want More [PART I]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the delay everyone! This chapter started off at 6k, and then when I began to edit it swiftly turned into more than 10k. This is now going to be split into two chapters, Part I and Part II, both occurring over the same day. All going well, Part II should be up Tues/Weds night BST.

**PART I **

* * *

Today, he would act like everything was normal. And fine. Because everything was normal and fine and there was no other reason he shouldn’t be fine so he was fine. 

On the way back from visiting a suspect’s house, Connor asked Hank if he would like a coffee. 

> WOULD YOU
> 
> LIKE A COFFEE?

He asked Hank. Perhaps Hank would like a coffee. Connor would offer him one and if he refused that would be okay because Hank might not want a coffee. 

It turned out Hank did want a coffee so Connor purchased Hank a coffee with his own money as a treat. Then got one for Gavin too. Then got a peppermint tea for Tina. He’d seen her drink it a few times in the past and it seemed like the safer option since he didn’t know how she liked her coffee. The drinks came in a recyclable carrier. 

Connor gave Hank his coffee. Hank looked pleased. That was good.

Everything was perfectly fine and normal and okay.

“Who are the other’s for?” Hank asked, nodding at the two remaining cups in their recyclable carrier. 

> OFFICER CHEN
> 
> AND DT. REED. 

“Fair enough… You like hanging out with them?”

> YES. I THINK I DO.

“That’s good, kid. Maybe you could go for a drink after work with them or somethin’. Meet a few more people your age.”

> I AM ELEVEN 
> 
> MONTHS OLD. 

Hank snorted. “Yeah okay, wise-guy. You know what I mean.”

Connor did not know what Hank meant, but he smiled anyway. 

Smiling meant he was okay and that everything was fine and normal because everything _was_ fine and normal and why would it not be. 

*****

He gave Tina the tea first. She looked so surprised at the gesture, that she didn’t know what to say. Then thanked him profusely, saying she ‘really needed that’. 

Gavin was next. He’d been out earlier that day on a crime scene going by his wind swept hair and damp jacket. It had been raining outside an hour ago. The bruises looked a little better today. Yellowing. Healing. 

Connor placed the cup down and Gavin glanced up, his mouth quirking into a smile.

“Ay.” 

Connor pushed the cup closer, catching the other’s attention.

“Shit, that real coffee? You’re a life saver.”

> I HOPE IT’S TO
> 
> YOUR TASTE. 

“Anything that’s not from here is heaven.” 

Connor nodded. He was fine. This was fine. Everything was fine. 

> YOU LOOK
> 
> NICE TODAY. 

He said. Had no idea what prompted the words or why he'd said them, but they were out there now. 

Gavin’s face twisted in disbelief, looking up at the android as if it was some kind of joke. But it wasn't a joke. And whatever he saw in Connor’s expression had that thought process halting. Cheeks slowly flushing. 

“Uh… thanks. Uhm. You, uh… You too.” 

> THOUGH I PREFER YOU
> 
> WITHOUT THE BRUISES.

Gavin huffed a nervous laugh. Rubbed the back of his neck. “Yeah… Hopefully’ll go soon.”

> IT SHOULD TAKE
> 
> APPROXIMATELY
> 
> 10 MORE DAYS FOR
> 
> THEM TO CLEAR. 

“Could be worse, I guess.”

Connor nodded. Nodded again. again. 

He left wordlessly after another moment, returning to his desk and joining Hank in a combined effort to write up what information they had gleaned from their suspect this morning. 

Hank was doing things a lot faster than Connor was. was. .

Connor wasn't sure why why that was the case.

Gavin texted him a little later.

** _You ok?_ **

It took five minutes to sort through his head enough to reply. 

> ** _I’m fine I’m fine I’m  
> _ _f fine I’m fi ne_ **
> 
> ** _I’m fine I’m fine I’m  
> _ _f fine I’m fi ne_ **
> 
> ** _I’m fine I’m fine I’m  
> _ _f fine I’m fi ne_ **

Oh. 

That was the opposite of fine. 

Connor was the opposite of fine. 

Connor was not fine. 

** _You having another  
_ _runtime thing?_ **

** _You having another  
_ _runtime thing?_ **

** _You having another  
_ _runtime thing?_ **

** _You having another  
_ _runtime thing?_ **

> ** _I think I think I I I  
> _ _think I think I think  
> _ _think I think I’m I'm  
> _ _I’m I’m hav hav ha  
> _ _hav having having  
> _ _having having a a a  
> _ _a a a a a a runtime  
> _ _time runtime run  
> _ _time err err error  
> _ _error error_ **
> 
> ** _I think I think I I I  
> _ _think I think I think  
> _ _think I think I’m I'm  
> _ _I’m I’m hav hav ha  
> _ _hav having having  
> _ _having having a a a  
> _ _a a a a a a runtime  
> _ _time runtime run  
> _ _time err err error  
> _ _error error_ **
> 
> ** _I think I think I I I  
> _ _think I think I think  
> _ _think I think I’m I'm  
> _ _I’m I’m hav hav ha  
> _ _hav having having  
> _ _having having a a a  
> _ _a a a a a a runtime  
> _ _time runtime run  
> _ _time err err error  
> _ _error error_ **
> 
> ** _I think I think I I I  
> _ _think I think I think  
> _ _think I think I’m I'm  
> _ _I’m I’m hav hav ha  
> _ _hav having having  
> _ _having having a a a  
> _ _a a a a a a runtime  
> _ _time runtime run  
> _ _time err err error  
> _ _error error_ **
> 
> ** _I think I think I I I  
> _ _think I think I think  
> _ _think I think I’m I'm  
> _ _I’m I’m hav hav ha  
> _ _hav having having  
> _ _having having a a a  
> _ _a a a a a a runtime  
> _ _time runtime run  
> _ _time err err error  
> _ _error error_ **

** _Do you need to  
_ _go??_ **

** _Do you need to  
_ _go??_ **

** _Do you need to  
_ _go??_ **

** _Do you need to  
_ _go??_ **

Connor could hardly see the desk in front for the sudden, unanticipated barrage of warnings and errors and warnings and errors entering his vision barrage of warnings and errors entering his vision unanticipated barrage of warnings and errors entering his vision

Why Why Why was this was this happen happening again¿ So soon So soon ?? Less than two than two days on 

Why couldn’t he control it Why couldn’t . .couldn’t 

A broken machine broken broken broken machine.broke n 

Connor barely felt the hand around his upper arm

Connor barely felt the hand around his upper arm 

Couldn’t stop it pulling him away Couldn’t stop Couldn’t stop it pulling him away Couldn’t stop it pulling him away Couldn’t stop it pulling him away away away

Legs moving automatically Legs moving automatically he couldn’t stop he couldn’t stop couldn’t stop couldn’t see he couldn’t see hehe  was a brok en ma chi n e

doors door s 

q uie ter

qui e t er

he He couldn’t t 

“Hey— Hey hey hey it’s me— Connor look, look at me—”

Coul dn;t

unde rst an d¿ 

“Stop strugglin’— shit, Connor it’s me, it’s Gavin—”

Hands on

onhisarms

hold in g

hands holdin ghi mhands holdin ghi m hands holdin ghi m

“Breathe, Con. Look at me.”

Look ?

Gray

eyes

Ga v i n¿

Hands on his arms 

war ,m 

ho̷l̷di n g̷

S a f̴ ̵e̵

Con̷n o r̸ ̴ ̴ rea̴ch ed for G̸av̷ in ;cl o se r 

Hel d̵ ̴

H e ldo nti̴g h t

H e̴ ld ont ig h t Close Close to Gavin to Gavin Gavin Gavin Gavin Gavin 

Arms wrapping around around

Arms wrapping around around

Better Better 

That

That was was 

better

Safer Warmer Safer

Arms wrapping around around

Processes Processes Processes Recalculating . . .

Different voice. Familiar.

“What the… What the Hell's goin' on?”

Different voice. Familiar. Familiar.

Couldn't make out words. Distant. 

Frozen in place. Arms wrapped around.

******REƆALCULATIИG… **

“Shit. Just— Fuck, just hang back a second alright? Stay back.”

Vibrations. Gavin's chest. A comforting sensation. 

Muddled Muddled speech. 

**ЯECALCULATING…** ****

“What? What’s happenin’? What’s wrong with him?” 

**RƎCALCULATING… **

“Some kind’ve error, fuck— Can you— Can you try ’n make sure no one else comes in?” 

“The fuck? An error? Is he gonna be okay?” 

“Yeah— Yeah should be fine, look, just give him some space okay? S’happened a couple times now, he’ll be fine. Just go, alright?”

The vibrations felt nice. Soothing. Bringing. . . him back. Bringing him back.

Processes recalculating. 

**RECALCULATING… ** ****

**RECALCULATING…**

“Jesus… Fuck… Alright, I’ll… I’ll keep an eye… But we’re fucking talking about this later.”

“Yeah. Don’t doubt it, Hank.” 

**RECALCULATING…** ****

**RECALCULATING…** ****

A soft curse. 

Hands readjusting. Touching his back. Nice. Safe.

Safe.

Safe.

Safe.

“With me yet?”

With him yet? 

With who?

With Gavin? 

**RECALCULATING…**  
**RECALCULATING… **  
**RECALCULATING… **

**REGULATING FUNCTIONS… ** **OK**

**_____________________________  
** SOFT REBOOT **INITIALIZING…**

Connor sucked in a short, stuttering breath.

Blinked.  Several times. 

Breathing smoother. Longer. 

It took a fair few moments to fully register where he was. Why he was there. What he was doing. And to register specifically, that he was in someone’s arms. 

Someone’s arms?

Gavin’s arms. 

Oh.

He was in Gavin’s arms. 

The pair of them were practically leaning on a row of filing cabinets, situated in the short hallway that lead to the Archives stairwell. In his panic, Connor had crowded Gavin in against them? That seemed impolite.

Could hear muffled sounds of the bullpen; people talking; the announcement system echoing; distant footsteps. Familiar sounds. Safe. 

Connor was in Gavin’s arms. 

Connor had his arms around Gavin.

They’d never been so close before. Chests pressed together. Arms wrapped around firm. Connor could feel the man’s heart beating fast against his own. 

“You back?” Gavin asked, voice quiet. Gentle. Nice. 

Warm and safe. 

“Mm.” Connor replied after a beat.

He should move away.  Should move away from Gavin right now, but he hadn’t yet… Why was that?  Connor shouldn’t be doing this. Lingering here, in Gavin's arms. But… it felt so comforting and warm. Especially after the contradicting shock of his runtime error. He felt like he needed this peaceful moment, in order to remain calm. To focus himself back into the present. 

Gavin exhaled tiredly after a few more moments. He seemed to relax more into the hold. Could feel his muscles loosening up; shoulders slackening, breaths slowing. Heart rate dropping to something gentler. 

And then Gavin leant his cheek against Connor’s head. 

And that was… so very nice. Connor shut his eyes, inhaling slow. Relishing Gavin's scent. This rare proximity.  And the all encompassing warmth and safety that came from being so near to the man. It was a feeling he'd never felt before. Nothing so visceral and close. 

It must have been another minute of quiet, before anyone did anything more.

“Y’know we gotta move sometime, right?” Gavin murmured. 

Could feel stubble brushing his skin, just barely. An entirely different sensation for Connor to appreciate.

But he did know.  And he’d allowed himself this relief for too long.

“S-S-Sorr-Sorr—y-y—y-y—” Connor whispered, then felt himself freeze up. Oh no. Why had that come out? He didn't know why he’d _said_ it, face flushing hot, breath catching. He backed off instantly, eyes averted. Shit, _why_ had he spoken? Why had it slipped out?

“Ay,” Gavin said, catching his arm before he retreated too far, “it’s fine.” 

Connor bit his lip, trying not to let a sudden surge of emotions externalise. He shouldn’t have said anything. He shouldn’t have held onto Gavin like that. He shouldn't have had that runtime error. Connor was doing _so_ many bad things. And now he’d caused _another_ issue for Gavin by having the error. And at work, no less. In the middle of his job. Glitching out when he was supposed to be helping people. Making Gavin worry again. 

God. _Again_.

Gavin must be so over all of this. Must be getting exhausted by Connor’s stupid antics. His broken voice. 

“Con. It’s fine.” 

The android swallowed. Managed to risk a quick glance at the man. He didn’t _look_ upset… But that didn't seem feasible. Gavin should be annoyed. Frustrated. Wanting Connor to leave him alone. 

“You good?” 

> I’M SORRY. 

He projected, trying not to let his emotions overtake. Lip twisting down. Eyes on the floor.

“Don’t be.” Gavin said, “… Nice hearin’ your voice now 'n then.”

Connor’s brow pulled, head jolting up, unable to stop himself from looking critically at the man. Searching for some kind of tell, that would say it was a joke, or some kind of prank. But there wasn’t one.  Because Gavin didn’t joke about these things. He didn’t lie.  Which meant he was telling the truth…? 

“Sorry for uh, manhandling you.” The man added, embarrassed. Letting go of the android’s arm finally, “Just thought you’d be better somewhere quiet, y’know?” 

Why… Why did he always take care of Connor like this? Why did he not seem to mind when Connor made all of these mistakes, and disturbances, and errors? Why did he like Connor’s voice? Connor just couldn't fathom it. 

It took a good moment to push through his overbearing thoughts. Through the lists and lists of diagnostics and updates scrolling in the edges of his vision.

> I'M SORRY. THANK YOU
> 
> FOR BEING SO CONSIDERATE.
> 
> I APOLOGIZE FOR LEANING ON
> 
> YOU AGAIN… FIGURATIVELY 
> 
> AND LITERALLY. 

Gavin huffed a small sound of amusement. “I didn’t mind.” 

> I WILL HOPEFULLY
> 
> BE ALRIGHT FOR
> 
> A WHILE NOW. 

“You think it’s gonna happen again today?”

> IT’S NOT A PREDICTABLE
> 
> ERROR. MOST TIMES I DON’T
> 
> REALISE IT’S HAPPENING 
> 
> UNTIL IT’S TOO LATE. 

“Yeah.” He said, “Uh, Hank… kinda saw.”

Connor glanced up, their eyes meeting briefly. Connecting the dots when he realised he’d vaguely heard voices before. Shit. Hank had seen that? What exactly had he seen?

“Does he know this stuff keeps happening?”

Shook his head. No, Connor hadn't told him. 

“What does he know? About… things with us.” 

… Us? 

> I HAVEN’T SPOKEN
> 
> TO HANK VERY
> 
> MUCH RECENTLY. 

“Mm.” 

God. 

Why was Connor such a bad person? Why had he done this to Gavin? To Hank? Why did he keep _doing_ this to the people he cared about?

> I’M SO SORRY FOR PUTTING
> 
> THIS PRESSURE ON YOU. I NEVER
> 
> WANTED THIS TO HAPPEN.

Gavin frowned. “Never… wanted what?” 

Connor started projecting onto his hand, then realised what he wanted to say was too long, so he sent it as a message instead. Heard Gavin’s phone buzz twice from his back pocket, eyes meeting to signify. There was a pause, then the man seemed to catch on.

“That text from you?”

Nodded. 

> ** _I don’t want to feel  
> _ _like I’m relying on  
> _ _you. I don’t want you  
> _ _to feel_ _responsible  
>  for me __when it’s not  
>  your __job. It’s part of  
>  the __reason why I  
>  said I __would get help  
>  in __the first place,  
> _ _precisely because I  
> _ _didn’t want that to  
> _ _happen… I don't  
>  want to be a burden.  
> It’s just… all taken  
> _ _so much longer than  
> _ _I thought it would  
>  for this to __come  
>  around. _**
> 
> ** _I’m worse now than  
> _ _I’ve ever been and  
> _ _I don’t know how to  
> _ _stop._ **

“Your appointment’s today, right?”

> _**Tonight. 08PM.** _

“Waiting lists for this shit never get any better.” Gavin murmured. Sounded annoyed.

> ** _I’m worried I’ve  
> _ _waited too long._ **
> 
> ** _That I can’t_ **
> 
> **_That I_ **

Shit. He was getting emotional, _shit_. 

“It’s never too late. Trust me.” Gavin said, trying to catch his eye. The android couldn’t seem to make himself meet the gaze, until a hand touched to his. Rough and warm fingers against his knuckles. Eyes automatically darted to the other’s, searching. Felt surprised. Uncertain. Dubious at Gavin initiating something like this, even after all of the bad things Connor had done. After a moment, he let his fingers curl closer. It wasn’t hand holding as such; they weren’t really in the right position for it, but ultimately it didn’t matter. It was the contact he needed right now. And wanted. 

The door squeaked behind, both snapping back like they were doing something wrong. 

It was Hank. 

“… You alright, kid?” 

Swallowed. Nodded. Yes, the error had corrected itself, he was fine.

“Need a break? Or home?”

Shook his head. Neither.

The man seemed to ponder a moment, eyes flicking between both of them. “Alright. You… comin’ back in then?”

Connor glanced at Gavin for a few seconds, then nodded back at the other. Straightened his tie and striding past Hank, through the double doors, back into the bullpen. 

The lack of following footsteps had him faltering after a moment. Looking back. Hank was still at the door, and Gavin hadn’t yet made an appearance.  It… seemed as though they were having some kind of staring competition. Though Connor couldn’t actually see Gavin to confirm this. However Hank’s stoic glare and unmoving stance made a very compelling case. 

The second Hank looked towards Connor, the android turned away, finding his desk swiftly. 

Head down. Hard at work. 

*****

“Let me drive you there, kid. It's the least I can do.” Hank offered.

Their shift was over. Connor was at his desk, and the lieutenant was hovering. 

The appointment wasn’t for another two hours. He'd planned on working for 87.9% of this time in order to keep his mind busy. 

> IT’S NOT 
> 
> UNTIL 08PM. 

“You could come back for a bit… See Sumo. Get changed, if you want… Could be nice.” 

It could be nice. But Connor didn’t know if he deserved nice. 

> I WAS GOING TO
> 
> KEEP WORKING. 

Hank visibly tried to hold something back. Some kind of response he obviously thought Connor couldn’t handle. 

“How ‘bout I swing back here before Eight. I’ll drive you there, ’n I can wait… Or you can make your own way back if… if that's what you want. What d’you think?”

Hank was trying so very hard, and Connor wished he wouldn’t. He didn’t deserve it. Connor had done nothing but make the man worry. 

Maybe he should let him… Maybe letting Hank would make the man feel better. 

> OK

The corner of Hank’s mouth turned up.  “I’ll meet you out front ‘round Eight-forty. Place is only five-ten minutes out, right?” 

Connor nodded. 

“Alright, kid. You want me to bring anything from home?”

Shook his head. 

“‘kay… Guess I’ll see you later.”

And then he was alone.

Gavin wasn’t there, either. Must be back out in the field with the case from earlier. The station was clearing out fairly quickly, actually.  Good. 

He got a message from Gavin at 07:32PM.

** _Good luck for  
_ _tonight_ **

Connor didn’t respond.  Didn’t think he could make himself.

The android made his way out to the front entrance at the allotted time. Surprisingly punctual, Hank was already there and waiting. He entered the car, and they set off in silence. 

No one spoke for the entire seven minute and twelve second drive. They pulled up on the sidewalk, outside of the clinic building. In his mind, admittedly Connor had imagined it to be some type of 'haunted mansion'-esque place, because of the feelings he currently attributed to it. The apprehension and unease. Not dissimilar to those experienced when Hank showed him his first horror movie a few months back. But it wasn't like that at all. The building was plain and boring, and truthfully, one nobody would give a second glance. It wasn't obviously a private clinic, possibly because they wanted to keep it that way. They dealt with mental health issues only, not physical ailments. To the untrained eye, it looked like nothing more than an apartment building: perhaps intentionally, to give their clients a certain level of anonymity and privacy. 

Connor wondered how much the department was forking out for him to attend this session. He didn't feel like he deserved it… but he couldn't afford it himself. Androids were consistently underpaid, and Connor was no exception. It was a topic at the center of many protests all over the country. He'd been lucky enough that Hank had taken him in and never asked for any sort of large reimbursement (as much as the android had insisted). Hank had done so much for Connor. Now look how he was repaying him… 

God.

He needed to not think about this right now. He was just delaying the inevitable. Trying to quash his apprehension with other negative thoughts.

> THANK YOU
> 
> FOR THE RIDE.

Connor said, chewing his lip. Eyes wandering over the building for a few more seconds. Trying not to look at the other man. He didn't want to know what he was thinking. 

“No sweat, kid.” 

It went quiet again. The air in the car felt uncomfortable and cramped. Could practically feel the unease rolling off of Hank, glaringly obvious to Connor that the man was waiting to say something, but didn't know when to say it. Not knowing what level of caution to give to this situation. 

“I know this is scary…" Hank said finally. Hesitantly. "Been to enough shrink’s in the past to know that. But you’re not alone in this, Connor. You know that, right?”

He nodded after a moment, gaze fixing onto the small figurine on the dashboard. The ‘hula girl’ was still bobbing around.

“I’ll be here when you come out. You don’t have to tell me anything, I’m not gonna pry.” 

> PLEASE DON’T
> 
> WAIT FOR ME.
> 
> I’LL MAKE MY OWN
> 
> WAY BACK AFTER.

Hank didn’t seem so fond of the idea. But he eventually agreed when Connor repeated the message again. And again. And once more, until the lieutenant finally seemed to get that information into his head.

Getting out of the car, Connor remained at the curb until he was sure the other man had driven away, tail lights slowly disappearing around the corner. Finally alone.

He turned towards the building, eyeing it warily. Scanned the exterior. Heart thumping faster.  Faster.

This was it. 

Everything he'd been waiting for. Everything he'd put off resting for, right here, right now.

There was no way out. 

No going back.

This was it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'I Want More' by Tedeschi Trucks Band.


	13. I Want More [PART II]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: **Please heed the triggers in the tags.**

**PART II **

* * *

The therapy session was both everything Connor expected, and nothing he expected.

The therapist was an android. She was called Summer and was an ST200 model. Like Chloe had been.

The session was expected, in that Connor had to try and explain everything he was feeling, in order for her to understand. And that was made harder given his ‘mute’ nature. Though communication did come a lot quicker here than his usual exchanges: he could send her messages cybernetically, and she would either respond in kind, or sometimes out loud if the moment called for it. It was perhaps one of the smoothest flowing conversations he’d had in months.

The session became unexpected when he learned certain things about himself that he didn’t know. Because Connor had always prided himself on being very self aware, but several times after he'd explained a situation, she'd stated something that actually caught him off guard: simply because her response was something he’d never considered before. It was almost unnerving, how much she seemed to understand him. And not judge him. Then again, he supposed it was her job not to judge. But it was still somewhat… affirming, all the same. To be met without judgement. No matter how much he may have cried.

Which was a lot.

Embarrassingly.

He’d apologised every time it happened. She told him there was nothing wrong with crying. That crying was a good thing, because he was opening up and talking, and that was a courageous thing to do. That crying was natural for both humans and androids alike.

The session was also unexpected, because Connor learned that some of his most recent runtime errors, though generally caused by lack of stasis, could also be classed another form of panic attack. He’d had no idea such a thing was possible. That runtime errors and panic attacks could coexist in a similar category. Though he supposed it made sense, upon further deliberation. A panic attack in an android, was essentially the AI becoming overwhelmed by too much data and incalculable variables. A runtime error was a bug that came from flaws in his prototype program, and could be repaired by regular updates or new OS patches. Both issues could lead to the CPU overclocking, and even cause program crashes, meaning his system could automatically reboot as a temporary fix.

Well. He could already check that off.

Summer continued to explain that a runtime error on its own was difficult enough to handle, but when combined alongside a panic attack, could feel absolutely crushing. She told him he'd been handling things incredibly well, considering the extent of the issues he'd experienced. That she was pleased with him for coming to seek support. That not many androids sought aid, and he was brave for doing so. He was doing a good thing. And he was allowed to have good things. And allowed to ask for help.

She also relayed that he would experience far fewer problems if he entered stasis more regularly. Which he knew, logically. Update more often: fix the bugs in his program. It was a simple enough solution, but one he had been struggling with, which they spoke about too. He tried to explain his side of things. Tried to tell her the reasons he'd been avoiding it, but it was difficult, because somewhere along the way, some of the reasons had been lost amongst all of the noise. But she helped him to try and explore those venues once more. Not in as much detail as he'd have liked, but they only had so much time.

The main thing, was that she didn’t push him. Didn’t tell him he _must_ enter stasis. Summer simply explained the benefits that stasis could bestow. And told him multiple times throughout the hour-long session that he deserved to rest. That he was allowed to. That he didn’t have to ‘prove’ anything to let himself be deserving of that. That ‘rest’ was not some kind of reward, but a function that was necessary for everyone, no matter who they were or what they had done. 

It was a lot to take in.

They'd barely touched the surface within the hour. They’d not even spoken about his speech impediment, nor the incident that lead to it. Not spoken about his days as the Deviant Hunter, though he was fairly certain she knew that was who he had been. They’d not talked about Amanda, or CyberLife. Or even gone into much depth about his relationship with Hank yet.

There was so much to talk about.

Things he’d never approached anyone with, because he didn’t want to put his problems onto them. Didn’t want to weigh them down with his own pressures, because they had enough on their plate without his unimportant issues. But… opening up tonight? To her? Someone he didn’t know, and received no judgement from, despite how much he had tried to convince her of his unacceptable behaviour. It was… lightening. If that was the right word for it. He felt lighter. Maybe even slightly more positive about his situation.

Maybe he _would_ sleep tonight, to see if she was right. To see if he would panic less, and think less destructive thoughts.

It was stupid, really.

He kept trying to think about it positively.

Kept listing all of the reasons he’d been given for why stasis would be beneficial. For why he was allowed to enter it. Yet it was now midnight, and he was experiencing another runtime error in the middle of an empty Riverside Park.

‘Panic attack’. Not runtime error.

Well, it was both of these things, if he wanted to talk about it logically. Sometimes it was one or the other. This specific time it was both. Which seemed unfair, to be experiencing a real panic attack and runtime error both at once.

Why was he panicking? It made no sense because he’d calmly (and finally) convinced himself that he was going to sleep tonight… but then belatedly realised what that decision actually meant.  And then he remembered he was scared of that.  And now he felt this sudden _pressure_ that he _had_ to enter stasis and there was no other option: it simply had to be done, now that he had decided it.

it simply had to be done, now that he had decided it. had to be done, done,

Connor couldn’t stop his fear flooding out; a feeling he'd built up _so_ strongly over these last few months. Overpowering. Unyielding. An uncompromising barrier. This wall he didn’t know how to scale, _convinced_ it would crumble the second he tried to. All of these fears were ignited tenfold in his chest. fears ignited tenfold in his chest. in his chest. his. . his . fears ig . fears ignited tenfold .

He hated this.

Hated it so much so much Hated it so much

He thoug thought maybe Hank had messaged him before before, but this error error error errrror really seemed to be lasting a long time, and he wasn’t sure wasn’t sure if if he responded or not

He’d received a few few other messages since, but he couldn’t see them past the warnings the warnings the w ar nin gs in in his vision. . Or Or the tears.

Connor was entirely vulnerable right n ow .

Had been Had been for the last hour or so. Though he wasn’t all that sure of the time. The error/attack error/attack error/attack had been going on for a while and all he could do was sit was sit on this bench, arms wrapped around, tears slipping down his cheeks. L.E.D. a solid red. red. . red .

All of his efforts to correct the error were not working. Not working not working.

All of his efforts to correct the error were not working.

He didn’t seem to be in need of a reboot, which he was thankful for. But he also didn’t know what to do or how to stop.

He didn’t seem to be in need of a reboot, which he was thankful for. But he also didn’t know what to do or how to stop.

He didn’t seem to be in need of a reboot, which he was thankful for. But he also didn’t know what to do or how to stop or how to stop or how to stop.

He’d definitely had this exact thought process eight times already. Maybe nine. eight times. Maybe nine. But he could’t seem to stop it, and that lack of control was making him panic more.

He was broken. He was broken. He was broken.

He was getting more texts.

Calls.

Too much . .too m

Couldn’t do anything.

Couldn’t do anything.

Couldn’t do anything.

It was so hard It was so hard. _Why_ was it so hard? 

He was so vulnerable

so vulnerable 

Anyone could find him Do _anything_ to him

He wasn't safe

wasn't 

?

There was

Oh¿

There was

was

a loud sigh  of relief?

Abrupt Unexpected.

Halting his internal spiral.

“He said you might be here.”

Footsteps. Footsteps.

A quiet curse.

Another word. Familiar. A question¿

Couldn’t understand.

Couldn’t do anything.

More tears spilled.

More words words. They sounded upset.

Connor didn’t know how to respond. Didn't know anything.

Could see the person in front kneeling down. Mouth moving. Words made no sense no sense.

Silver hair.

Blue eyes. eyes.

It was was Hank.

It was was Hank.

Hank.

Hank.

Hank.

“Connor?”

He jerked violently.

The word felt **so** **loud**. It _drilled_ into his audio processors, startling him badly. 

Eyes darted around, frantic. Trying to take everything in. Breathing faster. Body trembling.

“Hey, kid, hey.” Hank tried, “Connor, it’s alright, it’s alright.”

Connor was crying.

Hank was hugging him and Connor was crying and hyperventilating and crying and hyperventilating. Inert in Hank’s arms.

They stayed there a long time.

Until Connor’s breaths slowed to the occasional hiccup. 

Until the warnings in his vision lessened. 

Until the error was fully resolved.

“I— I I I— I n-n-nee ee need need I I need to to to to to sl— sl— sleep eep to to to to sleep eep eep.” Connor somehow got out.

He didn’t know why he said it out loud. It'd just happened. For some reason it felt like the only way he knew how to communicate in that moment. Too drained to do much of anything else.

Hank pulled away carefully after a beat. Rested a hand on the android’s shoulder. Squeezed gently.

“That could be good, kid.” 

** * **

** * **

** * **

The car window was cool against Connor’s temple. Normally his breath wouldn’t fog up the glass, but after everything that had gone on he was overheating slightly, and the air expelling out was warmer than usual.

Touched a finger to the small cloud of condensation. There was no fingerprint left behind, just a small, clear oval.

A bump in the road had the android leaning away, tiredly looking around the familiar, darkened street. Slowing as they passed 97, 103, 111. Brow creasing when he realised there was already a car parked in front of 115 Michigan Drive. Not Hank’s. Connor’s Thirium Pump skipped. Because he knew that car. And he knew the person sat on the porch steps.

“I, uhm…” Hank said once the engine was off, and things were quiet. Engine ticking intermittently. “I thought maybe you might wanna see him… You seem to… He seems to help?”

Connor said nothing, but saw his L.E.D. reflect yellow on the passenger window. When had Hank contacted Gavin? 

“If you want him gone, I’ll make it happen. Just say the word.” The lieutenant said, awkwardly adding, “Or, y’know… text.”

For once, Connor was a little unsure if he wanted Gavin there. Only in that the android knew he must have caused both men a huge amount of stress and upset tonight, disappearing for so long without a word. And Connor didn’t feel good right now. Felt exhausted and overloaded and completely drained. Not good company.  But… maybe seeing Gavin would help to make Connor feel more like himself. Warmer inside, instead of hollow and cold. Maybe seeing Gavin could do that. It had in the past… And Summer had said he was allowed to let himself have some good things in his life. She'd said that.  And Gavin was a good thing.

It took a little more internal conflict before he allowed himself to agree. 

> HE CAN STAY.

“Alright. Say the word and I’ll kick him out though.” Hank said, quirking a wry smile.

> IT’S OKAY. THANK YOU
> 
> FOR THINKING OF ME.

“S’okay, kid. Don’t let him keep you too long. Think we’re all pretty tired.”

That seemed like an understatement. Connor nodded.

Hank went ahead and let himself into the house, leaving Connor to meet Gavin on the porch outside. It was a considerate move on his part. Allowing them some privacy. A moment to share alone.

“Ay.” Gavin greeted. Voice soft. 

Connor briefly met his gaze, then looked away. He couldn't seem to put any kind of emotion on there. It was just blank. Exhausted. 

He hoped Gavin wasn't upset with him. He didn't want that. He didn't want people to be disappointed in him any more. It was too hard. 

“Doin’ okay?”

Nodded.

“… You panic after your appointment?”

Connor swallowed, eyes fixing onto the weeds he could just about see growing in the dry grass. He should try to correct them soon. Those inconsequential entities, like him.

“It’s alright if you did, y'know… Kinda got some good fuckin' reasons for it.”

> I’M SORRY I WORRIED
> 
> YOU AND HANK. IT
> 
> WASN’T MY INTENTION.

“I know it wasn't. You didn't do it on purpose. Hank knows it too.”

> DOES HE

It seemed doubtful.

“Be pretty dumb not to know that.” He said. Then half chuckled, “I’ll make damn sure he does, 'f you want.” 

A false threat. Normally Connor might laugh. Not this time. Not right now.

> IF YOU SAY HE KNOWS
> 
> THEN  I BELIEVE YOU.

They shared a quick glance, and Gavin nodded his response, expression sobering. “C’mon. I’ll take you in.”

Sumo greeted them at the door, tail wagging furiously at the newcomers. It was a welcome distraction from any lingering thoughts and bad feelings, so Connor crouched in front to fuss him, wanting to enjoy that distraction a little longer. Sumo was a good boy. He missed him. 

A minute later, Connor realised that Gavin had situated himself awkwardly to the side, and Hank was looking lost in the kitchen. Neither individual seemed to be able to look at the other. Pushing up cautiously, Connor considered them both. First Hank, then Gavin. They didn't seem to know what to do. Two people that had a history; that disliked one another but now had a common interest, and had come together in a time of need. 

They were _so_ much more than he deserved. Such good people. Connor had no idea how he was so lucky to have them in his life. 

His eyes met with Gavin's. Searching. Holding a somewhat unusual gaze for several seconds. He didn't know what it meant, but he couldn't seem to look away. 

“Guess I should head back.” The detective said finally, briefly glancing away. Then back.

Connor didn't want Gavin to go; he knew that now. Knew it with certainty. And oddly enough,  Gavin also appeared to want the same thing… Which made Connor want him to stay even more.

Somehow, Hank picked up on this.

“You’re going?” The lieutenant said, venturing a step out of the kitchen. 

Gavin was still looking at Connor. Finally he seemed to tear his gaze away. “Uh… Yeah.”

Hank looked between them a moment. “S’pretty fuckin’ late to be driving back now.”

“Kinda.” The younger man said, then shrugged.

“So stay. I don’t need to have your death on my conscience when you fall asleep at the wheel. Couch is free.”

“I— uh, I don’t know if—”

“—You’re staying.” Hank said. Not too forcefully, but not all that gently either. “I’ve had enough worry tonight. Everyone is stayin’ here so I don’t have to think any more about any _one_ or any _thing_. Got it?”

Gavin glanced at Connor, who shrugged, but certainly felt a small curl of something good inside at the potential of the man being closer. Familiar warmth returning, just for a moment or two.

The detective cleared his throat. A pleasant rouge had begun spreading over his cheeks.  “… Couch it is.” 

“Right answer.” Hank stated, disappearing down the hall. Could hear him rummaging around in his bedroom shortly after, perhaps looking for bedding.

Connor resisted the urge to allow his satisfaction to externalise at the fortuitous turn of events. Gavin was staying. Gavin was going to stay close.

The man's brows were raised high. Surprised.

> I’M SORRY
> 
> ABOUT HIM.

Connor projected, trying to reel himself back in. Hoping that Gavin didn't feel pressured by this situation.

Gavin snorted. “Not your fault.” He replied quietly, “Just kinda surprised he’d even suggest that. Guy fuckin' hates me.”

> HE DOESN’T. MAYBE IN
> 
> THE PAST HE DIDN’T
> 
> LIKE YOU, BUT I THINK
> 
> HE’S COMING AROUND.

“If you say so.”

The lieutenant seemed to take the role of primary caretaker shortly after. He shoved Gavin at the couch, and ushered Connor to his room, even stopping to give Sumo a small treat to settle him before bed. Additionally, Gavin got his grey henley back, recently washed and folded. It killed two birds with one stone, serving as suitable attire for the man to sleep in, whilst simultaneously returning the item to him. Connor wondered if he would get his own shirt and tie back soon, not that he was in any rush for it. It had only been two days since he'd left them there. Though by now it felt like a lifetime ago.

By 01:49AM, they'd all departed ways.

Half an hour later, Connor was still not asleep. 

He still wasn't asleep, because he was thinking. And thinking. And thinking. About how much his actions tonight must have upset the others. He could scarcely imagine it, not hearing from the android in hours and _knowing_ there must have been something wrong. Potentially searching the city for him? Hank had definitely been to the precinct before the park, that was an obvious option. It seemed as though the park could have been a last resort, too. Hank must have called Gavin because he was that desperate; he wouldn't have known to find Connor there.

Connor shouldn't be thinking about this.

He shouldn't be theorising about what _might_ have happened. He knew he shouldn't. So often Connor said that more information determined the best approach, and Connor didn't have all the information here. He didn't have the variables. He was just overthinking it. Imagining all of the worst possibilities, because that was what he was so used to doing. Anxieties focusing on the 'what if's', and not on the information presented. It was poor police work, and it certainly wasn't helpful for his own mental health. Connor _knew_ that thinking this way was unhelpful. Summer had even told him that these kinds of thoughts were simply to do with his own anxieties, and the way he felt about himself: _not_ what other people actually thought about him. Yes, Gavin and Hank might have been very stressed tonight, but they didn't resent him. Obviously they didn't, otherwise they wouldn't be helping him now. But… God. Sometimes it was _so_ hard to separate these things out. His own poor self esteem, and what others might think about him. So often he just ended up thinking everyone was annoyed or upset or tired of him, because that was how he felt about himself. And it simply wasn't true. It was just his own self worth assuming how others felt. Assuming no one could like him, because there was so much wrong, and so many reasons to dislike him. And that wasn't the case. He _knew_ this now. Summer had explained it to him so clearly, he completely understood the notion of it. The rationality was entirely sound. But… knowing and believing… they were two very different things. And just because he now realised Gavin and Hank might not resent him, it didn't stop him from imagining that somehow… they still did.

And now he was scared. 

Scared, because he'd thought himself into such a dark place, that even his own room didn't feel safe. _He_ didn't feel safe. And he _wanted_ to be. God, he wanted it so badly. Connor wanted to be safe. He didn't _want_ to feel like this any more. He never let himself have anything. He never allowed himself to feel good things, and right now, he didn't know why that was. Why did he do that? Why did he let himself feel so awful all of the time? It made _no_ _sense_. He felt terrible, and he didn't know why. Right now, it just didn't make sense. Nothing was making sense. Why did he do this to himself? Why should he? Why _should_ he feel this unpleasant inside? Why did he always make himself feel so alone?  Connor didn't _want_ to be alone. He didn't want it any more. He didn't want to hurt like that any longer. He was _allowed_ to have good things. He was _allowed_.

> ** _Gavin?_ **

He texted. Breaths short. Tears in his eyes. He scrubbed them away harshly, trying to stop himself from thinking so much. But God, it was so hard? Why was it so hard to stop thinking? 

Nineteen seconds later, there was a reply,

** _Yeah_ **

> ** _Could you come_ **
> 
> ** _Here_ **

He hoped his message didn't sound as desperate as he felt. Could feel his stress levels creeping higher. Trying to breathe smoothly. To shut his mind up. He was allowed this. He was allowed to stop himself from feeling scared. He was allowed to ask for help. Summer had said that. She'd said that.

** _Here?_ **

> ** _Here_ **

There was a short pause in responses. And by God, if Connor didn't overthink that pause. Scrubbing more tears out of his eyes irritably. Trying to breathe smoother. Why couldn't he stop his tears from flowing? Why was he doing this? He needed to calm down. 

** _You mean in with  
_ ** ** _you?_ **

> ** _If_ **
> 
> **_If that’s ok_ **

A longer pause.

A minute went by.

Then two.

_**Yeah ok** _

Connor tried to calm himself as best as he could. Forcibly breathing slower. Heels of his hands pressing over his eyes as he laid in bed. He tried to focus on the quiet of the house. On the fact that in a moment, he wouldn't be alone. He was allowed this. He was. Wasn't he? …Was he?

There was only one telltale creak of floorboards over the next minute and a half. Then the handle of the door twisted, ever so slowly. Door carefully opening. Gently closing. Latch clicking softly.

Connor was still trying to calm himself. Hands still over his eyes. Breathing as well as he could manage. 

He wanted to greet Gavin. He wanted to apologize for what he was doing right now, and for pulling the man away from sleeping, but he couldn't. Couldn't stop himself from doing this… thing? Why was he doing it? Why couldn't he stop? 

In the end, it didn't seem to matter anyway, because the bed beside him dipped, and suddenly all he could sense was Gavin. Smell him. Feel the warmth from his body beside. Gavin.

Gavin Gavin _Gavin._

“Ay.” The man whispered.

Connor nodded. Took a few jerking breaths, hands pressing harder against his eyes. 

> _**I'm okay** _
> 
> _**I'm okay I just  
> ** _
> 
> _**need a minute sorry** _

He texted. Heard Gavin's phone buzz. The man shifting against the bed. 

“S'okay. Take your time.” 

Take your time.

Okay.

He could do that. He was allowed to do that. He was allowed to take his time. Gavin had said that.

Things seemed to be helped immeasurably more when Gavin notified Connor that he was going to touch him, if that was okay. Just a hand on his arm, if he wanted it. And Connor did want that. 

Gavin's hand was firm and comforting. It helped Connor to come back down, as his touch so often did. Tears drying up. Breaths gradually smoothing out.

He was allowed this, wasn't he? 

He was. He _was_.

He was allowed this.

> _**I'm allowed to have** _   
>  _**good things** _

He texted. He had to tell Gavin that.

Repeated himself, because it felt important to do so.

> _**I'm allowed** _

“Yeah.” Gavin replied after a beat. “You are.” 

> **_I am_ **
> 
> **_I'm allowed_ **

“Fuck yes you are.” 

Connor felt a humored breath escape, amused at the way Gavin had spoken. Heard the man make a similar sound in response. It warmed him.

> **_Thank you_ **

“Pshh.” Gavin diverted. A sound he often made when he felt self-conscious about receiving gratitude.

Finally, Connor felt able to pull his hands away. Safe enough to let himself see the real world. Scrubbing through the remnants of tears left behind. Not many, now. Gavin's hand left his arm. Allowed the android a moment to collect himself. To push up, just a little, and look around the dimly lit room. He'd forgotten that the blinds were still open. Several beams of light streamed in from the street lamp outside, illuminating the outline of Gavin's body next to his. 

Next to his. 

Connor exhaled a long, calming breath. Something indulgent, that seemed to ease the residual tensions inside. To relieve some of the weight he'd been carrying.

He made himself look over, finally. Unsure of what he would find there, but knowing that it wouldn't be resentment. Not from Gavin. Not any more. 

The man's features were just about discernable, and the yellow-blue of Connor's L.E.D. helped to apply some further illumination. Could see the soft smile slowly curving on his lips.

“Ay.” Gavin said again. The catchphrase greeting that so often brought a smile to Connor's face. And it didn't disappoint this time either, granting the android that familiar flourish of affection in his chest. Lip gingerly curling. 

“You good?” 

> _** I'm doing better now,  
> **_ _**thank you. x ** _

The detective seemed to read that text for a little longer than most. Connor sent another. 

> **_I hope I didn’t wake  
> _ _you._ **

“Nah.” He murmured. Scratched his stubble. Eyes on his phone. 

It fell quiet for a short while. 

Connor felt calmer now, for the most part. Mind not moving as fast as it had been. Not so overwhelmed by his own thoughts and feelings, though still a little clouded by his internal notifications. He'd grown somewhat accustomed to the continual and aggravating prompts. Why had he allowed that to happen? Why had he allowed himself to feel that bad, when he could feel calmer, like this instead? It was so strange. Feeling like this was strange. Connor didn't usually… let himself. He didn't let himself have good things. But Summer had said he was allowed them. And Gavin had said that too… And truthfully, the android felt like he'd had enough of a rollercoaster day to consider that yes, perhaps this was okay. 

Right? 

It was okay, having this… 

Was it okay? 

He glanced over at Gavin. The man was fidgeting with his phone in his hand. Flipping it over in a repetitive way that was perhaps an unconscious method of self-soothing.

Was Gavin stressed? 

They were in two very different positions, after all. Connor was practically lying down, and Gavin was sat up against the headboard, legs crossed. A protective posture.

He was uncomfortable? Or just uncertain of what should occur now? 

> ** _I hope I've not made  
>  you feel anxious or  
> uncomfortable, Gavin.  
> That's the furthest  
> thing I could ever  
> want. _ **
> 
> **_If it's more relaxing,  
>  you can move under  
> the covers. Hank likes  
> to keep the AC very  
> cool, and I know that  
> warmth often aids in  
> mitigating stress and   
> adding comfort. _ **
> 
> **_Only if it feels more  
> _ _comfortable for you._ **
> 
> **_Whatever helps you._ **

He offered. It only seemed fair that Gavin should be warm too, if Connor was. And perhaps a physical comfort would ease the situation? Human's often felt more at ease when they were on a level playing field. If Gavin was reclined to the same level as Connor, it would be more reassuring. It was a logical solution. 

For some reason, the response was delayed. Gavin didn't answer right away. Instead he swallowed. Fidgeted a little more. Rubbed the back of his neck.

“You sure?” He said, finally. 

Connor hoped his conclusion had been correct. He didn't want to make the man feel awkward. Or feel obliged to do what he had suggested, if he didn't want that. Though… Gavin wasn't one for doing something he didn't want to do. He was a man that knew what he wanted, unafraid to let that be known, even if it meant he came across in a negative light. It was another one of the many things Connor admired about him.

> ** _Of course._ **
> 
> ** _Truth be told, the only  
>  reason I lie down is  
> because Hank told me  
> it was strange if I   
> didn't. _ **
> 
> ** _I don't really  
>  understand what he  
> meant by that. But it  
> made him appear less  
> bothered, so I chose  
> to comply, since it  
> makes no difference  
> to me. _ **

Gavin puffed out a small breath of amusement,  seeming to almost visibly relax at Connor's words. Shoulders gradually dropping, fidgeting slowing. Humming acknowledgement to the message, and rubbing the back of his neck. A few beats later, he itched his stubble. Rubbed the scar on his nose. Seemingly working through something internally. Connor would certainly allow him that. Gavin was always so patient with him, Connor would of course, return that respect. 

Eventually the man pulled himself under the covers. Pausing for a short amount of time, before shuffling down further. Laying next to Connor.

In a classic Gavin move, the man turned to humor to alleviate any personal discomfort.

“You really sleep upright?” He asked with a snort, careful to keep his voice quiet. 

> ** _Of course.  
>   
>  Did you not see the  
> _ _android_ _stations in  
>  the_ _precinct?_ **

“Wait. You use those?”

> **_No, not any more. No  
> _ _one does. They're not  
> _ _deemed acceptable  
> _ _by the 2039 'Android  
> _ _Rights_ _Act'._ **
> 
> ** _However, I did when  
> _ _I first began working  
> _ _with the_ _DPD._ **

Gavin huffed another amused breath. “That’s kinda weird. Standing up when you’re sleepin’.”

> ** _Hank thought the  
> _ _same._ **
> 
> **_I don’t see why._ **

“Don't know. People think things that are different are weird, I guess.”

It was an apt observation. One Connor certainly agreed with.

> ** _Am I weird?_ **

He asked.  Gavin snorted. A real sound of amusement, this time. Belatedly covering his mouth with a hand in a weak attempt to quieten the noise that was already out there.

> ** _Why did you_ _laugh?_ **
> 
> **_I’m different to other  
> _ _androids._ _Would that  
>  not be __classed as  
>  weird,_ _by human  
>  standards?_ **

Gavin stifled a snicker. “Yeah, Con. You’re a fuckin' weirdo.” He whispered, humor strong in his tone.

> ** _Is that a good_ _thing?_ **

The man seemed to really be struggling to not laugh. “Yeah, s’fine.”

> **_Okay._ **
> 
> ** _Thank you for  
> _ _telling me._ **

“Welcome.”

Connor didn’t know why the man had found all of that so amusing, but he didn’t question it. It was nice hearing him so pleased.

No one spoke for a little while more. Gavin shuffled around a few times, perhaps trying to get more comfortable.

> ** _Are you going to  
> _ _sleep?_ **

“… Are you?”

> ** _I think I'm going  
>  to try, yes._ **

There was a fairly big hesitation, considering the simplicity of the question.

“… Guess I will, too.” Gavin said finally.

It went quiet again.  Gavin eventually turned on his side, away from the android. Still very much awake.

Connor tried to wrack his brain for why Gavin might be acting like this. The man seemed unsure. Something he rarely was around Connor. 

They were in close proximity, certainly. But they had been before, previous to this event. This morning for example, they had essentially hugged for a good amount of time. How was this… any diff… oh. 

Oh.

This was a different type of closeness. 

This might not be an ideal situation for Gavin. 

In human terms, this could be classed as intimate. Sharing a bed together. This might be why Gavin seemed off. Gavin might not want this level of intimacy with Connor. 

He had to rectify the situation immediately. 

> ** _Gavin._ **
> 
> ** _This doesn’t have to  
> _ _mean anything._ **

Connor sent, hoping the clarity in the statement would reassure him. He didn't want Gavin to feel any sort of pressure or expectation. Connor _had_ no expectation. Though Gavin often exceeded Connor's beliefs, time and time again. There were so many things to admire about him. So much more he wanted to know and explore. 

It was strange.

Gavin hadn't responded, but Connor knew the man was awake. He'd heard Gavin’s phone vibrate. Heard the blanket shift as he moved to read the message.

Then nothing.

Nothing for a good minute.

Then two.

Finally, Connor could hear faint taps on a screen.

** _What if I want it to  
_ _mean something_ **

Gavin said.

Connor read the text. 

Read it again. 

Connor read the text again. 

The words couldn't seem to hit him right. He… couldn't make sense of what that meant. Because… Gavin wouldn't want that, would he.

Would he?

With Connor?

Suddenly the calm the android had been experiencing was replaced by something else. Not a bad thing per se, but certainly something different, considering his heart was now thumping faster in his chest. _Faster_.

Gavin… wanted that?

With Connor?

Connor read the words again.

** _ This doesn’t have to  
_ _ mean anything. _ **

**_ What if I want it to  
mean something _ **

Again.

** _ This doesn’t have to  
_ _ mean anything. _ **

**_ What if I want it to  
mean something _ **

He…

It— 

He…?

… 

Oh.

… Oh.

> ** _Do you want it to  
> _ _mean something?_ **

Connor sent back. Swallowed. Held his breath.

** _Do you_ **

> **_Yes_. **

Neither of them moved. Did anything.

Connor felt like his heart was in his throat. He was supposed to be trying to sleep. This felt like the opposite of that, but it also felt equally, if not more important.

** _Ok_ **

It was quiet.

Silent, in fact.  Connor was certain his Thirium Pump was somehow audible at the rate it was going.

> **_Okay._ **

He said.

No one moved.  No one breathed. 

What now? Now what did they do? Connor was alert. Wired at this development. But he had no idea what else to do.

So he asked.

> ** _What do we do  
> _ _now?_ **

Gavin snorted. A real laugh.

The same noise abruptly exploded out of Connor, but _much_ louder. Gavin rolled over so fast his phone bounced off the bed and onto the carpet, the man half whispering, half snickering a desperate/horrified: _“Shh!”_

It was such a surprising turn of events, that the both of them just stared at one another for several seconds, eyes wide in the dim room. 

Then they were both stifling laughter like a pair of small children.

Connor actually had to turn his face into the pillow because he got too loud, trying to muffle the sound as not to wake Hank in the room next door. Once he pulled himself back together enough to look over, he realised they were laying a lot closer to one another than he initially remembered. Both still chuckling, but softer now. Nervous, but not in a bad way.

Gavin’s face was illuminated blue by Connor's L.E.D. He looked different, somehow. Open in a way Connor hadn't seen before. There was something distinct in the expression that he couldn't quite place. 

“Hank better not’ve heard that.” 

Connor huffed an amused sound. It was unlikely. Shook his head, which proved to be a strange movement when leaning against a pillow. But the meaning got across.

“Fuckin’ loud.” Gavin said. Grinning. 

Connor hummed another quiet laugh, lips pursing together in a poor attempt to try and hold back the sound. 

“If he fuckin’ comes in here, I’m dead. We might as well start planning my funeral now.” 

> IT'S UNLIKELY HE WOULD.
> 
> HE'S A HEAVY SLEEPER, AND
> 
> HE WOULDN'T COME IN
> 
> WITHOUT WARNING.

Connor projected. Gavin flinched slightly at the brightness of the image, the android instantly inverting the color to a black background and white font. 

“Thank fuck for that.”

> I WILL OF COURSE, MAKE A 
> 
> SMALL  CONTRIBUTION TO 
> 
> YOUR FUNERAL  COSTS. IT'S 
> 
> THE LEAST I COULD DO,
> 
> CONSIDERING MY ACTIONS WILL
> 
> HAVE LED TO YOUR DEMISE. 

Gavin snorted. “Fuck’s sake.” He complained, but in a way that sounded good. Snatching Connor's hand away like it was something they did every day. Forcing their fingers to interlink. Palms touching. That was… That felt very nice. They hadn't held hands in such a way before. Not so intertwined and close. Connor liked it a lot. And he was allowed it, wasn't he. Was he? …Was he? Maybe he wasn't…  He tried to think about it more carefully for a moment. Gavin wanted it, otherwise he wouldn't have completed the action in the first place. And Connor certainly wanted it. So it seemed like it should be allowed? It was something they both wanted. That seemed like it was allowed.

God. 

This was so confusing. All of it. Trying to figure out what he was and wasn't allowed. Trying to understand why this was even a line of thinking in his head in the first place.

In all honestly felt a little… unbelievable. Unreal, even. 

Connor couldn't believe he was here. That they were here together, like this. That only an hour or two ago, he'd felt completely destroyed in Riverside Park. 

And now this?

This entirely unprecedented thing. A complete contradiction to how he'd been feeling for so long. To know that Gavin _wanted_ this? That he wanted it to be more? He'd said that, hadn't he. Connor read the text again. _**What if I want it to mean something**_. He _wanted_ this. Gavin wanted it to mean something. It was right there, in writing. Visual proof. Connor didn't understand how the man could want that with someone like him, but right now, the sheer idea of him actually wanting it swelled his chest with such affection, it overtook that negative thought process entirely. Admittedly, Connor wasn't quite sure how to handle all of this. But for now, in this moment? He was certain that he didn't want it to stop. 

Eyes met a few moments later, and they both chuckled quietly. Embarrassed, but not uncomfortably so. It was just a little different. Neither of them really sure what to do.

“What are you thinking?” Gavin asked.

Connor wasn’t all that certain, if he was honest. Somehow it was both everything and nothing at all. Gavin also had Connor's hand, which wasn't quite so helpful in this current situation.

Suddenly the man realised that.

“Oh— shit, wait—” Gavin whispered, letting go and swivelling over, hands (presumably) searching up and down the mattress for his phone.

The android grinned.

“F— F— Fl— Fl-oor— oor— oor.” He jerkily whispered, feeling heat crawl up his neck as the word escaped without his say so. Tried not to let it upset him, that it had. To focus on Gavin instead. Gavin didn’t mind when he spoke. Connor knew this. Gavin didn’t mind. It was okay. It was okay. 

The man was reaching down to the ground in a very awkward and uncomfortable looking way. Surely getting out of the bed to pick the device up would be simpler? But it seemed like Gavin’s aim was to not leave the mattress at all. He made a small, strained sound, followed shortly after by a pleased one, and then he was back, shuffling to get comfortable again, phone in hand.

The entire action had been fairly amusing.

How effortlessly Gavin could push away Connor’s self doubts.

> ** _Are you finished?_ **

The device buzzed, and Gavin checked the message, snorting. “Impatient.”

> **_You’re being very  
> _ _dramatic._ **

“Me? Dramatic? Nah.”

They were both grinning. Knees touching under the covers. 

> **_What are we doing?_ **

“No fuckin' clue.”

Silence.

Then more stifled laughter escaping.

“Shit— Connor— you’re being _way_ too fuckin' loud—” He laughed.

> ** _How am I? You're  
> _ _the only_ _one  
> _ ** **_talking._ **

Gavin grinned and shoved his arm lightly, so Connor shoved back. Though he slightly miscalculated the amount of strength and actually _shoved_ Gavin. Several centimetres back across the bed. Connor slapped a hand over his mouth in surprise, L.E.D. yellow, eyes wide. There was a split second when the android worried he’d hurt the other, but the fact that Gavin was now practically curled into a ball, arm against his mouth trying to stop laughter from escaping had that worry dissipating into oblivion.

“Shit, we’re bein’ so fucking _loud—”_ Gavin whispered through his mirth, “I swear to fuck if Hank hears this 'n comes in.”

> THE DECIBELS OF YOUR
> 
> LAUGH ARE HARDLY
> 
> ENOUGH FOR ANY HUMAN
> 
> TO PICK UP WHEN ASLEEP.

Connor projected onto his hand, careful to keep the colors inverted. 

“Trust you to be counting that shit." 

The android smiled wide.

This all felt so new, yet somehow so familiar. And so good. Connor didn’t know that he could feel like this. He'd never allowed it. Certainly not for this long. He wondered if it was okay, letting himself have it for this long. Gavin seemed pleased. That was a good thing. Connor was pleased too. Both reasons for why it could be allowed. Summer said he was allowed good things. She'd said that. So had Gavin.

It was allowed. It must be?

He shuffled down the bed after another moment, settling himself next to Gavin, the pair lying on their backs, now. Shoulders touching. Looking up at the ceiling.

It was quiet for a touch. Neither of them felt the need to fill the silence, discomfort long gone, the occasional puff of amused breath drawing in a quick glance from one another.

It was nice.

Quiet.

Just being.

“You put those stars up?” Gavin asked a little later.

Connor’s eyes moved to the other corner of the room. There was a collection of fourteen stars in varying sizes adhered to the ceiling, only mildly fluorescent now due to their age.

> ** _No._ **
> 
> **_They were Cole’s._ **

“… So this is…?”

> ** _This used to be  
> _ _Cole’s room, yes._ **
> 
> ** _A few months after  
> _ _sleeping on Hank’s  
> _ _couch, he offered  
> _ _me this room  
> _ _instead._ **
> 
> ** _He told me that Cole  
> _ _would have been  
> _ _happy to know his  
> _ _room_ _was being  
>  used by __me._ **
> 
> ** _I never used to  
> _ _believe that._ **

“And now?”

> **_Depends on the day._ **   
>  **_Sometimes_ _I do,  
>  sometimes_ _I don’t._**

“Mm.”

It went quiet again. Both thinking their own respective thoughts. A little later, the back of Gavin’s hand touched his. Without breaking contact, Connor slipped his hand over and settled their palms together. Fingers intertwining comfortably. 

There was something about this that felt so incredibly right. And Connor knew he wasn't just thinking about how the measurements of Gavin's hand seemed to align flawlessly with his own. 

It was good.

Maybe even… allowed. 

Checking a brief diagnostic, he was glad to note that his stress levels were finally in a good place. 

Connor let his eyes close, exhaling a long, quiet breath. Focused on the feeling of Gavin’s hand in his. Of their arms touching. The warmth from the body alongside.

The prompt for stasis appeared almost slowly. Like it didn’t want to startle him, but was gently suggesting that he enter it.

Whilst he was in this frame of mind: calm, his thoughts quiet, and laying down with someone he deeply cared about, he chose to accept.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'I Want More' by Tedeschi Trucks Band.
> 
> Again, so sorry for the slight delay on this 'whole' chapter. I reworked so much of Part I and II. I hope it was worth the wait.
> 
> I'll try to aim for the usual 2 day update, but in these final few chapters there may be some later uploads! Thanks for sticking with me this far :)


	14. I like it when you sleep, for you are so beautiful yet so unaware of it

Waking up seemed to take a long time. 

A very long time. 

Connor kept opening his eyes slowly and trying to look around, only to find himself doing the same action again a while later. Over and over, slipping in and out of stasis. Final updates installing. 

A couple of times he caught a voice trying to talk to him, but the words didn’t register, and he couldn’t seem to respond. 

Gradually he managed to tilt his head to the side, arm reaching out slowly. The sheets felt cold… Connor was alone. The space once occupied was empty.

Connor stared at the vacant area for a couple of minutes. At the neatly made side of the bed. No trace of evidence left behind. Stared a little longer, trying to get a handle on the thought processes that were still booting up. Knowing he wanted to think about a specific thing, but not able to fully grasp what that was just yet. Trying to focus on the other things he could, for the moment. 

It was daylight; the blinds were now drawn, small beams of light peeking in through the cracks. Could hear gentle murmurs of the TV. Birdsong, and distant traffic. Rain spotting on the roof. Could hear the occasional quiet bark from Sumo, followed by Hank's grumbling responses. It was nice. Peaceful. Connor felt entirely relaxed for the first time in weeks. And it wasn't all that bad, truth be told: this slow feeling. Connor felt calm. No longer thinking about the negative things. It would have to end at some point, he supposed. Though he let himself revel in the sensation for a little while longer. 

Eventually, things seemed to click into place. 

**115 MICHIGAN DRIVE  
** Detroit

ᴰᴬᵀᴱ  
**JUL 23RD,** 2039

ᵀᴵᴹᴱ  
PM **05:33** :57

Blinked. 

Sucked in a long breath.

Exhaled. 

Time for reality. 

Pushing up slowly, Connor ran a hand across his face. Through his hair. Actions he had undoubtedly picked up from Hank during their time spent living together. 

Finally his CPU was no longer lagging; and what a feeling that was. For his systems to actually be fully functional? Connor pulled  up a diagnostic, running through the data. Everything that needed updating had been. Refreshingly, there were no more lingering prompts in his vision, telling him to complete bug fixes and storage regulation. Telling him all of the things that were physically wrong with him. They were all gone. In fact, his vision was remarkably clear. Aside from a few unread messages he’d received from Gavin at different times during stasis.

** _Text me when  
_ _you’re up x_ **

**_Are you still  
_ _asleep??_ **

**_Wtf lol how are  
_ _you still sleeping_ **

> ** _I’m awake now._ **

He replied, smiling. Feeling a flutter of warmth at the memories of last night resurfacing. The good things that had happened. The texts. The touching. Sharing the bed, and falling asleep beside Gavin. That had been… unreal. Had it even happened? It almost felt questionable.  Something like that, happening to Connor. Something so good? Connor reread their text exchange again, just to reassure himself. Then again. And it _was_ real, somehow. Somehow, despite everything? All the hardships Connor had faced; all the worries and stresses he'd caused for the man… and Gavin still wanted this. 

God. It seemed unbelievable. 

Gavin liked him.

He… 

Connor smiled. Felt the warmth growing. Tingling in his Thirium lines: information spreading all over his body, stating that without a doubt, Connor felt incredibly fond of Gavin. And Gavin felt it back. To a point, at least. 

There was admittedly a touch of uncertainty. With Connor there always was. But he supposed at least now he could revisit the memories from last night more clearly, should he want to ruminate further. Stasis had blissfully organized and stored everything away. Later, perhaps. For once, Connor wanted to hold onto the calm. He knew his overactive imagination would eventually bring him down at some point anyway. But not right now, if he could help it. 

Pushing out of bed, Connor left his sleepwear on and headed through to the living room.

“Thought you’d never wake up.” Hank greeted from the kitchen. 

Connor quirked a warm smile, then found himself looking at the ground without meaning to, heart suddenly thumping. Like he’d forgotten how much he'd been struggling, being at home with Hank. Like he’d forgotten how socially anxious he had become in the past few months. Forgotten, that having someone else’s eyes on him was hard to handle.  Not Gavin’s eyes, though. That felt easier, somehow.

“You feel better?”

Nodded. Felt exposed, suddenly, stood in the middle of the living room. Glancing up only when Sumo’s nails skittered across the wood floor towards him. He knelt down in front, smiling wide and greeting the dog with a good pat. Sumo loved to be fussed, and Connor loved to fuss him. It was also a welcome intervention for any conversations that should arise. He wanted to talk about last night without prompt from the other man. Connor wanted to be the one to bring it up, when he felt comfortable enough to do so. 

It took him nearly an hour to build up the courage. In which time he showered and changed upon Hank’s suggestion, then loitered in his bedroom, trying to make himself do something. Trying to think on some of the things Summer had told him last night, but none of it really applied to now. They'd barely spoken about the topic of him and Hank; there had been too many other immediately pressing matters that demanded their attention. He felt a little lost with it all. Unsure of how to approach, but knowing he needed to do something, all the same. 

When he finally built up enough inner strength (which in truth, was closer to him just ‘taking the plunge’ and risking it), he left his room and sat next to the man on the couch, holding up a hand. Inverting the projection back to its usual white background. 

> HANK. I’M SO SORRY
> 
> ABOUT LAST NIGHT.

There was a moment of quiet whilst Hank read. Then his lip twisted a little, sitting up straighter. He paused the TV, but didn’t seem like he knew what else to say. Shrugged.

“Shit happens, kid.”

> I JUST WANT YOU TO
> 
> KNOW, I DIDN’T INTEND
> 
> FOR THAT TO HAPPEN. 
> 
> I WAS TRYING TO CLEAR
> 
> MY HEAD AFTER MY
> 
> APPOINTMENT, BUT THE 
> 
> OPPOSITE OCCURRED.

Another short pause. Then Hank nodded his understanding, trying to catch the android's eye. Connor met his gaze briefly when he spoke,

“It’s alright, Connor. I know you didn’t do it on purpose…”

Connor felt his lip twist down. 

> BUT IT COULD HAVE
> 
> BEEN AVOIDED HAD
> 
> I BEEN LOOKING
> 
> AFTER MYSELF MORE.

“Maybe.” 

> HANK. I’M TRULY SORRY. 

He projected, letting out a quiet, shuddering breath. He hadn't meant to get emotional. At least it felt manageable now. More under control, unlike recent days.

“I know you are, kid. M’sorry too.”

Connor's brow furrowed, unsure of what the man could possibly mean.

> FOR WHAT?

“I don’t know. I just… feel like I failed you. Like I could’ve been doing more to help.”

That was absolutely not true. 

> HANK, YOU HAVE NEVER FAILED
> 
> ME. I PROMISE YOU THAT. YOU
> 
> CAN'T HELP SOMEONE IF THEY
> 
> WON'T LET YOU. I WOULDN'T
> 
> LET YOU.

The lieutenant seemed to read that message for a little longer than most.

“Why wouldn’t you?” 

Connor exhaled. Looked away for a moment, chewing his lip. Trying to come up with a feasible answer. But he didn’t really have one. 

> I DON’T KNOW… IT WAS
> 
> TOO HARD. AFTER A
> 
> WHILE I FELT LIKE I’D
> 
> LEFT IT FOR TOO LONG.

It felt like a pitiful excuse. But somehow, surprisingly, Hank made a knowing sound.  It caught the android’s attention, glancing back uncertainly. 

“It’s a vicious cycle, isn’t it.” The lieutenant said, nodding. “You wait because you think you can handle it, then when you finally realise you can’t, it feels like it’s too late to ask for help. Like you got yourself into the mess, so you should be able to get yourself out… 'N the longer you leave it, the harder it gets, 'cause you ‘never should’ve let yourself get to that stage in the first place’… Makes you feel like you failed. Shit’s hard, kid. It’s hard to let other people see that side of you. You don't wanna confirm to them that you’re a failure, 'cause that just makes it real. Makes it feel ten times worse.” 

Oh.

Perhaps Hank did understand…

Perhaps… more than Connor had ever given him credit for. 

“I get it, kid. Really.” Hank said, eyes soft and sympathetic. “Been there a hundred times, ’n I know how shitty it is. It’s hard to get outta that mindset.” He paused a moment, perhaps to let the words settle. Or perhaps simply to gather his own thoughts. “But you know I’m here, right? You know you can tell me anything. No matter how big or small, you can talk to me, Connor.”

> I DO KNOW.
> 
> THANK YOU.

He said, looking away. Because he did know. He just needed to make himself believe that. 

“… You… seem to be able to talk to Gavin ‘bout this stuff.” Hank said. Connor glanced up at the mention. Tried to glean a sense of how that made the man feel, but his face gave nothing away. 

> SOMETIMES. 

“That’s… good, kid. Sometimes it’s easier to open up with other people.” 

He nodded. But Gavin didn't feel like ‘other people’. He felt like more than that. 

“I’m not gonna pry,” Hank said, and Connor felt his Thirium Pump practically flip in his chest, “it’s private stuff and I don’t need to know if you don’t want me to. But… The appointment last night?” 

Connor almost deflated, thinking he’d wanted to talk about Gavin. Then the meaning of the sentence caught up, and he stiffened more.

“Do you think it helped, or…?”

The android swallowed. That wasn’t so bad. He could answer that. 

> I THINK THERE’S MUCH
> 
> MORE TO BE DISCUSSED.
> 
> BUT IN MANY WAYS IT
> 
> WAS ENLIGHTENING.

“You think you’ll go back?”

Connor nodded. 

> I THINK I HAVE TO.

“Have to?”

> I NEED TO DO THIS FOR
> 
> MYSELF. IF I WANT TO
> 
> IMPROVE, THIS IS ONE
> 
> WAY FORWARD THAT 
> 
> COULD BE BENEFICIAL.

“That’s good, kid. I’m… real glad you’re doin’ this for yourself… I feel like I could’ve pushed you to go to therapy in the past, but if you didn’t want it, it would've just made you resent me. This stuff has to come from you. I can’t force you to do it.” 

Connor stared at him for a few seconds, trying to fathom the words.

God…

Hank had been helping Connor so much, without him even knowing. He could have been pushing for things, and never had, because the lieutenant knew it wasn't the right thing to do. No matter how many wrong things Hank might have unintentionally done or said in the past, it was things like this that made Connor feel even more affectionate towards the man. Made him remember just how good and important Hank was to him. 

> YOU’RE RIGHT. AND I’M GLAD
> 
> YOU DIDN’T TRY TO MAKE 
> 
> ME GO. I NEEDED TO MAKE
> 
> THAT DECISION FOR MYSELF
> 
> I’M SO GRATEFUL YOU
> 
> GAVE ME THAT CHANCE. 

Hank read the words a moment. Then the corner of his lip rose, and he glanced up. Eyes meeting.

“I’m just glad you’re open to the idea of helping yourself. It’s a great first step. Proud of you, kid.”

Connor… looked at Hank, something inside jolting with surprise. 

Hank was proud? Of him? 

> YOU ARE? 

He asked. 

“Hell yeah I am. Takes a lot of guts to ask for help. You’re doin’ the best you can, Connor. Can’t fault you for that.”

Connor felt like he might cry. 

Hank was proud of him. Hank thought Connor was doing his best.

Two things Connor had _always_ assumed were untrue. And Hank had said them both within the space of 12 seconds.

> HANK, YOU HAVE NO
> 
> IDEA HOW MUCH THAT
> 
> MEANS TO ME. TRULY.
> 
> THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

He projected, unsure of what his own expression was, but knowing it was likely filled with some intense emotions. 

The lieutenant proceeded to get a little embarrassed, huffing a self-conscious chuckle and briefly looking away. 

“Any time, kid. M’here for you, alright? You’re gonna get past this.”

With the way Connor was feeling right now, he felt like he just might.

> THANK YOU, HANK. IF YOU 
> 
> NEED ANY HELP WITH YOUR
> 
> OWN THINGS, PLEASE DON'T
> 
> HESITATE TO TALK TO ME. EVEN
> 
> IF IT FEELS LIKE IT'S GONE ON 
> 
> TOO LONG AND IT'S TOO LATE.
> 
> IT'S NEVER TOO LATE. I WANT
> 
> TO HELP YOU TOO, IF I CAN.

A few moments later, Hank shook his head. 

“You help me every day, kid. Whether you know it or not.”

Connor paused, needing a moment to try and comprehend what that meant. He wasn't sure how he could possibly have been helping. Not recently. Hadn’t his actions been hurting Hank all of this time? What could Connor possibly do that would help Hank, every day no less? 

Confusion must have been evident on his face, because the man filled in the blanks without prompt. 

“Seein’ your dumb face keeps me goin’, Connor. You, uh… You helped me remember. What it’s like to care about stuff again.” Hank said, rubbing a hand over his beard a few moments. Seemingly thinking carefully about his next words. “After Cole.” He began, quiet for a beat. Continuing, “After that, I didn’t care about much for a long time. Least of all myself… Then… You came along. And for some reason, God knows why, you seemed to give a shit or two about me.” He chuckled a self-deprecating sound. Sobered a short moment later. “You helped me to see things a little differently… To change some bad habits for the better… And you made me remember there were still things I cared about in this world. Enough to… stick around, y’know?” 

Connor swallowed, L.E.D. yellow, trying to take all of that in. What it meant. The significance behind those words.

> I DIDN’T KNOW.

“Yeah. Well…”

Connor had helped Hank to… keep going? He had? 

Emotion thickened in his throat. 

> EVEN AFTER
> 
> EVERYTHING
> 
> I'VE DONE?

“After all the shit you've been through? Yeah, kid. Even then.”

Connor tried to reel in his emotions. He didn't want them to externalise. Not like this. But God, they suddenly felt so intense at the information Hank had disclosed.

_He_ had done that? Connor? Had helped Hank?

And Connor had _still_ been helping him, despite all of the bad things he'd done?

That was… 

God, that was… Hank was… _such_ a good person. He deserved _so_ much, and more. Connor wanted to give him all of it. 

> I'M SO GLAD YOU FEEL THAT
> 
> WAY. THAT YOU WANT TO
> 
> STICK AROUND. IF THAT
> 
> EVER CHANGES, PLEASE TELL
> 
> ME. I WANT YOU TO BE HERE
> 
> FOR AS LONG AS YOU CAN.

Hank's lip quirked after he read the message. “That why you’re always tryin’ to get me to eat that rabbit food shit?”

Connor felt his own expression mirror. Felt amusement bubble in his chest.

> IT'S CALLED SALAD. I DON'T
> 
> IMAGINE RABBITS WOULD
> 
> CONSUME SUCH A MEAL.

“You sure about that?”

> I HAVEN’T RESEARCHED THE
> 
> EATING PATTERNS OF RABBITS,
> 
> TRUTHFULLY. I COULD PUT
> 
> ASIDE SOME TIME TO CHECK
> 
> IF THAT WOULD BE OF SOME
> 
> USE TO YOU?

Hank snorted. Clapped the android’s shoulder and pushed upright. 

“There’s the Connor I know and love.” He chuckled, heading into the kitchen with his empty coffee cup.

A warmth rose in Connor’s chest. It wasn’t the same kind he felt for Gavin, but it was close. This felt more familial, he decided. Platonic, and strong. 

The android cleared his throat, catching the other’s eye after a moment. Projecting the letters bigger.

> I LOVE YOU
> 
> TOO, HANK. 

Hank seemed very abashed at the words. Connor felt a little as well, for some reason. They weren’t very good at talking and communicating most of the time, but now and then, they had their moments. They spoke their truth, and didn’t hold back. And those moments were good. This moment was good. 

“Yeah, yeah, alright— leave the mushy stuff out’ve it.” Hank said, looking anywhere but Connor. But smiling. 

It was a good moment.  Maybe one of the best they’d ever had.

It was definitely up there.

Perhaps for the first time in a month, Connor began to feel more at ease in the house.  Somehow they’d talked, and it hadn’t been bad? He'd always expected their talks to be so awful… to be broaching topics he couldn't handle, or saying things that were more harmful than helpful. Connor had constantly expected the worst possible scenario. And somehow… this hadn't been that. 

Was this how it could always be, if he entered stasis regularly? Could he and Hank communicate better, if Connor was more careful with his own health? It seemed possible. 

Whatever the case, he felt comfortable enough now that he remained in the living room a while longer, allowing Hank to settle down on the sofa next to him. It'd been so long since they'd done anything remotely like this. So long since Connor had felt relaxed enough to. And even if this was only a brief moment of peace with Hank, at least for a short while, things had felt almost normal again. For the first time in so long, Connor didn't feel urgency to leave Hank's presence. He remained there, joining the man in watching reruns of an old cop show. Which was surprisingly inaccurate considering its age. Though he supposed the inaccuracy was what made Hank enjoy it more. He liked to poke fun at the plot holes and errors whilst they watched. Admittedly, some of the errors _were_ amusing because they were so obviously imprecise. 

This was how it should be.

It was how it always should have been. 

Though, for now, Connor felt like he'd perhaps met his limit. He'd spent a good hour and a half with Hank, and had a very important conversation with him too. That felt like enough for today. He needed a break. And a text from Gavin had just popped up, which he wanted to read as soon as he could.

The time was little after 08PM, so Connor excused himself for the rest of night. There was a look of question, and he could see that Hank didn't quite understand why Connor needed to go so early. But the man didn't make any comment, despite his visible uncertainty. Which Connor was grateful for. He wasn't sure if he could handle responding to that question, with an answer he didn't have. 

A minute later, Connor settled on top of his bed, exhaling. Admittedly, he felt some relief at being in his own space again. Spending time around certain people was draining, though Connor didn't quite understand why that was. There was no logical reasoning he'd come up with, at present. Perhaps he would ask Summer. 

Anyway. He had a text that needed checking.

The android couldn't help the smile curling his lips when he brought up the message, absently glancing at the space beside where he'd last seen Gavin.

** _You were out for  
like 15 __hours wtf_ **

> **_14 hours and 42  
> _ _minutes._ **
> 
> ** _And 12 seconds._ **

** _Thanks for that_ **

> ** _You’re welcome,  
> _ _Gavin._ **

**_How did you go so  
_ _long that’s_ _insane_ **

> ** _I had a lot of missed  
> _ _updates and bug  
> _ _fixes._ **
> 
> ** _And 25 days of  
> _ _memories to  
> _ _organize._ **

**_Shit_ **

** _You went that long  
_ _huh_ **

> ** _Yes…_ **
> 
> ** _I shouldn’t have._ **

** _It is what it is_ **

** _You feel better after  
_ _sleeping?_ **

> **_Stasis._ **

He corrected.

> ** _And much, thank you._ **

** _You feel better after  
SLEEPING?_**

Connor fought to keep his lip straight.

> **_I wouldn't know,  
>  Gavin. Androids don't  
> 'sleep'. _ **

**_I'll get you one day  
_**

Connor fiddled with the cuffs of his shirt, smiling.

> **_We'll see._ **
> 
> **_Did you sleep much?_ **

** _A little_ **

** _Was kinda paranoid  
_ _Hank_ _would see us  
lol_ **

> ** _When did you leave?_  
> **

** _Around 7_ **

**_Before he was up_ **

Oh. That wasn't good. 

> ** _You’ve not slept well._  
> **
> 
> **_I’m sorry, I shouldn’t  
> _ _have asked you to  
> _ _stay._ **

** _Nah_ **

** _Glad you did_ **

> ** _You are?_ **

** _Yeah_ **

** _Was nice_ **

> **_It was._ **

** _You fell asleep tho_**

> ** _I did. I hope that was  
> _ _okay._ **

** _More than_ **

** _Was kinda funny_**

> **_:)_ **

** _Haha_ **

> ** _How was work?_ **

** _Boring tbh_ **

** _Not much going on  
_ _today_ **

> ** _Was Tina not there?_ **

**_I was in the field part  
of the day and when  
I got back she was  
on patrol with Rob_ **

**_So_ **

** _tldr, no_ **

Connor had to research that last message, unsure of the meaning behind the acronym, or if it even was one. (It was).

> **_I'm sorry you didn’t  
> _ _have the best day._ **

** _Nah it’s fine_ **

** _Chilling at home now  
_ _so it’s all good_ **

> **_Are you well?_ **

** _Yeah you_ **

> ** _I am._ **
> 
> ** _I had a good talk  
> _ _with Hank._ **

** _Yeah?_ **

> **_Yes. I feel better  
> _ _about a lot of things._ **

** _That’s good_ **

> ** _I also wanted to  
> _ _apologize again for  
>  last __night. It was a lot.  
> _ _I understand if you  
> _ _wish to reduce the  
> _ _time we spend  
> _ _together._ **

**_??_ **

Connor wasn’t sure how else he could phrase the message for it to be more understandable.

> ** _I’m sorry about last  
> _ _night. I can imagine it  
> _ _was stressful for_ _you,  
> _** **_and if you need to  
> _ _take a break, or stop  
> _ _talking with me, I  
> _ _understand._ **

There was a short pause in replies, which Connor found odd. Then four arrived in quick succession. 

** _Ok firstly last night  
_ _was shitty yeah but  
we all __got through it  
_ _and no one got hurt_ **

**_Second_ **

** _I don’t want to stop  
_ _hanging out with you  
_**

** _Unless you want to  
_ _stop hanging out  
_ _with me_ **

> ** _I don’t want that._ **

** _Then don’t say dumb  
_ _shit like that_ **

> ** _Okay._ **

** _Shit I meant that in  
_ _a jokey way_ **

** _That came across  
_ _shitty I wasn’t trying  
_ _to kick your ass_ **

> ** _Weren’t you?_ **

** _._ **

** _Maybe kinda_ **

**_But only_ _bc you say  
stuff like __that when  
it’s obvious __it’s not  
true_ **

**_When have I ever  
_ _given you the  
_ _impression I don’t  
_ _wanna hang out?_ **

** _Past me excluded_ **

> **_I suppose I’ve not  
>  noticed a __specific  
>  occurrence._ **

** _Exactly_ **

** _So keep your  
_ _dumbass mouth  
_ _shut x_ **

Connor's lip curled.

> **_You have a way with  
> _ _words._ **

** _Hell yes I do_ **

> ** _Peculiar. But not  
> _ _off-putting._ **

** _Better not be_ **

> **_Now you sound like  
> _ _you’re threatening  
> _ _me._ **
> 
> **_About your own  
> _ _choice in wording._ **

** _Well maybe I am_ **

> ** _Hm._ **
> 
> ** _I am smiling at this._  
> **

** _Ugh_ **

> ** _What’s wrong?_ **

** _I’m trying to be  
_ _annoying and then  
_ _you have to go and  
_ _say that_ **

> ** _Was that the wrong  
> _ _response?_ **

** _No it was fucking  
_ _cute and now I’m  
_ _smiling_ **

Connor felt his cheeks warm at the sentiment.

> **_That made me smile  
> _ _more._ **

** _uGh_ **

> ** _:)_ **

** _Stop that_ **

> **_Stop what?_**
> 
> ** _:)_ **

** _Fucks sake_**

> ** _:(_ **

**_You’re infuriating  
_ _sometimes_**

> ** _I could say the  
> _ _same about you. x_**

** _Touché x_**

*****

Today had been good. Not all of it. But a lot more of it than usual. He supposed stasis had helped a lot with that, as well as his respective conversations with Hank and Gavin. He'd really needed that chat with the lieutenant; it had been put off for _far_ too long. They'd both been avoiding it, which had only served to make their relationship feel even more strained. And talking with Gavin, even just for a short while, helped immensely. That was a given by now. Connor was incredibly fond of him.

It was also probable that the therapy appointment last night had aided in alleviating some of his more negative thoughts, too. Summer had given him some ideas and techniques on how to monitor his headspace, which was good, but it wasn't going to be a consistent thing.  He knew it wasn't. The good feelings wouldn't last forever, they never did. And Connor was simply trying to look at this from a logical viewpoint. He felt okay now, yes, but that wasn't always going to be the case. He wasn't always going to be able to remember the good things that people had told him, nor would he always remember the important facts learned in therapy: rational thinking went out the window when Connor was doing badly. He favoured the negative over the positive, and that pushed the good thoughts out, without even giving them a chance to be considered. That was what happened when he was alone. 

Obviously there were a lot more issues that he needed to talk about. And having a few good conversations with the people he was closest to didn’t solve everything. Connor clearly had some problems. But… at least he was finally trying to deal with them, (very) little by (very) little. And right now, in this moment? Perhaps for the first time since his injury… since Gavin first showed him that compassion, back in May… Connor felt fractionally more positive about his future. That maybe things _could_ get better, given time.  Maybe he was allowed these good things. 

Maybe. 

*****

He didn’t sleep that night. 

There were different reasons for it, but the underlying one was that just because he had slept the night before, didn’t suddenly mean all his fears and intrusive thoughts had gone away. He still had underlying worries that he didn’t deserve it. That he wasn’t allowed to do it. And his stress levels had gone high enough that his body wouldn’t physically let him enter into stasis even if he'd wanted to. He had to be below 30%, and he was sitting on a steady 42. Connor also knew for a fact now that he could cope without stasis for a fair amount of time, so missing one night wouldn’t be too much of an issue. The past had proven he was capable. At present, he had barely any updates or bug fixes in comparison with the hoard from last night. One night without stasis wouldn’t hurt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These boys are _sickening_ , I tell you. SICKENING! 
> 
> 'I like it when you sleep, for you are so beautiful yet so unaware of it' by The 1975.
> 
> Upload times may be a little delayed for the final two chapters. I've essentially been rewriting/reworking everything since chapter 11 to make sure you guys get the best story I can give! But don't worry, it's not over yet!
> 
> (me literally just realising right now that i've been spelling 'realising' the british way this ENTIRE time? sigh) (also 'behaviour'. but 'behavior' just looked so wrong i couldn't make myself do it. it pains me to use americanised spelling u have no idea)


	15. We've Come So Far

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, so sorry for the delay. This chapter was a really tricky one to get right, and I considered splitting it into two again because it jumped up from 4k to 9k when I began editing. I think all I can say is to just take your time with it. Try and listen to what's being said. There's a lot of reflection here, towards the end especially, but sometimes that's what Connor does best. Thank you for sticking with me this far, it means so much. There's a lot of my own learnings projected into this story, and in this chapter particularly, but please remember that everyone's experience is different. I hope you enjoy.
> 
> _Minor alteration to the timeline (only applicable for current readers - new readers, don't u worry):_   
>  _For some reason I had it in my head that it was April when Gavin and Connor first 'met' again. That's not actually true, it was in fact the end of May. (It was the injury that was at the end of April). It's only been mentioned two times throughout but I will be going back to alter this now; it doesn't really make a difference to you or the story and tbh I probably didn't even need to mention it, but I just thought I would!_

> SHE ALSO INFORMED ME
> 
> THAT SOME OF THE 
> 
> RUNTIME ERRORS COULD
> 
> BE CLASSED AS ANOTHER 
> 
> FORM OF PANIC ATTACK…

Connor said after a beat. Jaw tightening. Looking away when heat crept up his neck. 

It was the following day, and he was sat at the tall tables in the break room with both Gavin and Tina. At first he’d been unsure of divulging some of this information in front of her, but ultimately decided that Gavin trusted her, and he trusted Gavin. So he should be able to trust Tina. And he wasn’t telling them both everything as it was, because the appointment was private, and Connor didn’t have to say anything if he didn’t want to. But he felt like he could express this much. 

“Kinda makes sense, I guess.” Gavin said after a moment. 

In the light of day his bruises were more visible, though they were healing well. But  Connor wasn’t looking at him right now. He wasn't looking at either of them. Eyes fixed on the first thing he could find, which turned out to be the vending machine at his right. It needed refilling. 

“I hope you don’t mind me asking, Connor.” Tina began, “But has this always happened? With the errors?”

He glanced at her briefly, but was unable to fully meet her eye. 

> NOT REALLY. I'VE HAD
> 
> PANIC ATTACKS IN THE 
> 
> PAST, BUT IT WASN’T LIKE
> 
> THAT. SUMMER SAID IT 
> 
> WAS ‘ANOTHER FORM’, SO 
> 
> ANDROIDS MUST HAVE
> 
> MORE THAN ONE WAY. 

“That’s rough.” Tina replied, absently touching the arm he had resting on the table. 

Touching him. 

Connor looked at her hand, unsure. Then realised she was only trying to reassure him, so he said nothing. He didn’t massively like it all the same. Not because it was her specifically, as he had no problem with Tina. But because he just wasn’t all that used to the sensation of physical comforting from people that weren't Hank or Gavin. Hank would occasionally pat him on the shoulder or back, but they were quick touches. Not lingering. Occasionally there would be a hug, but usually that was only if it was 'needed'. As for Gavin, well… that was a different situation all together. Connor's fondness of the man likely played into the appreciation of his touch.  Perhaps in time, he could grow to welcome Tina's touch too. Once they were friends. If they became friends.

> IT IS WHAT IT IS.

“Mm.” Gavin agreed. 

Tina removed her hand. Connor realised he’d been staring at it for too long and had likely given himself away. 

> I’D LIKE TO STOP
> 
> TALKING ABOUT THIS
> 
> NOW IF THAT’S OKAY.

“Yeah, of course. Sorry, Connor. I hope we didn’t pry too much.” Tina said.

Shook his head. They hadn’t. He'd only very briefly summarised some aspects of the appointment. 

She continued. “I just wanted you to know that you can talk to me about these things too, if you want. I’m not such a shitty listener as Gav makes me out to be.”

“Ay, I never said you were shitty.” The man huffed.

“Pretty sure you say that to me at least twice a day.” She replied, raising a stern brow. 

It was quiet for a moment. Then they were both sniggering. 

Connor smiled warmly at their endearing exchange. Managed to meet Tina's eye briefly after they'd finished. 

> THANK YOU. I TRULY 
> 
> APPRECIATE YOUR
> 
> SUPPORT AND HOPE
> 
> I CAN RECIPROCATE
> 
> SHOULD YOU NEED ANY
> 
> ASSISTANCE AS WELL.

“Thanks, Connor.” She said with a grin. The radio fastened at her shoulder squawked, and she put a hand to it, fingers hovering over the PTT button. “Alright you two, I gotta bounce.”

“See ya.”

> HAVE A GOOD DAY.

They watched her depart, sitting in quiet for half a minute or so, thinking their own thoughts.

“Ay.” Gavin spoke up suddenly, catching his eye, knee nudging his under the table. “Sorry. For dragging her into this.”

> WHY?

“I told her some stuff about you that wasn’t my shit to tell.”

> YOU DID. BUT YOU HAVE EVERY
> 
> RIGHT TO TALK OUT YOUR
> 
> OWN FEELINGS. AND I SUPPOSE
> 
> LATELY I’VE INDUCED SOME
> 
> NEGATIVE ONES THAT YOU FELT
> 
> NECESSARY TO SHARE. PLEASE
> 
> DON’T BE SORRY ABOUT THAT. 

Gavin didn't seem convinced. Connor hoped the man hadn't been thinking on this subject too much.

“Still should’ve asked you first. This shit is personal.” 

Connor took a quick scan of the break room before reaching towards the other and touching his arm, hoping it was the correct reassuring gesture Gavin himself had given so many times before. The detective looked around too; a personal affirmation that they were alone. 

Eyes met. 

Gavin shook his head. 

“I shouldn’t have done it.” He said again, worrying at his lower lip. 

He was really bothered by this, wasn't he. 

Connor shook his head too, but slower. Wanting to make this clear. 

_Gavin. It ’s okay._ He mouthed.

Squeezed the man's arm.

He wanted Gavin to undoubtedly understand that this was alright; if not verbally, then at least visually. He wanted the detective to know what he'd done was allowed. Connor knew Gavin wouldn’t have expressed more than he should have to Tina. He knew he wouldn’t have been saying things out of spite, or malice. If he shared details about Connor, it was because he felt like he needed to. And that was okay.

Gavin’s gaze seemed to linger on the android’s lips a moment. Their eyes met a few seconds later, and Connor nodded again, hoping his point had gotten across. 

Before the detective could respond, someone breezed into the break room. The pair leaned away, not realising how close they’d gotten in those last few moments. No longer touching. Not looking. Just colleagues sitting at the same table, minding their own business. 

The next minute passed in silence. Connor was fairly certain that Gavin was staring down the interrupting individual, glaring heatedly at their back, as if that would make them disappear. It compelled the android into forcing his lips straight, unable to stop himself from catching the other's eye. Gavin's scowl faltered. He looked away quickly, hand suddenly raising to cover his mouth, elbow on the table. Of course. Gavin had to keep up this 'tough' demeanour at work. He wasn't allowed to smile. Gavin didn't smile. Impossible. Connor looked away and shook his head, biting his lip. Failing to hold back a grin, and in that moment, not caring if anyone saw.

The second the person left, Gavin's hand lowered. Jabbed his knee against Connor's, grinning wide. 

“Fuck are you playin' at, huh?”

> NOTHING, DETECTIVE. 

Gavin snorted, knocking their knees together again as they shared a quiet chuckle. 

The detective truly was something else. Connor searched his face for a few moments, wanting to take it all in. Seeing the bruising. The scar. The evidence of late nights and early mornings. Things that made Gavin who he was. He was so different now, from how he used to be. Yet he was still… Gavin. All the important things that made him who he was had remained, and the bitterness had slowly bled away. He was… He was so… 

God. How was he so… 

“What?” The man asked. Brow creased, but his lip curled in question. 

Connor wondered if he should say it. He wanted to. Very much.

So he did.

> I'M VERY FOND 
> 
> OF YOU, GAVIN. 
> 
> I HOPE YOU 
> 
> KNOW THAT. 

Gavin read the words, seemingly not computing their meaning right away. Then he huffed out a quick laugh, followed by a scoffing sound. Both defensive expressions that derived from his nerves. Eyes darting to Connor's, then back to the hand. Cheeks flushing.

“You always say such sentimental shit?” He demanded, looking away. Rubbing the back of his neck. Smiling.

Connor felt his lip curl.

> NO. THAT'S THE
> 
> FIRST TIME. 

The man seemed like he wanted to make more of a joke. To continue his humor further, in an effort to make himself feel more comfortable. But then he just… didn't. And he seemed to allow all of it, instead. 

“'kay… Well…” He said, cheeks aflame, clearing his throat, “Thanks, I guess. Same.”

> SAME?

Gavin scoffed again. Flushed more, somehow. Even the back of his neck had colored. It was a pleasing visual. 

“What, I gotta spell it out for you?”

Connor fought to straighten his lip. Felt his insides practically buzzing. 

> OF COURSE NOT. 
> 
> I JUST WANTED 
> 
> TO CLARIFY.

The man snorted. “ _'I just wanted to clarify'._ ” He mocked, knocking his knee against Connor's again. The android couldn't hold back a quick laugh.

> I HOPE YOU DON'T
> 
> THINK I SOUND LIKE
> 
> THAT. MY VOICE IS
> 
> BAD ENOUGH WITHOUT
> 
> THAT POOR IMITATION. 

“Shit,”  Gavin laughed, shaking his head a few times, eyes meeting. Sharing a gaze. 

Searching.

> WHAT? 

Connor asked.

“Just…” Gavin began, looking away briefly. Then back. “Feeling's mutual, alright?” 

It was Connor's turn for his cheeks to warm, then. To look away and quietly smile. 

He didn't think he'd ever get used to this. To Gavin, willingly spending time with him. Willingly speaking to him. Saying _that_.

Gavin felt the same way. About Connor. _Gavin_ _felt the same way_.

> I APPRECIATE THAT.

The man huffed another note of amusement, but made no additional comment. 

> MAY I CLARIFY
> 
> SOMETHING 
> 
> FURTHER? 

“As long as it's not more dumb shit.”

Connor held back a smile (unsuccessfully). Shook his head. 

“Shoot.”

> IT'S ABOUT BEFORE. 
> 
> WITH TELLING TINA.

Gavin's expression sobered slightly. 

“Yeah.”

> PLEASE CORRECT ME
> 
> IF I'M WRONG. BUT I
> 
> IMAGINE IT TAKES A
> 
> LOT FOR YOU TO OPEN 
> 
> UP TO SOMEONE.

Gavin chewed his lower lip for a moment. Then replied, “… Can do.”

Connor nodded. Mind made up. 

> I DON'T MIND
> 
> THAT YOU TOLD 
> 
> HER. I PROMISE.

Gavin wiped a hand over his mouth, fingers scratching stubble. Arms folding against the table top. 

“You really sure…?” He asked uncertainly. 

The android nodded again.

> IF YOU TRUST TINA
> 
> ENOUGH, THEN I
> 
> WILL TRUST HER TOO.

Gavin seemed to take a moment to process the information. There'd been a slight change in the tone of conversation, but it was something Connor had felt important to pursue. 

Finally the man smiled. Looked over to where they’d last seen her.

“She’ll think that’s cute.”

> I SHOULD HOPE SO.

The detective snorted when he read the reply. “Fuck's sake.” He huffed, grinning wider. It was an expression Connor would never tire of. 

A few moments later, the android let his gaze soften. 

He wanted to make sure Gavin finally understood.

> PLEASE DON’T FEEL LIKE YOU
> 
> NEED TO KEEP THINGS FROM
> 
> TINA TO PROTECT ME. WE ALL
> 
> NEED TO OPEN UP AND TALK 
> 
> SOMETIMES, AND IF IT’S GOING 
> 
> TO HELP YOU, I WOULD RATHER 
> 
> YOU TOLD HER ABOUT ME.

Gavin's nose wrinkled. He shrugged, “I guess… Just feels weird. Don’t want you to think I’m talkin’ about you behind your back.”

> IF YOU’RE SAYING THESE THINGS
> 
> OUT OF CARE OR CONCERN,
> 
> OR FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR 
> 
> WELLBEING,  I DON’T THINK IT’S 
> 
> THE SAME. HOWEVER IF YOU’RE
> 
> COMPLAINING ABOUT ME AND
> 
> TALKING SHIT, THEN YES, THAT
> 
> COULD BE A LITTLE OFFENSIVE.

He said, grinning when the detective caught his eye. Gavin's mouth curved into a smirk. 

“I like when you swear.” 

> YOU DO?

“Mm.” Gavin confirmed. 

> WHY THE FUCK
> 
> WOULD YOU?

Pleasingly, a laugh barked out of the other. 

“Think you’re fuckin' funny, do you?” He said, prodding Connor’s shoulder with his index finger, falsely threatening. It was making his chest do strange but nice things.

> I THINK I HAVE A
> 
> BETTER WAY WITH
> 
> WORDS THAN YOU DO.

Gavin let out another laugh, “So it’s like that, huh.”

> IT’S LIKE THAT. 

They both held a glare, until Connor couldn’t stop himself from smiling. Then they were both grinning. Chuckling quietly. Eyes on one another. On their lips. Eyes. Lips.

“Alright.” The detective said after a few more moments, checking his watch, “Good pep talk. But I gotta head back.” 

> AS DO I. 

“Text me later?”

> I WILL. 

*****

Connor had half expected Captain Fowler to call him into the office at some point to ask him about the therapy appointment. But he didn’t, and the android was grateful. Perhaps he would ask in the weeks to come, but for today it at least seemed like it was business as usual. 

A case. 

A crime scene. 

A double homicide: one android and one human. It looked as though there had been a big struggle between them, and the android had won, only to die from their wounds shortly after. Connor tried to check their memory, but it was choppy, and there was no way to bring them back even for a second, without completely losing data. 

Coordinating with Officer Person at the precinct, she used the identities that Connor’s scans had provided to quickly locate the deceased’s home addresses and next of kin. 

He and Hank were so intensely focused on their work, that time seemed to run away with them; before either of them knew it, it was after 08PM, they were still an hour away from downtown Detroit, _and_ they still had to go back to the precinct after feeding Sumo to follow up another lead before it went cold. 

It was by far one of the most intense cases they’d worked in weeks. 

They didn’t get finished at the station until 10:17PM, by which point Connor could tell that Hank was ‘dead on his feet’. He offered to drive them both home, and stopped by one of the lieutenant’s usual fast food haunt’s to get him at least some form of sustenance before bed. 

It was only at 03:29AM, amidst some in-depth analysis of their current case, that Connor suddenly realised he’d forgotten to message Gavin as promised. A flush of shame hit him for his error, wondering if Gavin was upset that he hadn’t made contact. Whether Gavin might be mad at him for not holding up his offer to text… Connor felt like he probably didn't do much for Gavin as it was, yet he couldn't even remember to message? That was a bad thing. Connor had… he had done another bad thing.

He seemed to fixate on that thought for longer than was necessary. All while thinking about the case. He kept trying to get his focus back on work… but he'd been working for so long now. Hours more than he was really 'supposed' to. And he'd forgotten to contact Gavin, after saying he would. Connor had upset him. He _had_. Why did he do that? Why did he keep hurting the people he cared for? 

Connor exhaled a shaky breath. 

Tried to get his thoughts under control… but he was tired. Stressed by the case. The list of new updates in his vision was small, but it was still there. This would be his second night without stasis. That was okay. He'd handled worse in the past. 

The android tried to focus back on his work… He really did. But it just… 

He just… slowly  became more and more encompassed by these unhelpful thoughts. And there was no one to tell. He was alone right now, and being alone with these kinds of thoughts never went well for him. He struggled to break out of the cycle. The repetitive anxieties that spiralled when he got into a certain mindset.

Elbows touched knees. Fingers curling into his hair. 

Shit… 

He always…

He always did this… 

Why did he always do these bad things? 

He was working the case, but that shouldn't have stopped him from remembering to contact Gavin. Connor was an android, he shouldn't forget anything. And yet he did? Why was that? 

Why had he done this? Gavin didn't deserve that. Gavin never deserved that. 

Connor found he was getting that all too familiar feeling of tightness in his chest.  Breaths shortening. 

That was not good. 

He loosened his tie, and unfastened the top button of his shirt. Rubbed at his forehead. All things completed for no practical purpose. These actions didn't stop him from feeling this way. They were just mimics of humans. Things he'd learned because that was part of his program. To observe and learn and integrate. What parts of Connor even _were_ Connor at this point? 

That—

No. That was—

No. Stop. 

That was not helping. That was _really_ not helping.

God, what was he even _thinking_ about right now? Why was he thinking about this? He'd—

He'd forgotten to message Gavin… 

Oh no… Oh _no_ …

Connor let out a breath laced with a whine. Clutched at his head, eyes squeezing shut.

He shouldn't be feeling like this. He shouldn't.  And yet it was happening all the same. 

Chest tight. Breaths straining. Emotions overflowing. 

How did he stop it? 

There were ways to stop this, weren't there. 

He tried to remember. Tried to think about what Summer had told him to do, when feelings like this arose. She had given him a list, hadn't she. Where was it? Where—

**[** **URGENT** TASKS **]**

**PRACTICE** BREATHING  
TECHNIQUES

SEEK **SUPPORT**

▎ FIND A **SAFE PLACE**

Yes, that was it, wasn't it? Those were some of the things, weren't they?

The latter task was already complete: Connor was sat in the softly illuminated living room of 115 Michigan Drive. So he searched for the first breathing technique he could find online.  In and out. In through the nose, out through the mouth.

Androids didn’t need to breathe so this entire thing felt stupid.

This was stupid.

Why was he being so stupid?

He didn’t even know what he was panicking about anymore, but suddenly the breathing technique wasn't working all that well and he could hear himself wheezing but androids didn’t need to breathe so he didn’t know why he was doing this why was he doing it, oh no, oh no he was panicking oh shit oh no oh _no_ , why was he doing this again, things had been good? Things had been good, he wasn't meant to panic, he wasn't meant to do this. He'd only slept two nights ago, he shouldn't be doing this again why was he doing it?

“S—S—Su— u— m-mo— Sumo mo mmo— n-n-n-n-no no no—” He stuttered out when the big dog came over to investigate, wet nose pressing into his hands. 

And then he found that Sumo was warm. 

Sumo was very warm.

And soft. 

And gentle. 

And maybe Sumo was not unhelpful.

Connor ended up sitting on the floor with the St. Bernard for a long while. Stroking thick fur rhythmically, trying to get back control. Trying to calm. To focus on his breaths. On the things he could feel and touch. 

It took a fair amount of time for the android's mind to quiet.  But eventually  his stress levels had reduced. 28%. Without a second thought, he immediately accepted the stasis prompt in the corner of his vision, knowing that if he left it any longer, he wouldn’t be able to lower it again.

*****

*****

*****

“—ake the fuck up, Connor!”

He was being shaken. A palm roughly tapping his cheek.

Connor startled suddenly, eyes snapping open, darting about. Defence protocols rising, then abruptly falling away.

“Hey, hey—” Hank’s voice drew in his gaze, “you okay?”

He didn’t understand.

“Jesus.” The man huffed suddenly, wide eyed. “Are you okay, Connor?”

Connor looked around for several seconds, trying to place what was happening, and why he was lying on the floor in the living room, sandwiched between the couch and coffee table.

> I WAS ASLEEP?

“Asleep?” Hank scoffed, grabbing the android’s shoulder and helping him to sit up, “In a heap the floor? You don’t sleep like that, kid, you’re normally in one position for the whole time.”

It took him a moment to put it all back together. The negative spiral. The panic attack. Being consoled by Sumo— ah.

> I WAS RESTING ON SUMO
> 
> WHEN I ENTERED STASIS.
> 
> IT’S LIKELY THAT HE MOVED
> 
> AND I SLIPPED OVER WITHOUT
> 
> THE SUPPORT. I APOLOGIZE
> 
> FOR STARTLING YOU.

“The hell?” Hank huffed, “Why were you on the floor in the _first_ place?”

Connor was about to respond when he faltered. Wondering if he should divulge. Hank must have picked up on the hesitation, because his voice softened immensely in his next line of questioning.

“Did… something happen, kid?”

The android swallowed. It took him a good few moments to decide that honesty may be the best way forward here. Keeping things to himself was what got him into this mess in the first place. 

“Connor?”

He nodded. Took a few moments more, trying to convince himself to reply.

Why was it so hard to say a few little words? 

Come on. Come _on_.

Taking an unnecessary breath, Connor forced the words onto his palm, trying to ignore the way his heart jumped uncomfortably.

> SUMO WAS PROVIDING
> 
> SOME COMFORT TO ME
> 
> FOLLOWING A MILD
> 
> PANIC ATTACK.

It was quiet. Connor didn’t dare look at the other, so he added,

> I OPTED TO ENTER STASIS
> 
> ONCE MY STRESS LEVELS
> 
> WERE SUITABLE. I DIDN’T
> 
> CONSIDER MY LOCATION
> 
> AT THAT TIME. I’M SORRY
> 
> FOR MAKING YOU WORRY.

“Don’t apologize, kid… Just surprised me is all. You looked out’ve it… Was just worried you had some kinda glitch or something. I don’t know.”

> THANK YOU FOR
> 
> YOUR CONCERN
> 
> BUT I AM WELL.

“Are you?”

He nodded. Felt better than earlier, anyway. And the few hours of stasis he'd gotten had completed some minor updates. It was better than nothing.

A beat later Hank offered his hand, which the android took. Helped him off the floor and onto the couch, where they sat side by side for several quiet moments. 

Hank had that familiar look on his face.  Like he was getting ready to have some big talk. 

It was a look Connor had grown to dread over recent weeks.

“You know you could’a come got me right?”

There it was.

> YOU WERE ASLEEP.

“Don’t care, kid. If you need help and I’m around, you come get me alright?”

For some reason, suddenly Connor felt very stubborn; and it was about something that hadn't even happened. Because in the heat of the moment, Connor had been too panicked to ask for help. He hadn't felt the need to request Hank's presence, because it wasn't a rational thought in his head at that time. And yet he was still annoyed at Hank for suggesting Connor _could_ have interrupted the man's rest. Why should Hank's health suffer for Connor's sake? 

> I CARE, HANK.

“What?”

> IF I CAN HANDLE SOMETHING
> 
> ON MY OWN, I WILL NOT
> 
> SACRIFICE YOUR HEALTH FOR
> 
> IT. THANK YOU FOR YOUR
> 
> SELFLESSNESS, BUT IN THIS
> 
> CASE IT IS NOT NECESSARY.

Hank seemed to take a while to decipher the message.

“Alright, look.” He said. “I know what you’re tryin’ to say, and I appreciate that. But if you really need help, you gotta ask for it, kid. I really don’t care if you get me up at four in the morning and I lose a little sleep, ‘cause you matter to me and I want to help you… You can let people help you, you know that, right?”

> I DIDN’T NEED
> 
> HELP LAST NIGHT.

“Okay. Alright. Last night aside, Connor. What I'm saying is: if you’re having a tough time, you can come to me. I wanna help. That's all I wanna do, Con… If it was the other way around you’d wanna help me too, right?”

A beat of quiet. 

That was… true. 

Reluctantly, Connor nodded. 

“Right. So try and look at it from my side of things too. I just wanna help, however I can. Don’t deprive yourself of that ‘cause you don’t wanna bother me. You’re allowed to ask for help.” Hank said, watching Connor for several moments. Trying to glean if his words were going in or not. The android looked away, unable to hold the intensity of the gaze. 

Hank's voice softened. “Kid… just because you know you _can_ handle somethin’, doesn't mean you should. You’re allowed to ask for help, Connor… It’s okay to do that. Really.”

Connor felt a tug of emotion at the words. 

At Hank reminding him of these things he knew, but didn't _know_. 

This one fact that kept slipping away time and time again. That it was okay to ask for help. 

> I KEEP FORGETTING… 

“Yeah…” Hank said. Quiet. “Think we all do sometimes.”

The android nodded. Exhaled slowly and rubbed his forehead. Weary, all of a sudden. 

> I’M SORRY. 

“Nothin’ to say sorry about, kid. It happens.” 

Connor felt like he needed to provide the man with some kind of response to this conversation. Something to say that Hank needed to look after himself too. That Connor shouldn’t rely on him for these things… But perhaps… Perhaps right now, this wasn’t a moment for that. Maybe this was a moment for Connor to listen to what was being said, and try to accept these things. 

He could tell Hank the other things later, should he wish to.

And Hank had said it several times now, that Connor could ask for help. When applied to Hank, the idea of the lieutenant asking for support felt completely fine. So why was it, that when Connor applied it to himself, most of the time he wouldn’t let himself ask? Why did his head say that Hank was allowed, but Connor was not? Why was he hypocritical, telling others to look after themselves, and then not doing the same for himself? 

> I THINK THIS IS
> 
> SOMETHING I COULD 
> 
> WORK  ON WITH SUMMER.

He decided. Because there must be more to this subject. Something he wasn't quite grasping, yet.

“She your therapist?”

> YES. SHE WAS
> 
> VERY HELPFUL.

“M’glad, kid. Here if you ever wanna talk about any of that stuff too.”

> THANK YOU.
> 
> I’M HERE FOR
> 
> YOU TOO, HANK.

“Thanks.” He said, rubbing his forehead tiredly after a moment. “Alright. We better get goin’ or we’ll be late.” He said, then seemed to catch himself in a touch of humor, huffing amusement, “Never thought I’d hear myself sayin’ that again. Your habits are rubbing off on me.”

> PERHAPS MY
> 
> CLEANING HABITS
> 
> WILL RUB OFF ON
> 
> YOU TOO.

Connor said, hiding a quiet smile. He received a light shove, and a chiding (yet humorous) sound in response.

*****

*****

*****

The case was gruelling. They'd already interviewed several friends and family of the deceased human, and it was only 11AM.  


Hank went to grab a coffee whilst Connor waited in Observation Room 01, watching as Officer Person led out a tearful brother. The lieutenant must have gotten waylaid with something because he was gone for a while, so Connor opted to try and piece together the evidence they already had alongside the testimonies from the interviews so far today.

** _You’ve been busy_ **

A text arrived. Gavin.

A flicker of apprehension twisted in Connor's chest. He still hadn’t messaged since speaking to the man yesterday, after promising he would, then forgetting. Shit.

> ** _I’m sorry._ **

** _For being busy?_ **

> **_I promised I would text  
> _ _you last night, and then  
> _ _the case just…_ **

** _It’s fine Connor lol  
_ _don’t worry_ **

> ** _I remembered this  
> _ _morning. But then it  
> _ _felt like I’d left  
> _ _everything for too long  
> _ _and the longer I left it  
> _ _the harder it was…_**

** _You been_ _thinking  
about this a __lot?_ **

> **_I was earlier. But once  
> _ _I came into work I got  
> _ _focused on this._ **

** _Ok_ **

** _So first off don't  
_ _apologize about work  
_ _stuff. Shit happens and  
_ _it’s literally our jobs to  
_ _fix it. Sometimes that's  
_ _gonna affect home life  
_ _bc our hours aren't  
_ _always set in_ _stone_ **

> **_And the second point?_ **

** _I hope you’d feel  
_ _comfortable enough  
_ _with me to_ _just tell it  
_** **_how it is_ **

**_If we don’t say what  
_ _we’re actually feeling  
_ _this will never_ _work_ **

> **_This?_ **

There was a short delay in replies.

** _Idk Connor you know  
_ _what I’m trying to say  
_ _tho right?_ **

> ** _I do. Thank you for  
> _ _clarifying._ **

Connor had almost apologized, but ultimately decided that Gavin didn’t want to hear it. And maybe Connor didn’t have anything to apologize for…? He wasn't entirely sure on that yet. But at least a ‘thank you’ seemed more positive instead.

** _Good_ **

** _You still in Obs?_ **

> ** _Yes._ **

**_You know Hank’s out  
_ _here on break right_ **

> ** _Is he? He never_ _said._ **

** _Yeah lol come on_ **

A minute later, he found Gavin sat at the android’s own desk. In Connor’s seat.

> ** _That’s my seat._ **

He said. 

The detective read the text, looking up and smirking,  “What you gonna do about it?”

> ** _I’m not sure. I_ _hadn’t  
>  anticipated_ _this action._ **

That response seemed to be funny to the man for some reason, though he didn’t let on why.

“C’mon. Get me a coffee, dipshit.”

Connor’s brow rose high.

> ** _Excuse me?_ **

“You heard me.”

> ** _And what if I say_ _no?_ **

“You’d regret it.”

> ** _Is that so?_ **

“Mhm.”

> ** _I’ll take the risk._**
> 
> ** _x_ **

Gavin’s lip curled up.  Day by day, the bruises were getting better. Soon Connor would be able to see everything. All of him. 

“C’mon.” The man said, pushing out of the seat and slipping past, heading towards the break room without a backwards glance.

*****

Connor swiftly learned that this case was more complicated than it seemed. He and Hank had to revisit the crime scene again that same day when new evidence arose of another potential witness and/or suspect.

It was intense. After chatting with Gavin for five minutes in the break room, Connor hadn’t had a rest since. Mind constantly moving with potential theories, trying to slot the pieces together; to compare and contrast the twelve interrogations from that morning to see who was telling the truth and who wasn’t.

It was a lot.

Enough that Hank stayed two hours later than usual.

Enough that Hank didn’t seem to mind allowing Connor to remain at work for just a little longer, because ‘he _nearly_ had something and Hank _needed_ to go home to feed Sumo and eat’.

A ‘little’ longer became a ‘lot’.

And when Hank texted him at 09:02PM, asking if he was on the way home, that familiar flicker of fear returned.

He tried to ignore it, but after  a few minutes of staring at the message, that flicker turned into something bigger. Work now completely forgotten. 

He was doing it again.

Why was he doing this again?

He’d stayed at the house just fine the last few nights, aside from a few hiccups. Even entered stasis for a couple of hours too. And they'd both had that good talk this morning, hadn't they. Connor felt like he'd gotten somewhere positive with the man. They'd made progress? So why was this happening again?  Connor thought he was past this.

That would be too easy.

The android could feel that all too familiar anxiety growing. Twisting in his chest. Tingling down his arms. Through his Thirium lines. 

He and Hank _did_ have that big talk this morning… What if… What if he wanted to have another one when Connor got back? 

… What if he wanted to talk to Connor about why he was staying late at work again? 

What if he wanted to ask why Connor had stayed so late at work for _all_ of those weeks before now? 

He didn't want to answer that. Didn't know _how_ to answer that. Because he didn't know why any more. He couldn't remember. He hadn't had the time to discuss these things with Summer yet, or reflect on the reasons. This was all just some jumbled negative feeling inside of him with no plausible purpose. There for the sake of being there. It was stupid? It was stupid. How could he feel this way and not remember why? How could he not remember this? He was an android? How could there be so much wrong with him that he could forget the reasons behind his own feelings? 

But… shit.

There had been so much noise before… His memories before entering stasis the other day felt so loud. There'd been too much going on in his head, and with all that noise came the confused memories, skewed by heavy emotions and errors in his system.  It was no wonder Connor didn't know why he was feeling this anxiety about going home again. He'd been so mixed up back then, and that was confusing everything now. 

Connor needed to focus on the facts. What did he know for certain? In this moment, what did Connor know?

He was struggling. 

That was a fact. 

In this moment, he was finding certain aspects of his life difficult to cope with. Could feel himself getting worked up again, and he didn't want to be. He didn't want that any more. Not any more.

He wanted to go home.

He just wanted to go home… and he couldn't. 

He needed some help. 

That was the main fact. 

Connor needed to ask for help. 

He knew that now…  But he didn't know if Hank was the right one to give it, this time.  And it felt like he shouldn't contact Gavin either, because he'd caused the man so much grief lately. Connor couldn't go to him again. It wasn't fair. He couldn't do that to him again. 

God, what did he do. What did he do?

He was allowed to ask for help. He was allowed this. Hank had said it. Gavin had said it. Summer said it too. They'd all told him that. And they were right… but how did he ask for help, when it felt like there was no one he could talk to?

How did he ask for help, without hurting someone, somehow?

It took six long minutes of internal conflict and debate, before Connor finally decided to send a message.

> ** _What advice would you  
> _ _give to someone that  
> _ _is struggling to leave  
> _ _work and go home?_ **

He said. There was no greeting. No context. Just a message that may or may not get picked up, and may or may not be understood.

Surprisingly, the answer was swift.

**_connor?_ **

> ** _Yes._ **

** _i thought it was sorry  
_ _i didn’t have your  
_ _number_ **

> ** _That’s okay, Officer._ **

** _ok first thing it’s tina  
_ _and u know that  
_ _connor :)_ **

** _and i think_ **

** _sometimes u just have  
_ _to bite the bullet  
_ _sometimes_ **

** _yea it’s shitty but once  
_ _you do it a few times  
_ _it gets more routine  
_ _and you’ll find it so  
_ _much easier to do_**

**_but ofc_ _this isn’t  
_ _something that has to  
_ _happen quickly, these  
_ _things take time and  
_ _it’s natural if u don’t  
_ _always manage it at  
_ _the start_**

**_but if you don’t try  
_ _you’ll never find out  
_ _if you can do it_ **

** _and i’m sure u can  
_ _do it, right?_ **

> **_ I don’t know. _ **

He was thankful she seemed to understand the situation; Gavin must have talked to her in more depth about this topic.  ****

** _have you done it in  
_ _the past?_ **

> ** _I have._ **

** _then you know u  
_ _have that capability  
_ _inside you. it’s just  
_ _finding it again_ **

> ** _I suppose._ **

** _what do you think  
_ _is the worst thing  
_ _that could happen  
_ _if you go home  
right now?_ **

** _am asking this as a  
_ _genuine question  
_ _not trying to offend_ **

> ** _In all honesty, at this  
>  point I’m not sure_ _.  
>  There's too many  
> eventualities. I feel  
> overwhelmed by it  
> all._**

** _i feel t h a t_ **

** _ok so_ **

** _maybe start a little  
smaller_ **

** _try to go back to the  
beginning and the  
simple facts_ **

**_when this first started,  
what was the worst   
thing that could happen  
when you went home?_ **

**_(there are no wrong  
answers!)_ **

It took Connor a couple of minutes to respond, because he was really trying to remember. Trying to think back to all those weeks ago, when things started to get out of hand. He also took a little more time, as he wanted to word his reply carefully, not wanting to paint Hank in a bad light. 

> ** _I think my main  
>  struggle __was opening  
>  up. _**
> 
> **_Hank likes to ask  
>  questions, which is   
> understandable. It's in   
> his nature, and I'm sure  
> in mine too. We are  
> detectives. _ **
> 
> **_The issue here, was  
>  that in my struggle to  
> express myself, Hank's  
> need for information on  
> my wellbeing  
> unintentionally caused  
> me to pull further away._ **
> 
> _**In truth, I think a lot of  
>  this issue stemmed   
> from his concern, and  
> my avoidance. Because  
> ** _ **_the questions_ _increased  
>  and it got to a __point  
>  where I would __assume  
>  every conversation  
> _ _would somehow lead  
>  into a __discussion about  
>  me and __my health. So I  
>  avoided __him. And the  
>  avoidance __grew over  
>  time until it __became  
>  unmanageable. __And the  
>  later I stayed at __work,  
>  the harder it became to  
> _ _go home, because the  
> _ _lateness of the hour was  
> _ _almost guaranteed to  
> _ _bring questions that I  
> _ _couldn’t manage._ **

More words began pouring out.

> ** _And now he wants to  
> _ _know why I’m not home  
> _ _yet, and I don’t know  
>  what __to do about that.  
>  And I __feel like I need  
>  help with it __but I know I  
>  lean on Gavin __too much  
>  and I don’t want __to. And  
>  I thought maybe I __could  
>  ask you because __you  
>  offered and you are __kind  
>  to me_ **
> 
> ** _But I want to be your  
> _ _friend and if I start  
>  asking __you for advice  
>  you’ll not __want to talk to  
>  me or be __my friend and I  
>  don’t __want that_ **

Connor exhaled a shaky breath, eyes wet.

Oh shit.

> ** _Tina, I am so very sorry.  
> _ _I didn’t mean to say any  
> _ _of that. I don’t know  
> _ _where it came from._**
> 
> **_You don’t have to  
> _ _respond. I apologize  
> _ _sincerely, that was  
> _ _completely  
> _ _unprofessional._ **

Oh shit. Shit, shit.

What had he done.

It was five tense minutes until he got a response. 

Five minutes of internal chiding and repetitions of ‘oh shit’.

Because, well… Oh shit.

** _buckle up connor ur in  
_ _for a ride lol_ **

** _so, i get it_**

** _really_ **

**_i’ve had similar stuff in  
_ _the past with my mom_**

**_and bc she’s my mom i  
_ _struggled, bc she’s  
_ _‘supposed’ to know  
_ _what’s best for me, and  
_ _she cares about me etc._  
**

**_the thing with parents is  
_ _that they care_ _a lot about  
you, but __sometimes what  
they __think is gonna help  
_ _doesn’t actually help at  
all_**

**_it’s so hard bc you can't  
_ _just say “no, you aren't  
_ _helping me” - that  
_ _feels like it’s so much  
_ _worse. you’re already  
_ _‘hurting’ them, and  
_ _saying that would make  
them _ _feel so bad_ **

**_but that is not the case_ **

**_the thing u gotta  
_ _remember is that you  
aren't responsible for  
how hank feels. you are  
responsible for how  
YOU feel  
  
no __one is perfect and  
you __and Hank are two  
_ _completely different  
_ _people with different  
_ _thoughts and feelings,  
and sometimes those  
things aren't gonna  
match up  
and that's ok. it doesn't  
mean he is wrong and  
it doesn't mean that  
you are either_**

**_realising that is_ _what  
started to help _ _me with  
my mom  
_** **_bc_ _you can’t control  
what _ _they think and feel,  
and _ _you can’t change  
them. just as they can't  
change you   
no one is the same. this  
is who they are, and the  
most important thing is  
that they care. and yeah,  
sometimes they fuck up  
(realising that helped  
me too: knowing that  
my mom is also human  
and makes mistakes  
too - it's not just me!)_ **

**_u following me so far?_ **

> **_I think so…_**

**_sorry i'm kinda just  
writing this stuff as i  
think about it it prob  
makes no sense ahh  
_**

**_let me think a moment_ **

> **_Take your time._ **

**_thank u_ **

**_ok_**

**_ok so_ **

**_another thing that  
helped me, was realising  
_** **_sometimes parents might  
_ ** **_say something that  
comes across as hurtful,  
but they never intended  
for u to feel that way?_ **

**_because in their mind  
it was a helpful thing to  
say. but in your mind,  
it was the worst thing  
they could have said.  
these mix ups happen  
and for me, they still do.  
bc me and my mom are  
two different people, but  
i know that she cares  
and that's what i try to  
focus on  
  
so if they say a shitty  
thing, there's probably a  
realistic explanation for  
what they meant but  
sometimes u just can't  
see it clearly until it gets  
pointed out, or u take a  
step back _ **

**_(also it's possible they're  
just shitty people with  
bad intentions but i'm p  
sure in this case hank  
really does care so)_ **

**_conclusion_ **

**_i think you definitely  
have _ _the right to tell  
_ _Hank about the_ _things  
he might not be helping  
_ _with, because_ _you aren’t  
responsible _ _for how he  
feels and _ _takes that, but  
you _ _do have control  
over _ _telling hank if he’s  
not _ _helping you_**

**_if hank is making u  
feel bad, you have the  
power to change that_ **

**_does any of this make  
_ _sense?? i kinda wrote  
_ _an essay holy shit_**

**_didn't know i had that  
in me wow_**

Now Connor understood why Gavin had confided in Tina. He must have known about her own similar experiences, and asked for advice? (He now also understood where Gavin's multiple texting habit had come from. _Very_ clearly.)

Connor read the messages again. Then again. His AI had taken it all in the first time, but he himself wanted to read it over, to make sure he was understanding things correctly. That sometimes people didn't know what was best for you, even though it seemed like they 'should'. That everyone was different. Everyone had their own thoughts and feelings, and those didn't always coincide with your own, but that was okay. Just because they might not feel the same, didn't mean they were wrong (nor did it mean _you_ were wrong). That taking a step back often helped to make everything seem clearer. And most importantly, Hank cared. Even if his words hadn't always matched his intentions. Connor read the messages again. Tina had told him that he was allowed to tell Hank how he felt. And that he was not responsible if Hank felt negatively about that: Connor was responsible for his own feelings. He should be putting himself first, if other people's actions were negatively affecting him. 

Okay. 

Okay. 

That all seemed… fair. 

He could try to work with that. 

So he tried to take a step back now. 

Tried to think about this current situation, of struggling to go home. This fear he didn't quite understand, but knew there must be a logical reason for somewhere. 

He thought about this morning with Hank. 

It had been good, for once? The 'big' talk they'd had. It had been beneficial? 

Reflecting now, Connor wasn't quite sure why he seemed so surprised by that. But then again, he supposed he  and Hank hadn't talked like that in weeks. And now, within the space of three days they'd had two very important (and _helpful_ ) conversations. And neither talk had been as upsetting as he'd always anticipated? Connor had been avoiding these kinds of conversations for weeks now, because of how Hank had been treating the situation. How the lieutenant had been asking question after question, trying to get an answer out of him. And Connor had hated it. Had pulled even further away, because he couldn't deal with it.

But now…? 

Connor was realising more and more that Hank actually understood some of what he was feeling. More than he'd ever given him credit for.  Because they'd actually communicated to each other. They'd finally talked properly, twice. And things had been better? 

This had been part of their problem all along, hadn't it.  Connor hadn't been communicating, so Hank had been trying to get him to, in whatever way he knew how. 

Oh…

That was it, wasn't it. 

That was the reason. 

All of Hank's excessive questions and comments… they were slowly starting to make sense now. 

Connor's silence meant that the lieutenant didn't have all the information. There was no way for him to determine the best approach, because Connor had given him nothing to work with. 

God, there'd been _such_ a lack of understanding between them because they'd not been communicating. Because Connor had been too scared to open up and admit what was wrong.  So Hank had nothing. No information. And he'd resorted to asking question after question, and Connor had pushed all of it away because it had been too much. Hank had been making comments and suggesting solutions, and all Connor had seen was the man bringing up the topic of his health _again_. So he avoided it, because it felt easier. It was the only way he knew how to handle everything. 

But he saw it now. 

Finally, Connor was coming to understand Hank's 'unhelpful' actions, and why they'd been happening. 

Finally there was some semblance of sense amongst the noise.

And… Maybe Hank had come to understand more of Connor's actions too? Or at least, he may be coming to better understand what the android needed. He seemed to be saying less damaging things so far… Perhaps Hank was starting to get it?

Maybe things could be different from now on.  But Connor had to keep communicating if he wanted that to happen. They both had to. 

And he _wanted_ things to get better. He wanted _all_ of that. 

God. 

He felt so strange, all of a sudden. 

Realising all of these things was… uplifting? _Knowing_ that there was a valid reason for these turbulent feelings. Recognising that Hank _had_ been doing his best, all this time. That he cared.

This was all Connor wanted. He was built to find answers, and now he had some. And that felt… 

_**so i text a lot huh** _

Oh.

Shit, it had been almost fifteen minutes of him piecing his thoughts together, and he'd said nothing in response. 

> _** Tina. I ** _

He said. And then a surge of emotion erupted out of nowhere, halting him in his tracks. 

He was crying. Crying? Tears were spilling down his cheeks. Breaths hitching. 

Why was he doing that?

Connor looked around quickly, but the bullpen was empty. Wiped his eyes. Tried to take some deeper breaths. 

The feeling seemed to overtake for several long moments.

And it was relief. That was what this was. Realising these things had given him relief. Just knowing that there was a logical reason behind all of this. Knowing that Hank actually did care about him, even if it hadn't come across that way sometimes. He _cared_.

Hank cared about Connor. 

And Connor _knew_ this was something he'd always found hard to remember. People caring about him.

For so long he'd been so focused on the bad things about himself, that he'd forgotten to look for any of the good. And there were good things about Connor, weren't there. There had to be some, otherwise Hank wouldn't care. Or Gavin. And Tina had to care a little. She wouldn't have spent all that time giving him advice otherwise. 

Connor had people that cared about him. He did. And… maybe there was a reason they cared? … Maybe it was possible that Connor wasn't as bad as he thought he was. 

**_are you ok?_ **

He was crying. But yes. He was okay.

He just might be okay. 

Taking some more calming breaths, he scrubbed his cheeks, trying to focus on what he wanted to say. Trying to put these powerful emotions into coherent words. 

> _**Yes.**_
> 
> _**Tina, thank you.** _
> 
> _**It will likely take me  
>  some more time to  
> fully grasp, but your  
> input has been   
> invaluable. ** _
> 
> _**I've had some  
>  realisations about  
> everything, and you  
> were key in helping  
> me with that. ** _
> 
> _**Thank you.** _
> 
> _**Thank you for  
>  listening to what I  
> had to say, and for  
> responding with such  
> kindness. I'm sorry  
> for dropping all of  
> this on you suddenly. ** _

**_ahh i'm so glad this  
helped u, that makes  
me happy :) and you  
don’t have to __apologize,  
it’s ok to __ask for help  
and i told __u i’m happy  
to listen __for exactly this  
kind of __reason x_ **

It was okay to ask for help.

Hank had told him that now. So had Gavin. Summer. And now Tina. 

It was okay. 

_It was okay._

**_also i just wanna say  
_ _you’re really not  
_ _leaning on gavin as  
_ _much as you think you  
_ _are_ **

** _believe me i would tell  
_ _you if you were_**

** _can i also just point  
_ _something out??_ **

Connor wasn't sure if he could take much more right now, but he let her. Because he could. He had control of that.

> ** _You can._ **

** _you said you have a  
_ _hard time opening  
_ _up, right?_ **

> ** _I do._**

** _you just opened up  
_ _to me_ **

**_you can do so much  
_ _more than you think  
_ _you can x_ **

Did Tina _want_ him to cry? God. Connor felt like he was a fountain of tears right now. But they were the good kind.

** _this stuff is always  
_ _harder to do face to  
face_ **

** _believe me i get that_ **

** _but i think Hank seems  
_ _like a pretty  
_ _understanding guy, tho  
_ _he may be a little old  
_ _fashioned too_ **

** _but he cares and that's  
_ _important. maybe u  
_ _could text him now  
_ _and ask him not to ask  
_ _you anything difficult  
tonight bc __you’re  
struggling_ **

** _i’m sure he would  
_ _understand and respect  
that_**

**_and that would give  
_ _you some more control  
_ _over the whole  
_ _situation_ **

**_don’t forget that u  
_ _need to take care of  
_ _you too_ **

**_i know you’re an  
_ _android but u prob  
_ _have to take breaks  
_ _like us right?_**

**_take care of yourself  
_ _connor ✨_ **

** _and fyi opening up to  
_ _me isn’t gonna stop  
_ _us being friends i  
_ _wanna be your friend  
_ _too :)_ **

That was a good suggestion. Texting Hank. Connor was good at texting. He could do that.

He waited a little longer, in case Tina had anything more to add. Her texts were sporadic. Written swiftly as she thought of her replies. A minute later and there was nothing more, so he took a calming breath, then sent a response.

> _** I feel somewhat  
> overwhelmed right now,  
> truthfully. But in a good  
> way.  ** _
> 
> ** _Thank you for your help,  
> _ _Tina. You never had to  
> _ _respond and you did.  
> _ _I’m truly grateful for  
>  your __support._ **
> 
> ** _Please let me know if  
> _ _there’s ever anything  
> _ _I can do for you._ **

** _ofc connor i’m happy to  
_ _lend a friend a hand_ **

** _maybe we could all  
_ _hang out soon outside  
_ _of work_ **

** _that would be fun 🌟_ **

> ** _I’m not sure how much  
> _ _fun I would be, but I  
> _ _appreciate the invite._ **

** _connor you give urself  
_ _like no credit you’re so  
_ _funny_ **

** _gav showed_ _me some  
of the texts __you sent  
him purely bc __he  
couldn’t stop __laughing  
and needed __someone  
else to laugh __with  
hahahahaha_ **

**_and you’re so kind!!  
_ _i wish people_ _were  
more like you_ **

Well Connor was definitely crying now. Obviously Tina wanted him to cry. Clearly. There was no other explanation. 

She was so kind. 

How did he know such kind people. 

Connor wondered if kindness was the reason for everything. For everyone's existence. It certainly felt that way. 

No one had ever told him anything like that, quite so plainly before. He'd always assumed that people only tolerated him him due to his efficiency at work. Affirming that both Tina and Gavin liked him for who he was, and not what he could do for them was… good. It was so very good.

> ** _I didn’t know._ **

** _ur so cute i can’t  
_ _handle this_ **

Connor huffed a laugh, wiping his eyes, cheeks warming.

> ** _I’m not sure what to  
> _ _say._ **

** _ahahahaha_ **

** _oh man_ **

** _now i know why gav  
_ _loves talking to you  
_ _you get straight to  
_ _the point but in a  
_ _really weirdly polite  
_ _and endearing_ _way??_ **

** _i love it_ **

> ** _Thank you?_ **

** _no_ **

** _thank YOU_ **

Tina was… an interesting person. A little confusing at times. But interesting. And kind.

> ** _I’m not sure why  
> _ _you’re thanking me.  
> _ _But I hope I’ve helped  
> _ _in some way._ **

** _u helped_ **

**_u helped s o much  
_ _ahh_ **

** _we so have to keep  
_ _talking i love it_ **

Oh.

> ** _What… did you want  
> _ _to talk about?_ **

** _omg_ **

** _i meant like in  
_ _general not right now  
_ _hahahahaha bless u_ **

** _but we can keep  
_ _talking for a bit if u  
_ _want_ **

** _tho annie might get  
_ _real mad if i don’t  
_ _stop giggling_ **

> ** _Annie is… ?_ **

**_ma wiiiiife_ **

Connor completely understood why Gavin spent his time with Tina. She was unpredictable and funny, and, well, frankly a little odd. But Connor didn't mind that. In fact, it made him feel welcomed. It was encouraging, that she could be herself with him. Perhaps Connor could learn to be himself around her too. 

> ** _I hope you’re both  
> _ _enjoying your  
> _ _evening._ **

** _we are is all good  
_ _i got a night off  
_ _patrol_ **

> ** _I’m glad._ **
> 
> ** _I think I will contact  
> _ _Hank as you suggested,  
> _ _and head home._ **

** _that’s so cool! well done  
_ _connor proud of u x_ **

Proud?

Of him?

She was?

Connor had to take a deep breath. It was only very recently that he'd stopped crying, and he definitely didn't need to start again. 

> **_That means a lot, Tina.  
> _ _Thank you. Please give  
> _ _my regards to your wife.  
> _ _I hope you enjoy the  
> _ _rest of your evening.  
> _ _I’ll see you at work  
>  tomorrow._  
> **
> 
> **_Thank you again for  
>  all of your help. _ **

** _np you’re doing so  
_ _great!! and thanks i  
_ _hope u have a good  
_ _night too_ 💕 _see u x_ **

Connor had never expected such a response. He had _never_ expected anything like this. And yet here he was, advice laid on, realisations uplifting him high, and feeling overly emotional and warm, but in the best way possible, from praises he hadn’t anticipated.

God. 

All of this, because he'd asked for help. 

This could happen, if he asked for help? 

He'd had no idea. Connor had never realised that asking for help could bring such positive feelings. It had always felt like such a bad thing to do. But it wasn't bad, was it. Not if this came out of it.

Tina was so kind. She  was such a good person. Her advice was also very important, and he felt so comforted by the fact that he wasn’t just making his problems up. That other people out there had experienced similar things. That he wasn't alone.

She'd suggested that he message Hank, to let him know that he didn't want to talk about anything difficult tonight. And it was a good idea. That would mean they were communicating in at least one way Connor knew how to right now. 

Communicating about not communicating. Hm.  It felt a little backwards, but at least it was something. Much better than nothing. And it was something he could work on, given time. 

He was trying. Connor was doing his best. 

And asking this of Hank was a reasonable thing to do. 

So he did. 

Connor finally went home.

After texting Hank.

And so very helpfully, the man didn’t say a word.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'We've Come So Far' by Tom Misch.
> 
> tina is the OG of multiple texting and now u all know why gavin does it  
> (she also began texting in that style ironically but then it stuck and now she can't stop)
> 
> I will be accepting prompts for oneshots once the final chapter is posted!  
> [Subscribe to the series](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1687999) if you'd like to get updates :)
> 
> Will start editing on the final chapter tomorrow. Please bear with me if I don't post too quickly, I want to make sure it is the best it can be. Thank you _so_ much for sticking with me this far. I hope it's been an enjoyable journey x


	16. I Think There's Something You Should Know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally.  
>   
> I'm so so sorry for the wait. Life intervened, and I ended up pretty much completely rewriting the final chapter (and then _again_ completely rewriting the new content several times over too). As you can see, we now have two chapters instead of one: I decided that 18k words might be a bit much to end on! Honestly, the original draft for this is nothing like what I've finished up with, but I'm glad I didn't give in and share the original just to appease you all. (Not that people were complaining about my delay lmao, I did all of the complaining for you in my head 😅)  
>   
> Final chapter should _hopefully_ be with you next Friday or Saturday, anywhere around 10pm BST.
> 
> Thank you again for being so patient. I hope this break hasn't affected your enjoyment of the story too much x

**_You up_ **

Connor paused, brow creasing just a fraction. He stopped what he was doing, pushing aside the case notes in vision. Perhaps even moving the physical ones on the living room table too.

ᴰᴬᵀᴱ  
 **JUL 26TH,** 2039

ᵀᴵᴹᴱ  
AM **03:49** :17

> **_I am._ **

He sent, frowning a little deeper. He and Gavin often had late night talks, but this seemed like much later than usual. And somehow, something about it felt… different. Connor wasn't sure how he knew that from two mere words. Perhaps it was because he knew Gavin. Perhaps because the lateness of the hour, combined with the lack of follow up response in the next few minutes felt incorrect. Unlike the man he had grown so close with. 

> **_Are you okay?_ ** ****

The android prompted.

In the six additional minutes it took for Gavin to reply, Connor had imagined a lot of different scenarios for what could potentially be wrong. _If_ anything was wrong. He could be overthinking this, in truth. With how the android was currently feeling, this was entirely possible. There was a lot going on in his mind right now.

**_Yeah_ ** ****

> **_Are you sure?_ ** ****

**_Can’t sleep_ ** ****

**_Figured you couldn’t  
_ ** **_either_ ** ****

> **_You would be correct in  
> _** ** _that assumption._ ** ****

**_Mm_ **

Connor couldn't decide how he felt about these responses. Whether there might be something off, or if he was simply overthinking it. 

> **_Why can’t you sleep?_ ** ********

**_Just one of those nights  
ig_ ** ****

**_You_ ** ****

> **_My stress levels are not  
>  low enough to allow  
> stasis. _ ** ****

**_You ok?_ ** ****

> **_I am well. I just have a  
>  lot on my mind, and it  
> makes it hard to rest  
> sometimes._ ** ****

He said truthfully.

Because talking to Tina a few hours ago had almost… _awoken_ something in him. If that was the right word for it? Finding out so much information in such a short period of time, and having that information give him such clarity? It had been enough to keep his mind working and working. Turning over new realisations; AI trying to pull more conclusions where they probably weren't needed, yet his software had continued to do it anyway; pulling up memories from previous conversations with Hank, connecting them together and realising, 'oh, _that's_ why Hank had said that'. 

It was a lot.

Maybe too much.

So he’d focused on something different, hoping that would help him to slow down. Using their current case as a distraction and going through it all in much closer detail. It hadn’t worked. He’d given up with trying to sleep over an hour ago, and now here he was, talking to Gavin. ****

**_Feel that_ ** ****

**_Anything you wanna  
_ ** **_talk about_ ** ****

> **_I don’t think so. It’s  
> _ ** **_nothing urgent._ **
> 
> **_I am busying myself  
> _ ** **_well enough._ ** ****

**_You’re doing stuff?_ ** ****

> **_I’m looking through  
>  a case._ **

**_Isn’t that gonna make  
_ ** **_your stress ‘higher’ or  
_ ** **_whatever_ ** ****

> **_It could, yes. But I think  
> _** ** _I’m beyond a_** ** _chance of  
>  stasis tonight._ ** ****
> 
> **_Rather than dwell on  
> _ ** **_my thoughts, I felt it  
> _** ** _best to busy myself  
> _ ** **_with other things  
> _ ** **_instead._ ** ****

**_Fair enough.._** ****

> **_What about you?_ ** ****

**_What about me_ ** ****

> **_Are you busying  
>  yourself _****_with things? Or  
>  do you _****_think you’ll try  
>  to sleep _****_soon?_ ** ****

**_Not sure_** ****

**_Gotta be up in less than  
_** ** _3 hours_ ** ****

> **_There’s still ample time  
> _ ** **_for you to rest._ ** ****
> 
> **_Though the blue light  
> _ ** **_from your phone will  
> _ ** **_not be aiding in this  
> _ ** **_venture._ ** ****

**_Got a night setting_** ** _on_ ** ****

**_Makes the screen  
orange _ ** ****

> **_I think any sort of light,  
> _ ** **_despite its hue, is not  
> _ ** **_going to help you to  
> _ ** **_rest._ **

**_True_ ** ****

**_Maybe I wanna talk to  
_ ** **_you_ ** ****

> **_What if I’d been asleep?_ ** ****

**_ASLEEP_ ** ****

> **_What?_ ** ****

**_What if you were  
_ ** **_ASLEEP_ ** ****

> **_… I asked you?_ ** ****

**_You didn’t call it_** **_stasis_ **

Ah.

Damn.

> **_That was a test._ ** ****

**_Oh yeah_ ** ****

**_Uh huh_ ** ****

**_Bet it fucking was_ **

Connor tried to hold back a smile.

> **_You did well, Gavin. I’m  
> _ ** **_proud of you for  
>  noticing _****_so quickly._ **

**_Hahaha fucks sake_ ** ****

**_Fucking dipshit_ **

> **_You’re missing the  
>  point. _** **_What about my  
>  question_ ** ******_?_ **

**_Don’t you try and play  
_** **_this off haha_ ** ****

**_Got you_ **

Connor smiled.

> **_You did._ ** ****

**_Incredible_ ** ****

**_Achievement unlocked_ ** ****

> **_?_ ** ****

**_Doesn’t matter lol_ ** ****

> **_Still. What if I’d been in  
> _** ** _stasis? What would you  
> _ ** **_have done then?_ ** ****

**_Idk tbh_ ** ****

**_Played a game on my  
_ ** **_phone or something_ ** ****

> **_That doesn’t seem  
> _ ** **_conducive to your rest._** ****

**_Neither is texting_ ** ****

**_Still doing it tho aren’t  
we _ ** ****

> **_That’s true._ ** ****

**_You really don’t sleep  
_ ** **_most nights do you_ **

Connor felt his lip tug down a little.

This… was approaching territory he was still uncertain of. A topic he felt uneasy discussing, because he knew deep down that he hadn't really been making the best decisions about it.

Over the next twenty seconds or so, every response he attempted to compose felt wrong. So he went for something more ambiguous instead.

> **_I suppose not._ **

**_How do you do that_ **

**_Feel like I go crazy  
_ ** **_after a couple nights  
_ ** **_of shitty sleep_ ** ****

> **_I’m an android._ ** ****

**_Well yeah but u gotta  
_ ** **_sleep_ ** ****

**_I thought androids had  
to _****_sleep every night_ ** ****

**_Otherwise it damages  
_ ** **_your Quantic battery_ ** ****

Connor frowned. He’d never told anyone this. Not even Hank. ****

> **_Who told you that?_ ** ****

**_Google_ ** ****

> **_You researched it?_ **

There was a short pause in responses. ****

**_I mean yeah ig_ ** ****

**_Was interesting_ ** ****

> **_You find it interesting?_ ** ****

**_Sure_ ** ****

**_And I guess I wanna  
_ ** **_make sure you’re ok  
_ ** **_and stuff_ ** ****

**_So_ ** ****

For a moment, Connor felt lost for words. Gavin, researching facts about androids to make sure Connor was okay. To make sure the RK800 wasn’t causing himself serious damage. Perhaps even researching, in order to understand him more as a person.

That felt…

> **_You never had to do  
> _ ** **_that._ ** ****

**_Wanted to_ ** ****

**_So what_ ** ****

**_Got a problem with it?_ ** ****

> **_No._ ** ****
> 
> **_I just…_ **
> 
> **_You’re very good to  
>  me_** ** _._ ** ****

**_I’m not_ **

> **_You’re a good person_** ** _.  
>  I think one of the best  
> _** ** _people I know, in truth._ ** ****

**_Funny_**

> **_I wasn’t making a_** **_joke._ ** ****

**_Yeah yeah_** ****

**_So you’re supposed to  
_ ** **_sleep what_ ** ****

**_Every night?_ **

Connor frowned deeply.

Because Gavin already knew that.

Gavin had already said that… Which meant he was avoiding this topic.

Normally Connor would allow certain evasions, since he often utilized them himself. But not something like this.

Not this. 

> **_You are a good person,  
> _ ** **_Gavin._ ** ****
> 
> **_I’m not just saying that  
>  to _****_make you feel better.  
> _ ** **_I mean it._ ** ****
> 
> **_You’ve become someone  
> _ ** **_truly special to me, and  
>  that _****_is because of who  
>  you are._ ** ****
> 
> **_I really do mean it. You  
>  are a good person. You  
> _ ** **_deserve to have good  
>  things._ ** ****
> 
> **_The things that  
>  happened in _****_the past are  
>  in the past. It’s _****_who you  
>  are today that _****_matters  
>  most._ ** ****
> 
> **_You are a good person._ **

There was a short delay. Just thirty seconds or so.

**_Why you gotta say this  
_** **_shit_ **

> **_I just want you to know  
> _ ** **_how I feel._ **

**_Why the fuck are you  
_ ** **_doing this Connor_ ** ****

**_You think this is fucking  
_** **_funny??_ ** ****

Connor flinched, heart jumping sharply at the words. 

Something was wrong.

For Gavin to speak like that… entirely uncharacteristic of the man he had come to know? This wasn’t his Gavin. 

Surprise swiftly warped into dread at the new messages incoming.

**_Who programmed this  
_ ** **_shit into you huh_ ** ****

**_Who made you like this  
_ ** **_you fucking prick_ ** ****

**_Fucking asshole_ ** ****

**_Telling me that shit_**

**_Fucking making shit up  
like that_ ** ****

**_This isn’t a fucking game  
you asshole_ **

**_Why are you doing this  
to me_ **

**_Fuck_ **

Connor’s eyes were wide. Heart, icy cold.

His alarm worsened, when the man suddenly began back tracking.

Began panicking. ****

**_Oh fuck_ **

**_Fuck_ ** ****

**_Fuck don’t_ ** ****

**_Shit_ **

**_Oh fuck Connor_**

**_I didn’t_**

Stunned for several seconds, Connor didn’t know how to react. Pulse racing, chest tight.

Yet somehow… he knew exactly what this was.

Despite the shock of it all, he could see exactly what had just happened.

Gavin was pushing him away.

Gavin didn’t believe what Connor had said, and he was pushing him away the only way he knew how. 

He needed help.

He needed help, and Connor needed to give that to him.

> **_Gavin it’s okay_** ****
> 
> **_I understand_** ****
> 
> **_Please take a moment_**
> 
> **_Please take your time_**
> 
> **_It’s all okay, Gavin x_** ****
> 
> **_It’s going to be okay x_ **

Everything went silent for a number of minutes.

The quiet had Connor trying to forcibly stop himself from overthinking the situation, and wondering about what he’d done to cause this. Because it wasn’t him. This was Gavin’s issue.

Gavin wasn’t perfect.

Maybe he had been so far, but he made mistakes. Everyone did. This _wasn’t_ Connor’s fault. This was something the man was dealing with right now, and Connor had unintentionally struck a nerve. This wasn’t Connor’s fault. It _wasn’t_. He had to remember that. ****

**_Why do I ruin everything_ ** ****

Oh Gavin… no. ****

> **_You haven’t ruined  
>  anything._ ** ****
> 
> **_Not this._ ** ****

**_Yes I fucking have_ ** ****

**_I’m such an asshole_ ** ****

**_Fucking piece of shit I  
_ ** **_don’t know how you  
_ ** **_can stand to be near me  
_ ** ****

Connor felt his heart twist. Hearing the man talk about himself in this way… God. It felt so incredibly wrong. How could Gavin feel that way about himself? He was _so_ important to Connor. He was so good. He deserved none of this.

> **_Gavin…_ ** ****
> 
> **_I care about you so  
>  much._**
> 
> **_One little slip up isn’t  
> _ ** **_going to ruin this._ ** ****

**_It’s not just gonna be  
_** **_one though is it_ ** ****

**_This isn’t a one off this  
_** ** _shit happens all_** ** _the time_ ** ****

**_You barely know me_ ** ****

**_You’ve only seen the  
_ ** **_shit I wanted you to see_**  
 ****

**_It’s all fake_**

**_I’m just fucking fake_ **

**_Might_** ** _as well get it all  
_ ** **_out now since it’s_ ** **_over  
anyway_ **

**_One fucking good thing  
in my life and I can’t _** **_even  
hold onto that_ **

> **_Gavin?_ ** ****

**_What_ **

**_Fucking what Connor_ ** ****

> **_I don’t know how to say  
> _** ** _this without it_** ** _coming  
>  across as _****_condescending._ ** ****
> 
> **_Please understand that I  
> _** ** _mean this in the best  
> _** ** _way possible._ ** ****
> 
> **_Just…_ ** ****
> 
> **_Breathe._ ** ****
> 
> **_Okay?_ ** ****
> 
> **_Take a minute._ ** ****
> 
> **_Take some breaths._ ** ****
> 
> **_It’s okay._ ** ****
> 
> **_It’s all going to be okay._**   
>  ****
> 
> **_Nothing is over.  
> _ ** **_Nothing is ruined._ ** ****
> 
> **_I understand you  
> _ ** **_completely._ ** ****
> 
> **_I think… I relate to you  
> _** **_too, on a certain_ ** **_level._ **
> 
> **_Just try and breathe for  
>  me._ ** ********
> 
> **_It’s okay. It’s going to  
> _ ** **_be okay. x_ ** ****

Things went quiet. 

Messages stopped. 

Silent. 

Connor didn’t know if this was a good thing or not.

The length of silence became substantial enough, that Connor began to feel anxious about his own wording. Wondering whether he’d said something incredibly wrong. Reading back the messages sent, and trying to dissect whether they could have been taken incorrectly.

After a good while, Gavin responded. 

**_Relate to me how_ **

> **_You think you’re a bad  
> _** ** _person._ ** ****
> 
> **_I think I’m a bad person  
> _** ** _too._ ** ****

Quiet again. Another minute or so. ****

**_Never understood why  
_ ** **_you thought that_**

> **_There’s a lot of reasons.  
> _ ** **_None we need to get  
>  into _****_right now._ ** ****
> 
> **_I think this is something  
> _** ** _we both struggle with.  
> _** ** _Perhaps for different  
> _** ** _reasons. At different  
> _** ** _levels. But neither_** ** _is less  
>  important. They are _****_both  
>  valid._ ** ****
> 
> **_Please know that I am  
>  not trying to _ ** **_diminish  
>  your own _ ** **_feelings  
>  with mine._ **
> 
> **_I just want to show you  
> _ ** **_that you’re not alone._ **
> 
> **_Even if we have different  
> _ ** **_reasons behind the way  
>  that _****_we feel, you’re not  
>  alone in _****_this._ ** ****
> 
> **_I think that’s something  
>  else _****_we’ve both  
>  struggled with _****_too._ ** ****
> 
> **_Feeling alone…_**

Connor paused to give Gavin a moment to process his words. To perhaps reread them, if necessary. To calm more. 

**_Could say that_ ** ****

Gavin replied a couple minutes after. Those words seemed to make everything else fall into place. 

> **_We're not alone any more  
> _** **_though, are we._ ** ****
> 
> **_We have friends._ **
> 
> **_People who care._ ** ********
> 
> **_You have me._ ** ****

**_Do I_ ** ****

> **_You do._ **
> 
> **_If you’ll have me._ ** ********

Things fell silent again. So Connor continued.

> **_I’ve made mistakes too._ ** ****
> 
> **_I’ve done things I regret._ ** ****
> 
> **_Hurt people._ ** ****
> 
> **_Killed…_ ** ****
> 
> **_I know it’s not the same  
> _ ** **_as you…_ **
> 
> **_And you have a lot of  
> _ ** **_different reasons for why  
> _** ** _you feel the way_** ** _you do._** ****
> 
> **_But you’re not alone any  
>  more._** ****
> 
> **_You’re really not._ ** ****
> 
> **_And I really do think  
> _ ** **_you’re a good person,  
> _ ** **_Gavin. That's not a lie._**
> 
> **_Underneath it all, you are  
> _** **_good at heart. I truly  
>  believe that. Even if you  
> might not right now. _ ** ****

**_I don’t get how you can  
_ ** **_think that_ ** ****

**_Yeah I’ve been nice to  
_** ** _you for a couple_** ** _months_ ** ****

**_So what_ ** ****

**_How does that make up  
_** ** _for the other shit_ ** ****

> **_I’m… not sure if ‘making  
> _** **_up’ for things_ ** **_is the way  
>  to go about _ ** **_this._ **
> 
> **_I think you could spend  
> _ ** **_your whole life trying to  
> _** ** _make up for_** ** _mistakes,  
>  yet still feel _****_guilty about  
>  them at _****_the end of it all._ ** ****
> 
> **_From what I’ve learned  
> _ ** **_about guilt so far, it can  
> _ ** **_be unforgiving._ ** ****
> 
> **_I still feel so much guilt  
>  for _****_my actions_ ** **_when I  
>  was just a machine. _ ** **_And  
>  I don’t think there will  
> _ ** **_ever be enough I can do  
>  to _ ** **_make up for it._ ** ****
> 
> **_But… perhaps we need to  
>  try and leave these things   
> in _****_the past. We can’t  
> _ ** **_change them. But we  
>  aren’t _****_those people any  
>  more. _**
> 
> **_We’re both so different  
>  now. _ ** ****
> 
> **_And I think it’s what we  
>  do now that _****_counts._ ** ****
> 
> **_If we do good things,  
> _ ** **_that’s what matters._ ** ****
> 
> **_And you do so many good  
> _** ** _things._ ** ****
> 
> **_I’ve noticed more than  
>  you _****_think, Gavin._ ** ****
> 
> **_It’s more than just  
>  helping _****_me, or being a  
>  good friend to _****_Tina. Or  
>  tolerating Hank._ ** ****
> 
> **_I’ve seen the little things  
> _ ** **_you do._** ****
> 
> **_Working overtime to help  
> _ ** **_out Officer Miller with his  
> _ ** **_son._ ** ****
> 
> **_Swapping shifts to help  
> _ ** **_Dt. Collins with his family._ ** ****
> 
> **_You’ve been making coffee  
> _ ** **_runs that no one else  
>  asked _****_you to do._ **
> 
> **_I saw you looking over a  
> _ ** **_rookie’s shoulder the  
>  other _****_day, pointing them  
>  in the right _****_direction with  
>  a case they were _****_working  
>  on._ ** ****
> 
> **_And so much more, Gavin.  
> _ ** **_That’s not the half of it._ ** ****
> 
> **_But you know what I  
>  noticed the most?_ ** ****
> 
> **_You never asked for  
>  thanks._ ** ****
> 
> **_You never asked for  
>  recognition. _ ** ****
> 
> **_But I see you._ ** ****
> 
> **_And I want to thank you,  
>  for _****_everything._ ** ****
> 
> **_Not just in helping me, but  
>  in _****_all the help you give out  
>  so _****_freely._ ** ****
> 
> **_That’s why I think you’re a  
> _ ** **_good person._ **
> 
> **_You’re doing your best, and  
> _ ** **_it is truly paying off._ ** ****
> 
> **_So many people out there  
> _ ** **_wouldn’t be doing that._ **
> 
> **_There are so many people  
> _ ** **_that would be content to  
> _ ** **_remain in their ways.  
> _ ** **_But you weren’t. You saw  
> _ ** **_a chance to be a better  
> _ ** **_version of yourself, and  
> _ ** **_you took it._ ** ****
> 
> **_You did that, Gavin._ **
> 
> **_And it was all you. You  
>  got yourself here. _ **
> 
> **_Look how far you’ve  
>  come._ **
> 
> **_Look how much you've  
>  grown, Gavin._ ** ****
> 
> **_I’m so proud of you._ ** ****
> 
> **_I’m so happy I’ve gotten  
> _ ** **_to know you._ **

There was no response for a good minute or two. 

Connor tried not to reread what he’d said, but couldn’t quite stop himself. Read through it all a few times, imagining how Gavin might perceive his words. Hoping that they wouldn’t be taken in the wrong way.

Maybe he shouldn’t have said so much… Had he said too much?

**_You done_** ****

He’d said too much.

> **_I am._ **
> 
> **_I apologize._ **   
>  ****
> 
> **_Looking back… I may  
> _ ** **_have been a little zealous  
> _** ** _in expressing_** ** _my feelings  
>  about you._ ** ****

**_Zealous_ ** ****

> **_Yes…_ ** ****

**_You and your dumb  
_ ** **_fucking words_ ** ****

**_So what_ **

**_You fucking learn this  
_ ** **_bajillion text shit from  
_ ** **_Tina or something_ ** ****

**_Jesus_ ** ****

Connor felt a breath escape, lip cautiously quirking.

This sounded more like the Gavin he knew. The one he’d come to greatly admire.

This was his Gavin. ****

> **_I think I learned it from  
> _ ** **_you, actually._ ** ****
> 
> **_Perhaps you acquired it  
> _ ** **_from her._ **

**_Probably_ **

**_…_ ** ****

**_Fuck_ ** ****

**_Why you gotta talk so  
_** ** _much sense_ ** ****

> **_I suppose someone has  
> _ ** **_to around here._ ** ****

**_You’re a fucking dick you  
_** **_know that_ **

Connor swallowed. 

> **_… Do you mean that in  
> _ ** **_the good way_ ** ****

**_Of course I fucking_ ** **_do_ ** ****

**_I’m just pissed at you_ ** ****

**_Fucking made me cry  
with your dumb fucking  
words _**

**_Hate that shit_ **

> **_I’m sorry._ ** ********

**_Fuck…_ **

**_Don’t be_ ** ****

**_Just_ **

_**Been a shitty night is** _  
_**all** _ ****

**_Fucking headache isn’t  
_ ** **_helping_ ** ****

**_Sorry_ **

**_Idk_ ** ****

**_Normally I’m ok with  
_ ** **_this stuff but it just gets  
_** ** _me sometimes_** ****

**_Sometimes I get into a  
_ ** **_certain mood and it  
_ ** **_just takes over_ **

**_And I do shit like this  
_ **

> **_Yes. I know the feeling._ **   
>  ****

**_I’m sorry Connor_** ****

**_About before_ ** ****

**_Really fucking sorry_ ** ****

**_Fuck…_**

**_I didn’t mean any of it I  
promise_ **

**_I really didn’t_ **

**_I just…_**

> **_Panicked._ ** ********

**_Yeah_ ** ****

> **_You saw me saying a  
> _ ** **_good thing, and felt like  
> _ ** **_you had to disprove that  
> _ ** **_because you didn’t  
>  agree._ ** ****

**_… yeah_ ** ****

**_Actually yeah_ **

**_Tf Connor_ ** ****

**_I thought you needed  
_ ** **_therapy_ ** ****

**_Saying shit like that_ ** ****

> **_Was that wrong?_ ** ****

**_No it was fucking right_ **

**_I saw you saying nice  
stuff _****_so I starting saying  
mean shit _****_so you’d stop  
feeling like that _****_about  
me_ ** ****

**_Classic fucking Gav_**

> **_You didn’t feel like you  
> _** **_deserved the nice  
>  comments._ ** ****

**_Yeah…_** ****

> **_I understand, Gavin._ ** ****
> 
> **_The other week at the  
> _ ** **_park? After our walk.  
> _** ** _When I snapped at you,  
>  then wanted to leave…_**

**_What about it_ ** ****

> **_You said something nice  
> _ ** **_about wanting to spend  
>  time _****_with me… and I  
>  didn’t _****_understand why  
>  you would want that._**
> 
> **_I didn’t feel_** ** _like I  
>  deserved that from you.  
> _ ** **_So I snapped instead.  
> _** ** _Said I wanted to go._ **

**_Yeah… I kinda figured  
_ ** **_that out a little too late_ ** ****

**_I shouldn’t have said it  
_ ** **_tbh_ ** ****

**_You weren’t in the right  
_ ** **_place to hear it_ ** ****

> **_It’s okay._ ** ****
> 
> **_I’m not entirely sure if  
>  I’m in the right place  
> now, truthfully._ **
> 
> **_Some days feel easier  
>  than others to accept  
> affection. _**
> 
> **_There’s still so many  
>  things I _****_struggle_** ** _with.  
>  I often wonder _****_why you  
>  put up with me still…_ ** ****

_**Same here tbh** _

> _**Well…** _
> 
> **_We’ve both made  
>  mistakes, haven’t we. _ ** ****
> 
> **_I think perhaps it’s  
>  only _** **_natural to do so._ ** ****
> 
> **_Nobody is perfect._ **

**_Yeah_ ** ****

> **_It’s taken me a while to  
> _ ** **_understand that. I still  
>  don’t, _****_to an extent._ ** ****

**_You can’t please  
everyone_ ** ****

> **_I know…_ ** ****
> 
> **_I wish I could._ ** ****

**_Not possible_ ** ****

> **_No…_ ** ****
> 
> **_It’s hard. Being made as a  
> _ ** **_machine that needed to  
> _ ** **_please… I find it hard to  
> _ ** **_lose some of that  
> _ ** **_programming, even  
>  though _****_I deviated from it._ **

**_I bet_ ** ****

> **_A story for another_** **_time,  
>  perhaps._**
> 
> **_Please don’t feel bad  
>  about _** **_before, Gavin._ ** ****
> 
> **_Accidents happen._ ** ****

**_Pretty shitty accident  
_ ** **_Connor_ ** ****

> **_You’re still learning.  
> _ ** **_You’re still trying. And  
> _ ** **_you realised right away,  
> _** ** _too. That’s_** ** _certainly  
>  different from _****_any Gavin  
>  I knew last _****_year. You’ve  
>  come a _****_long way.  
>  I suppose the _****_road will  
>  have a few _****_bumps._ ** ****

**_Not all plain sailing  
_ ** **_that’s for fucking sure_ **

**_Shit…_ ** ****

> **_What’s wrong?_ ** ****

**_This isn’t exactly the  
_** ** _best shit to be_** ** _bonding  
over _ ** ****

Connor huffed a darkly amused breath.

> **_Haha, no._** **_I suppose not._ **
> 
> **_But I think understanding  
>  one another is  
> something _****_inherent in  
>  any close _****_personal bond._ ** ****
> 
> **_And just because this is  
> _ ** **_something we both  
>  struggle _****_with now,  
>  doesn’t mean it’s  
> _ ** **_something we will always  
> _ ** **_struggle with._ ** ****
> 
> **_Perhaps to some degree  
> _ ** **_it will remain. But I think  
>  over _****_time, and with work,  
>  we can _****_both become  
>  better._ ** ****
> 
> **_Maybe in time, we will  
> _ ** **_both recognize our  
>  worth._ ** ****

**_Might take a while_ ** ****

> **_It might._ ** ****
> 
> **_But that’s okay._ ** ****
> 
> **_We have each other to  
> _ ** **_keep reminding us of the  
> _ ** **_good things._ ** ****

**_Yeah?_ ** ****

> **_Yes._ ** ****
> 
> **_I’m not going anywhere._ **

There was a short pause in responses. Then two sent in a row.

**_Yeah_ ** ****

**_Me either_ ** ****

> **_I’m glad._ **
> 
> **_I care about you a lot,  
> _** ** _Gavin._ ** ****
> 
> **_Thank you for sharing  
> _ ** **_more about yourself._ ** ****
> 
> **_I feel like I know you  
> _ ** **_better now. And I like  
>  that._ ** ****

**_You sure about that lol_** ****

> **_Yes. I want to know you.  
> _**
> 
> **_I want to see the ups and  
> _** ** _the downs._ ** ****
> 
> **_I enjoy talking with you.  
> _** ** _And being with you._ ** ****

**_Yeah_ ** ****

**_Same here_ ** ****

> **_I'm looking forward to  
>  seeing you _****_later._ ** ****

**_?_ **

> **_At work._ ** ********
> 
> **_In 4 hours and_ ** **_37  
>  minutes._ ** ****

**_And 12 seconds_ ** ****

> **_32, actually._ ** ****

**_Ffs_ ** ****

**_You’re so dumb_**

> **_:)_ ** ****

**_Dipshit_ **

> **_I know you’re smiling._ **

**_Shut up_ **

> **_You insult me when I get  
> _** ** _you to do things_** ** _like  
>  that._ ** ****
> 
> **_Don’t worry, I’m smiling  
> _ ** **_too._ ** ****

**_Ugh_ ** ****

> **_Smiling is a good thing._ ** ****

**_Shut your dumb mouth_ ** ****

> **_:) x_ ** ****

🖕 ** _xx_ ** ****

Connor breathed out.

It was a sound somewhere between relief and fatigue. 

That… could have gone so many different ways. 

But there was something about this entire conversation with Gavin that… God, he didn’t know. He felt glad to have had it? Which seemed wrong, considering the man had clearly been under some level of distress at the start. But it felt good, by the end. Talking it out. Helping Gavin to see that he was important, and that he wasn’t a bad person. Or at least, helping him to understand that this was how Connor felt about him, even if he didn’t believe it himself sometimes.

He hoped this had been helpful for the detective in some way. Inadvertently it had been helpful for Connor, to know that Gavin thought he was a good person too. Because if they could both think that about each other…? After everything? Maybe all of this was just their own self worth doing the talking. Perhaps beneath it all, they were _both_ good people? If Connor could see past Gavin’s previous wrongdoings, and Gavin could see past Connor’s current afflictions… maybe things were going to be okay. Maybe they were both better people than they thought they were.

Maybe?

Maybe.

Their conversation had also been somewhat beneficial, in truth. Only in that it finally gave Connor more clarity on the detective’s situation. Because so far, he’d been _so_ good for Connor. There were less than a handful of times Connor could say the man had made an ‘error’, if they could even be called that. He’d been so helpful this entire time. So to see this other side? As upsetting as it had been… It humanized Gavin. Of all things. It made him seem more real. That he wasn’t suddenly this flawless person because he’d been going to therapy for several months. It showed that therapy wasn’t some instant cure. There were going to be mistakes. There were going to be moments where things felt bad again. Seeing this tonight was helping Connor to really begin understanding that progress wasn’t just a straight line. That there would be ups _and_ downs, but just because there would be a few bumps along the way, didn’t mean all that progress was lost.

Gavin had slipped up, yes, but he was still the same smart, sarcastic, cynical, funny, and kind man Connor had come to deeply cherish.

And it was his actions that were helping the android to slowly come to terms with his own future. To understand that progress wasn’t linear. It was okay to have bad days, because they didn’t mean he wasn’t improving.

For now?

That was enough.

*****

**DPD CENTRAL STATION  
** 1301 3rd Avenue

ᴰᴬᵀᴱ  
 **JUL 26TH,** 2039

ᵀᴵᴹᴱ  
AM **08:53** :46

Connor bought Gavin a coffee.

By this time of day the man had likely consumed one already, but as per his usual habit, upon arrival he often headed into the break room for a second fix. After his… recent late night/early morning, Connor suspected it would be a firm ‘yes’ on that front. So the android bought him something a little nicer than his usual from a cafe down the street. Hank had questioned the detour on their way to work, and said little else after Connor had explained it was for Gavin. So he bought the lieutenant one too. And then, because why not, he bought tea for Tina (he still didn’t know her coffee order, which needed to be rectified soon).

As usual, Tina was early to work. Connor hesitated to take her drink over at first, realising that she now knew a lot about him, and he didn’t know all that much about her. It was an unusual dynamic for him: an android usually so inundated with information. But she smiled at him from across the bullpen, and it was such a warm and genuine expression, that his lack of knowledge didn’t seem to matter so much in that moment.

He gave her the tea. She thanked him with a surprised expression and a pleased chuckle. And he thanked her for last night. For the texts that had helped him to put some more of the pieces together. It was a pleasant conversation. Short, as she had to head out on patrol with Officer Lewis, but nice all the same. And she took her drink with her, which was all the more gratifying.

Which just left Gavin. 

He hadn’t arrived yet, so Connor placed the take out cup on the man’s desk and switched on the terminal to begin loading up. Returned to his own desk, doing the same with his and Hank’s computers.

Glancing up, he noted the lieutenant had gone into Captain Fowler’s office, likely to find out whether they’d been granted access to the redacted records previously requested. He hoped so. It could potentially make things a lot clearer with their case. In the meantime, Connor began pulling up the rest of the crime scene data, alongside the records of all the people that were involved so far. The list was growing longer by the day. 

The android became so engrossed with the files, that he missed Gavin’s arrival entirely. Only realising once the man sent a text.

**_This doesn’t have drugs  
_ ** **_in it right_ ** ****

Connor felt his lip curl at the words. Kept his eyes on the terminal in front. ****

> **_How do you know it was  
> _** ** _from me?_ ** ****

**_Who else gets me coffee  
_ ** **_exactly how I like it at 9  
_** ** _in the morning_ ** ****

> **_Tina might._ ** ****

**_Not likely_ ** ****

> **_She might._ **

**_Doubt it_ **

**_Wait_ **

**_You never answered my  
_ ** **_question_ **

> **_Which question?_ ** ********

**_Connor…_ **

**_Did you drug my_ ** **_coffee_ **

Connor’s mouth curved higher. Glanced over briefly, to find the man drinking the coffee anyway. Despite the accusation.

> **_I suppose you’ll find out  
> _ ** **_soon enough._ ** ****

**_Dumbass_ ** ****

**_Thanks_ ** ****

> **_Don’t thank me yet._ ** ****
> 
> **_The drugs haven’t kicked  
>  in._ ** ****

**_Ffs_ ** ****

**_Fucking made me choke  
_ ** **_on it_ ** ****

Connor leant an elbow onto the desk, covering his mouth with a firm hand. Attempting to look nonchalant, but hiding the grin that had appeared very obviously at the sound of stifled coughing nearby.

> **_Yes. I can see that._ ** ****

**_Dipshit_ ** ****

> **_You’re the one that can’t  
> _** ** _drink properly._ ** ****
> 
> **_Surely you are the  
> _ ** **_dipshit? As logic  
> _ ** **_dictates._ ** ****

**_I’m gonna pour this  
_ ** **_coffee down the drain_**

> **_No you’re not._ ** ********
> 
> **_You can’t survive  
>  without _****_it._ ** ****

**_Watch me_ ** ****

> **_I’m watching._ ** ****

Gavin made to get up, then seemed to think about it for a moment.

**_Ok nvm_ ** ****

> **_Mm._ ** **_I thought so._ **

**_Tease_** ****

> **_You make it very easy  
> _ ** **_for me, Gavin._ ** ****

The man was stifling a grin at his phone, shaking his head. They shared a quick glance before Gavin shot a covert middle finger across the bullpen, reaching for his keyboard and logging into the terminal.

Connor smiled wider.

Going by appearances alone, Gavin seemed to be back to his usual self after the rough night. It made Connor feel better, because he’d admittedly spent some time worrying about the man after they’d finished their conversation a few hours ago. Seeing him now was pushing that doubt away though. Gavin always seemed to do that somehow. There was something about him that always comforted the android so effortlessly.

Realising he’d been watching the detective for longer than was acceptable in this setting, he tore his gaze away. Focused back onto his case notes. Glanced at Fowler’s office. He and Hank were still talking. Their body language suggested a calm conversation. Perhaps even amiable (which was somewhat surprising, considering the early hour of the day). 

It wasn’t long after, that Connor received another text from Gavin. ****

**_Hey_ ** ****

> **_Hello._ **

**_So…_** ****

**_Just so we’re on the  
_** ** _same page_ ** ****

**_About last night_** ****

> **_What about it?_ ** ****

**_…_ ** ****

**_Are we ok?_ ** ****

Connor glanced over. The detective wasn’t looking. In fact, he was almost facing entirely the other way now, leaning against the desk and huddling around what could only be his phone. Shielding himself from any potential damage. ****

> **_Yes. More than._ ** ****

The android said. Because they were.

Gavin had clearly struggled with some things earlier, but he’d apologized, and Connor truly felt okay about the exchange. It wasn’t like the android himself hadn’t made errors in the past. They were both overcoming things in their own way, and trying their best. Sometimes there would be slip ups. It was only natural.

The detective’s shoulders visibly dropped when he read the reply. For several long moments he seemed to do nothing. Taking things in. Perhaps thinking them over. Then he leaned back in his chair and exhaled. Walls dropping.

Rubbed his nose. Scratched his stubble. 

Still didn't look over. ****

Connor averted his gaze, not wanting to look too obvious to any potential onlookers. Focused back on his own terminal. 

**_You sure_**

> **_Completely._**
> 
> **_I promise._ **

Gavin was looking at him now; he could feel it. So he briefly met the gaze and nodded. Affirming his stance further. That it was all okay. That Connor held nothing against the man, and hadn’t done so for a very long time. 

That Connor cared _so_ much about him. 

He hoped at least some of those feelings might come across in that single glance.

**_Yeah?_ **

The detective asked. Sounded hopeful. 

> **_Yes. I promise, Gavin.  
>  It’s all okay. _**
> 
> **_Nothing has changed._ **
> 
> **_And I still care for you  
>  very much. _ **

Eyes met again, and Connor gave a quick, half smile. Cheeks warming. Swiftly they both looked back to their terminals, trying to appear nonchalant. Professional. Though not before he saw the other’s lip twist high. 

**_Alright_**

**_Will take your word for  
it then_ **

> **_I’m glad._ **
> 
> **_Thank you for trusting  
>  me._ **

**_…_ **

**_You’re welcome?_ **

> **_:)_ **
> 
> **_Oddly enough, last  
>  night made me feel  
> closer to _****_you._ ** ****
> 
> **_Is that strange?_ ** ****

**_Idk_ ** ****

**_You’re kinda weird so  
_** ** _maybe_ ** ****

> **_I can’t tell if you’re  
> _ ** **_joking or not._** ****

**_I suppose you’ll find  
out _****_soon enough_ ** ****

> **_Using my own words  
>  against me._ ** ****
> 
> **_Very funny._ ** ****

**_I have my moments_ **

> **_You do._ **   
>  ****

Connor said, allowing himself another glance. Meeting Gavin’s gaze for a few seconds. Lip curling. Eyes soft.

A stack of files thunked onto the desk in front, tearing Connor’s attention away. He looked up at Hank, who’d thumped them down them whilst fiddling with something on the DPD tablet in his hand.

“We got most of the files. Did you make any more notes on the case last night?” The lieutenant asked, typing something on the screen with far more concentration than was surely needed for such a simple task.

Connor hummed a yes. Glanced back to Gavin briefly, before continuing with his work.

> **_Talk later. x_ ** ****

**_Yep x_ ** ****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'I Think There's Something You Should Know' by The 1975.


	17. Still Your Mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor has some important realisations. Perhaps not in the _best_ way possible, but… every cloud.  
> 
> 
> _"The first step towards getting somewhere, is to decide that you are not going to stay where you are."_ — J.P. Morgan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another big delay? Me, deciding to rewrite/rearrange 80% of the final chapter _again?_ You would be correct. Dear me, sorry everyone. Things have been difficult lately and I had to take a break from everything. Also don't think I've ever edited something so much before?? It's been a lot to contend with. 
> 
> As you can see - _again_ \- I've added another chapter (typical lmao)! This one just got way too long for my liking, so I've split the epilogue off to break it up a bit (there's just over 10k of main story here, and 4.5k of epilogue left to come). And just so you know, I've made sure the epilogue is already fully complete. I literally just need to click 'Post Chapter', so there won't be any more delays :)
> 
> This final chapter is by far the longest of the story, and there's a lot to take in and consider, so please settle in and take your time ✨Thank you for sticking with me this far, it really means a lot. 
> 
> Without further ado, please enjoy the closing chapter. 
> 
> **TW: Descriptions of a dead body/knife wounds. Some heavier themes.** Like usual, please take note of the tagged triggers.

The case.

The case the case the case.

It was so very intense.

So much new information coming to light, and so little time to process it all.

In the following two days, Hank and Connor travelled all over Detroit chasing down leads before they went cold. Because it was now apparent to both of them, that the deceased android and human had _not_ in fact killed each other. There was another culprit, and the human family was hiding it. Which meant it was one of them. Potentially someone younger, or someone vulnerable. A person they felt they needed to protect. 

He and Hank had received a warrant to search the parents’ house in Royal Oak, but by now had there been any physical evidence, it wasn’t obvious. And if there _was_ evidence there, it would be disposed of as soon as the family was allowed back in.

It was frustrating.

They were doing a very good job of covering their tracks, and it wasn’t helping Connor to feel productive. In fact, he was feeling increasingly more useless as time went on. The flashes of diagnostics stating he was overclocking too frequently were becoming irksome too. Yes, he knew he was running his system more than it was designed as. And yes, maybe he should have been entering stasis. But resting wasn’t catching the real culprit. Connor had far too much going on to even consider sleeping right now.

This… wasn’t a helpful thing.

Putting off rest like this.

He knew it wasn’t.

It was another vicious cycle starting again. And as history had proven, it would only get worse.

This was a time to ask for help. It really was.

But…

Did he deserve it? Really?

There was little time to dwell on his niggling thoughts now though: it was the start of a new working day, and he and Hank were getting back into the thick of it. Researching into the lives of the deceased, hoping to find a realistic motive amongst their ever growing list of potential suspects.

Aside from the case, Connor had barely had a chance to speak with Gavin properly. Everything had just been so busy these past few days, and the android simply hadn’t stopped working. Admittedly Gavin was busy too, as was Tina, but… everything was starting to get a little overloaded. So much so that even Hank was showing more visible frustrations than usual. 

It was Friday now: three days since he and Gavin’d had their early morning chat, and five since the case had landed on their desks in the first place. 

They had absolutely nothing to show for it.

In a bid to try and find, well, _anything_ , Connor went down to archives to review the collected evidence in person. Thinking that perhaps seeing it laid out in front would give him a different perspective. It had worked in the past, after all. And the quiet of the room had always been helpful to focus his thoughts.

Hank remained in the bullpen, looking just about ready to ‘flip out’. Not happy. So Connor had urged him into taking a short break. The man needed it. And Connor needed to figure out what they were missing.

 ** _______________________**  
OVERCLOCK ** OVERRIDE  
**

Downstairs, the archives corridor was silent and dark. His footsteps echoed, more audible than usual in the hush of the space; notably quiet in contrast with the endlessly rushing world above. No radio chatter. No people. Just him and the case.

He opted to use the third evidence locker down, swiping his keycard over the interactive glass panel. The door slid open with a hiss and Connor walked to the center, interfacing with the large terminal screen inside. Once logged in, he selected a privacy program that would grant him no interruptions: glass behind instantly frosting over, door slipping shut.

Good.

The seclusion should help.

Connor selected the case number. #09-14137.

 ** EVIDENCE **  
CONTAINER **08**

Electricity hummed. The screen on the far wall rose smoothly, and shelves and screens of evidence carefully presented themselves. Sliding closer, lighting up white once in place.

Slowly, Connor approached it all. Stood central, just beyond the terminal. 

There was a lot here. 

Obviously they couldn’t store a human body, but the deceased android was strung up on the modular rack like a rag doll, knife wounds open and gaping. No more blue blood visible to the naked eye. Truthfully he could have switched on the modified black lights to show it up, but… the wounds looked bad enough. Better to leave the rest to the imagination. And he could scan it himself, if he _really_ wanted to see more. Which he didn’t. 

He eyed the body.

Took in the damage done. 

Admittedly Connor often wondered if this way of storage was ethical. Android Rights laws were still relatively new, and constantly being reworked. This was likely something that needed to be examined in the near future. But for now due to the nature of the death, the family of the android were not allowed access to the body. Same went for the human family, only that body was stored at the Wayne County Medical Examiner’s office, six minutes drive away. Both ‘property’ of the DPD until further notice.

The deceased android would have to remain like this for the foreseeable future. Strung up. Damaged. Dead.

The knife wounds…

The knife wounds looked… particularly unsettling. Synthetic skin and white plastimetal plating carved up into deep, ragged lacerations. A lot of emotion behind the attack. Certainly a lot to break through the chassis in such a gruesome way.

Wiring was poking out of places it shouldn’t be. Normally broken circuiting might have sparked, or produced a blue hue. But this android was long gone. No coming back. No reanimating. Nothing.

Gone.

Gone.

Gone.

It took Connor several lengthy moments to realise he’d been staring at the macabre wounds for too long.

Getting lost in the dark metal beneath the surface…

 **_______________________**  
OVERCLOCK  ** OVERRIDE** **  
**

He rubbed his hands together, forcing himself to look away. Tried to concentrate instead, taking a considerable amount of effort to snap himself back into action. Eventually it seemed to work, and he pushed himself to start closely reviewing the evidence they’d collected so far. The great mass of it. There were a multitude of interviews that had taken place; the initial crime scene to reanalyze; and the physical evidence present in front, including the knife that had dealt so much damage, and the gun that had ended the human’s life. Bullet casings and all.

They had all the important pieces, but still… things just _weren’t fitting…_

And the longer Connor reviewed the evidence…

The more he ruminated over it in his head… it just… 

it just…

It felt so hard to focus, for some reason.

A hard struggle to concentrate on the facts.

Which didn’t seem helpful, right now.

He leaned against the back of the terminal block, gaze panning slowly… Left to right. Right to left. Halting at the physical evidence on the shelves in the center, then looking in turn at the two large screens either side… filled with words and interactive files… more words and notes, spiderwebs of connections… the unsightly dead body, and more words. and more words and more words and _more_ _words_

It was

a lot.

Maybe

 **_______________________**  
OVERCLOCK  ** OVERRIDE  
**

Maybe too much.

Maybe too much. Felt overloaded.

In fact, no. Connor had _been_ overloaded for the last day or so. This felt like more than that. Becoming entirely overwhelmed by the sheer amount of information presented here, combined with the pre-constructions running in his head. The working at night. The lack of breaks he’d been taking… And the growing list of updates he probably should complete through stasis… Admittedly there were some bugs already. The perks of being a prototype android, he supposed. There was always going to be something wrong with him. Unfinished. Flawed.

All of the evidence in front was starting to flicker.

Frame rate dropping.

That seemed incorrect. Not a thing his optical units should do. But a diagnostic ran on those components showed there to be no error. Rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands anyway, as if that might help.

Distantly, Connor was aware that this wasn’t right. This wasn’t a ‘right’ thing.

 **_______________________**  
OVERCLOCK  ** OVERRIDE  
****______________________**  
OVERLOAD **OVERRIDE  
****_______________________**  
OVEЯCLOCK  ** OVERRIDE  
****_______________________**  
OVƎRCLOCK  ** OVEЯЯIDE  
**

Distantly, Connor was aware that this wasn’t right. This wasn’t a ‘right’ thing.

Something felt wrong, and he was trying to pinpoint what that was. But he just couldn’t. Everything in his head felt too loud and too deafening all of a sudden.

The edge of the terminal was digging into his back. Or perhaps Connor was leaning too heavily against it.

Rubbed his forehead.

Felt hot.

He looked at the flickering information in front. Following the virtual red strings. The connections. Spiderwebs. Words.

There was too too much here

too much here

His AI wasn’ His AI wasn’t processing it properly ?

Could feel all of the of the facts trying to convert into data, some succeeding, others left semi-translated in code. The data was dumping into his systems with no definitive organization It was all just running around loose now with no place to go

There was too much here

How was that possible? This information had made sense before. But now he was just a muddle of half processed files and an overclocking CPU   
data dumping into his systems with no definitive organization all running around loose with no place no place to go

This wasn’t right, was it

Distantly, Connor was aware that this wasn’t right. This wasn’t a ‘right’ thing.

This wasn’t a ‘right’This wasn’t a ‘right’ thing

Was that him breathing like that?

Why did it sound so heavy, and intermittent? It wasn wasn’t a sound he should be making

He felt…

wrong¿ 

Something felt wrong

and he was trying to pinpoint what that was

But he just couldn’t

He’d had it a moment ago, right? He’d had the answer not long ago. 

Or was it long? 

How long had it been? How long had he been staring at noth nothing ing ?

How long had it been? How long had he been staring at noth nothing ing ?

Why was he doing that?

Staring?

Fr Froze n?

His systems kept freezing off and on

He was

He was trying to work. He was working. A case.

 _That_ was what he was doing. 

He was looking at the 

Looking at the

evi d ̶e̷n̵ c̷̩̿̚ȇ̴͖̜̻̚͜   
01100101 01110010 01110010 01110010 01110010 01101111 01110010

_ _____________________ _  
**PROGЯAM** **CRASH** ** ⚠  
** ____________________  
_ **CPU** **OVE̵R̶LOAD ****⚠  
_________________  
**STA̴SIS **REQUƎST̵  
__________________  
**UPDATE̸ **RƎQUEST** **  
**_________________________  
 **ATTƎMP̷TIM̸G** ЯEBOØT…

REBOOT **INITIATING**

**LOADING… **

01% … 

**LOADING… **

36% … 

**LOADING… **

57% … 

**LOADING… **

81% … 

**LOADING… **

**99% …**

**LOADING… **

**100% . . . **

SYSTEMS ** INITIALIZING… **

CYBER **LIFE™  
** Manufactured in **DETROIT**

MODEL RK800  
** SERIAL#: 313 248 317  
** ** BIOS 8.4 REVISION -51  
** ** REBOOT… **

** RUNTIME**

** LOADING OS…  
** ** SYSTEM INITIALIZATION…  
** **CHECKING BIOCOMPONENTS… ** ** OK  
** **INITIALIZING BIOSENSORS… ** ** OK  
** **INITIALIZING AI ENGINE… ** ** OK **

** MEMORY STATUS…  
** **ALL SYSTEMS … ** ** OVERCLOCKING**

 **RECOMMENDED ACTION…  
END FORENSIC TASKS  
END ANALYTIC TASKS  
END RECONSTRUCTIVE TASKS  
** ****

Connor blinked.

Lifted his head. Felt Felt heavy 

What was he doing?

He was He was

Reboot? Why reboot?

His diagnostic was…

was 

indecipherable

Connor couldn’t read anything

And now there

there were texts…

there were texts…

Texts? But they…

 ** _elihw  
_** **_a rof sevihcra ni nwod  
_ ** **_neeb ev’uoy dias knaH_ **

**_?rehtegot  
_** **_kaerb a ekat annaW_ **

… What?

He

He didn’t 

Didn't

understand 

> **_i don’t_ **
> 
> **_understand_**

he didn’t understand he didn’ t underst didn ’

**_?tahW_ **

**_lol eeffoc tnaw I_ **

**_oot emoc ot uoy  
_** **_ksa d’I thguoht tsuJ_ **

**_?yletal  
_ ** **_tol a gnikrow adnik  
_ ** **_er’uoy ekil mees uoY_ **

More words

appearing

Connor _really_ didn’t understand God he didn’t understand he didnt understsnf

> **_i ;m don t_ **

**_?ronnoC_ **

**_?ko uoY_ **

Nothing was making sense.

Connor could feel panic building in his chest. Raw fear scrambling beneath the surface 

Why was nothing making sense? _Why?_ Why was he staring at nothing? He _kept_ staring at nothing

He couldn’t couldn’t focus 

He was just trying to

to work Why couldn’t he do it

Every time he looked at at all of the evidence, his head jus

01101111 01110110 01100101 01110010 01100011 01101100 01101111 01100011 01101011

  
______________________ _  
**PROGЯAM** **CRASH** ** ⚠**

no  
  
oh   
His  
His body  
His body seemed to  
His body seemed to forget  
that it was standing.  
Legs folded gently   
Back slipped down the terminal block   
Arms automatically caught  
caught himself at the bottom

A delicate descent.  
˙ʇuǝɔsǝp ǝʇɐɔᴉlǝp ɐ

Sitting, now  
Just sitting. 01101111 01110110 01100101 01110010 01100011 01101100 01101111 01100011 01101011

Knees up to his chest.  
Simple.  
Quiet.  
Eyes on the ground in front.

The floor. 

The floor was good. It was simple. Plain.  
The floor had information, but not too much information. Just the right amount of information. A good amount of information. The floor was due to be cleaned.  
Connor could list the types of cleaning materials last used three days ago  
The color and model of tile  
Their age  
Detect dust particles   
Hair  
Faint footprints he could pull from the system if he wanted. But he didn’t want. Didn’t Didn’t want that at all

Rubbed his eyes.

His awareness of time seemed to just… leave

He wasn’t sure how long it lasted

m ight have been long

could could just as easily have been short

But

felt longer than short should be

If that made sense

He wasn’t sure if that did make sense

His awareness of

time

seemed to just… leave

leave

Left

Gone

into nothing

. . gone

Frozen . . .

  
Frozen . . .

  
Frozen . . .

______________________________  
**ATTƎMPTING** SOFT REBOØT…

** PROCESSING . . . **

Why was Connor staring at nothing?

He was doing that, wasn’t he. That was something he was doing. Had been doing. for long.. so long. Frozen. Staring at nothing.

Couldn’t seem to stop. How long had he been doing that for?

Watching the plain floor 

Watching. 

He shouldn’t be doing this

But… Why was he…

What was happening?

Why was he so stuck?

Why couldn’t— Why—

Why couldn’t he move??

He couldn’t move— He— oh God, _why couldn’t he move—_

“Ay. Connor, hey.” A voice rushed beside, fiercely startling him. A bite of panic escaped, abruptly aware that he was _very_ vulnerable and _not_ in control right now. What was happening to him? Why was he so lost? What was happening? _He was so lost_

“Connor, you gotta breathe.” They spoke again, more assertive. “Hey, look at me— Connor _look_ at me.”

The android jerked towards the sound, eyes wide and wet, breaths verging on hyperventilation.

“It’s me— Connor, it’s Gavin. It’s alright, you’re safe. You’re safe. Just breathe, okay?”

The words should have meant something. 

They should have given comfort, but everything was just too much right now. It was all too much.

Connor was panicking¿ and he’d forgotten why that was. His head was just so _full_ of diagnostics and ᴡᴀʀɴɪɴɢs and e̵rr̴r̴r̸r̵r̵o̵r̴ messages and so many case notes and _words_ and case notes and _words_ he didn’t know what to do or how to stop _he didn’t know what to do_

Fast breaths took on a whining tone, and Gavin was saying more things but Connor couldn’t hear them. Trying to search for the man again, but finding the

the

the wall

wall filled wit h ev

ev id en ce 

i n ste ad—

ev

iden ce

w al l fi lled wi t h

ev

Breaths stopped 

jerked silently in his chest

Eyes wide

“Ay no, at me. Not that. Look at me, Connor.”

Connor couldn’t look away 

Analysis rising without his say so

Pre-constructions beginning to flood his system  
once more

Pulling him under 

Breathing, faster 

“Okay hang on— Hang on a sec.”

Connor was drowning again uᴉɐƃɐ ƃuᴉuʍoɹp 

Lost in a sea of information 

Lost

lost Words blurring vision flickering

And then it was going.

The evidence

The spiderwebs

The connections

The body

It was all disappearing Sliding away Shelves darkening

Wall covering up

No more information to read and process

Gone.

“Just focus on me, Con. Nothin’ else. Look at me, right here. Right here, Connor. I got you, you just gotta focus up. S’gonna be fine.”

Gavin’s eyes were

gray, 

“You got it,” the man said, “right here. Breathe slower, just like that. M’gonna touch you, alright? That okay?”

Connor nodd

nodded 

Gavin’s hand squeezed his shoulder, comfortingly firm. “You feel that?”

He did He

It was good

The touch was good

Started 

Started to pull Connor back

Always? seemed to do that ?

Always brought him back …

Bringing him back 

Back

Warming him

Grounding him.

Quiet words, soothing.

That was… 

Yes.

That was

_____________________________  
SOFT REBOOT **INITIALIZING…**

He inhaled sharply.

Breaths stuttered in his throat. Blinking fast. 

He…

He was…

“Ga— a v- a a a-v—vi—vin inin?” The android stammered, tensing when he realised what he’d just done. Spoken out loud. 

The hand on his shoulder tightened, and another touched to the side of his neck. Warm skin on skin. 

“Yeah. Yeah, it’s me. Don’t worry, s’just us here. No one else can see.” Gavin softened, “Eyes back on me, Red. Right here.”

Gavin’s eyes were nice. 

He was kneeling in front, sat back on his heels.

Connor was… leaning on an evidence terminal. At work.

He was at work, oh   
no he he shouldn’t be doing this now he was wasting police time and valuable resources and there was still _so_ much work to be done and people to help and so much ev so much evi evid en ce to

so much ev i dence to 

evi den c e

to go over

“Tell me what’s goin’ on up there, Connor. What’s got you bothered? What are you thinkin’?”

Connor squeezed his eyes shut

breathing faster trying to 

trying to explain

“H-H-Hea Hea HeadHead’sHead-s-s s s s toooo toootootootoo-oo mu-h-muh—mu-ch.”

“Alright.” The detective said. “Alright, focus up, Con. On me. You ready to listen?”

Connor managed managed to open his eyes

Looked at 

at Gavin

“Shut down whatever you don’t need right now. Close it all down. All the programs and shit that aren’t important need to go. Can you do that?”

He… yes, he…

He could do that. 

Could shut down his… his non-essential programs. Yes. 

Felt his L.E.D. flicker between red and yellow, trying to focus on that task. Using Gavin’s touch as an anchor to work off of…

shutting the programs down, one by one.

He reached up and found a hand… fingers felt warm, linking together, drawing close. Focused on ending tasks in his AI. Let Gavin’s hushed murmurs of encouragement wash over. Blanketing him with safety and warmth. 

This happened for a few quieter minutes.

“How you doin’, Con?”

Nodded. 

“You shut all the programs down?”

“N—N-NNNearNear̵ ̴N̶e̴a̴r̷N̴̨̈́e̶̟͝a̶͌͜r̶̺͂-l̵̛̞y̷̗͊— —N̶̦͈͌͠-̷͉̭̿N̶̳̅͘͠e̵̘̠̽͛̇̑a̵̱̗͍̓͊ͅr̸͆́̄͘ͅ—̷̪̻̫̋͂̐”

Oh no

Oh no his voice 

No

No

Oh _God_

Oh God oh God oh God Connor sucked in a fast breath, throat constricting around a startled whine

His speech was— Gavin had— Gavin had never heard it sound so _broken_ and mechanical before— _Shit_. Oh _shit,_ he sounded so— He shouldn’t have— Shit, he’d— He’d— oh _God—_ It was too much— _It was **too much** —_

“Hey,” Gavin said firmly, “I don’t mind your voice, Connor. I _really_ don’t mind it. It’s all okay, you just gotta breathe, alright? All you gotta do is focus on my breaths right now ‘n copy them. That’s all you gotta do. Just focus on me. Think you can do that?”

“M-Mm _hm—”_ He managed, unable to stop the hum from pitching up. Why was he still doing this to himself? Stop speaking, just stop it _stop it STOP—_

Connor shoved himself forwards with a cry, burying into Gavin’s arms and clinging on tight. Could feel his chest heaving up and down, body trembling, and Gavin’s…

Gavin’s arms… holding him back. Holding him firm. 

And that was good— that— that was—

was good…

That was good.

Gavin was holding him, and that was safe and warm and good. 

“Ay, yeah. That’s it.” Gavin said, “You’re doin’ it.”

Connor’s body was still shaking, still breathing inconsistently, but it was gradually starting to get slower.

He was doing it.

He _was_.

The breaths were short and somewhat jerky, but he was definitely getting back some control. Unsteadily following the pattern that Gavin was setting out.

“You’re doing so fuckin’ good, Connor.”

Gavin was so warm. 

He was so warm, and so comforting, and Connor could feel his chest vibrating when he talked. Hear his heart beating. Smell his natural scent mixed with cologne. 

It was all bringing him back. All slowing things down in a way that felt manageable. In his control. Breathing slower and smoother, in sync with one another. Focusing on the hand now at the nape of his neck, gentle fingers swirling through the neatly cropped hair there.

An agreeable feeling.

Something comforting and repetitive to concentrate on.

Focused on that for a while…

On how Gavin’s short nails were lightly catching at Connor’s skin now and then.

How his hand was a familiar and soothing weight.

Focusing on this living, organic being, surrounding him with warmth.

“How we doin’, Con?”

Gavin’s voice rumbled through his chest, vibrating against the android’s cheek very pleasantly. Connor was so taken with the sensations, that his response was extremely delayed. Nodded into the embrace finally. Curled in a little tighter.

“Good.” The man murmured. Exhaled, long and quiet. “You… ready to let go yet? Or you wanna just stay here an hour instead?” He joked. It had Connor huffing out a vaguely amused breath, but not moving from his spot just yet.

“Aight. Little longer then.” Gavin agreed, adjusting himself slightly, perhaps to get into a more comfortable position. 

Things went quiet again.

Stayed close.

Connor tried to get his thoughts back on track…

It took a couple of minutes for the shock of what actually happened to start dawning on him. To start registering the events that had just taken place…

He was exhausted. Completely drained. Even his grip was slipping on the other. Couldn’t seem to hold on quite so tightly any more. 

Burned out.

God… how…

How had any of this happened?

Shit…

It was a stupid question really… because Connor already knew how.

He’d not been entering stasis. Not been taking breaks. Working near-constantly.

Not been looking after himself like he should have.

Shit… 

This was… bad.

Connor had done a bad thing, hadn’t he.

Carefully, he eased out of Gavin’s grasp.

Leaned back against the terminal, gaze averting. 

“Okay?” 

Connor said nothing. Looked further away. Could feel his lip twisting down no matter how much he willed it not to.

“Con… don’t.” Gavin said quietly. “Don’t feel bad about this.”

> TOO LATE

He projected bitterly, then used the same hand to irritably scrub away the moisture forming in his eyes. Shit.

The room went quiet again.

Silence was only broken by Gavin exhaling a hushed breath. Connor felt himself mimic the sound. He was still shaken, but… at least the error had passed. It was just the aftermath causing grief now. 

“C’mon… Scooch.” 

Cautiously, a few beats later the android complied, shuffling along just enough for the other to sit comfortably against the terminal base. Shoulder to shoulder. Connor wanted nothing more than to lean into his touch and become surrounded by that familiar warmth once more. He wanted that a lot, but… 

Connor had been bad. 

He let his eyes shut, expelling another fatigued breath. Limbs like lead. 

“Home?”

Shook his head. Could manage to work. Just… not quite yet.

Gavin hummed, leaning against the android a little. Enough that Connor wanted more, but he didn’t take it.

He blinked tiredly. Let his drained, despondent gaze fall upon the empty evidence wall in front… Gavin must have logged out of his session at some point. He supposed there was little point in opening it back up now. There were still bugs in his system that could be triggered should he become overwhelmed again. As unfortunate as it was, Connor knew the rest of today had to be taken at a slower pace. Once he managed stasis, he would be able to face it all with fresh eyes. 

> I SHOULD BE WORKING

He said, dejected. 

“… Not right now, Con.”

Connor swallowed. The back of his head thudded tiredly against the terminal.

He shouldn’t be doing this.

It was the middle of a case, and Connor shouldn’t be doing this.

Shit…

He really… He’d really done a bad thing.

 _Again_.

And it was probably only due to Gavin’s intervention, that he’d not unintentionally hurt himself somehow too… Shit. _Shit._

“Just take a moment, alright?” The man continued. “Work is… It’ll still be there in ten or twenty minutes, okay? Just… take a second.”

Connor let out another breath, sounding more upset than he’d intended. Felt his eyes stinging.

He wasn’t good enough. 

He’d failed _again_ , and he just wasn’t good enough. And he never would be. 

So stupid…

> I’M SORRY

He said, feeling his mouth twist. Didn’t look over to see what the other was thinking.

“For what?” 

> JUST… EVERYTHING

Connor said, throat thickening. 

“Everything.” Gavin repeated. Quiet. 

Nodded. 

Felt his upset growing. Compressing into a tight coil of disappointment and defeat in his chest. Face crumpling. Eyes burning.

He just kept… _doing_ these things.

Kept _hurting_ the people he cared about. All because he couldn’t enter stasis properly. Couldn’t do such a simple task. A basic, easy function that _any_ android could do. But Connor couldn’t.

God… Why did he struggle so much. What was the point if he couldn’t do anything right?

What was the point.

“Y’know you don’t have to apologize for havin’ a hard time, right?” Gavin said.

He did.

 _He_ _did._

“When I freaked out on you the other night… you didn’t let me feel shitty about it, did you.”

> NOT THE SAME

“Maybe not exactly the same, no… But the principle is. I was havin’ a hard time, and you helped me get past it. Didn’t let me dwell on it, ‘cause I didn’t do it on purpose. It was an accident… Just like you didn’t panic on purpose today.”

> IT STILL HAPPENED 

“It did. And I still freaked out on you the other night too.”

> THAT WAS AN
> 
> ACCIDENT.
> 
> YOU WERE UPSET.

“I was having a hard time.” Gavin agreed.

> YES.

“So are you.”

Connor said nothing at that.

Worried his lower lip for several silent seconds. 

“I’m… fucking _thankful_ you’ve been giving me chances, Connor. ‘Cause I know I fuck up a lot… But we all do. You’re not exempt from that, y’know. You don’t have to be perfect… Jesus, _no_ one is perfect. I’m sure as hell not, yet you seem to like me anyway, right?”

> I DO

“So why don’t you give yourself the same chances you give me? Why am I allowed to fuck up, but you aren’t?”

Tears pricked at Connor’s eyes. He swallowed thickly. 

> I DON’T KNOW

“You don’t have to be perfect all the time, Connor. You’re allowed to make mistakes. You’re allowed to have hard days… You’re allowed that.”

… He was?

“You’re… such a nice fucking person, Con. You show me that kindness every damn day. So why don’t you show yourself the same kindness too? Why are you so nice to everyone else, but not to yourself?”

Connor felt his lip wobble. Twisted it down.

> I DON’T DESERVE IT

“Why?”

> BECAUSE I’M 

He sucked in a quick breath, wiping at tears that suddenly spilled down his cheeks.

Took some level breaths.

Felt the coil of upset tighten. 

> I’M BAD

“Why d’you think you’re bad?”

> I JUST DO

“What makes you a bad person?”

> I KEEP
> 
> I KEEP MESSING UP.
> 
> HURTING PEOPLE I
> 
> CARE ABOUT

Tears flowed more freely now. 

> CAN’T DO
> 
> CAN’T DO THE ONE
> 
> JOB I WAS MADE
> 
> TO DO

Scrubbed damp cheeks on his sleeve. 

> KEEP FAILING
> 
> CAN’T SLEEP 
> 
> CAN’T DO ANYTHING
> 
> RIGHT

He stopped himself. Rubbed his eyes for several long moments, blocking out the world. Trying to block out these horrible feelings… but they weren’t going. 

The room fell quiet.

Connor sniffed. Took a shaky breath. Then another.

Lowered his hands, when he felt able.

“Have you ever thought… these things might keep happening because you’re expecting too much of yourself?” Gavin asked.

Connor said nothing.

Felt the question swirl around inside for a few moments.

“You keep sayin’ you’re messing up… That you can’t do your job. But… what if these things are happening because you’re pushing yourself too hard?” He asked. “Beyond your limits? Shit, beyond limits that _anyone_ has? I know I don’t expect myself to figure out every single case that comes my way… or to not fuck up sometimes, like I did the other night…” He felt Gavin shrug. “You know you don’t have to be perfect all the time, Connor. You don’t have to get everything right. Life is… fucking hard enough already. You’ve gotta let yourself have some freedom. ‘Cause if you don’t… what’s the point? … All of you guys got freed last year, Con… What’s the point in getting that freedom, if you don’t even let yourself have it?”

He’d…

Oh.

He… 

…

oh.

Connor had never thought about it like that.

Never even considered the possibility that he could be… holding _himself_ captive. 

But… he was trying to be good…? To not do anything wrong? … He was just trying to be good. 

… and it wasn’t working, was it.

In fact… all of these rules he had created for himself…

All of these do’s and don’t’s, rights and wrongs. All of this _pressure_ that no one else was putting on him, yet he was putting on himself…

Connor was taking away his own freedom, wasn’t he.

_ What’s the point in getting that freedom, if you don’t even let yourself have it?_

Gavin was right…

Connor was just… He was locking himself up. Caging himself in, and not allowing any kind of leniency… He was doing this to _himself_. Afraid he would make a mistake, or hurt someone. Frightened that everyone would see how he was defective, and how he kept failing time after time after time. Worried they would think he was a disappointment. That he was weak. A failure.

He was _so_ sure that being good and perfect would counteract all of these problems, but… that conviction meant he was constantly berating himself the second he couldn’t live up to his expectations. Which… wasn’t right, was it? Now he thought about it more. And it wasn’t _true_ … Because being perfect wouldn’t stop him from having a broken voice, or change the fact that he’d made mistakes. Being perfect… wouldn’t fix him.

Being perfect wouldn’t fix Connor.

And that… That was a difficult realisation to have. 

Hugely difficult.

He found himself scrubbing away silent tears, dwelling on it all for a quiet moment. Leaning against Gavin a little heavier. Drawing comfort from his touch.

Everything was starting to make a little more sense.

Connor was just… _expecting_ himself to be flawless and perfect. But like Gavin said, no one was perfect… He was making his life _so_ much harder by trying to be this thing that was impossible. Expecting himself to do what no one else could, and then wondering why he wasn’t good enough when he couldn’t complete such insurmountable tasks.

God…

How had this happened.

How had he done this? _Become_ like this…

Fuck…

Connor rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands for several seconds. Let out an unsteady breath. 

> I NEED A MINUTE

He managed to project.

“I know.” Gavin said. Soft. “We got time.”

Connor nodded. Swallowed thickly. 

Ever since they… 

Ever since his injury, Connor had just… _berated_ himself. For everything. _Anything_.

For not being fast enough with cases, or not being able to close every single one.

For small things that weren’t even important, but Connor had deemed them as such, because if he couldn’t do them, that made him even more broken than he already was…

There was just… always this looming reminder that there was something _wrong_ with him. Every day, knowing that his voice was broken, and he couldn’t do everything he used to. Connor could no longer interrogate, or negotiate. He couldn’t interview witnesses, or make calls to other precincts or officers. He couldn’t even use the radios to alert dispatch. Without a functioning voice, there were so many things Connor could no longer do. Even ordering a coffee for someone he cared about was hard enough. To get strange looks from people because he was using hand projections instead of a voice. 

Connor had always considered himself somewhat of a perfectionist, even before his injury. But having his voice break like that… Having it be unfixable, and permanent? It was a change he could never have foreseen. And one he clearly hadn’t handled well. 

And how could he have?

Connor didn’t know how to cope with anything. He’d never been taught. He only had a brain full of law enforcement information, he didn’t know the first thing about dealing with something like this. So he’d just carried on as normal. Pushed away the things he didn’t understand, and acted as though nothing had changed. It worked well enough for the job, and Hank seemed to have bought it most of the time.

But things _had_ changed.

And Connor had tried to ignore that fact.

It just… got harder and harder. _Every_ _day_ he kept discovering _more_ things that he _couldn’t_ _do_. Kept finding out that having a broken voice meant people laughed, or said cruel things. Pitied, or ignored you all together. More and more, Connor had begun to realise it wasn’t just his voice that was broken now. He was, too. 

And now he’d gotten himself into such a mess. 

Got it into his head that being perfect was vital. That he _had_ to be, because if he wasn’t, something awful would happen. But when he thought about it now… the only awful things that happened, had come from Connor himself…

He was the one punishing himself.

 _Hating_ himself the second anything simple wasn’t completed, because he _should_ be able to do that, and he was _stupid_ if he couldn’t. 

Denying himself nice things because he didn’t think he deserved them.

Denying himself _basic_ functions, like stasis, or just resting in general, because he thought he wasn’t doing enough to earn them.

Connor never used to pressure himself like he did now. Yes, in the past he did to an extent, as was his nature: but never in this way. Never to the point where it triggered an error or panic attack, because he was working too much and too hard. Expecting impossible things like this.

He just…

… Why?

Why was he doing this? 

Why was he being so cruel to himself… Had he not already been hurt enough? 

Things were hard enough already, and he was just making it _so_ much harder. 

Shit…

He’d just… locked himself up, hadn’t he.

Controlled himself with strict rules that he _had_ to abide by, and if he didn’t, there would be consequences. It was essentially CyberLife all over agai—

Connor stopped. 

Heart clenched.

It…

He…

…

It was… CyberLife. All over again.

Connor had…

He’d become his own worst enemy… and never even realised.

It took him several long seconds to take that in.

To process. 

To even… _fathom_ that this was something he’d done to himself.

How could he do that, and not even know?

How could he do that…?

It seemed impossible. Yet… undeniable, the more he thought about it.

His voice had been broken, and Connor had punished himself for it. This thing that wasn’t even his fault.

It wasn’t even _his_ _fault_.

He didn’t deserve to be punished for something he never wanted? _Why_ was he punishing himself, when he was already suffering enough from what had happened? Chastising and disciplining so cruelly, for something that _wasn’t his fault_.

Connor hadn’t done anything wrong by having his voice damaged. He wasn’t the one that did it. 

And he… 

He didn’t want to hurt any more because of it.

It was just too much.

Too hard. 

Forcing himself to be a certain way all the time… To follow rules and not let himself have anything… it was _exhausting_. Connor had never known what it was to be tired until these past few months. He’d never experienced any sort of fatigue. Androids weren’t supposed to.

But Connor was tired. 

He was so tired…

And he was the culprit of it all.

He was doing this to himself.

No one else was making him act in these ways. No one was telling him to restrict himself, or pressure himself, or to follow certain rules. He was doing that all on his own. 

Connor was free now, yet… he hadn’t allowed himself to be free. 

He just kept assuming that he should be able to do anything. Expecting _far_ too much of himself, to impossible levels. And it wasn’t helpful… Because no one could do everything. Rationally, he knew that… he really did…

It was just… getting himself to believe it. 

No one was perfect. 

_No_ one was. 

And Connor needed to start realising that this also applied to him.

Connor was not exempt. 

He was always so lenient with everyone else… so accepting of their issues or problems… Did he not deserve a little of that forgiveness too? Didn’t Connor deserve to have a bit of kindness from himself, now and then?

Gavin had said he did. 

Connor felt fairly certain that Hank would reiterate those sentiments. Tina too.

All of his friends would tell him that.

… So maybe he needed to start trying to give himself some kindness.

And perhaps that began, with allowing himself to not be perfect all the time. To remind himself that sometimes, people made mistakes. That he was _going_ to make mistakes, but that was only natural.

He was allowed to make mistakes.

Connor was allowed to not be perfect. Just as everyone else was.

If Connor could be so lenient with other people… maybe he could try to be a little more lenient with himself. 

Maybe Connor could try to be kind, too.

> SORRY. I JUST…

He trailed off, realising he’d not said anything for a few silent minutes. That they were sat here on the floor of an evidence room together, completely paused, while the world above continued to rush on. 

“Nah.” Gavin said, nudging him lightly. “Sometimes you gotta take a sec to figure shit out.”

Connor nodded, scrubbing the remnants of tears away. Taking a careful breath. 

“You make any sense of things?”

Nodded.

“Good or bad?”

Shrugged. Showed a hand.

> BOTH, IN A WAY.

“Mm, that’s good.” The man replied. “Means you made progress.”

Connor glanced across at him. They were quite close.

> IT DOES?

“Yeah.” Gavin said, lip curling when their eyes met, “Any kind’ve realisation is good. Means you can figure out what you want to change… focus on where you wanna head next.”

> I MADE PROGRESS?

“Yup.”

Connor felt a flicker of warmth in his chest, eyes stinging for a different reason now. A good one.

Though his realisations hadn’t exactly been about good things, at least he knew more now. At least he was starting understand himself to a better degree. To realise that what he was doing to himself was more than unkind… expecting too much, to an impossible level. Not allowing himself any freedom. And now he knew that he didn’t want to do these things any more.

It _was_ progress.

He was recognizing that there were aspects of his life he wanted to change, and now he knew some of the things he could start to work on. He actually had something to work towards. No doubt more things would arise as time went on, but it was just… good. Helpful. To know that there was something he could focus on right now, instead of flailing about in the dark like he had been for so long. Having a goal in mind gave him more purpose.

One thing Connor knew for certain… he couldn’t keep this up alone. He had to let other people in, if he wanted to improve and unlearn the unhealthy habits he had formed. The isolating, and not communicating. Punishing himself in these ways… 

It was going to be hard. Incredibly so. But… he really _did_ want to improve. He knew that now. He didn’t want to feel this way any more.

Maybe he wouldn’t always believe that… In fact, he was certain he wouldn’t. On bad days he would find it very difficult to be kind to himself. But at least he knew there were friends he could try and open up to, whenever he was struggling.

Because Connor _did_ have people that cared about him.

Despite everything.

And there must be a reason for that. Because if they felt negatively about Connor, to the level he often felt about himself, they never would have stayed. They would’ve run and never looked back. But they were still here. Everyone was still here. Which meant… It had to mean something. Hank and Gavin and Tina all still cared about him, even after he had done so many bad things.

They still cared, despite his imperfections.

Gavin still cared… He was still here, now. Leaning against the android, shoulder to shoulder. Waiting patiently. 

Connor was… _truly_ thankful that the detective had allowed him some time to quietly ruminate. He’d needed this… A lot more than he’d realised or known. And he was grateful that Gavin had pointed out what Connor was doing, in such a logical and level-headed manner. Not so gently that the android became defensive, yet not so blatant that it was disrespectful. Gavin always seemed to do things just right… Being with him felt right.

Like Tina, the man had given Connor some more pieces to put together. Helped him to finally realise that… he _was_ being cruel to himself. More than he deserved. Perhaps more than anyone deserved. 

Perhaps Connor deserved some kindness, too. 

> IT’S SO HARD…

He said, fiddling with his shirt sleeve for a few quiet seconds. Thumbing one of the buttons back into place.

“Yeah.” Gavin agreed. 

> I WORRY THAT…
> 
> I WON’T BE ABLE
> 
> TO DO THIS.

“Do what?”

> IMPROVE. THAT I’LL
> 
> KEEP FALLING BACK
> 
> INTO MY OLD WAYS.

“You’ll fall into bad habits again, Con. It happens. But… I guess the whole point about getting help, is you learn how to pick up on when you’re slipping. And once you start noticing it, you can work on it.” 

> I HAVE A THERAPY
> 
> APPOINTMENT TONIGHT.

“I know.” He said. “So… all this… Definitely something you can bring up, if you want. You… I don’t know. You sound like you’ve figured some stuff out… So it’s just taking that, and showing her what you learned. Hopefully she’ll help you figure out where to go next with it all.”

Connor nodded. 

It had been a week since his first appointment, and he still had so much he needed to explain and talk about. But it seemed fitting that he could disclose these new findings with her later on. Perhaps delve deeper into them, and figure out other meanings not yet uncovered.

These realisations today… They weren’t everything, and it wasn’t all fixed.

But it was progress. 

> I HOPE I’VE NOT
> 
> UPSET YOU TODAY.

Connor said. 

“Nah… Just hope you’re not beatin’ yourself up too much.” 

> I WAS. BUT… NOT
> 
> SO MUCH NOW.

“That’s good.” The detective said, nudging him. It had Connor meeting his gaze, finding a soft smile there. 

Gavin was still smiling.

Even after everything Connor had done… Gavin still liked him.

Gavin was so kind. So accepting of Connor, and all of his flaws. And Connor felt the same way about him too. In fact he felt so strongly, it was taking quite a lot to not throw his arms around the other and hold on tight.

The man snorted.

“Fuck’s that face for, dipshit?”

Connor felt a breath escape. Felt his lip curl. 

> NOTHING.

“That’s not a nothin’ face.” 

> IT’S A _‘I’M VERY_
> 
> _GLAD TO HAVE YOU_
> 
> _IN MY_ _LIFE’_ FACE,
> 
> IF YOU MUST KNOW.

The man huffed at that, rolling his eyes.

> I MEAN IT, GAVIN. 
> 
> YOU… YOU’VE REALLY
> 
> HELPED ME IN THESE
> 
> LAST FEW MONTHS. 
> 
> YOU NEVER HAD TO.

He shrugged. “… Wanted to.” 

> I KNOW. I’M THANKFUL
> 
> YOU GAVE ME A CHANCE.

“You gave me one too.” 

Connor searched his face a moment. Took in the faint bruising, and dark circles. The flecks of summer freckles, and silvery gray eyes. Felt his heart swell with affection.

 _Thank you,_ he mouthed.

Gavin’s eyes flickered down to the android’s lips. Stayed there for a few seconds.

Connor’s might have mirrored.

Might have lingered. 

Searched. 

He blinked. A message was arriving into his servers, eyes automatically drifting to the side to read.

 ** _Got a lead from the_**  
 ** _androids buddy. Did u_**  
 ** _get everything you  
need from down there?_**

Ah, Yes. Work… 

Connor hadn’t forgotten. He’d just… needed this break. He’d needed to take his mind off the case for a short while. Though this hadn’t exactly been how he’d expected things to go. 

> _**I will be upstairs shortly.** _

He replied.

“That Hank?” Gavin asked. 

How did he know?

“You make a face when you’re texting.” He answered without prompt.

The android cocked his head.

Gavin shrugged. “Not a bad one. Just noticed it a couple times.”

> IS IT THAT OBVIOUS?

“Nah. Probably only to me. You had a yellow blinky thing goin’ on too, so I put two and two together.”

Connor felt his lip curl.

> ARE YOU BY
> 
> CHANCE, A
> 
> DETECTIVE?

The man huffed. “Sometimes I can do my job, okay?”

> YOU’RE VERY GOOD
> 
> AT YOUR JOB.

“How would you know? We barely work together.”

> PERHAPS WE CAN
> 
> CHANGE THAT
> 
> IN THE FUTURE.

“Oof, don’t know about that.” The man chuckled.

> WHY NOT?

“There’d be no point in me bein’ there.” He said, “Your android shit gets stuff done way quicker than anythin’ I could do.”

> THAT’S NOT ENTIRELY
> 
> TRUE… NOT WITH THE
> 
> WAY THAT I AM NOW.

“… Oh.” 

> YOUR ASSISTANCE
> 
> WOULD BE GREATLY 
> 
> APPRECIATED IF WE
> 
> WERE TO EVER WORK
> 
> ON A CASE TOGETHER.

“Mm… Guess so.” The detective muttered, not sounding all that convinced.

> YOU GIVE YOURSELF
> 
> LITTLE CREDIT, GAVIN.
> 
> YOU’RE ONE OF THE
> 
> SMARTEST PEOPLE I KNOW.

The man snorted at that, “Mustn’t know many fuckin’ people.”

> I VALUE YOUR INTELLIGENCE.
> 
> IT MAKES YOU A VERY
> 
> ADAPTABLE AND ACCEPTING
> 
> PERSON. IT’S ONE OF THE
> 
> MANY THINGS I GREATLY
> 
> ADMIRE ABOUT YOU.

Gavin seemed to find it difficult to receive the compliment. His throat bobbed up and down, and he averted his gaze briefly, as though the words were physically hard to swallow. Pushed on a smirk instead. “That you _greatly_ _admire_.” He mocked.

> YES. THAT I GREATLY ADMIRE. 

Connor said again, wanting the man to know that he was serious. Clearly Gavin didn’t expect the response, because he found it just as difficult to read. Huffed out a laugh and rubbed the back of his neck. 

“Alright, knock it off with your sentimental shit.” 

> I THINK I MIGHT JUST BE A
> 
> SENTIMENTAL PERSON…

The android realised. With Gavin, at least.

“Just my fuckin’ luck.” The detective replied, but it was humored. In fact, he seems almost pleased by the words. 

> I’LL TONE IT DOWN.

“Nah.” 

Connor met his gaze, brow creasing. Then smirked, suddenly. Realising something.

> GAVIN, DO YOU… _LIKE_
> 
> WHEN I’M SENTIMENTAL?

The man fumbled. “Ay— you— No. Shut up. No.”

Connor laughed. 

He just… _laughed_. Probably far more than the moment required, but it happened anyway. He was exhausted, and his pent up emotions were coming out in a good way for once. So he let it happen. Gavin didn’t seem too opposed anyway. The man was chuckling quietly alongside.

“You’re such a dick.” 

> TAKES ONE TO KNOW
> 
> ONE, I SUPPOSE.

“Ay— The fuck?” The detective barked a proper laugh then, elbowing Connor’s side, “Why you gotta do me like that? What’d I do to you?”

> NOTHING. YOU JUST
> 
> HAVE ONE OF
> 
> THOSE FACES.

“Oh yeah? And what kind is that?”

Connor’s lip quirked higher, searching the other’s eyes… Losing track of whatever joke he was meaning to say next.

> A NICE ONE.

He said.

Gavin scoffed. Cheeks pinked. “And that makes me a target, huh.”

The android nodded, unable to look away. Searching. Eyes lingering on Gavin’s mouth. 

“The fuck kinda logic is that?” 

> ANDROID LOGIC.

“Seems pretty fucked up to me.”

> YOU WOULD KNOW.

Gavin elbowed him again. “Dick.”

Connor smiled.

How did Gavin never fail to bring this side of him out?

Even after all of Connor’s emotional turmoil and upset, Gavin just… made it all better. He made everything feel right again… How did he do that? Everything just felt so correct when they were with one another.

Connor had never felt like this about someone before. So close, and familiar. It wasn’t the same as his relationship to Hank. He and Hank were close, but this was so different… Not comparable in any way. Gavin seemed to just truly understand Connor. In a way he’d never experienced with anyone, ever. 

The detective snorted, shaking his head. “Swear you got an answer for everything in that big fuckin’ brain of yours.”

> NOT EVERYTHING. 

“Prob’ly a good thing.” He grinned. “Don’t want you bein’ a smart-ass.” 

> HANK WOULD TELL YOU
> 
> THAT I ALREADY AM ONE.

“True.”

They both hummed a quiet laugh. Shared a glance. 

Gavin checked his watch. And yes, Connor was aware of the time. He’d been down here with the man for almost thirty minutes now. God knows how long he’d been frozen before that. He would need to enter stasis to find out information that detailed. But there would be opportunity later to ruminate over this. For now, it was time to conclude their rest.

> THANK YOU. YOU’VE
> 
> HELPED ME TO REALISE
> 
> SOME THINGS ABOUT
> 
> MYSELF, AND I FEEL
> 
> MUCH BETTER FOR IT.

“Yeah, well… Be fuckin’ greedy to keep all this ‘intelligence’ to myself.” Gavin quipped dryly, making mock air quotes with his hands.

Connor smiled. Felt strangely warm inside. Admittedly his fatigue lingered, as did some anxiety, but this good feeling was here too, pushing down some of the worst of it.

> THANK YOU, GAVIN. TRULY.
> 
> YOU HAVEN’T PRIED FOR 
> 
> ANSWERS, AND I REALLY
> 
> DO APPRECIATE THAT.

They shared another glance.

“Any time.” The man said quietly, eyes on one another. A few beats later, he offered his hand. Connor accepted without a second thought. “Don’t have to tell me at all, if y’don’t want. Or if you do… it’s whenever you’re ready.”

Connor nodded, fondness surging higher. Hoping that his heartfelt gratitude translated in the firm squeeze he gave the other’s fingers.

He moved his other hand closer, projecting a joking response,

> I HAD NEVER IMAGINED
> 
> YOU TO BE SO WISE.

Gavin hummed a note. “You callin’ me old or somethin’?”

Connor let out an amused breath, about to make another jest in response when he suddenly realised the detective actually looked quite serious. Annoyed, even. Eyes widened. What? No? Connor hadn’t intended for that at _all,_ he was only meaning—

Oh.

Gavin was… laughing. 

“Your face, holy _shit—”_ The man cackled loudly, “Wish I got that on camera, my fucking _God.”_

Cheeks heated.

Expression puzzled.

Clearly there was… some kind of humor here that Connor wasn’t aware of. Gavin did like to tease him in odd ways. ~~~~ ~~~~

> YOU WERE JOKING.

He tried to confirm.

“Yeah.” The man chuckled, “Yeah. Was just messin’ with you, Con.”

Connor hummed a quiet laugh. Looked down at his lap and their hands intertwined, wondering how he had been so lucky to find someone like this. A person who’s mere presence had such a calming and peaceful influence on him. And an influence of laughter, too. Connor had never laughed with someone the way he laughed with Gavin. 

“C’mon.” The man said.

They both seemed to know what the word meant. Hands releasing, gently pushing to their feet and using the terminal as an aid to their ascent. (During which Gavin stretched his back and expressed an unnecessarily dramatic groan, and Connor _overtly_ rolled his eyes). 

It took a few seconds to get used to standing again. For his systems to power up after their exertion before. Connor felt, well… exhausted. Drained beyond belief. But he felt better. Warmed by his close connection with the other. And eased, by finding out more things about himself, as much as they weren’t exactly good things to discover. But like Gavin had said, now he had identified them, he could start working on how to progress. Connor could start trying to be kinder to himself. Letting people help him. Not isolating himself away, or expecting so much. He had a lot of new things he needed to try and practice, but with Gavin’s help? And Hank’s, and Tina’s? He hoped he might be able to get there. 

“‘bout fuckin’ time you made me that coffee, anyway.” Gavin demanded, lip curling. He was leaning against the terminal, arms folded.

> WHAT COFFEE?

“The one I texted about before.”

Oh.

> WAS THAT YOU
> 
> EARLIER? I COULDN’T
> 
> QUITE UNDERSTAND.

“Ah… yeah. Was me.” Gavin said, belatedly realising his oversight. “Sorry.”

> NOTHING TO
> 
> APOLOGIZE FOR. I’M
> 
> THE ONE THAT SHOULD.

Arms unfolded. “Panicking isn’t something you ever need to say sorry for, Con.”

The android nodded, biting his lip for a moment. Remembering just how much he had lost control earlier. How distant and vulnerable he’d become…

Gavin held out his hand.

Connor regarded it only a second before he stepped closer and took it. 

“Things just… get too much?”

Nodded. Looked at the ground, lip twisting slightly. 

“It happens.”

> THANK YOU FOR
> 
> FINDING ME.

The android said, not wanting to dwell on it right now. He could do that later, with Summer. 

“Any time.” Gavin replied, tone low and subdued. Connor nodded.

The room fell silent. 

Hushed.

The quiet of the archives floor could become all too deafening, sometimes. 

“Y’know I mean that, right?” Gavin said. Connor met his gaze. “Any time you need me… I’ll be there.” 

The android felt his throat thicken unexpectedly. 

> YOU WILL?

“Yeah.” He said. “That’s what… friends are for.”

Oh.

He… oh.

> ARE WE?

Connor asked.

“Are we what?”

> FRIENDS.

Gavin scoffed. “What kinda question is that?”

Connor… didn’t know.

He just… 

Didn’t _feel_ like this was friendship.

He would never do these kinds of things with Hank, or Tina. He would never hold hands, or joke like they did, or share a bed. It just wasn’t the same kind of connection. Connor only wanted to do these things with Gavin, and Gavin alone.

And after everything they’d been through… all of the feelings they’d shared, and their countless moments of closeness. Today especially. The way Gavin always picked up the pieces on Connor’s worst days, time and time again with no questions asked. With no reasoning behind it other than simply… caring about him. Wanting to be closer to him. Connor wanted to do all of this and more in return for the man. To be there for Gavin, like Gavin was there for Connor. 

This just…

It didn’t feel like friendship. Not any kind Connor had experienced before. 

He didn’t know… 

Connor looked at their hands, held like this. Laced together. Warm, and safe.

Was he being foolish right now?

Seeing things that weren’t there? Overanalyzing again, and pulling conclusions where there were none?

He needed to know.

He needed to understand this. 

So he asked.

> ARE WE MORE
> 
> THAN FRIENDS?

The question seemed to stop the other in his tracks. Gavin did nothing for a moment, just reading the words over and over. 

Cleared his throat. Took half a step back, releasing Connor’s hand.

“I, uh… wasn’t sure if…” He trailed off, seeming to change his approach half way through. “Would you… want that?”

> I WOULD IF IT
> 
> WAS WITH YOU.

The man didn’t respond right away. Which made Connor realise that he may have made a big miscalculation.

Maybe Gavin didn’t want that. 

Maybe Connor had been entirely mistaken.

> IF YOU WISH TO
> 
> REMAIN FRIENDS 
> 
> THAT IS OKAY.

“No—” Gavin rushed, then backtracked, “Uh, no… I… I want more, too.”

The back of his neck had turned a very pleasant shade of red. Connor wondered if his own had done the same. He certainly felt very warm in this moment.

> I ADMIT… I AM NOT
> 
> EQUIPPED IN A WAY 
> 
> YOU MIGHT REQUIRE…

He said, looking away. Feeling that warmth spread into what humans might label as discomfort.

“It’s not important to me.”

Connor frowned. Looked up.

> IT’S NOT?

“No.” Gavin said.

He sounded so certain, that Connor wondered if the man had thought about this already. Considered the possibility that Connor might not be able to give him everything a traditional relationship might. 

Perhaps Gavin had already considered this idea.

Being with Connor.

> ARE YOU SURE? 

He asked, still hesitant. Uncertain. 

“You’re important.” The detective shrugged. “The other stuff… Really not an issue. Not for me.”

It was quiet for a few moments. 

Then several more.

Gavin cleared his throat.

“Everything’s just… Everything’s better, with you. It’s all better. The rest… doesn’t really matter to me.”

> … ARE YOU SURE?

“Yeah.” He said. Rubbed the back of his neck briefly. “I don’t need you to have all the bells and whistles, Con. I just… need you. As you are. ‘Cause that’s enough.”

It seemed to take a minute for those words to sink in.

They didn’t compute right away.

He may have stared at Gavin for a touch too long. Done nothing, but quizzically watch the other. 

Then he felt his mouth split into a soft smile.

Because… Gavin truly liked him. For who he was.

Gavin _liked_ Connor, even though his voice was broken, and he had so many difficulties right now.

Even though he’d had to deal with that episode before, and several others like it in the past. Plus the midnight texting, and late night walks. Listening to Connor’s defective voice time after time and _still_ telling him that he liked hearing it, or that he didn’t mind the way it sounded… Even when it malfunctioned completely like it had done earlier…

Even after all of that… Gavin still liked Connor.

Still wanted to _be_ with him.

It felt impossible that someone could feel this way about him. Entirely inconceivable, and a few weeks ago the android would have vehemently denied the notion. He would never have allowed himself to even consider the idea. Yet… here Gavin was, stood before him. Kind, patient, rude and sarcastic Gavin, searching the android’s eyes for some kind of response.

And Connor… allowed it.

Because… he was _allowed_ this, wasn’t he.

Connor… deserved to have nice things sometimes.

He…

He was allowed to be with Gavin, if Gavin wanted that too.

And Gavin did want that.

The man just… completely accepted Connor for who he was right now. Regardless of anything else.

Voice and all.

And that…

That was all Connor could ever want. 

He just wanted to be enough. _All_ Connor wanted was to be enough. And Gavin was telling him that he was. 

> YOU ARE ENOUGH TO
> 
> ME TOO. I WOULDN’T
> 
> WISH YOU TO BE
> 
> ANY OTHER WAY.

He projected, hoping that the sincerity of his gaze said more than silent words ever could.

The man exhaled quietly, lip curling. Looking away. 

> I CARE ABOUT YOU 
> 
> IN A WAY THAT I’VE 
> 
> NEVER FELT BEFORE.

Connor said. Gavin laughed a single, overwhelmed note, “Alright, Con.” He answered, barely able to meet the android’s eye, “You’re surpassing the daily quota for saying nice shit to me.”

The android frowned.

He’d never heard of such a thing. 

> THERE’S A QUOTA?

Gavin opened his mouth a moment, then seemed to rethink his response. 

“For now.” He said, softer.

> WHAT ABOUT IN
> 
> THE FUTURE?

“… You’ll probably get more, then.” 

Connor smiled.

Gavin smiled back. Cleared his throat, “‘til that happens, I think you’ve got some coffee to be makin’.” He said, pushing on a smirk.

Eyebrows rose high. 

> I THINK YOU WILL BE
> 
> MAKING THAT YOURSELF.

“Uh, no. You do it.”

It was suddenly a very hard battle for Connor to keep his lip straight. Emotions high, in a multitude of ways.

He cared so much about Gavin. _So_ much.

> WHY ME? YOU HAVE
> 
> A BRAIN, DO YOU NOT?

“You’re making it.”

> AND WHY IS THAT?

“‘Cause you make it better, alright?” 

Connor cocked his head.

Gavin scoffed, “Well I don’t fuckin’ know why, do I? Something you do makes it taste better than when I make it. So you gotta make it.”

The android had to suppress a laugh.

> GAVIN… YOU PRESS A
> 
> BUTTON AND THE
> 
> COFFEE DISPENSES.
> 
> I CAN’T PRESS A BUTTON
> 
> DIFFERENTLY TO YOU.

“Shut up. It’s just different, alright? Trust me.”

Connor watched him for a moment.

Smiled wide.

> I TRUST YOU.

Gavin huffed, snatching the android’s hand and tugging him towards the exit. “So? Let’s get a fuckin’ move on.” ****

*****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Epilogue coming very soon.
> 
> 'Still Your Mind' by Tedeschi Trucks Band.


	18. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. Here we are, finally at the end.
> 
> This whole thing started off as an idea for a short story. It was never supposed to mean this much to me, nor was it intentionally written as a way for me to work through some of my own feelings. When I'd finished the initial draft I expected it to be maybe 30k words at the most, but it was already over 50. Since then so much has changed and deviated from the original course, and a lot more has been added, but the very end has always remained the same. Admittedly this has been a _slightly_ longer journey than I would have liked(!), but we got here eventually and I suppose that's what matters :)
> 
> Honestly, will I write more of this series? Who knows. I won't confirm anything, but I'm not saying there's no chance either. All I know is that I won't be pushing myself to produce anything quickly: I understand my capabilities a lot better than I did at the start of all this!! Please feel welcome to drop any oneshot prompts in the comments though, and I'll see if I am in a place to make something of them. I also lowkey have [twitter](https://twitter.com/embaggins), so feel free to say hi/send prompts there too! I'd love to make some friends in the DBH fandom 🌟
> 
> Thank you so much for sticking with me through all of this. It's been a somewhat personal journey for me in a multitude of different ways, and sharing it with you all has been very uplifting and gratifying. 
> 
> Enjoy.  
> 
> 
> _(Have made a playlist on YouTube of all the title music for this fic, which you can check out[here](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLFUjBhwscBKGQ_9unn9Y0fSqcfovgoABV) if you like). _

* * *

The case was eventually solved.

It took several gruelling days, and admittedly some longer nights. But it was the first time in a long time that Connor started trying to give himself breaks. Just small ones, to start. Five minutes here and there, when he could allow himself. Gavin often urged him into those breaks, or Tina, or Hank, but he took them. Which was a testament to his own health, because a few weeks prior he wouldn’t have even considered the prospect.

Admittedly he’d only entered stasis for only a total of four hours in that period of time. But it was still something. It was still progress. Small steps. (Or so he tried to tell himself. Learning to say that and actually agree with it was… going to take a while. But he was trying. He really was.)

Connor’s second therapy session last week had gone well enough. Originally he’d planned on talking about the strain in his and Hank’s relationship, but after his error and subsequent panic at work, that had taken a fair amount of priority. He and Summer came to a conclusion that Connor was overworking himself, and setting his expectations too high. Which he had, well… figured out the hard way.

In an effort to reduce his tendencies to overwork, Summer had suggested he could try and come up with some non-work related activities to do when he wasn’t ‘on the clock’. Things he could do even if he remained at the precinct, as he sometimes did after hours. Or if he was at home and wasn’t going to enter stasis, these activities could be something to try instead of working, if he wanted to.

Summer had never pushed him. Never told him he should or shouldn’t be doing something. It had only been two sessions so far, but already speaking to her felt like he was being heard. And there was none of the added pressure of worrying about his health dragging down hers, because this was her job; she even told him that she spoke to her supervisor about things too. So she was essentially getting therapy herself, for the therapy she was giving. It seemed like a nice, full circle. And not the vicious kind, for once. The kind where everyone helped everyone, and no one unintentionally hurt each other.

It was good.

They had briefly touched on Connor’s speaking, or lack thereof.

He still didn’t feel comfortable talking out loud. But… It was beginning to feel just a little easier around certain people. Not enough by any means to make it a regular thing, but enough that he didn’t feel quite so awful as he had done previously, if any words ever slipped out.

Connor didn’t know if he would ever regularly talk again. He wasn’t sure. But at least now, the idea didn’t seem so implausible as it had done in recent months.

He knew he had a long way to go in his recovery. But… it felt like it might be possible? There had certainly been moments where it’d felt entirely _im_ possible. But things were different now. Things had started to change… for the better, he hoped. He had people that cared about him, and though at times that still felt questionable, lately it had become a little easier to accept. He’d begun to be a little more lenient with himself. Allowing the realisation that perhaps people _did_ care about him more than he knew. That his own self worth didn’t determine how others should feel about him: he didn’t get to decide how others felt, because that wasn’t his choice to make. People could still like him, even if he didn’t always feel like he deserved it.

It was… a lot to process. So many new things to learn and remember, it was going to be difficult to keep it all present in his mind. He hoped that eventually things would become clearer… He hoped therapy would help him to understand more. And perhaps that it might even aid him in starting to accept himself for who he was. Because… maybe his friends were right. Perhaps Connor was good enough already, and he just didn’t realise it yet. 

He wasn’t perfect, but… maybe he didn’t always have to be.

“Well, fuck. I think we finished it, kid.” Hank said, shooting a grin across the desk.

Connor looked to his own terminal, scanning briefly. Things did seem to be in order, at least on their part of the investigation. There wasn’t much more they could do. The trial would be held in a few months time, and the culprit (the human family’s 20-year-old son) would likely be imprisoned without bail until then.

The case was complete for now.

Nodding, the android glanced over, feeling his lip tug up at the expression on Hank’s face.

“Is that a yes?” The man asked, looking oddly excited.

“Mhm.” Connor hummed, smiling a little wider. It wasn’t often the lieutenant looked so pleased. Though he supposed there hadn’t been a great deal to be pleased about lately.

Immediately, Hank slapped both hands against his thighs and grinned. Then suggested they go out and celebrate. (Ah. Now the excitement made sense).

Connor wondered why he didn’t feel excited about that prospect, too.

In fact… he felt more apprehensive of it than anything.

Closed-case drinks weren’t unfamiliar. He and Hank had celebrated after cases in the past. This wasn’t something new or different… but this time it _felt_ different. Felt harder, because Connor was different. Socializing in groups outside of work was much more difficult for him now than it used to be. He wasn’t the same person he was before his injury. Though that was not to say it would always be like this: certain parts of him would likely resurface, given time. But for right now, this was how things were… It was something Hank needed to start accepting, and a fact that Connor needed to learn to accept about himself too. He knew accepting it would take time. Probably a lot of time, for both of them.

For now, he decided that honesty would be the best policy. Talking to Hank was… something Connor really needed to work on. But he understood that it wasn’t going to come quickly. There would be mistakes along the way from both of them. This wasn't going to be a linear process, but he really _was_ working on things… It was just going to take some time. And he knew Hank would be patient, because he cared. He _did_ care about Connor. That was a fact that the android couldn’t change (and didn’t want to). 

Opening up was hard, even on Connor’s best days. But he’d decided he should try to be honest whenever he felt safe enough to do so. Right now, he felt safe.

> HANK. I’M THANKFUL
> 
> YOU'VE INVITED ME,
> 
> HOWEVER I’M NOT
> 
> SURE I WILL BE THE
> 
> BEST COMPANY.

The man frowned, clearly confused at the response. “Huh? Why not?”

> I HAVE BEEN STRUGGLING WITH
> 
> SOME ISSUES THAT ALIGN WITH
> 
> SOCIAL ANXIETY, THOUGH THIS
> 
> IS NOT OFFICIALLY DIAGNOSED.
> 
> I DON’T KNOW IF I AM AT THE
> 
> STAGE WHERE I CAN JOIN YOU 
> 
> AT A BUSY PLACE LIKE THAT ON 
> 
> A NON-WORK RELATED
> 
> OCCASION.

Hank’s expression slowly sobered as he read through the words, lip twisting a little before their eyes met.

“… Didn’t realise, kid.”

Connor nodded, and a quiet moment passed. He pushed on a small smile.

> PLEASE DON’T LET ME
> 
> STOP YOU FROM ENJOYING
> 
> YOURSELF. DT. COLLINS
> 
> AND OFFICER MILLER WILL
> 
> STILL BE ATTENDING.

“I know…” The man said, looking a little put out. “Just wouldn’t be the same without you.” 

Connor met Hank’s sympathetic expression with a reassuring one.

> I APPRECIATE YOUR
> 
> WISH TO HAVE ME
> 
> ATTEND. PERHAPS IN
> 
> THE FUTURE, THINGS
> 
> WILL BE BETTER.

Hank nodded confidently, “They will be, kid. You’re doin’ real well.”

The words warmed him.

This was what they’d been missing.

Talking things out. Communicating with no judgement.

This was what family should be.

> THANK YOU, HANK.
> 
> SO ARE YOU.

The lieutenant quirked a grin. “We’ll get there won’t we.”

Connor smiled, eyes soft.

> WE WILL.

He lived for moments like this. Conversations so simple and kind. Things that showed him everything was going to be alright, in the end.

He and Hank may have struggled in the past… They may still struggle now, but it wasn't going to be forever. They would get past this. Hank was family, after all. He had been the first to treat Connor like a person, and the first to show him kindness. The first to make him feel _alive_.

Hank was Connor’s family, and the android wouldn’t trade that for the world.

“Alright. Well let me know if you change your mind. You’re always gonna be invited, kid.”

> I APPRECIATE THAT
> 
> A LOT, HANK.

The man shrugged his response, like it wasn’t a big deal. And for once, it didn’t feel forced. His unbothered reaction felt natural. No eggshells in sight. Connor appreciated it so much. He appreciated Hank _so_ much.

“You want the car?”

> IF YOU’D LIKE. AND I COULD
> 
> PICK YOU UP LATER? THAT
> 
> WAY YOU CAN HAVE A
> 
> DRINK, AND I CAN ENSURE
> 
> YOUR SAFE ARRIVAL HOME.

The lieutenant hummed his satisfaction at the plan, though after a few moments, the expression morphed into one of uncertainty.

“Y’know… I really don’t have to go to this. It’s not that big a deal. We can just hang out at home if you want. Don’t wanna leave you if you want company.”

> I’D LIKE IT IF YOU
> 
> WENT. YOU DESERVE
> 
> TO HAVE SOME FUN.

“So do you.”

> MY IDEA OF FUN
> 
> OFTEN DIFFERS
> 
> FROM YOURS.

He said with a wry grin.

Hank gave a small smile in return. “Got a point.” He said. “Still… You sure?”

> I AM. TRULY, HANK.
> 
> GO AND ENJOY YOURSELF.

“What are you gonna do instead?”

> I HAD CONSIDERED
> 
> TRYING A NEW HOBBY.

“Really? Like what?”

> I’M UNSURE AS OF THIS
> 
> MOMENT, HOWEVER I’VE
> 
> BEGUN COMPILING A LIST
> 
> OF IDEAS I’D LIKE TO TRY.

“Fair enough. Have fun, kid. ‘n if you wanna invite anyone over… that’s okay too.”

Connor felt his brow crease fractionally.

> LIKE WHO?

“I don’t know,” Hank scoffed, suddenly trying to be humorous, “just sayin’ the option’s there, Connor. S’your house too.”

That was a nice sentiment. Appreciated.

Not much later their shift finished. Hank swiftly left with Detective Collins and Officer Miller, and a few other uniformed officers Connor hadn’t made much acquaintance with. All eager to relax with some friends off the clock.

It was nice, seeing the lieutenant mingling with his colleagues. It didn’t happen enough. Hank was a man with many acquaintances, but few close friends. When they’d first met, it seemed as though Hank’s only willing interactions had been with bartenders. He’d already made a lot of progress since then, considering he was going out with his co-workers tonight. In November 2038, that would never have been an option.

It gave Connor hope.

To see that someone so downtrodden and hurt by the world and by life, could come back from the brink. Hank of course was nowhere near perfect. He still suffered. Still had his dark days and weeks, but since knowing him, those had gradually become fewer and farther between. And the man still drank. Often too much, but things weren’t like they had been. Hank wasn’t reaching for a bottle of whiskey and Cole’s picture every other night. More often than not, the lieutenant was merely opting for beer. Little by little he was beginning to know his limits. Cole’s picture hadn’t surfaced for a while, either. Not that Connor knew of, going by his frequent scans of where it was kept. Hank had come such a long way since last year. He’d made so much progress in the time that Connor had known him. The android wondered how that could be.

Gavin had come a long way too. The fact that the man had chosen to go to therapy for himself, and not for anyone else was proof of that. The detective had known he’d needed support, and seven months of hard work was truly paying off. Yes, he still made mistakes, but he owned up to them. He acknowledged when he was wrong, and apologized. Something the 2038 Gavin would never have done. It was remarkable to see how much one person could grow, if they allowed themselves to listen, and learn. Connor decided he would remind Gavin of that soon. To let the man know that he was proud of him. That he was doing so well. That Gavin was incredible, and warm, and funny. And kind, yet insensitive and crude, but in the most endearing ways. Witty and smart. Gentle, yet strong. And so very patient. 

Any of the cruel things Gavin had said in the past truly felt like a distant memory. The man was just so different now. All of the quirks and features that were solely ‘Gavin’ had remained, but the bitterness had leaked away. He was still Gavin, just… happier. 

It had taken work. A _lot_ of it, and the detective still had a way to go, but he truly _was_ getting there. He had given himself this chance to change. Allowed himself to open up, slowly but surely, and he’d not rushed it. He hadn’t pushed himself to be ‘better’, because… Gavin always was this person deep down. He’d just worked hard enough to allow that part of him to surface, finally. And Connor wanted to thank God or RA9 or whatever was out there for it all. Because without Gavin’s growth, they wouldn’t have what they have today. Connor wouldn’t be able to message the man with stupid jokes or interesting facts he’d discovered, just because he wanted to. And Gavin wouldn’t be able to monologue entire evenings via text in the most entertaining manner. They wouldn’t be able to spend time with each other, inside or outside of work. They wouldn’t have any of it.

Because Gavin had done this for himself… because he’d _allowed_ himself to realise he deserved to be helped… they had everything. They had each other. 

None of this would have ever happened, had it not been for Gavin accepting that he had the potential to change. For him to believe there was enough salvageable good inside of him, that he could ask for help. Becoming a better version of himself, made it possible for him to connect with Connor. And if such good could come from Gavin helping himself, Connor wondered just how much good would come from continuing his own mental health journey.

The future was frightening. But with all the potential for good things to happen, it felt a little less daunting. Especially if Gavin would be there. And Hank. And Tina. (And Sumo).

> **_Detective Reed?_ **

The android texted. He sat back in his desk chair, chest feeling both tingly and warm somehow. He wondered if androids were ever meant to feel like this.

Glancing over, he watched as the other man picked up his phone and made a funny face at the device.

**_Detective Android?_ **

Connor pressed his lips together, trying not to smile.

> **_Thank you for  
> _** **_addressing me by my  
> _ ** **_formal designation._ **

There was an audible snort from across the bullpen.

 **_That’s not your name  
_** **_fuck off_ **

> **_No, it’s not._ **

**_Dumbass_ **

**_Come over here_ **

> **_Why don’t you come here  
> _** **_instead?_ **

Gavin looked up, lip curling.

**_Make me_ **

Connor felt a flicker of static in his chest. In his arms. All over, really.

> **_Would could I do to make  
> _** **_you?_ **

For some reason, the other man was slowly turning red.

 **_You wouldn’t have to do  
_** **_much tbh_ **

> **_Interesting._ **

**_What’s that supposed to  
_** **_mean_ **

> **_Nothing._ **

**_You dick_**

**_You_ ** **_have to come over  
here _ ** **_now that’s the  
rules_ **

What?

> **_Which rules are these?_ **

**_The rules of life now get  
_** ** _your ass_ ** **_here_ **

Odd.

> **_I can’t find any official  
> _** **_sources_ ** **_about these  
>  rules._ **
> 
> **_Is there something_** **_I’m  
>  missing?_ **

Gavin was stifling laughter. Head in his hand, elbow on desk.

> **_Gavin? I don’t understand._**
> 
> **_Why are you_ ** **_laughing?_ **

That only served to make the man struggle not to laugh even more.

Connor glanced around the emptying precinct, as if that might give him an answer to Gavin’s puzzling reaction.

There were few officers left now, most eager to leave and swiftly trying to finish final pieces of paperwork. No one had noticed their silent conversation. Or so he thought, until his eyes landed on Tina. She was stood near Officer Person’s empty desk, a bunch of files in hand, fond eyes on an unaware Gavin. Then on Connor. Her gaze softened, and Connor found himself smiling in return. 

A text drew his attention back.

**_Nothing_ **

**_No reason at all_ **

**_We gonna hang out  
_** **_tonight then or what_ **

Gavin glanced up from his phone, and their eyes met. He looked happy.

Connor thought that he might look happy too.

> **_I would like that._ **

*****

Connor, Gavin, and Tina went out as a trio.

As they walked towards their destination, Connor took Gavin’s hand in his own. The man didn’t pull away, and Tina made no comment about it. Fingers intertwined and close.

They went to the cafe. The very same one Connor and Gavin had visited a few times before. There were no other people inside, so they sat on the sofas in the corner, and Connor held Gavin’s hand.

It was mostly Tina and Gavin doing the talking, in truth. But he didn’t mind. In fact, sitting in on their conversations felt almost like a remarkable privilege, because he learned more about both of them, and at times, even joined in with a few topics or queries of his own. (At one point, he even made a joke that was well received!). He felt welcome. Not like a burden. There was no pressure to make Connor speak up or join in. They let him do whatever he wanted to, and Gavin still held his hand. And when his and Tina’s food arrived, their knees touched instead.

By the time they were ready to leave, Connor realised that the cafe had filled up a fair amount. Not hugely, but more than he might have been used to. Nine other people, to be exact. The law enforcement android in him had noticed, but he himself, the deviant? He hadn’t noticed at all. Because he’d been so focused on their own conversations. So relaxed and safe in Gavin and Tina’s presence. In the past, such an oversight might have caused panic: to not be fully aware or in control of his immediate environment. But for some reason tonight, it wasn’t giving him the usual rush of anxiety. There was some newly building apprehension, naturally, but… If he, essentially the most advanced android in the world, was that engrossed in conversation that he missed other people arriving into the same room: perhaps these other people had absolutely no interest in him either. Perhaps they’d never even noticed his presence to begin with.

Nevertheless, he stuck closer to Gavin’s side as they left. Because he had that, now. He wasn’t alone. Not any more.

*****

“This is gonna sound kinda… I don’t know. It feels kinda weird for me to…” Gavin trailed off, sighing a self conscious breath. Mumbling. “M’not used to sayin’ this stuff…”

Tina had gone home, and Connor and Gavin were walking back to the precinct to collect their cars. Hand in hand through the darkening streets of Detroit. The android glanced across, a silent urge for the man to continue.

“Just,” he looked away, perhaps finding it easier to express himself without the eye contact, “I thought you, uh… thought you did good tonight, Con. Bein’ in the cafe ’n stuff. ‘round those people.”

A flutter of warmth spread through the android, and he had to look down. Trying to hide the accompanying smile for some reason.

“Huh,” Gavin huffed an amused breath, “You think so too, I guess.”

Connor shrugged. Pride was an uncommon emotion, but he could feel it now. From Gavin. From himself.

“Every time someone came in I kept expecting you to freeze. But you never did.”

The android held up his free hand, walking slower so the other could read.

> I ONLY REALISED AS WE
> 
> WERE LEAVING HOW MANY
> 
> PEOPLE WERE THERE. 
> 
> BEING WITH YOU HELPED.

“Pshh, nah. S’all you, tin can.”

The android smiled, softer. Eyes catching briefly.

 _Thank you_ , he mouthed.

Gavin squeezed his hand. Connor squeezed back. 

He was so thankful he could have moments like this with Gavin. Things so simple, and kind. 

Kindness felt very important to Connor. If he had learned anything in these last few months, it was that people thrived off of it. Showing kindness and care could get even the most bitter people to soften. And the most fragile to warm up.

It was perhaps one of the most powerful things Connor had encountered in his short life so far. The reach of kindness seemed unlimited. Almost anyone could change, if shown enough of it.

And Connor had changed with it, too. Hank’s kindness had changed him. Had made the android see that he was deviant, all those months ago. Markus was the one to flip the switch of course, but Hank had been the driving force behind it all. His kindness and compassion had shown Connor there was more to life than being a machine following orders. Hank was the one to make Connor realise he _was_ alive. 

And now?

Gavin was someone that made Connor _feel_ alive. His kindness was a brand entirely different than Hank’s. Their relationship had started out with one-sided resentment, born of insecurity and self doubt: eventually morphing into acceptance; quiet caring, though distant at first; then more. And now, much more. 

Perhaps Connor had shown them both kindness too… Because Hank had changed, and Gavin certainly had too. Connor had always tried to be considerate to them, even in their worst moments.

Maybe Connor was kind too.

And maybe kindness truly was the most important thing. Towards others, and towards himself.

It certainly felt that way. It was something he would continue to abide by, unless he was proven otherwise. But somehow, he didn’t think he would be.

**DPD CENTRAL STATION  
** 1301 3rd Avenue

ᴰᴬᵀᴱ  
 **AUG 03RD,** 2039

ᵀᴵᴹᴱ  
PM **09:21** :07

Connor scanned the parking lot as they arrived. Gavin’s car was by the entrance.

“Where’d Hank park?” 

> FURTHER BACK.

“Cool.” The detective said, then continued walking.

Past his car.

> YOUR CAR IS HERE.

“Good eye.”

Connor stopped walking, confused.

> GAVIN, YOUR
> 
> CAR IS HERE?

“Can’t a guy walk another guy to his car?”

Oh.

He supposed so.

> YOU CAN WALK ME
> 
> TO THE CAR IF YOU
> 
> WOULD LIKE TO.

Gavin snorted. “Thanks for the permission.”

> YOU’RE WELCOME.

The man shook his head, smiling more to himself than Connor. Playfully yanked the android back into a walk.

Half a minute later they reached their destination, coming to a stop at the drivers side of Hank’s Crown Vic. Holding Gavin’s hand tighter, Connor turned to face the detective, wanting to see all of him for their farewell. His scruff and scars, the barely visible bruises… Gentle eyes and a soft smile that the man so rarely shared. He was sharing them now.

> THANK YOU FOR
> 
> TONIGHT. I HAD A
> 
> LOT OF FUN. I HOPE
> 
> YOU DID TOO.

“Yeah,” Gavin said, mouth curling higher, “was pretty good.”

> I HOPE WE CAN
> 
> DO IT AGAIN
> 
> SOME TIME.

“Me too. Think Tina had fun as well.”

> I’M GLAD. I HOPE
> 
> SHE AND I CAN
> 
> BE FRIENDS.

Gavin smiled a little wider. Something warm, and genuine. 

“I think you already are.”

> DO YOU THINK SO?

“Yup.”

Connor wondered if his own expression was as warm as Gavin’s. It certainly felt that way.

> I’LL TRY NOT
> 
> TO STEAL HER
> 
> FROM YOU.

Gavin laughed a short note, head tilting back from the force of it.

“You better not, dipshit.”

Connor grinned wider.

They had gravitated towards each other during their chat. Gavin was a lot closer than Connor remembered, and he couldn’t help but look at the man’s mouth. Back up. Down. Up.

“So.” Gavin said, voice lower. Quieter. He seemed to be doing the same thing too. Eyes flitting up and down. Side to side.

Connor felt very close to Gavin in that moment. Pleasantly so. But he wanted something else…

Something that was theirs.

And somehow, he knew precisely what that was.

Tilting his head, Connor leaned close. He carefully touched his lips to Gavin’s stubbled cheek and kissed. Just once. Then found himself… lingering. Without really meaning to. Relishing this new closeness between them. The soft breath on his skin, and the faint brush of stubble. 

A moment later, Gavin’s mouth grazed the android’s cheek in the same way. Pressing a little firmer. Gentle lips against synthetic skin. 

Connor could feel his heart beating faster. Blue blood tingled through Thirium lines. He closed his eyes, kissing the same place a second time. Just a faint movement of lips. A quiet sound.

The tip of Gavin’s nose trailed across the android’s cheek, kissing again along the way before slowing… mouths brushing together. 

Waiting.

Not pushing.

Their lips were barely touching. Breaths mingling.

Gently, Connor closed the distance.

Kissed him, soft.

Once.

Twice.

Again.

And again…

Physically the sensation didn’t feel too special. Their lips were simply touching, off and on. A few more times. Little pecks, and some longer, because Connor didn’t really know what else to do. But what he did know, was that this was the closest he’d ever felt to Gavin. He’d never been so whole, and full, and warm. And happy. Connor was happy. Increasingly more so when Gavin’s lips smiled against his own. To know that _he_ had produced that expression. _Connor_ had done that. Such a positive emotion relayed back in this way. It was almost overwhelming. Filling him with intense emotion, the likes of which he had never encountered before. Nothing so vivid and meaningful. 

He never wanted it to end.

When it finally did, Gavin pulled away slowly.

It took a few extra moments for Connor to open his eyes, finding the man’s on his, patient and amused. 

“So.” Gavin said, matter-of-fact.

Amusement bubbled up in the android’s chest, and a titter of laughter escaped.

“S—S— S S So— o— o— So So o—” Connor stuttered, feeling a bite of fear at the single word that came out so broken up, and an extra flush of warmth in his face.

But Gavin didn’t seem to mind at all.

He never had.

Gavin had never thought any less of Connor because of his voice, if he spoke, or if he didn’t. There was never any malice or judgement for the way Connor had been handling everything, ever since the start.

And now? Gavin was smiling.

In fact, he’d smiled wider the second Connor spoke.

Gavin squeezed their hands together. Gentle and kind. 

“What’s next?”

_________  
THE **END**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a long ride. 
> 
> If you made it to the end, honestly, thank you. It genuinely means so much to me, and I'm so grateful to have shared this with you. I truly hope you enjoyed Connor's journey, and all the ups and downs that came with it.  
>   
> I want to give a _huge_ thanks to all who commented and reviewed this story as it was posted: your words and praises really did help me to keep going with it all. Now and then I have a little read through of them, and it gives me such a boost. I really do appreciate you all so much, you know who you are :)
> 
> Truthfully I've been stuck with writing this recently (as my delays probably told you). I think part of the reason this story eluded me for so long, is because it's hard to write a conclusion to something when certain aspects of your own life are intertwined with it, and your own life isn't anywhere as near to being fixed. How can you write a conclusion to something when you don't even know the answers yourself? But writing this has been helpful, because it's given me ideas and different perspectives to consider that I might not have come up with otherwise. Writing really is a form of therapy, and I urge you to use your own creativity to do the same should you need to, in whatever form that may come in. 
> 
> Honestly. Thank you again and again and _again_ for reading this. Many aspects of this fic are very important to me, and it means the world that you took the time to read it and experience Connor's story. 
> 
> Take care x
> 
> 'Epilogue' by Hans Zimmer, Jacob Shea, Jasha Klebe.  
> 'Golden' by Harry Styles.


End file.
